My cipher keep rolling like a rolling stone

Moved

2010-09-13T08:40:00.000+03:00

for those who still care...http://mizzeizzy.tumblr.com/

;-)

so on and on i'll go

2010-06-24T17:28:00.003+03:00

So i'm back.

Every time i try to delete this blog, or parts of it, the title of my blog mocks me, so i though fuck it. It is what it is. Like a note of money, whether dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, its value remains the same...It is what it is, right?

Excuse my previous bitter rant, but this blog holds some of the good, funny, depressin and down right ugly moments, and that my friend was part of the ugly.

Anyways i'm finally done with my sem and will be heading back home on the 5th. Although i claim i dont miss home because the freedom here trumps all, i secretly do, especially the people...my brother most of all. There just some things only he'll get or find funny...i miss our inside jokes.

Cyberjaya is pretty boring actually. Never thought i'd ever find fast unlimited internet boring! tired of downloading movies and music, tired of art and drawing and making things, tired of drunken nights and smokey bars, tired of spicy food, tired of it alllllll damn it.

I want to go back home.

Raw Inspiration

2010-04-30T18:28:00.002+03:00

The reason i decided to blog today, although its neither of substance or profound, or even that much! But more importantly the reason i shall continue to write despite my current mental dehydration :- raw inspiration

Ugandans are...

2010-04-30T17:05:00.003+03:00

Ever since i got here i've come to the conclusion that;- Ugandans are generally bitch ass niggas! Now i can actually say it out like that because yes i am Ugandan, (but not what you would term as...uhm whats the word...'typical')...but its a bit like 'the-nigga-thing' (how its okay to use the term if your black)...

Its not that i'm hating or trying to deny where i'm from but ever since i got here, i've found i tend to avoid my "fellow country mates" and keep them at a distance. The only good aspect about them is that they are generally party people (although i wouldn't invite any of them to my house party or plan to go out with them, but they are good people to fill up clubs and stuff because the add the hype element )...but it doesn't get any deeper than that. don't make the most reliable friends, not people you want to keep close, not only according to my experience but most of my friends who have gotten to know them agree with me on this.

Perhaps its just Ugandans in this part of the world?

Or are most Ugandans living/studying/working abroad the biggest gossipers and rumor instigators, manipulative, over materialistic, shallow, generic, selfish, drama magnets who have a thing for dating obnoxious Nigerians (who are equally if not even more notorious)? Or is it just the ones i've met so far?

If so, they totally misrepresent people back home...

:-S

(disclaimer : I'm not saying ALL but hell, the majority!)

Sad but true...

2010-04-30T16:54:00.003+03:00

Although i don't like to admit it, i think i don't like being alone. (see how i avoid saying it out straight - i cant stand being alone!?!)

The moment i stopped having best friends i started having boyfriends. I tend to jump in and out of relationships pretty fast, theres not that much in-between-single-time. Hate sitting alone at lunch break aswell, even if i don't have much to contribute the group conversation, i like to be there. Then I'm always wondering if i'm too clingy...I hate the feeling of losing good friends but love the feeling of being wanted.

I secretly act like i dont care if my blog is unpopular or if my posts go unread for months but i do.

Sad but true.

words cannot describe what its like...

2010-04-13T00:36:00.000+03:00

Its like; tugging a shoelace knot, tight and contort, and unraveling it; a sense of release, intense with each surge, leaving you with an urge for more as it draws away, like the lapping of ocean waves. Persistently nudging yet not quite reaching there, mounting knowledge that its coming, its coming, its coming. Pressing like a full bladder, gasps as it seeps through, uncontrollable like shaking thighs, flowing like a young stream down a rocky mountain side, playful, rushing, splashing, sparkling like beads of sweat dotted on concave foreheads, clinging like a child’s hand on the hem of their mother dress, clinging like they never want to let go. Let go, and emptiness rushes to fill your place like a vacuum, devote of your noise, sight, taste, touch and smell, i can not breath until you plunge back through, like a diver piercing the freavolent surface of the sea, deep dark and blue, breath held, swimming…pushing through…like a volcanic eruption spitting fire, lust, love, steam, leaving smudged hand-prints and kisses on foggy windowsills. fingers woven like fine fabric, like that which lines your pillow that gently cresses your cheek as you fall into sweet satisfied slumber, in an intimate hold, from which fantasies unfold…

Verbal constipation...brace yourself!

2009-12-20T18:17:00.003+03:00

My mental pathways have been clogged with thoughts, emotions, memories, half digested experiences, a little bit of THC and alcohol for a while now. It’s starting to ache, and as painfully awkward as it may be blogging again, it needs to be done.

So excuse me as I bang and scratch at the cubical walls of my blog, pant, rant, moan and groan, I really need to take a dump, off my mind, and let it swirl on the page half submerged so I can look at it. Smell my own shit, acknowledge it, detox and move on.

That’s what blogs are for after all. Your own personal cubical where you can scratch things into the wall and fill it with your shit, just more hygienic…but as therapeutic as taking a daily dump.

P.S. We all go through that crude phase when poop never ceases to amuse, don't act like you don't know what i'm on about. Enjoying good poop jokes n metaphors requires an rare sense of humor, one that is imaginatively comic yet twisted. I don’t blame if most of you are slightly cringing right now...Last time I checked I was the youngest blogger here, at least in this part of the blogsville, so let the child play damn it. ^_^

PART ONE: THE FART…a long and whiny one at that…

Although I’ve retaind my highschool poop jokes, I’m all grown up. Well, in the process. Just finished my first semester, it wasn’t as hard as I thought but the work load was crazy! I thought the whole point I decided to step back and do a foundation year was to buy time to chill out, especially since I didn’t get my gap year and my senior break that’s supposed to be at least half a year was cut short! Its ironic now that since I’m starting my degree for real now next year in mid February, my foundation class is signed up for an exchange program to go finish sem2 in the UK! WTF! Now I feel like blowing off my degree just to go party, ahem study ahem, in the UK with friends for a month! But when weighed against finishing school quickly and having a month of fun in the UK, I would chose finishing school quickly! Having a taste of living on my own on my own turns with my own atm card and shit has given me more motivation to start my own life and cut my parental strings completely!

They say the freedom was better than breathing. They were right. Its…exhilarating, even when your broke and stuck at home, the fact that I’m free to roam, just pick up and walk out, or bring in whoever I please is exhilarating! Still I’m not yet completely free…the bars have been lifted but I’m still shackled to my mother, and of recent after the skype incident, shes made her chain awfully short.

Most parents are meant to wash their hands of their children when they turn eighteen and move away for university. Not mine. I still go through that afterschool conversation. “How was school. Fine. Anything new? No. Have you finished your homework?. Yes. Good.” Just this time its not over the dining table (Ha more like dinner on the couch infront of the TV as she sits at the table) and she doesn’t becon me to her room to talk, but instead calls every single fucking day! Everyday, I still have nothing new to say…even if I did, I wouldn’t tell her. I wish I could, but I’ve tried and it upset her, so I just tell her what she wants to hear, keep her blood pressure regular. I’m still operating undercover, just that since I’m over seas, its less extreme, but I’m not free from the fascist dictatorship yet.

Infact her Excellency is planning a months vist here. A MONTH! Couldn’t have picked a worse time, especially with Christmas and new years, instead of having crazy fun for once on new years, I shall most likely be in bed at home, because my mother will be around and disapproves of seasonal jolly making, especially when it involved boys and intoxicants. I could scream! Well, in order not to lose my mind, I’ve devised a plan to take her touring around Malaysia. Perhaps the change of scenery will help fight off the sinking depression of having my mother and celibate “you-know-you-can-get-cancer-from-that” aunty here for Christmas. AND new years.

After that, infact the day they leave I’ll pack up and go on a road trip, go live at a surfer town, was thinking particularly of desaru, I hear they have amazing coast line. Since when did I surf? Well apparently I coast (on a skateboard) like a surfer, someone recommended I try it out, I may be a natural. ;-) plus I LOVE ocean. When I get back, plan to be off for even more coastline when my friends get back and go to the infamous party island of langkawi where alcohol is cheaper than water. Can u sense the big grin creeping up my face just thinking about that? It still sucks that my holiday will but cut a month short. (The time my mother is here does not count as holiday). Note to all potential or young parents who may just happen to be browsing through, leave your kids the fuck alone when they go to university, okay?!?

sheeesh!

My Laptop Crashed...

2009-10-23T13:57:00.000+03:00

need i say more....

:-(

Going Blond? (and no i'm not bitching again)

2009-10-15T17:49:00.004+03:00

I think I have a condition...ike that dude in the movie The curious case of Benjamin Button…although the difference is that although I may think like a 80 year old woman, I don’t look like one…lol. Seriously, I have had several remarks form various un-connected sources how I’m too old for my age.

I was watching old reruns of the Simpsons and they happened to show that episode where flanders realizes he is 60 something but hasn’t lived a day in his life, then they go to Vegas…(for you losers who don’t watch Simpsons or if you forgot or if you haven’t realized the importance of me landing on this particular episode! CLICK HERE BEFORE YOU READ ANYMORE)…to make it worse Everybody loves Raymond came on next and it was the episode when he goes through his mid life crisis…!!! (I felt like i was turning into a flounders of sorts :-S )

It felt like a sign.
You know, like when everything around you seems to be directly referring to a situation your currently going through?
I’m a sensitive person, I pick up on things happening around me, I deep think. I think I think too much, and that’s part of the problem! At my age I should technically be going wild: eighteen, apartment, university, not in the same country with relatives…yet I’m just going through the motions of life, cautiously…like a freaking 59 year old in the ending phase of their career.

Oxytim warned me about this. How I used to tell him all the crazy things I want to do when I leave home, and he would always say that I would be surprised that I wasn’t going to do even half the things he mentioned…I think I now see his point. Its hard to shake off old habits and behaviors you pick up when living at home. Like not getting too drunk because you know you’re going to face your mother at the end of the night, of getting nervous when it gets past midnight when you go out or looking around for that odd relative who may happen to see you and tell your mother. Now theres no mother in the picture anymore, but I still haven’t shaken off these habits…its strangling me!

Naturally I have a very bohemian spirit, I have impulses, but I act too much with head and not my heart…I partly blame the subjects I was so into during school: history, psychology and literature have made me too analytical! But mostly I blame this on upbringing. I used to rebel against what they wanted to mold me into back home, not because I’m big headed (okay maybe I am) but because I realized early that people always try to project their unfulfilled dreams onto you, then claim they want the best for you, which is a lie, the want you to be what they could not or want to be but aren’t quite close, hence really its not about what’s best for you, its about whats best for them, but since they cant do/have it they project it on a loved one or someone they think deserve it. Although most times its not really whats best for you.

My mother used to by me dresses when I was young and I would refuse to wear them, even on Sunday mornings, because frankly they were itchy, stiff and just didn’t feel right. And thus began my obsession with pants/trousers and shorts…and fear of dresses too! LoL! I’ve always been strong willed, but recently I think I was beginning to fold under my mothers will. You know how bakiga women are. They tough, and to make it worse, she’s a single parent too!

Cant believe I actually agreed to go to a Christian camp, for like a whole freaking week! And never used it as an opportunity to spend a week away from home doing some serious partying! That’s what I would have done like 2 years ago. Its amazing how much someone can change in just a year!

I might as well mention now that the being saved thing has officially gone out the window. The church thing only works when there is reinforcement from a pressure group, eg, like the fellowship I had began to attend. I really did try though…
I’ve gone from attending fellowship twice a week to living in an apartment with stoners…one is bound to drop and pick up habits.

Anyways, I think the universe has been trying to tell me something…I’m too old for my age. Its beyond being mature, its now being just plain senile! I don’t want to hit like 40 something and realize I missed out on my childhood!! If I’m already getting my mid life crisis now, what about when I turn 40?

Its like as if I’m married with my bu rings and long distance boyfriend, dress like I’ve lost my figure, don’t let go and do impulsive things like as if I may dislocate my hip or have med’s to take in the morning…Maybe I’m just deep thinking again, but I think I’ve struck a nerve. I don’t want to miss out on my “childhood”.

Forget next years resolution, as of now I’m going to go “blond”! Be stupidly impulsive, get high like I don’t have anything to do tomorrow (even if its just a Thursday night)…leave the house semi naked, it gets damn hot here anyways…speak my mind and say inappropriate stuff, I’m used to awkward moments anyways…wear heals and do the make-up thing (okay think I’ve taken it too far there, lol, Hell nooo!...maybe just a little….noooo….yesss???)…try a chemically based drug like cocaine, E, LSD, acid…have these blood pumping experience in shady areas, (like in sex on fire-Kings of Leon) one night stands I think they call them…lol. (I know my boyfriend may well possibly read this so just joking about the last comment there…but seriously, I wonder what they are like…). I’m going to get that tattoo I’ve been talking about, and piercings as well, and a sisha bong…

I have this urge to write a bucket list of sorts. If I was to die today it would be a damn shame because I basically haven’t done shit in life. Just think about shit mob!

I live in Babylon, was born and raised in Babylon, its about time I got to know the place, get one of those “I heart Babylon” tourist T-shirts. See, taste, experience Sodom, before all goes to hell…then maybe I can walk away from it all together without turning back one last time…see I think that dude had unfinished business there, that’s why he turned back and was turned to salt…(what part of the bible is that btw?, I should look it up before I start making up stuff! lol). I don’t want to get old and feel like I have unfinished business as well…

I think it’s time I got a life(outside my head). Moving out of the analytical thinking part of my brain and going to dwell more on the animalistic impulsive part.
As long as it feels good...

I’m tired of the restricted life. I’m pulling an Anikin Skywalker and moving to the darkside…hope I don’t emerge as a darth vader though… :-S

Having a Dead Prez moment over independence day...

2009-10-10T13:39:00.004+03:00

Uganda Oye?!?!

What a joke, the majority of Ugandans I know aren’t even patriotic but were only psyched up about independence day because of opportunity to booze!
Shows you how strongly we feel about our country, it kinda pissed me off, because no one wanted to talk politics that day.

No one wanted to discuss why we don’t have one main language in Uganda, I googled it and it said it was English, what bullshit! Do you know how hard it is to explain that to fellow Africans from more progressive African nations, that I can not communicate to someone from the north or east of my own country?!
That people still die from diseases that are curable?!
That part of the country is in famine yet there is more than enough food?!
That our leader encourages and makes more opportunities for foreigners to invest in our country but not for local Ugandans. ?!
That our bank systems are scams.?!

Last night would have been the perfect night to talk about this shit, but people would rather go clubbing. So what could I do? I cant discuss this shit by myself. So I pushed it to the back of my mind and went out “celebrate ” independence in KL (Kuala Lumpur)

The celebrations were being held at a Nigerian place called “Goody Foody”…I know…Sounds like a fucking supermarket or food court at some dingy mall! LoL, anyways, despite the wack name people turned up in numbers! What sucked most was that they all knew each other, and were all on about their own shit, and I just kinda sat there…

The people I came with were like “just come, meet fellow Ugandans”…I did I guess, first stared, said hi, shouted some inaudible words over booming music, then they asked to dance looking all druged up and like their hands were gonna go all over the wrong places…I wasn’t in the mood for that shit so I said no….went out after a while to get some fresh air and then just stayed there…I don’t count having sex with clothes on with a guy whose name you’re going to forget in the morning “meeting fellow Ugandans”.

It’s not that I’m not a wet blanket or stuck up but I really do find that shit weak, it doesn’t stir even a bit of excitement in me so why pretend that it does just for social approval. Fuck that. Call me stuck up if you want. Its just not me…plus niggas weren’t even fly or nothing…lol.

I meet some ladies too, but with them it never went past the hello…somehow I don’t really connect with fellow Ugandan women…okay not all but most.
I don’t know why either…for instance, I think I was the only chick in sandals that night. LoL. Okay I know, who wear slippers to a damn club but why the hell do women wear stupidly uncomfortable heels to club? That night I saw like several pairs of heels of under the table and a bunch of barefoot ladies….only if they knew how dirty the floors are! LoL. Its hypocritical if you ask me…you were heels just so that when you walk your ass moves in an appeasing way for men to later take them off when you get too high to walk let alone dance because your feet are killing you. I don’t know about y’all but I love my feet, and hate uncomfortable shoes with a passion…

I still wonder though why I don’t easily connect with my people?! The new person I meet yesterday and actually connected with was a 17 year old Korean girl. (at campus though, not at the club) That’s kinda fucked up huh? At least to them I’m black no doubt…you have no idea how annoying it is to be called a “white” when I’m clearly not.
Only if I knew what people define as “black”, maybe I could work on it…but the thing is there is no definite definition, and the most commonly agreed upon, or stereotypes of what a black woman should be is damn degradable.

If being a black young woman today means wearing fake European hair, uncomfortable shoes, having sex with clothes on with strangers in clubs, being loud rude and gossipy, listening to bad yet popular music, being materialistic and manipulative…if that’s what is considered a fine young black woman I don’t think i want to be one.

I believe that its the cultures we adopt that shall blind us, its the choices we make that shall guide us. I want to be who i am because of the choices i made, not because of the cultures I've adopted because no offence but some cultural customs are ridiculous....especially African ones.

This post would have been so much better if I had stayed home with a couple of brilliant minds, smoked some thought provoking herb, put on some beats, and talked politics…in my PJ’z…

People say...

2009-10-07T07:25:00.003+03:00

Since I’ve got here, I’ve heard alot about the groups of people here, from a lot of various people, Okay, these could all just be stereotypical but there is no smoke without fire, right?

...things like:

Nigerian men are rich, but really arrogant and violent. If there’s a bar fight somewhere, it must be a Nigerian, if someone felt like buying drinks for the whole club, must be Nigerian…

People from Botswana (what do you call a person from Botswana???) are fast, sex is easy come easy go with them, and so apparently are STD’s….

Don’t fuck with 9ja boys, or Chinese women, most have Chinese guys or guys-who-wanna-be-their-guys, and they have connections with the yakuza mafia, and they can really fuck you up just for looking at one in the wrong way!

Malays are lazy people, they run on African time too! LoL!

Ugandan girls give good head/blowjobs/fellatio …. ?!?!

damn, now i have a reputation to up hold...lol.

P.S. Finally set up my private blog Eizzy Uncensored, y'all are welcome to read it but on condition that:

> i dont know you in real life and if i do i wont proberbly ever see you in real life again

>No family or people connected to any family member in anyway, that especially excludes people who work in new vision or the ugandan press and the tourisim industry

>No boyfriends or before mentiond "him"s

>no people from my church back home (watoto former KPC)

>people i know on facebook.

I think that about covers it!

seriously though, its just easier to share stuff with people i dont really know...or know very well. Inbetween means uncertianty, possible friend or foe and hence not to be trusted. I'll keep this blog up and running though, though may change the focus of the content to more genral reader friendly things...

RaNdOm musings, Decisions and Things...

2009-10-01T23:07:00.002+03:00

Have you ever had the urge to just walk up to some random but seemingly cool person and just spill the beans, pour your heart out, tell them all, the hilarious random thoughts, strange realizations, deep secrets, childhood memories, family drama…just blurt it out, unwound and boundless from social constraints and norms of proper conversation making…regardless to the fact that they wont even know what your talking about or frankly care…?
Yeah, in that unpunctuated fashion too.

I guess that’s why we blog (those of us who fill our blogs with personal/fantasy content that is). Our blogs don’t give us the that WTF look, and aren’t inconvenienced by us in any way either! That’s partly the reason I think the service industry would be so much better if it was run entirely by robots. From the immigration and URA offices to Dominos pizzeria and supermarket stores. I mean no one really WaNtS to do those kind of jobs anyway, I mean if a dude didn’t have the option to do melancholy jobs like being a janitor, imagine what he would be doing? (well, that and if we lived in a society where we succeeded in life not on the connections and money we had but on merit, passion and hard work…) …in a parallel universe maybe.

If you can follow my train of thought here, and understand what I’m saying….drop me a comment. LoL

And no that’s not a cheap endorsement to get you to comment on my blog. (Its actually a clever jedi trick but if I explained it it wouldn’t work)

As you can probably already tell, my current state of mind is heavily concentrated.
I need a place to pour it out without any sieve diluting its…its…I dunno what it is, but till I figure it out, I wanna keep it the way it is!
I’ve decided.
This lil’platform I got here shall undergo a makeover…less personal blah more citizen journalistic material….
Thought it would be appropriate to end this era of my blog with the first topic I ever posted about: BlooD.

I’ve always thought theres a certain beauty about periods. Perhaps its because my first experience with the menstrual cycle was not a terrifying, omg-I think-I’m-dying-moment…I knew exactly what I was happening. Early sex education really is helpful you know, but it sure does take out the fun of the whole experience.
Well around the same time a year later, I still find periods beautiful. Still not pregnant either, but maybe that’s just because I just haven’t been having sex this time round.

^_^

On & On & On & On....

2009-09-27T16:09:00.005+03:00

So i've been thinking of deleting or more like "deactivating" this blog...then I read my sidebar badu quote and remembered that i gotta keep this chiper rolling...On & On & On & On...

Then i thought of making it private because theres been alot on my mind and just putting it out there may be a little risky, never know whos reading, then i realised no one hardly ever visits my page and for those of you who do, like 99% dont know me in the real world so i was like yeah fuck it....still, an aunty or two do know i have a blog out their somewhere....to go ahead and share red pepper intimate details of the inner workings and happenings of my life or not???

Anyways, felt like a RaNdOm post so hey, here goes:

Toying with the idea of getting a tattoo, actually always wanted one but i'm very sure now. If i could i would get Kat from Miami ink to do it because shes fuckin awesome, but hey, any decent place would do...

I love this Erykah Ankh, like i love all things BaDu, but more especially i love the way Emek designed this...so symbolic! Its represents alot of things but what strikes me most is the joining of man and woman, life and death, immortality...balance. Its a beautiful symbol from the earliest (recorded) african civilizations, and i love how Emek managed to incorporate an angelic afro in there too! ...instead of "erykah" though, i would have the word "Kirabo", another one of my names that mean gift, the joining of man and woman, life and death, all these are gifts, and as a woman, a life giver, i am a gift.

I think i'd live it on either my leg just above my ankle or behind my neck extending to my lower back...now i would have it there no doubt but my dreads arnt long enough yet and it sure would attract alot of attention, especially back home...

Then of course is the issue of my mum's disapproval...she just may chop off my entire leg...so the tattoo may have to wait till i'm done with school and dont need her financially...lol.
Yes children are evil like that. Didnt you read King Lear? its like a second nature to us after we grow up and get minds of our own, thats why animals abandon thier kids after they old enough to survive for their own....

If your into urban poster art culture you have to check Emek out, he's like my all time favourite graphic designer /mentor who does the most amazing art work from audio slave, the distillers to Dave Mathews band including badu of course...he's work is political, versatile and genius! (He's parents were both artists so it sorta explains he's amazing talents).

anyways...i had lot more to say but still contemplating whether to make this blog private or not...
Its not so much about having followers, though its cool to get peoples opinions and view on stuff, but more about having an e-journal with my life in easy to browse archives, PLUS you can put images, videos, music and links too, as opposed to the traditional paper and pen.....think i'll stick with my digital ink!

hmmmmmm

The sweetest "I-Miss-You" ...EVER! ^_^

2009-09-24T19:14:00.003+03:00

Izzy.k: brb
Izzy.k: need to...nevermind
oxy_tim: r u back?
Izzy.k: i'm back!
oxy_tim: cool
Izzy.k: miss me? :-)
oxy_tim: not exactly
Izzy.k: lol...

oxy_tim: my heart was collapsing,
oxy_tim: my brain was transfixed
oxy_tim: my muscles werent responding
oxy_tim: only my eyes,
oxy_tim: they kept on looking
oxy_tim: at the blank screen
oxy_tim: just awainting the buzz, the ping
oxy_tim: before life would rebegin
oxy_tim: then liz came back it
oxy_tim: *in
oxy_tim: mind body and soul,
oxy_tim: i knew wat i was lacking
oxy_tim: {if thats wat u call missing} then yes i did miss u

***

Awwww! the sweetest most sponteneous poetic reply i've ever got...just had to post it on my blog in its raw form with all its essensce so that i can go back and read it again, and then blush to myself...

^_^

This one is for Baba...

2009-09-17T13:36:00.003+03:00

LOL!!!

This had mullmeister written all over it...

...if you liked, check this blog out, its not all blasphemous, lol, its got a bunch of interesting stuff, great to go through when your in the mood for a little dark humour...

following my dreams...or just dreaming?

2009-09-05T18:01:00.005+03:00

Finally started Uni this week. A month late. My class is dope though, most of the assignments are fun, like taking photos of real life objects that look like letters and making the alphabet in these series of photos (Typography class) but alot of work, like 40 drawings on human anatomy, 20 in pencil, 20 in colour pencil (Illustration class). I’m not complaining though, I mean I don’t have any textbooks or anything!!

Although it has taken a toll on my hours of sleep and blogging time…

I’m doing professional design (visual communication) if your wondering. What for? So I could become an art director or something cool like that. maybe I’ll take King on his offer if it still stands…

Most of my family still doesn’t get why I’m doing this course. Everybody would be much more at peace if I was doing law or some other traditional course like that. Its an age old question though, whether creativity and art is really worth it, or if its just for those who cant do real things like ‘science’.
Psh.
Well this short video explains what I was going to say in writing, in form of an experiment. (Scientists know all about experimentation)…lol.
I saved you the long read, so the least you could do is check this out...

"rad to the power of sick!!" LoL...cool. all shot on a phone camera btw...

* * *

Theres no other feeling in the world as satisfying and worthwhile (at least to me) as creation.
Giving life to something...from text.....to dreams... (babies too-lol)

Trying to make a career out of that.

Following my dreams...or just dreaming???

only if i could just show you instead of tell you...

2009-08-29T17:15:00.002+03:00

I’ve been in transit for the past week, so haven’t had time to blog, or write or do much apart from eat sleep and shuffle about…even if I had the chance to steal a few minutes of my cyber time, I wouldn’t know where to start, what to mention and what to leave out…I tried, but after typing out a decent sized paragraph I would backspace it all…perhaps if I had another medium other than writing…

If I could film the past few days and add a video post onto this blog I would post one of those first person view scenes (but my torso, legs, arms and hands on this laptop would still be included in the shot, okay unless I was eating or something, but it would still remain in the shot somehow…after all, it is portable…lol) and this would remain constant, like a frame, but everything else would be moving and happening in fast forward and the backdrop ever-changing but less fluid than the foreground, more like stop motion…

It would go from my unusually empty bedroom in Uganda in the begging of the scene, semi packed luggage spewed on the floor and it’d be raining outside (it really was when I left). I would start typing something then get interrupted by background sound of the car to the airport hooting and my mum shouting about missing the fight…

Fast-forward through the journey in-between, a kaleidoscope of airport scenes from the lake fly infested Ugandan one to the dazzling lights and aerotrain (in the freaking airport) in Malaysia, not forgetting the 2 day stopover in U.A.E, the road trip and changing colour of sand between Duabi and Al Ain… till it slows down to this very moment:

Seated in the living room of my semi furnished messy apartment, stack of cardboard boxes of DIY furniture and kitchen appliances in the back, 2pm, Malaysia, raining outside. (it really did, and it felt sort of eerie because the last time it rained I was at home in Uganda, now I’m at my new home, in Malaysia…felt somehow significant…)

(Note to self: I really should get a camcorder…)

P.S. Cant believe I almost forgot to mention, I live in a place called Cyberjaya (its like a student town, with a suburbia-like feel…shall blog about it later), and the apartment estate I live in is called Cyber Heights…seriously…CYBER HEIGHTS …*Delighted LoL*…can’t get enough of saying that!

Cyber Heights…

O(^_^)o

Infidelity.

2009-08-08T23:08:00.008+03:00

Some sins sometimes feel too big to forgive. With chronic consequences like Adam and Eve…

How do you begin to explain or justify the inexcusable…

Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day; when you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces?

Make it look like I was framed when reality is that I set myself up, and fell for it too.

It wasn’t premeditated but preventable…I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way!

How do you explain (even to yourself) that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were sober as a priest?

Shit happens…when you let it.
Why, now that’s the unexplained part…

How do I always end up the heartless bitch yet I started off with good intentions?!

How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?...or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate?

Now I know why the conservatives encourage youth not to get into relationships (especially sexual ones) at a young age, (but my big headed smart ass had to find this out-well more like confirm since I was warned-the hard way ) and not to date a lot but rather settle down with one person quickly…experience in love is scaring.

Growing pains perhaps…or battle wounds?

Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too…

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT OF GREAT IMPORTNCE

2009-08-07T16:42:00.002+03:00

OMG OMG OMG!!!!

Guess what y'all?

I heard this from the Normzo :

Did you know that today August 7, 2009 at 12 hours 34 minutes and 56 seconds the time

The date will be: 12:34:56 07/08/09

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

This will never happen in our life again!!!

The immense significance of this fact is too much for my tiny female adolocent brain to comprehend...

Go figure!!!

WHY wont they GROW !?!

2009-08-07T16:27:00.000+03:00

I started growing my dreadlocks January this year (actually already had my first twist last week of December last year), and it’s now midyear and they're not as long as I hoped they would be by now...I thought hair was meant to grow faster in dreadlocks?!

I’ve read up on maintaining them and all, got the non-residue shampoo and wax, wash once regularly and attempt a palm roll when they get messy and when they get too messy I go for retwisting (doing it all by myself would take ridiculously long!)...maybe I’m missing a step or something? Or just need to be patient...it’s just disappointing where I’m at with my hair.

I want to get them a bit thicker, fuller and even (what’s up with the 'knotty bump/lump' after the retwist that marks sort of the last time I twisted them-is that normal?)

I hear 27th comrade has dreads...is that true? How long did it take for you to grow them to shoulder length, or to hold a puff? Did u have knotty bumps in them too after retwist? What twist technique do you use to touch up on them when they get messy? What saloon do you go to for retwisting???

My mum is always bugging me to get my dreads out and get a perm like "other normal girls". I'm not normal. And I’m determined to show her that dreads can be just as elegant as permed hair! ts proven to be quite hard (no one told me they needed this much maintenance!), but I’m not giving up on it!

It’s not that I’m being difficult or rebellious in any way. That’s not why I chose to lock my hair instead of perm it.

I chose dreads because frankly its one of the most real and healthy hairstyles one can have! I've tried most other black female hairstyles before (apart from weaves or extensions), and had some issues with them:

My biggest problem with perms is the chemicals, that stuff burns and makes hair thin and break at a certain length and smells nasty (or so according to my experience with it). Plus it just doesn’t feel right...African hair is meant to be thick, textured...not flat and limp...and since I’m light skinned, this particular hairstyle would not help my "muzungu reputation" which I try so hard to smother! LoL!

That automatically kicks out weaves for me, if I already feel fake (and bald) with straightened hair, imagine how being in a weave would be like! Hot and itchy (or so I’ve heard). The worst weaves tho are those afro ones…seriously, if your black, an afro comes easy, you don’t need to get a fake afro weave?! WTF?! And as for hot combing intense heat is not got to apply to hair…I’ve never been comfortable with that smell of burning hair! Plus it doesn’t last very long…if you want to straighten your hair, do it right…its like if you want to kill yourself, don’t cut your wrists and think a little blood will bring death, blow your brains out!!!

Which takes me to braids. Now these are pretty cool, and I had my hair in them a lot before…its just that I hate how every braider always wants to do the tiny sized ones (even if you ask them to do it big, they never do them that big) and oh my goodness does it hurt like hell! Not to mention that it takes ages too! Too much braiding also thins hair. There’s a time after braiding my scalp and hair line broke out in tiny painful bumps…it looked horrible and hurt too but it was just my scalps way of saying that my braids were too tight , my body was rejecting my hairstyle. So I listened and never did them again…

Had short hair too but it just gets boring…that’s when I decided on dreads…no chemicals, its not tight, and its my natural hair, which knots naturally anyways if I leave it!

I know that being black is not about kinky hair and head wraps or wearing African print and traditional outfits....but hell, it sure does help!!!

Seriously, that’s just what people who have never been called muzungu in their lives say to console confused souls like us(me?)...as much as we would like to claim we solely define who we are, society, environment/situation and media also affect the shaping of our identity (more than we would like to admit)!

Since self-image/ the way we present ourselves is meant to be a self reflection of who one is, not to mention its all the rage these days; why not use it to strengthen our identity and define who we are?

There’s a time in my life when I didn’t care what I looked like, (Tomboy days) but now I realize that that was oh so naïve! I’ve learnt not to underestimate image, psychology proves that non verbal communication which includes image as well as body language is several times stronger than verbal communication! I’ve actually witnessed and experienced this now and can testify to it. Its not so much how they look physically but the way someone presents themselves, that matters a lot, and also says a lot about them.

Since people can’t see who you are on the inside, you have to find a way to translate it on the outside, and to synchronize your interior with your exterior is the true art of living peacefully and at one with yourself A.K.A the art of keeping it real…A bit like feng shui (pronounced ‘fung shway’)- arranging and rearranging yourself till you’re in touch with your inner Qi (pronounced ‘chi’) and hence achieve a sense of balance, peace and positive energy ! *Chinese monk like Gong sounds in the distance* LoL!

Anyways, I just feel like the whole straight wanabe-white hair thing is fake, a side effect of colonization, like why is straightened hair more sophisticated and classy than natural kinky hair? Why is it considered more difficult? Because keeping African hair straight also has its problems…maybe the reason African hair is difficult is because we keep treating it like white hair?! It really annoys me! (like the whole light skinned African woman phenomenon).

Our aesthetics have really been molested by the west! I’m not saying that those of you African women with wanabe-white hair are fake (no offense intended), just victims of conditioning…or perhaps it’s just me being a ‘teenager’ trying to define boundaries and being extreme as I’ve very often been told by ‘adults’. (this means you can’t pull this comment btw, I’ve just blocked and countered it. BOOYAH!)

Have you ever stopped and wondered why you wear certain things in a certain way? Or why you like certain things? Sometimes the answers you come up with are…controversial…uncomfortable to admit true…or just bring up more questions (like in my case)?!

Either way it’s always enlightening.

Check this out, got it from Malcolm (without the X) LoL.

Open-Mindedness

2009-08-03T11:09:00.000+03:00

And now a chaser of logic for my previous double shots of religion/spirituality....

Salvation (part 2)

2009-08-01T19:10:00.000+03:00

One of my life mottos has been that I will try anything, at least once. This has consequently made my bucket list pretty damn long! But it has also provided me with opportunities to experience so many things that have undoubtedly scared as well as enlightened me.

I’m only 18. I’m not claiming to have ‘been there, done that, got the slovenlier T-shirt’, but the few years I’ve been alive have definitely been interesting…

Sticking to the motto, I thought I would give getting saved a try. I know most peoples reaction to ‘getting saved’ is a cringe they often (unsuccessfully) try to conceal. I was like that too, because we’ve all heard the stories of crazy jesus freaks and saved fanatics who went over the edge of sanity, we’ve heard of the pedophilic pastors molesting young boys, we’ve heard of the corruption and misuse of the church money, we’ve heard of (seen and know) the hypocrites who live sinful lives but still attend church every Sunday as well as those who are condemning and ‘holier than thou’ …its enough to make one lose faith in the church, Christianity, God even!
But I’ve tried drugs and other things often shunned upon by society, so getting saved wouldn’t be much different, considering what I’ve tried in the past!

Plus if religion is the opium of the masses, and reality is grim and stained, I would quite frankly prefer to be high and deluded off religion than sober and somber !!

There is a reason religion is likened to a drug. And I’m not just meaning Christianity. There’s just something so uplifting, peaceful, inspiring and mind blowing about it. I believe being high is a beautiful thing. So far, there are two ways I know how to get into this blissful slice of hevean. The first is drugs. The second is a spiritual relationship with God (who ever he is to you, to me the Christian God).

The only reason it would be more advisable to choose the latter not the first is: Drugs may take you to that level, but it doesn’t last, and the more you use, the father away you get from it…you start to having ‘bad trips’, and the biological/physiological/psychological/social side effects start to kick in, then it becomes hell! It’s all fake and illusion…But with God, it’s real, and can last forever. Although it does have its side effects too, just look up II timothy ch1 vs 8, II Corinthians ch1 vs 6, Romans Ch8 Vs 18 ( where did I get all this? The brilliant concordance at the back of the amplified bible, its like a mini biblical exycolpedia which refers you to relevant parts in the bible. I recommend it!)

I’m yet to reach a constant high in Christ…will let you know and compare if my hypothesis is right. (^_^) LoL

The whole experience of getting saved was pretty cool. Although it was at first a half conscience decision. LoL, actually what happened was that they told us to close our eyes and bow our heads…then raise your hand if your not saved. Being the smartass I was I didn’t, knowing that they were gonna call em up to get saved…then they asked those who had lost faith and basicly thought church was full of bull…I did…then they told us to stand up and come to the front. I thought about just seating my ass back down but since by now everyone was looking, I thought I would just go. I’ve never gone up to the front of the church (I have a permanent seat at the back row) so I thought it couldn’t get so bad. So I went.

Closed my eyes the whole time, because it would have been scarier to have them open. My heart was pounding and as I was listening to what was going on, a rise of mummers began to build. Everyone was I guess saying their own prayer to god (for us?) …no music or instruments, just voices…some dude was saying incoherent things near the front (tongues?)…the someone came to me, held my hands and prayed over me. He told me to focus only on his words…it all reached a passionate climax then slowly faded, the voices, the prayer…It felt pretty awesome. The only way I can describe it is as ‘an energy’. Like at a concert, just as the performer comes on stage…that build up mummer of voices…excitement…everyone’s attention and focus on one thing…a collective energy.

It was the first time I had ever felt something at church (apart from drooping eye lids, sleep induced from utter boredom and irritation at sitting for long hours in a crowded place – the reason I don’t go to church on big holidays like Christmas or Easter).
For the first time I felt something . The presence of God? My first dose (more like taste) of a spiritual high? Salvation?

I think I’m on to something…do u??

Salvation (Part one)

2009-07-31T16:47:00.000+03:00

It all started the day my notorious younger brother was caught sneaking back into the house, bloodshot eyes and sheepish grin, in the middle of the fuckin day!

The sheriff gave him an option at the show down, either they were to deal with this the easy way or hard way…luckily he wasn’t too doped up to decide to go down the hard way, and turned himself in. Hes sentence: regular attendance to church fellowships, and I was appointed the probation officer who had to make sure he actually attended these fellowships.

At times I didn’t know who the felony was, me or him? Because we both ended up having to attend church fellowships. No excuses…but I guess it was better than him being locked up, so I’m not complaining. But I was pretty pissed off having to sacrifice my Tuesday and Thursday evenings just to keep an eye on him. After all I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be serving the punishment!

You know how they say that good things can come out of bad things/situations sometimes. Well, I guess it applies to this particular situation, because it ended up being me who found salvation!!

The more I went for these fellowships, the more I started to gain out of them. Somethings they said really did strike me, and got me thinking about this whole religion thing. Hell, I felt like I was on to something , I even ended up inviting them! (yeah, maybe God can help clarify how to sort out my little love triangle mess) anyways, the more I attended, and listened and participated, the more I started asking myself whether I was missing out on something…

Currently I did feel like I was missing something. The prospect of going out and alcohol getting high and partying had started to pale…maybe my mum’s strict house rules and policy towards night life is starting to get to me…maybe its because every time I used to sneak out, and despite how long I would stay out, it just wasn’t ever really that much fun! (I mean if you take away the intoxication and hype…is whats left really fun?)…maybe its because the high never lasted, never is as sweet as it was, and left you with an empty douche bag feeling along with a throbbing head and nauseous feeling the next morning? Maybe I’ve gotten over the demand characteristics peer pressure and the media evoke in teens? Somehow that shit just doesn’t do it for me. Yesterday a friend was inviting me for a drink up at her crib (parents were out) and it was so possible for me to go, but I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home.

That’s not saying I now prefer to spend my weekend nights at home, in fact sometimes I would much rather be out having good old senseless, possibly-harmful, underage sinful fun! Its just easier to chose that. That’s just the way it is in the 21 century. And I’ve just been feeling like I have a choice between plain old nothing and nothing (which seems like something), and I’m tired of that…

I’m seeking something more…a new high perhaps? (LSD-lol?!)…GoD?? Maybe I need a new puppy!?

Theres one particular sermon someone was giving, about the power of belief. He asked us what would have happened if Jesus had jumped (that time the devil led him to the cliff and challenged him to jump, after all he was God’s son and there would have been angles to catch him). I had never thought of the significance of his not jumping. If he had…he would have fallen, and died. Son of God would have committed suicide and died a poor foolish man. No doubt. Its just like how whenever we call god out asking him to prove himself:

“GoD! Throw a thunderbolt or something, I dare you! Give me a sign you exist….*Nothing*….yeah, that’s what I thought!!”

(You know those moments!) nothing ever does happen. Why? Because God doesn’t need to prove himself to us mere mortals! He used to, back in the day, but even then, when people could see, hear, feel God, they still never got it, we would still doubt him, and still preferred to turn to man made idols. We still don’t get it even today!

How can something prove itself if you doubt it even exists? Doubt is powerful, its mentally crippling! If you don’t believe you can do something, chances are that you wont! Even if you can, and are capable of something, if you don’t believe you can, you wont! Its exactly the same way with God. If you doubt him, doubt his existence, doubt his power, he definitely wont be able to be present in your life, if you don’t let him. How do you expect to welcome someone into your house if you keep the door shut and locked? Then you sulk and claim that you have no friends, and no one ever comes to visit! LoL!

It all comes down to belief. Faith is the most stressed and emphasized thing in Christianity because faith is belief without doubt. Even the smallest bit of doubt can put great limitations on yourself…and God. And the devil knows this all too well....

He’s been using this since the beginning of time! The snake in the garden of Eden planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind…she began to question God. God had told Adam that he would provide all they ever needed, everything in the garden was theirs, they just had to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Apparently Eve wasn’t yet created when he told this to Adam. So she began to question if he even ever said it at all…she began to question whether they did really have it all, what God was keeping from them…suddenly the forbidden fruit which she had never even taken much notice of started to look tempting. See the power of doubt? It can change the way you look at things, turn your whole world upside down! And as Eve fell for the temptation and let the doubt get the best of her, so have many other people in the bible, even Jesus the son of God had to face the same temptation and doubt, we do so too, quite a lot these days!

The devil still uses the same old tricks, and we to often still fall for them!

This particular sermon really got me thinking (as you can obliviously see- scroll up). If all it takes is blind faith, all I have to do is believe it without a shimmer of doubt, and all of the things of the kingdom of God, eternal peace and enlightenment shall be at my finger tips…I thought why not!?

Its not like I’ve got anything of much worth going for me here on earth. I thought, if he is willing to take me as I am, the habitual sinner, indecisive, selfish, gullible little girl that I am, forgive me, love me unconditionally, bless me and let me grow, bloom, and flower…why shouldn’t I let him. Let go and Let God. Why not?...sound pretty fuckin’ awesome to me!!!

So...

2009-07-26T13:24:00.000+03:00

Its been a while.

So instead of doing one of those looong catching up posts I’ll just break it down, for you, but mainly for me, because I cant be bothered to type it all out. Infact, most of what I want to say isn’t even in coherent paragraph essay form, so I’ll just compile various thoughts, flashbacks and facebook statuses. :-P

I’ve never liked nickeback, it borderlines corny country too much and most of their songs all sound the same, but heard a particular song I actually liked, it went something like “I like you best with your pants round your feet…dirt on your knees”…? Anyone know what it’s called?

I think we have the oldest multichoice decoder ever, you remember the first bulky black ones? No wonder why it keeps hanging if you change the channels too fast!

Exam Results come out 20th August…*biting fingernails*

We have a mouse in the house!! (I say mouse, not rat cause its small n very fast, but could be a baby rat, but haven’t yet gotten close enough to it to confirm) it chewed the PS2 cable, luckily it still works but if you make the slightest movement (difficult not to when you’re playing PS2!), it blacks out!...so annoying!

I got saved. (clap for me!!) lol. Seriously, it was quite an experience, one that deserves a blog post of its own…watch this space.

Decided to pick up music again, got myself a good old Yamaha acoustic, (which I’m yet to pimp out), and thought I would expand my limited C/G/F/D chord knowledge, so signed up to some lessons at Kampala music school (Place hasn’t changed at all from close to 14/15 years ago when I used to be forced to go for piano lessons as a kid, like all ‘good-little-suburbian-girls’ it was so nostalgic!) was praying to get a cool teacher, instead got an eccentric dude who apparently is the head of a church choir yet cant sing to save his life! LoL at least he’s not boring!

I need a GOOD CD burner that can convert music 2 mp3, is user friendly, with flexible playlists, reliable and fast!...is that too much 2 ask 4?!

There was a random puppy hanging around our gate few days ago. So we let it in, it was so thin, and wouldn’t eat…we washed it, called the vet who gave it some shots, prayed over it, and let it fall asleep on our porch. Next morning, checked up on it immediately I got out of bed, it was dead. I only new it for a day, but omg, can never get used to the sight of dead dogs. Especially puppies. Another dead dog addition to the back yard. Though it got me thinking…partly inspired this.

Dedicated to J***** - “…Who gave you permission to rearrange me? Certainly not me! Who told you it was alright to love me? Certainly not me! I was not looking for a love affair…” Certainly -Erykah badu. Like seriously dude?! WTF?!

Oh btw, not telling the people close to me (whom do not read this blog) that I’ve picked up guitar…not even my boyfy, decided to keep it a closet habit until I get good…probably for the next month…trying to avoid those awkward "Play-for-me" moments

Now I truely believe that corruption in this country has become institutionalized!!! its a shame theres no other way to get things done other than slipping some money under the counter!

Recently I’ve had the urge to go camping! Turns out my youth fellowship I now religiously attend is organizing one, only problem is that I don’t really know people there, which I don’t mind, but I doubt any of the other girls are willing to really rough it and spend the night in a tent with me…but figured that since this opportunity just randomly came up, I shall also randomly find a girl to spend the night with (in a tent I mean!)

Whatever happened to Johnny Knoxville? And the whole jackass crew for that matter? After that dude died, I mean?... Saw some clip of Stevo totally trashed on some talk show…funny but not cool..who shows up for an interview talk show wasted? ! seriously! And did Bam Magera finally get married? Gosh I miss those shows!

Remember how I was praising Ngozi Okonjo Iwela for taking Nigeria (which was the first African country) out of debt? Well, I recently heard their current financial minister announce they were back in the red zone. Damn. One step forward, two steps back!

My uncle gets out of rehab this week. He was supposed to be released on Thursday but they don’t release people on the weekends because they end up binging and and returning the following Monday for another 6 months! Eish!

Situation is a bitch. Unfair how kids younger than my young brother are allowed to go out yet I, the “technically adult”, has a curfew of midnight, and that’s on good nights, most times I’m expected to keep my ass at home! Why?!

Now would be a good time to be abducted by aliens. If you’re out there, I’m ready. Seriously.

My GCSE (O’Level) and AS level certificates got fucked up. And Cambridge doesn’t send copies of the original. I had never realized how much importance we put to damn pieces of paper. This has seriously made university applications that much more difficult! …anyone know of a person or place with good graphic skills who can help reconstruct my certificates, so at least I have ”photocopies” of the originals…(have them scanned but they need some work)…HELP?!

Finished Jny23’s painting today...next? ;-)

Saw my neighbor pull off some hardcore twisted upside down yoga positions today…damn, felt like I was the one going through the workout just watching him! (topless-heehee!)

Casual sex…hmmm. I feel like I’m not getting the whole story behind this ‘phenomena’. There must be strings attached that no one ever mentions…

I guess it sort of ended up being a long-ish post!

ah well...

The Real Shit!!!

2009-07-10T00:04:00.000+03:00

Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

This is anti-autotune, death of the ringtone
This ain’t for Itunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably with a fat ass who can sing a song
Wrong, this ain’t politically correct
This might offend my political connects
My rap’s don’t have melodies
This shit make jackers wanna go n commit felonies
Ah, get your chain tooken
I may do it myself, I’m so Brooklyn
I know we facin a recession
But the music yall makin gonna make it the great depression
Ah, or your lack of aggression
Pull your skirt back down, grow a set men
Ah, ah.. nigga this just violent
This is death of autotune, ah moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin….begin

Holdup, this ain’t a number 1 record
This is practically assault with a deadly weapon
I made this just for Flex n Mrs. C,
I want niggas to feel threatened
Stop your blood clot crying
The kid the dog everybody dying
No lyin, your niggas’ jeans too tight
Your colors too bright, your voice too light
I might wear black four years straight,
I might bring back Versace shades,
This ain’t for Z100
Ye told me to kill yall to keep it 100
This is for Hot 9-7
The shit for clue for Khaled, for we the best n’
Nigga this shit violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence…

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

Holdup, this shit need a verse from Jeezy…ay!
I might send this to the mixtape Weezy
Get somebody from BMF to talk on this
Give this to a Blood, let a Crip walk on it
Get me foul to style on this
I just don’t need nobody to smile on this
You niggas singin too much,
Get back to rap you T-Pain’n too much
Ah, I’m a multi-millionaire
So how is it I’m still the hardest nigga here?
I don’t be in the project hallway
Talkin’ bout how I be in the project all day
That sounds stupid to me,
If you a gangsta, this is how you prove it to me
Yeah, just get violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

OMG!

All hail Jay-Z!!

Couldn't have said it any better!

The live band, raw un-tuned la da da da, the punch lines, flow, wake-up-call lyrics, chiller-top-nigga-swagga,the explostions, the REALness...I loved it!

Now for all those who dont know, this is real hiphop! not hipPOP or hipHYPE like y'all used to listening too! Damn.

*Standing Ovation*

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

2009-07-08T21:47:00.000+03:00

I had an extremely enlightening conversation today, surprisingly, it was with my mother.

You know how I was bitching about how messed up the system is and African politics is in my last post?
Well, Willpress had rightly mentioned in the comments that: “Unfortunately the most important term in African politics is "the grassroots".”
That’s true, and the reason I thought someone like me, despite how passionate I am about the matter, would never have a chance to ‘fix things’ in politics in my own country.
However, after talking to my mum, I suddenly realized that the situation may not be as hopeless as I first thought it to be…although it could just be my mother talking (you know how mothers are, with their comforting lies).
She stated that perhaps the biggest reason African politicians are as selfish and apathetic to problems of poverty and corruption is because they know it all too well.

Most African politicians, especially here, are from humble backgrounds and have experienced poverty, on a personal level, so that once they are in power, the do as much to disassociate themselves with it. They reach a point where seeing their people suffer in familiar poverty stricken situations, it simply no longer touches them! It sounds absurd at first (seriously, these are the people who should know very well what issues the common man is faced with) but it makes perfect sense if you think about it.

Its like how we (well, the TV generation) are apathetic about things like violence, because we see it all the time on TV, from a young age, such as in cartoons like Tom and Jerry (which is an extremely violent cartoon, amongst others children find delight in), pre-teen slap stick comedy (I never found the humour in this by the way) to adult action movies, so by the time you see a dead person on the road in the midst of an accident or mob justice scene, its (sometimes) shocking at first but you forget about it after you edge past the small crowd and commotion!
By the time you reach home you’ve most likely forgotten about it! No big deal, after all you’ve seen worse and more dramatic on TV!

I often laugh at my mum when she gasps in shock when watching an action flick, or when she crys during a sad true life drama! LoL, I mean, its not that I don’t feel the moment, its just that I’ve seen too many to make me jump or shed a tear. I’ve become used to it. Apathetic, even. ( I now have to watch horrors and thrillers at night inorder to feel the least bit spooked!)
It’s sorta the same thing with our current politicians.

Perhaps then there is hope; for the new generation of educated suburban youth (like myself), who are just acquaintances of poverty. Who have always had what they wanted (in moderation of'course) so they are not greedy once in a position of wealth, who are still shocked and horrified at stories of famine, most importantly who have new green ideas on changing and redirecting their nations!?

Today’s headlines read:
“FAMINE KILLS 35, Three million on the brink of starvation as crisis deepens” (Daily Monitor July 8 2009).
And to think, I skipped dinner today because I was full…

As expected, these areas were in the north and east, I say this because where I’m from (the west) people may not be that wealthy, but they always have food to eat. I also can’t ignore the fact that the big shot politicians and people in government (President included) are also from the west. You just can’t help but get the feeling that they don’t care…which is a damn shame and beats the point of having a government! I mean really, if a government cannot deal with basic need such as hunger, then really what are they doing?

Some claim the problems lie with the locals of that area, or that the harvest seasons have not been good due to climate changes, but that is not the real cause of this.

My mum was telling me how when she was at university, brimful of ideas and concepts (much like me these days) she did her final thesis on appropriate land use, focusing on how the locals could use the land, and various soils to grow different commercial produce to sell and make a living. Great idea, no?
Well, at the end of her project, an irritated muzeyi enlightened her that despite her concern and ideas, it wasn’t gonna change much. He assured her; “Don’t you think we’ve tried that? we have, and produced a lot of produce but it all perished! Look at our roads! Which pick up will bother to travel this far to collect our produce to take to sell?”
And rightly so pointed out that the REAL problem was not with land use but with the lack of infrastructure and available markets, which really is something they can’t do much about!

The issue of climate change too can be blamed on our governments!
The rate of deforestation and use of unsustainable methods of living is not given enough importance, yet it’s so vital!
Even more saddening is that Africa still hasn’t really caught on to this! I’ve heard people blame the big European countries and USA for causing global warming, and although they have greatly contributed to it, so have we!

When are we going to stop blaming the white man (I admit, there is indeed a certain thrill about doing so) and take responsibility! I mean we can continue to blame them, but it’s not like they will be tried in the international courts of justice (for one they run the courts-lol), and at the end of the day, they are still way better off than us!
In the recent past, Africans have taken up the role of their white masters and yet still continue to rape Africa! WTF is up with that?
Before the independence era, many of our ‘white masters’ thought we wouldn’t be able to run things without them, sadly, it seems we keep proving them right!... But that’s another topic for another day…

So back to the issue at hand, there are numerous sustainable environmentally friendly methods the government can use to battle famine and poverty, for instance instead of cutting down firewood, like in most Asian countries like India, they use biogas digesters, which turns human excrement, cow dung, or kitchen garbage into fuel that can be used for cooking or generating electricity.
I mean if the government could afford to buy brand new expensive cars for CHOGUM, they surely can afford giving each village household a cow and these biogas digesters?! Its cheap, sustainable, and environmentally friendly, it not only tackles the issue of producing energy, but also is an excellent way to deal with waste (Which is another problem most African countries face). This would help reduce the rate of deforestation, which would stabilize the climate too.

Things have changed. We've been fucked and have fucked up too, and we need to fix it; originally most indigenous peoples (all over the world) rarely would stay in one place for long, because it would deplete the resources of the area, so they would move around, give the area time to replenish itself, and so a balance was kept. Now that civilization has forced us to settle, you find that people over use their land and do not give it time to replenish itself, and by altering this system, we cause problems such as famine. Now we need to fix it.

Its not rocket science. Hell if I can see this, I wonder why they can’t. Or perhaps they do, but just don’t care?? …Famine in Uganda? How? When the solution is so clear…?

You know I would rather live under an effective dictatorship for a few years than a so called democratic government that doesn’t do much. I know this is random but despite Hitler and Stalin’s harsh policies and crazy ideologies, they did what needed to be done, and neither Germany nor Russia can deny that they wouldn’t be where they were if it wasn’t for them.

Is it just me or is Uganda messed up?
Perhaps we need a dictator, not as absolute or crazy like Hitler or Stalin, but an enlightened dictator …like Paul Kagame…

Are we (yes you and me) really that helpless or have we just gotten too used to the way things are?

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

(Yeah, new word 4 your ass!)
I know I've been blogging some long-ass-heavy-shit recently, bare with me as it get it outta my system! i shall be back to my triva shallow self soon...lol!
*Bless*

The "P" word / From Poetry to Politics...

2009-07-04T23:37:00.000+03:00

Ushered at Justice Ogoola’s launch of his poetry anthology this past Friday (had nothing better to do, naturally) and couldn’t help noticing that the higher the status of the person(guest) the ruder and uncivilized they were! I found it embarrassing how a Judge or member of parliament can complain about standing in a queue to register before being escorted to their seats, exclaiming that they “weren’t used to such order”, WTF?! What do they do in parliament or court here? Scrabble for seats? LoL! And these are ment to be the "well traveled, intellectual, learned and cultured" group of Ugandans!

I have a lot of faith in politics, I believe and often quote the saying that everything (well most things) is political, and I’ve noticed that in Africa ,to bring about great change, one has to get involved in politics at one point or another, whether they like it or not. Also I believe there is a “great politician” in most of the greatest people in the world…but politicians like ours shoot down my whole concept of Politics! (I don’t blame President Obama for choosing west Africa, Ghana for his first visit to Africa over East Africa, Kenya!)

Although there is no academic consensus on the exact definition of "Politics", to me Politics is (or should be) the best method of collecting, organizing, using and governing a country’s resources (inclusive of manpower, natural resources etc) for the betterment of the people of that nation. Unfortunately, people have taken politics to be more of the the skill of gaining and maintaining power, which I personally feel beats the whole point of it. Power comes with leadership, which is merely a means of bettering the nation. Ideally, politics should be Righteous not Sleezy!
Yet again, so should being a religious leaders, yet these days when you think priest you think homosexual pedophilic molester! …damn, the world really is coming to an end!

A while ago I had wanted to do law, and get into the work of governance of my nation. Then I grew a little older and wiser? Tainted? Jaded? Not quite sure, but I thought against it.
Too often I have noticed that although people get into law and government for the right reasons, they quickly compromise their morals due to the crafty corruption riddled nature of African politics today. They go from being a man/woman for the people to becoming fat, egotistic animal-farm like pigs! Even if I was to join a big organization, like the UN or World Bank, the ridiculous level of procedures and in-between-stuff debase their efforts to a little more than nothing. They are simply not that practical, and you often find that their efforts are intercepted midway by this or that which prevent people from really benefiting from them.

During my GCSE’s /O Levels I joined and participated in the model united nations, which is held evry year at the UN quarters in Nairobi. (I was the Environmental delegate for Colombia) Basically its run entirely by teenagers and runs exactly like the actual real UN.
We wrote proposals, debated them out in the different chambers, a press corp. that produced a daily newspaper (also student run), dressed up, learnt all the proper UN debate lingo and procedures, (I even got my badge clipped for chewing gum! LoL) we even had pretend emergency situations in which we would be required to quickly think up of solutions!
It was fun, an unforgettable experience, but I realized that all the UN do is talk, draw up proposals, argue over the smallest most times insignificant things, are biased more by nation interests than the betterment of the world as a whole, and at the end of it all, they don’t really take effective action!

To make it worse, the comfy job which often offers the opportunity to work abroad and a fat salary eventually get to people, and they no longer care whether what they are doing really is helping people on the ground, back home. I don’t want to be caught up in that, that’s why I often say wherever life takes me, I will always come back home, and constantly remind myself not to get to comfy, there’s a lot of work to be done!

Still amidst all the bullshit, certain individuals manage to get things done. For instance today on the African Voices show on the BBC, they interviewed an African woman I have come to admire; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. She’s the former Minister of Finance and Minister of Foreign Affairs of Nigeria, current managing director of the World Bank. Despite the big titles, she seems to be a humble yet passionate Africanist lady. I did some more research on her and I‘ve found her inspirational. I admire her for two reasons:

1) She left her comfy World Bank job in Washington to come back to better serve her country as finance minister (2003-2006)

2) During her time as finance minister, she introduced some economic reforms which enabled greater fiscal transparency to combat corruption (a great problem a lot of African nations are failing to solve) Her reforms basically introduced the publishing of government spending/budget/allocation of money basically, which this enabled the people to see how much money was allocated to their local governments, and hence give them grounds on which to question why there were still pot holes in the roads, why the public schools were so under equipped, why their salaries haven’t risen and the general standard of life is worse despite the money being pumped into the area. This also puts pressure on the local governments to perform, and makes corruption harder to cover up. Excellent policy isn’t it?
After all, true change often comes from the bottom up, from the inside out...

So perhaps there is hope for politics, especially in Africa, although we are far from reaching the political ideals I mentioned before hand…

I was just wondering, whether it would be worth getting into politics.

Being a young African woman, who feels more comfortable speaking English than her own mother tongue, suburban born and raised…sometimes I feel helpless in the struggle to build and improve Africa, even in my own country.

Sometimes I wish I was born in the freedom fighter days, (born conveniently as a man) when all I had to do to join the struggle was to pick up a Gun.

words 4 the day:

2009-07-02T19:57:00.000+03:00

Life is but reason.
When we lose reason its like we're dead...

quoted from an SMS from TimTim

Jacko finally dead!

2009-06-26T12:46:00.000+03:00

So i'm guessing y'all already heard about Micheal Jackson...

yeah, he finaly kicked the bucket. Honestly, i'm surprised he lived till 50! damn! but it was about time, dude was like the living dead...so outta touch with reality, he currently looked like a corpse, tryna steal young boy's childhood cause he didnt have one, showing up in court in PJ's...dude was losing it. he's better off dead! Just hope it wasnt like viagra or something that caused his cardiac aresst! LoL

Now, I'm not hating, just being real. I liked his music, definatly has some classics, like waaaay back then, but i cant honestly say i've listened to his music of recent! have you? Dont lie, when was the last time you listened to MJ (radio doesnt count)...yeah, thats what i thought. So i dont feel like calling him the 'greatest ever', when i didnt think that yesterday, just cause he died!

The truth is, MJ died looong ago. it all startd around age 5 when he decided to become white. I've never honestly really connected with his music. he is(was) only the king of pop afterall...no offence. Pop is flaky music, you just dance and click your fingers to it, not like its he deep or purposeful. (Hell, even the queer Elton john said more than MJ!!)
Anyways, he sure did create a stir, i'll give him props for that, and he revolutionised dance, music videos, and the style of pop music back then...but he aint the only one. Saying he's "THE greatest musicain ever" is a serious hype.

well, musically (which is the only way i respect MJ) this whole dead thing is really good publicity! Think about it, he will now move from "legend" to an "Icon", a level you can only reach when your dead. Also, there will be no more wacko stories about him molesting young boys, he will be immortalised as "The King Of Pop" and everyone will over look the pedophile, race traitor, mentally unstable faggot he truely was. it was the best possible career move.
BTW Did he ever do his last show ever yet? the one in UK i think?...could he even still dance or sing? (no offence again...just saying)

And its funny people should say stuff like, 'he's joined Tupac and Biggie in a better place' because they proberbly in hell! LoL! Seriously, Biggie did even say himself:

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodiesDressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies..."

and i doubt there's a separate heaven for musicians, which is based on how good you were, or how many records you sold. Infact i suspect most of those proclaimed semi-gods we call celebrities dont end up in the best of places. If you believe in such places...lol...reports state that he was already dead when paramedics found him, even though they took him to hospital and tried to revive him. i doubt its possible to pray for mercy while having a heart attack. Just saying.

I know its proper to show respect for the dead, so regardless, R.I.P Jacko

P.S. I wonder what his corpse would look like after a while? would it turn black again? LoL, didnt he have to have recent medication to maintain his white skin or something?

Rape me

2009-06-22T11:56:00.000+03:00

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me again

am i the only one .IIIII [3x]
am i the Only one...

Hate me
Do it and do it again
Waste me
Rape me, my friend

am i the only one .IIIII [3x]
am ithe Only one...

My favorite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
I appreciate your concern
You're gonna stink and burn

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me, again

am i the only one ?, IIIII [3x]
am i the Only one?...

Rape me! (Rape me!)[8x]
Rape me!

One of my favorite Nirvana songs.

Been listening to them alot recently, its nice to listen to your old music, the CD's at the back of your CD case that you used to be at the front a few years ago. Somehow it doesn’t sound the same as it did, despite how many times you've listened to certain songs, it somehow always has new meaning, especially when you take a good long while before you listening to it again. (This only applies to good music though, and not blond wigged pop stars, they shall always be as shallow and cheesy every single time you listen to them.

Anyways, i've particularly been drawn to Rape Me of recent. Then, it used to be about virginity..."Am I the only one? i-i-i-i-i I'm i the only one?!" LoL! Now its about how manipulative those you call your friends are. I've suddenly realised how most people i call friends, arnt really friends. okay they are, but in the most shallow-est degree. Like Kurt Cobain at the time he wrote this, i've been feeling raped. Not just by those i call friends, but by life too. Some shit that has happened has left me feeling fucked, used abused and discarded.

Okay perhaps not as badly as it happened to Kurt but i can relate.

"Hate me, Do it and do it again, Waste me, Rape me, my friend"

Like Kurt i'm not pitying myself neither am i asking 4 pity, in a way i'm used to it. life is a bitch, she has her moments sometimes, but most time she just fucks with you! so what the hell, 'do it and do it again'.

I know that part about my favorite inside source is about how the media fucked him up, but to me it also means how the people closest to you are like 'an inside source' they are in a position to seriously expose you, they relish your vulnerability and insecurities "...kiss your open sores" and use those to really poke at you. those that are evil at least. and most people are, just to varying extents.

Perhaps i'm just in a really anti social mood, but it seems like everyone is a rapist...

some friend recently sent me a text like "I really want you, blah blah blah" and he ment it sexually, but thought it was funny or charming or sexy, i dunno. i felt so violated. wtf, sexually wanting me doesn’t mean shit to me! It might as well have been coming from a boda boda guy! I’ve totally re-evaluated our friendship, and he’s just another rapist.

Then yesterday, I was mingling with some guys, made an innocent enough comment about sex, and then this dude makes some loud comment about how i'm just “flaunting my 18-ness” and tryna act and get involved in adult things, said it in a really harsh way and i felt embarrassed. He was right I suppose, but I felt like he forcefully took a part of me (my so called“18-ness”) and exposed it. He didn’t have to do that.

(And now apparently i discover that limewire has created a hole in my firewall, for the whole wide web to fuck me through if they please! eish...thanx babis 4 lettin me know)

Perhaps I was asking for it..."Rape me"...like when women wear provocative sexually suggestive things and some guys use that to justify the rape.

Perhaps I’m just vulnerable at the moment.

Perhaps its this damn menstrual cycle!

The coin with the silver lining...

2009-06-20T18:17:00.000+03:00

The car slowed as it reached the junction, waiting for the traffic light to turn Green. She looked over to her daughter, seated beside her in the front, and noticed she looked uncomfortable. As she began to inquire what was wrong, she followed her daughters gaze; that’s when she noticed the miniscule scrawny hands extended to her, slightly cupped together, the beggar’s gesture. She slightly held her breath and quickly fumbled over the buttons that pulled up the car windows.

“I hate these beggar children!” she exclaimed with a grimace. Her face screwed up out of edgy unease rather than anger. The sight of the malnourished tattered street children, some as young as two, struck deep in her. It hurt her. Made the car, the clothes, the lifestyle she and her family had seem obscene in comparison. Yet she knew there were much richer, right here, like the overweight lady in the Cream Mercedes in front of them, flashing her golden bangles and rings that draped her oversized hand that was crocked out of the car window. Or the man in the dark suite, laughing loudly on his blackberry in the car that towered behind them.
They seemed oblivious to the half naked begging child. It reminded them too much of the poverty they desperately escaped. The poverty they knew too well. So they conveniently avert their eyes. Roll up their windows to shut them out, at least for a while, until the traffic moved again.

But no matter how high the car, despite tightly sealed tinted windows and loud music over the car radio, they were unable to shut out the nagging yet faint voices of the beggars. “Mama…mama…aunty…lukumi…aunty…lukumi…”

Young and unexposed to the harshness of life, her daughter pleaded; “Mum, just give them 500 shillings…please, he’ll go away…just a single coin”. If she wouldn’t do it for the beggar child, she would do it for her daughter. To ease the discomfort from her face; it wasn’t making the situation any easier to deal with either. After all, what did she care what the street urchin did with the money. He could go buy drugs for all she cared; at least he would be able to escape his godforsaken existence just for a little while.

So she pulled her large Gucci bag to her laps and scratched for a coin in her purse, amongst large 20 and 50 thousand notes. She eventually pulled out a 200 shilling coin. That would do. As she began to roll down her window slowly, the street child became excited at her response. She had heard his pleas. He began to grab for the single simmering coin.The coin with a silver lining. His heightened reaction stuck panic in her, the feel of his boney, grimy fingers on her lotioned hand made her jump. She spastically tossed the coin.

It flew over the boys head and struck the ground in the middle of adjacent road. Increased heart beat made her deaf to her daughters screams, as he scrambled for it, on hands and bare feet, it struck. Like a single heart beat. Then speed off, departing with his life, flinging his bloody body to the side pavement. He lay, lifelessly limp, a dirty bundle covered in capitalist shit, clutching the shiny coin to his chest.

The man in the car behind began hooting impatiently at them.
The light had turned Green.

WRITERS NOTE: Decided to write something a little longer than my short poems...i guess i have more time on my hands these days. I didnt know where to blog this, but i figured 'in the middle' would be appropriate, after all, its about art...and stuff. lol. But since it looks odd there because its more text than that page is used too, i shall post it here too. Why? because i can. (and witnessed a similar occurance, but less graphic...hence it can apply to my "real life blog")

Bless

Done. What now??

2009-06-18T11:38:00.001+03:00

Graduated on Friday!
Officially done with high school!! YaY!
Although I’ve been in the same bloody school since primary, (I’m certain this has had irreversible negative effects on my socio-psychological wellbeing, but I’m yet to figure out what exactly) I am grateful for having had the chance to finish basic schooling, especially in an international school. I was literally counting down the days to graduation, now that I’m done, I don’t really know how to feel...I thought it was gonna be happening, mad crazy fun times, yet on Thursday night, I felt depressed.

Not that I really enjoyed school, but it was a constant in my life. Now without class or exams, I don’t really know what to do with myself. To make it worse don’t really know where I’m going. I know by this point I should but I still don’t, and knowing that is further adding to my panic! I guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind. The biggest issue being:

University.
Ideal in theory, but in real life its damn complicated! I know what I want to do, a course in media art and design that takes the more practical side. Animation, film, an aspect of entrepreneurship, hopefully shall lead me to advertising.
Okay what then: Where? If I could go anyplace I would want to go to Chicago or California (Just because i've always wanted to go there, lol), but failed to find the course I want in the universities there. Also that mean I have to sit SAT’s and possibly TOFFEL, and I’m so done with tests, especially maths! Plus its bloody expensive, especially for my mum. With my back ground, I would qualify for UK, but I find it a depressing cold grey country, no offence, never imagined myself there.
Where do I see myself? South Africa perhaps, but they don’t have the sort of course I want to do, and theres that whole race issue. Plus for international students you have to pay like four times the amount than local students (in the UK for instance), also making it bloody expensive, especially for my single mum.

Its just a degree. Don’t want to run her broke, she still has my bro to put through school. Okay, you may argue that since she put us through an international school, she must have the money. But I discovered its not exactly the case. I noticed sometime back that we never got invoices for school fees…turns out my dad had signed a contract with the school and paid all school fee’s for my brother and I, till the last class. He’s dead now, so didn’t get a chance to see me graduate. But I owe him my 13/14 years of schooling, even if he died like 6 years ago.

So what now? Scholarships?
Not as easy as it sounds, rarely given out to international student, in the uk, its note even for the whole tuition fee, just a small percentage, and usually you apply in your second year. Plus I don’t want to go there anyways!

To make this worse, my mum is determined on Malaysia.
Malaysia is okay I guess, its just its reputation of accepting people with the worst grades and having very racist Asians especially to blacks that I’m not comfortable with. Also, it has a harsh drug policy. I act like that doesn’t bother me when people bring it up but it doesn’t sit nicely with me. I like my freedom. Want to be able to smoke if I wanna smoke. Not that I smoke. Just saying. And if it has such a bad reputation, whats the point of even studying abroad, if its not to raise ones prestige and increase chances of employment. Might as well study here! Oh, I here Malaysia has too many Ugandans. Not that that bothers me, its just that I don’t want to be automatically put in a group, just because I’m Ugandan, I must be in the Ugandan group.

I dunno, perhaps I’m too picky.
I have the A’s and B’s, even the well rounded resume/cv/personal statement but I guess that’s not enough.
I feel like I was lied too, all that talk on how important grades were was bullshit.
Its so much more complicated than just knowing what I want to be and studying for the grades.

At first I had wanted a gap year, but now I need to get out of the house as soon as possible!
I cant wait for jan intakes, I gotta go this year! And I think I think theres still hope, before i settle for malaysia (grimaces)...

Germany.
I know I don’t speak German (yet), but the offers for international students are really fair! International students pay the same fees as German students - approximately £850 a year. In the UK, they pay an average of £9,540 a year!! Almost quadruple the amount! WTF!
Also its funny but now I think about it, I know quite a number of Germans, and its always no question with them where to go for university.(BTW, why is it that most biracial people in Uganda are half German? Whats up with that?!)

So anyways, I’ve been asking a lot of questions and doing some research, and think I’m gonna try Germany…preferably somewhere cosmopolitan and nigger friendly, like Munich…anyone with any relevant info on studying in Germany, would be nice to hear what you gotta say! Especially on life there, the stuff they don’t tell you on the websites!
Also wondering whether I should aim for a university or art academy…after all I want a specific course that most traditional universities don’t offer (Visual communication/multimedia art and design- the more experimental and research based the better)…are the awarded certificates the same in the end?

wünschen mir Glück!
LoL
*Bless*

SMH

2009-06-09T18:31:00.000+03:00

Longest week of my life...and its only tuesday!

I've crossed over to the "Dark Side" of IT...

2009-05-28T20:45:00.000+03:00

So I found 2 people who knew how to hack/crack, unfortunately they couldn’t get into the social networking site I wanted to infiltrate, however they did help me access some premium content for certain software and sites so it wasn’t a total bummer!
But I am determined to solve this little problem of mine.
So I extended my research, and discovered this easy to read, almost passionate site on how to become a hacker. Here's an extract from it:

"There is a community, a shared culture, of expert programmers and networking wizards that traces its history back through decades to the first time-sharing minicomputers and the earliest ARPAnet experiments. The members of this culture originated the term ‘hacker’. ( basicaly a person with technical adeptness and a delight in solving problems and overcoming limits)

Hackers built the Internet. Hackers made the Unix operating system what it is today. Hackers run Usenet. Hackers make the World Wide Web work. If you are part of this culture, if you have contributed to it and other people in it know who you are and call you a hacker, you're a hacker.

The hacker mind-set is not confined to this software-hacker culture. There are people who apply the hacker attitude to other things, like electronics or music — actually, you can find it at the highest levels of any science or art. Software hackers recognize these kindred spirits elsewhere and may call them ‘hackers’ too — and some claim that the hacker nature is really independent of the particular medium the hacker works in. But in the rest of this document we will focus on the skills and attitudes of software hackers, and the traditions of the shared culture that originated the term ‘hacker’.

There is another group of people who loudly call themselves hackers, but aren't. These are people (mainly adolescent males) who get a kick out of breaking into computers and phreaking the phone system. Real hackers call these people ‘crackers’ and want nothing to do with them. Real hackers mostly think crackers are lazy, irresponsible, and not very bright, and object that being able to break security doesn't make you a hacker any more than being able to hotwire cars makes you an automotive engineer.

Unfortunately, many journalists and writers have been fooled into using the word ‘hacker’ to describe crackers; this irritates real hackers no end.

The basic difference is this: hackers build things, crackers break them."

After reading this, I have added becoming a hacker to my many aspirations; that currently includ: becoming a political activist for the development of African states and peoples,
renown painter/poet,
setting up an open to the public studios slash gallery,
creating Uganda’s first ever adult animated series on the boondocks level,
making a pulp fiction film,
becoming a mommy,
starting an animated alternative band similar to the gorrilaz, lol, me and my bro got this one all figured out…afro-fusion-metal, a mix between sepultura’s album roots and system of a down and Nigeria’s rooftop emcees and Botswana’s Tey Grin…no? You’d have to here it to get it…anyways more about that later, back to the point...

It has dawned on me that becoming a hacker is not a simple aspiration, to begin with I have to learn a programming language (computer talk)…its like learning how to read and write again! And to make it even harder, programming is ever changing, due to technological changes, so I have to keep up with it! The site advised starting with Python, (my incognito hacker friend started with Rubi ) any programmers know any other programming langhuages that are a good and easy starting point??

Also have to get an open source unixes , (operating systems of the internet) because learning to hack on a Microsoft Windows machine (which is what I have) or under any other closed-source system is like “trying to learn to dance while wearing a body cast.” Lol.

So I'll most likely get Linux because you can apparently run both Linux and Microsoft windows on the same machine (my personal laptop).

I also need to learn how to write HTML’s, and I have designed some small pointless sluggish websites before at school, this blog not included, plus it’s a more realistic place to start learning programming.

Well enough with all the computer geek talk, but if any programmers out there (and I suspect there are quite a few of you out there in Blogsville) any helpful tips, links, info will be much appreciated. Plus also looking for a programming wizard mentor of sorts, this young grasshopper is eager to learn…as this appropriate Zen poem puts it:

"To follow the path:

look to the master,

follow the master,

walk with the master,

see through the master,

become the master."

But before that, I shall use amateur easy to use crack codes I found on this dope site to speed up downloads, access and use premium software, games, videos, ‘out of bounds stuff’ etc, only for personal use tho, no bootlegging! Lol, so its only half evil.

In the 'hacker spirit', I shall leave you with this:

_O_

__O
OOO

Its called The Glider, It's a pattern from a mathematical simulation called the Game of Life…

click here to find out why.
click here to see this stimulation in action.
click here to know why it is the hackers emblem

I’m not crazy about math’s myself, but I find this interesting, its abstract and has a sense of art about it, which I can appreciate! I've come to see the art not only in literature or paintings and sculptures, but also in logic...the building blocks of maths and physics, subjects i used to shun away from.
To those of you who concider it your domain, i admire your art, tip my hat for you!

**Bless**

HELP!!!

2009-05-19T18:33:00.000+03:00

Does anyone out there know (or knows someone who knows) how to hack into social networking accounts (without tricking the account owner into giving you thier account details eg sending them a fake link etc...) ???

Really important!

This knowledge wont be used for evil. Promise, just forgot my account log in details to both the social networking site as well as to the email address i had regestered with. and i need to delete these accounts...they hold information that caould be harmful if it was to land in the wrong hands!

seriously...

Halla back ASAP at eizzy.k600@yahoo.com

Living under a dictator

2009-05-17T20:09:00.000+03:00

Here are a few lessons I’ve learnt (the hard way) about living in very oppressive conditions:

1) Never talk back. Even if you don’t agree, keeping quite doesn’t mean you’ve give in, there are more tactful ways to get your opinions, views and feelings heard and recognized. After all actions speak louder than words!

2) The Underground movement is effective! Lay low, the more you try to raise your head the harder they push you down. If you keep the surface calm you will get them off your back, hence giving you a better chance of carrying out whatever you gotta do!

3) Don’t let them get to you. Despite how sharp the tongue or hard the slap, let it slip off you. Emotional involvement will compromise your efforts! Especially negative emotions, they shall take you over and under. Keep it strictly business, nothing personal. Also helps balance the karma…eg. You may put them down, but not kick them while they’re down too!

4) Don’t react, whatever torture technique they try out on you! Just smile…and swear on the inside. It helps, honestly. If you dying to shout back or sucka punch them in the nose, don’t, just do it in your head! …if it gets intense, and you find yourself in the enemy camp as a prisoner of war, mentally distance yourself…it shall pass. Never act in the heat of the moment.

5) You must always be one step ahead of the game! This means learning to lie on the spot, especially when under interrogation, studying their behavior and tendencies and systems as to see the loop holes. There are always loop holes.

6) You must remain fluid, like water, one of the strongest elements, because it tends to be underestimated. Water is often thought of as weak, yet it can penetrate walls. Its flexibility is the secret behind its indestructible nature, whether frozen or boiled…it simply assumes a different structure, ice or vapor, but always remains water.

7) Going head on against the system is futile. To successfully ‘fuck the system’ you must work from within the system. This means getting inside the head and heart of the whole operation, sucking up, kissing ass, using ‘parliamentary procedures’ till you have gained enough power to bring it down. A bit like Hitler’s rise to power (mwahahaha!) Beside the point, what we can however learn from this technique is that force is not always the best way to do something. If you can not get out of a tight position, get in deeper…

8) Pride comes before the fall. Once you’ve succeeded in carrying out any guerilla operation, never boast or brag, even to allies. Why? It gets to your head, and you make to noise and attract unwanted attention. Eventually, being over successful shall lead your to downfall. Give yourself a pat on the back, but although you have won the battle, you have not one the war.

9) A few techniques borrowed from the communists (namely Lenin and war communism), use all your resources: siblings, house-help, neighbors if you can, trusty boda boda guys, the few shillings you found in the couch!! Collectivized efforts make a bigger impact and bring about a greater change! However this is not a long term policy as it easily drains you and your resources.

10) "Check yourself before you wreck yourself", don’t get carried away! Revolution is like a wheel, once it stops moving it falls…what you have to know is when to park the revolution, because as Castro found out in the Congo, revolution cannot last forever…you have to know when to quit while your ahead. It’s hard not to get carried away though, people always do, but you gotta always rethink why you are in it in the first place. In my case, I am not trying to ‘overthrow the totalitarian regime’, or even try to achieve a ‘collateral government’, I’m just trying to survive living at home until I can get the hell outta here!

Stirring Revolution…

2009-05-12T21:11:00.000+03:00

Don’t you just hate people who walk into a room and instead of appreciating the flowers on the table they immediately comment on the dirt under the table? Who instead of greeting you they frown upon you and ask why you are still in your PJ’s? C’mon it’s a Saturday morning…

Self proclaimed ‘intellectuals’ who love quarrelling about everything you do, but can’t stand it when you argue back or try to justify yourself? Who are always talking about healthily lifestyles diet and exercise, lecturing you about how you should cut down on the salt, yet are overweight? Who can’t take a joke, and think their annoying play fighting is amusing? Who believe that because you’ve messed up once or twice you’re a criminal, who must not be trusted ever again, and sentence you to solitary confinement, moreover without solid evidence, a reasonable or valid reason and a fair trial? Who feel like they don’t need to explain themselves just because they are older than you? Who refuse to try to understand your individual differences, and simply take them as forms of rebellion against what is right and proper according to them. Who feel righteous yet cast darker shadows than you? Who are always asking you in an accusing tone if you’ve been smoking when you’ve clearly been clean for months now.

WHO CAN MANAGE TO GET THIS UNDER YOUR SKIN!!!

The true victims of swine flu...

2009-05-10T19:51:00.000+03:00

For those with poor eyesight, it says:
As the two friends wandered through the snow on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh.

Pooh thought to himslef: "if the Pig sneezes, he's fucken dead."

LOL

Bootleged this from this cool blog right here...

How did she know?!?

2009-05-06T19:02:00.001+03:00

I: hey
J: hi
J: h r u
I: okay, i think
J: lol
J: y do u think
I: long story...will tell u someday...maybe
J: tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

omg
tell me now!...in short form
please
I: lol...kinda personal....
the kinda personal i usually dont talk abt....
J: sex?
omg
u had sex?
I: OMG!!!
how did u know???
J: i just knew holy shit
I: am i that easy 2 read??
J: yes. lol
I: lol ... damn the impersonal nature of online chats that makes u want to tell all....

This is an extract of a IM chat I had eariler on today on yahoo messenger, (although she was on msn), and since we no longer go to school for classes, this is the easiest way i talk to my friends.

Funny though how we end up talking about things we would have not usually brought up if we were talking face to face, at school especially...more interstingly is how she knew without me saying, it could have been anything!!...or am i that easy to read?!

School is a place where...

2009-05-05T09:14:00.000+03:00

"School is a place where former A students teach mostly B students to work for C students"

An over exaggeration or more truth than educators are comfortable with ?

didn't think it would be this hard!

2009-04-29T23:57:00.000+03:00

Track playing: Jimi Hendrix – Purple haze "...all in my brain..." ;-)
Time: 11.07pm…still need to fix the time/date settings on this blog…

I know I said I wouldn’t blog again till after exams, but phuck that, I felt like. Bite me!

Revision is going fine(ish), made a revision plan and all, but it’s been so freakin’ hard to stick to it! You dunno how much effort it takes for me to sit down and read/practice essays/make notes…it’s been a while…and to make it worse it’s like I have no motivation at all...

I guess it’s due to the uncertainty of my future after school…I’m just really confused over where I’m gonna go next…or what exactly I’m gonna do…or how to get there! Ugh! The thought is constantly gnawing at me. Especially during class…like where does all this lead to?

What I do know is that I want to do something that will nurture my creative side, something my business sense can cut into (remind me to tell y’all how I hustled 22grand today at school…all between lessons!), where I can work at home sometimes, where I can work with a small intimate team of professionals…and I want to make my own!!

Not feeling an employed-by-the-Man deep-in-the-system desk job. Was recently thinking along the lines of advertising? Like an Art director of an advertising firm (preferably mine-lol)…well it’s a start to this dream job I haven’t quite figured out yet.

The courses I'm looking at are profsional design in visual communication or media studies or something along those lines…I want hands on course.

Possible places are Malaysia, Japan, South Africa, Canada or the US of A…but still have time to figure that ish out.
First gotta pass those damn exams!

"...Lately things just dont seem the same

Actin funny, but I dont know why

excuse me while I kiss the sky

Purple haze all around

Dont know if Im comin up or down..."

what it means to be a journalist...

2009-04-27T19:04:00.000+03:00

I was talking to a friend of mine at school today who wanted to take a undergrad degree in journalism, but she didn’t seem to be so sure...so later in the day i stumbled onto this...how appropriate. Downloaded it, and going to show it to her tomorrow, think it sums it up pretty well...

Andrew Mwenda, IPFA 2008 from CPJ on Vimeo

Okay it’s a bit extreme, but this is what I consider good journalism! To sum it up, Andrew Mwenda…
Maybe its because I’m young and that radical shit appeals to me…I dunno what do you think?
Any journalists here in blogsville got a word or two for my friend?
P.S. she’ll be joining blogspot real soon, watch this space

Gone for a little while...

2009-04-20T18:44:00.000+03:00

I'm heading back to school tomorrow, and moving into the exam gear as I a go through the last leg of my high school life, aka final exam period!

I'm not nervous at all, which is a bad thing because the pressure usually helps me keep in check, and as a result I feel like I have been chilling too much.
But its not too late, my first exam is on the 18th May...my last 11 June, the in between from now and then I'm making a effort to abandon my blog and leave Blogsville for a while. It gets distracting, and I am easily distracted!

so adieus amigos, see you at the other end!

I'll leave you with a poem, untitled...just came to me as I was revising the other day, my thoughts on the eve of exams:

My mind is laced
With a hunger for knowledge, I chase
Enlightenment, so through words I forage,
Searching… for what I do not know,
Yet yearn to know.
Searching… for the light
To fight off the encroaching darkness of ignorance.
Searching… for the light
That bleached the colour of my innocence ;
Enough to expose my nakedness
But not enough to dispel the surrounding darkness.
It faded, at the edge of the unknown
Left me, naked,
Vulnerable as an animal of prey.
So I attempt to cloth myself in these pages
But even suits of degrees studded with shimmering masters and PhD’s
are not enough to cover gaping holes of questions
That the light burnt into my mind;
Causing a quenchless thirst for knowledge,
A lifetime of mental dehydration,
Is the scholars fate,
Only through death will it satiate.

Honest to blog...

2009-04-17T18:09:00.000+03:00

YaY! My first blogger award, and its only been a couple of months since i joined blogsville.
I know its just a lil scrap of metal...but i'm honoured!
I would like to thank: UG Girl, my first follower and the first blog in the ugandan blog community i ever read! and the rest of y'all who take time off to show some love!

Now to the grimy bit: 10 Honest things about me...

1) Once in a while, I enjoy fucking with people’s minds…but usually I just let them be.

2) I’m slightly dyslexic, but that doesn’t stop me from writing! But somehow I have better spelling and grammar when I type than when I write…and no it’s not because of spell-check!

3) I wish I had bigger rounder bouncier boobies...not huge like Pam Anderson, but bigger…

4) My bedroom never stays neat and organized for more than a week…and even that is pushing it. I am comfortable in mess…

5) Not that many people I meet get me…so it just so happens that the majority of my closest friends have been white, or mixed race or “Oreo’s” like me…not intended, honestly!

6) My Rukiga is ‘broken’, my Luanda is wack and my ‘Swahili’ is seriously lacking!

7) I have horrible skin, have to seriously work at it to keep it clear smooth…

8) I don’t have a specific genre of music I like, I like “Good Music”, from Korn to Chaka Kahn, and all of the in between!

9) I’ve always wanted to rap, I had the words but not the rhythm, so I became a poet…

10) I don’t own a pair of high heels, instead I have cute collection of flats for all occasions, from clubbing to church weddings!

Now, 7 Bloggers i think who deserve this (Drum roll please)
The Mighty Tubman
Afrosistah
Normzo
The Savage Queen
Eclecticsoul
Malcom...no not X
TimTim

I checked the rules and they said minimum, so i decided to include y'all, cuz i have a big heart like that! :-)
Yz
Jny23
Payo

Then the instructions for the 'chosen ones' ;
1.You must brag about the award
2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.
Then pass it on with the instructions!

**BLESS**

WANTED Family members

2009-04-15T22:32:00.001+03:00

OMG...just saw an uncle-in-law (my aunty's husband) in the newspapers under WANTED!!
You know those public announcements with the mug shots and promised rewards?
It was shocking yet amusing...
Tsk Tsk...family drama!

I was suposed to be revising...

2009-04-13T22:49:00.000+03:00

Too Explicit??

2009-04-09T09:58:00.000+03:00

I've been doing some drawing recently and out of boredom decided to venture into Manga Hentai.
For those unfamiliar with the term its a type of Japanese styled drawing of cartoons known as manga or anime, which depicts sexual fantasies. sort of like cartoon porn. Despite its pornographic content its a form of art, which i admire! so i attempted drawing some hentai of my own and surprised myself! thought i would share it with y'all but i'm also wondering if its appropriate to blog...

Here's a snippet of a full page spread of some drawings i did...too explicit???
Would i have to put that adult content warning on my blog? LoL!

Consciousness

2009-04-07T09:34:00.000+03:00

A voice recording (dont worry its not video so it wont take too long to load) that brought me into a new state of consciousness today.

deep stuff.

Family drama

2009-04-05T11:20:00.000+03:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you can tell that something someone is doing is wrong and is gonna end up badly yet you choose to turn a blind eye to it?

Just because you know they wouldn’t take you seriously or claim that since they don’t interfere in your life, you have no right to tell them “how to live their lives”.
AND to make it worse they were family, and you felt you had to tell them despite not being that close, they are family and you gotta look out for family! Right?

I heard she woke up throwing up.
Just hope it’s not too late, because I would feel sooo guilty for not having talked to her earlier…

On the comlpexity of the sensuality of relationships...

2009-03-27T19:46:00.000+03:00

“The sensuality between parents and their children often is so intense that only the age old control by society prevents the rise of sexuality. When a single parent is of the opposite sex the situation is more strained. How to show love and demonstrate affection without stirring in the young and innocent mind the idea of sexuality? Many parents, alarmed at the dreadful possibility of raising incestuous thoughts in their children’s minds, withdraw, refusing all physical contact and leaving the children yearning and befuddled with ideas of unworthiness.”

Quoted from Maya Angelou in her autobiography ‘The Heart Of A Woman’ that I am currently reading in addition to several other books...lol, i'm multi-tasking!

I love the way Maya phrases this. Its food for thought, and the more I think about it, the more I agree. This is not only in parent-child relationships, but also between siblings, especially when they are very close and of the opposite sex…even between friends, at times of the same sex! Human relationships are indeed very strange and complex, yet so vital to our existence and well being!

It makes me wonder, does the closeness between two human beings, especially between the opposite sex, always develop into something sexual, despite who they are? I’m sure Sigmund Freud would agree, after all he did once claim our development is based on our sexuality. When I first read this, I thought it was ridiculous, but now I really do wonder! There is some truth to this…

I used to have this best friend when I was around 13/14, when puberty had just began to transcend into my life. We shared the same name, were the same height and size, yet we were so different we complemented each other. She was white and I was black; we were like the perfect blend of milk and black tea/coffee! We slept over at each other’s houses all the time and did other things best friends do; we became very intimate friends.

Maybe a little too intimate, because I thought I began to develop deeper ‘feelings’ for her, which left me very confused!…I realized this when I started to feel awkward whenever we were naked around each other (what?! We were both girls and best friends, so we got comfortable changing in front of each other. I thought nothing of it at the time) Then I went through a period I was suspicious that I could possibly be lesbian because I would find myself feeling sexually attracted to her, and I swore I had caught her looking, blushing, denying, smiling knowingly…I’ll spare the sexually charged memories and only say that we did have some ‘erotic’ moments together, but because of being so young, they were quite innocent and naive in nature. After all I didn’t quite know or understand what I was feeling, or why…
She left after a year, so I guess we’ll never know for sure what these feelings would have developed into…though I’m pretty sure…

Soon after I got a new best friend, this time he was male!
He was the opposite of what I thought at the time to be physically attractive, and had never looked at him as the boyfriend type (lol, I was a year or two older and being the smart ass that I am, I thought I had figured out all there was to know about the birds and the bees; what was supposed to be ‘Fly’ and what was supposed to be ‘gay’; a.k.a wrong!). Yet this dude ended up being my first boyfriend!! We grew really close, and told each other extremely personal things that no one else knew. But as Maya Angelou mentioned it was difficult to show affection without bringing rise to sexuality, which we mistook for ‘love’.

Unfortunately, he was Asian and I Black, so I ended up being made fun of at school. A lot! I was young and still very sensitive to peer pressure and what people thought about me, so we never lasted that long. (Why do people find it cool to date a white dude, but if you date an Asian you’re a freak?! I’ve never understood that!)

Anyways our long and deep friendship was ruined by this. He moved to another high school, so I still see him around once in a while, but we’ve never been the same, the awkwardness remained, even up to day. (I miss him sometimes. Never had a best friend after that; you could say he was my last and best-est! LoL)

I guess this would be a similar outcome if the relationship with a family member was not kept in check by society and fear of taboo.

Which actually reminds me of a play I read in Lit class two years ago called ‘A View From The Bridge’ by Arthur Miller, where a man (Eddie) has such an close relationship with his niece (Catherine), who lived with him and his wife and was more of a daughter to him. When another man came into Catherine’s life, he would become irrationally jealous and protective and his relationship with her became almost incestuous at a point when he forcefully kissed her. His character is often grossly misunderstood. He did not do this out of some kind of twisted lust, but immense love he did not know how to show to express, as well as confusion about his mixed emotions. (Beautifully humanistic and tragic play btw, I recommend it!)

To bring this back to a more personal experience, there have been instances I too admit to have felt this sexual tension between a close family member, my brother. We are only two years apart and both quite sexually mature, so it is inevitable to have those awkward moments, like if we both end up watching a movie that happens to have extensive steamy sex scenes and he happens to get a boner (I know he’s old enough to masturbate!)…or those awkward encounters in the corridor on the way to the toilet in the middle of the night when he’s just in boxers and I in a big Tee Shirt…

As Maya Angelou so eloquently expresses it, one has to be careful not to stir up this sexuality. Nonetheless, it is natural!

At the same time, if you avoid showing affection, they end up feeling “yearning and befuddled with ideas of unworthiness”, and will search for it elsewhere, perhaps in the arms of countless lovers…and by other means, such as through disruptive and annoying attention seeking behaviors…

It can’t just be me who has ever thought and felt this; Maya Angelou has too, and even mentioned it in one of her autobiographies.
Just wondering if you have too?

Review:::Kill Me Quick!

2009-03-19T12:26:00.000+03:00

Kill Me Quick written by Meja Mwangi

This was the second book I borrowed from the African literature section in the school library, and it turned out to be a very pleasant surprise read! I honestly didn’t suspect it to be so deep so captivating so real…
From the style of writing with to the depth of the plot, the author effectively portrays the struggle to survive, the drive to pursue a better lifestyle, something we can all relate too.
Set modern day East Africa, Kenya to be exact, the plot revolves around these two characters, Maina and Meja; Yes, he deliberately uses his real name for one of the characters, making us assume the story is based on real life, his life experiences…which is really brave, and deep…you just know his gonna write about something so real…and it is:

Its about the difficulties of class mobility, the disappointments of the false hopes of education, the doomed destiny of the poor, how young able bodied educated good hearted men are turned into merciless street thugs and murderers, why they keep ending up in prison despite being genuinely sorry for having committed their crimes, it give a shockingly vivid insight into the lives of ‘slumdogs’, the people we prefer to turn a blind eye too.

What struck me most however is the myth that if you go to school, it will automatically lead you into a well paying job! These two characters, despite being from poor families in the villages, are educated and went to school, they took it seriously too and were top students…yet somehow when they came to the city, unemployment forced them to the backstreets and slums where they lived off rubbish bins. They could both read and write and count, yet the types of jobs available to them were those of farm hands and manual laborers! It was quite a somber thought; that because of one’s class, especially here in Africa, a person is most likely destined to only a certain type of work…

What bothers me even more is that these people work as much, and even more than we, yet earn so much less…I used to think that those who are rich and wealthy worked for it and hence deserved it, yet so many people out there work so hard and earn less than they deserve. This imbalance of society is well portrayed in this book.

As to how and why society became this way, I am not quite sure, and the book only gave me more questions than answers to this question…when did it all start?

(If you happen to have some answers please share them, if you have more questions, there welcome too…it will help me get that much closer to understanding this)

This what I do know, (simplified version): once upon a time, in Europe during the medieval ages, people fought for land, blood was shed and the victorious expelled the people of the land and claimed it was theirs, put land titles on ancestral land that belonged to others.
These people were displaced and forced to inhabit barren uncultivated land, whereas the victors had all the fertile land to themselves.
They then used the displaced people to help cultivate wealth for themselves, only giving them a little if anything at all for their labor.
That’s how the poor began working for the rich…that’s why there will always be a hate between the two…that’s why there is talk of revolutions, and taking back what was theirs in the first place by the use of force…but as history has proved, more bloodshed only leads to a swap of power, the poor become the rich and the rich become the poor, but inequality and manipulation remains between the two and more seeds of revenge and hatred are planted…it’s a vicious cycle.
And both sides will use any means to gain/retain power…hence the struggle to survive.

But perhaps it’s a different story in African history, through colonialism perhaps…I unfortunately was only taught European history because I study under a European system, which I don’t mind, its very interesting, but I am more interested in the history of my people these days…so I’m re-educating myself, starting through literature.

Like the story of so many unseen, these two characters situation go from bad to worse. Its quite saddening that their families, as poor as they were “squandered” all their money on sending one of their many children to school so they could become educated go to the city and get a job. It unfortunately isn’t as easy as this, as the plot unfolds to us. One of the characters, Meja, is unable to go back home, although he longs too because of the disappointment and failure and hopelessness he would take back with him.
His family wrongly took his absence as a sign that he got spoilt from city life…quite far from the truth! The hardships and hopeless situation drives these characters to do things they would have never even considered that they were capable of doing, and we the readers are taken along their personal adventures that make us both laugh and cry! Its an amazing lil’book!

Depressing as it may be, its also very inspiring how these characters refuse to be put down by life, although the come close, they can not commit suicide, the will to live, the vitality of life is too strong! It also made me so appreciative and grateful of my ‘privileged life’, cuz shit be hard y’all…

(What I'm reading now: The case of the socilaist witchdoctor and other stories by Hama Tuma...)

My Long awaited 18th Birthday is finally here!

2009-03-16T13:43:00.000+03:00

I’m 18 today! Whoo hoo! Officially an adult! ...now what??

Still living under my mothers wing, got a good few years of school left, broker than ever, same height and weight, boobies still small and I haven’t had my big revelation yet.

I guess becoming an adult is a gradual thing. Not an over-night metamorphosis like those ‘when-I’m-18-I’ll…’ conversations lead you to believe.

But there is something different about this birthday compared to all the others I’ve had…my periods came like a whole week earlier, and I’m actually bleeding as I type…okay, it’s not as gory as I make it sound! I don’t even get bad cramps…it just feels weird!

I personally find my menstrual period an almost ceremonial event, it’s the shedding of the lining of the womb, a cleansing of sorts, since I am ‘sexually active’ it means I’m not pregnant so in a way it’s a shedding of the layers and burdens of womanhood. Since I’m not ready for these extra layers, aka motherhood, it comes as a relief, a confirmation of my carefree immaturity! And this kind of immaturity means sweet ignorant freedom! Free from the responsibilities of maturity. So I’m glad at the sight of this monthly blood.

It’s a part of the cycle of the creation of life, natures monthly maintenance of my womb, and it reminds me of my worth as a creator of life.

It’s a time to cry just cause you feel like, a time emotions run high and you can get away with being rude and bitchy and psychotically bi polar and just blame it on PMS! LoL!

So I find it strange that I happen to be in my periods during perhaps one of my most significant birthdays…could it be a symbolic initiation of sorts into womanhood? Adulthood?
Feels too coincidental to just be coincidence! It feels intended…but what does it mean??!
hmmmm....

On less bloodier things, here’s my birthday wishlist!

I probably won’t get anything on the list but I don’t really mind, they are mostly just material things…some probably manufactured in backdoor workshops by manipulated children and women forced into penniless labor by poverty, worse still the money spent on these material tings never reaches those that put most effort into making them, they instead end up in a fat mans pocket, and fuel the corrupted capitalist system, widening the gap between the rich and poor…after all to gain means someone is to lose, the balance of the rich and poor…but I would be lying if I said I did not want these things, and I know I’m not wrong to want them, who am I to disrupt the natural balance of things? Huh?

…but I am not in the mood to delve into deep things, so I’ll keep it shallow, put on my technicoloured tainted designer shades that distort the grey grim realities of life and birthday presents, just for a while, in order to enjoy this moment, and compile my birthday Wishlist:

- Lime green apple iPod (my bro smashed mine while skateboarding)
- Cute pair of beaded African sandals, the good quality ones that last!
- Books; ferienhite 101, the vagina monologues
- Movies; a Quentin Tarantino movie box set would be awesome
- Music CD’s; Santogold’s debut album, N.E.R.D’s seeing sounds, M.I.A
- A tattoo above my left ankle, I even have the sketch, will post it some time but its like a cross between the feminist female sign and Erykah Badu’s unk…
- Getting permanent dreads, completed with highlighted ends
- New sketchbook (the ones with textured thick card like paper) with art supplies, paint is expansive these days!
- New furniture for my room, especially a multi-purpose storage unit. Hell, I want one of those TV room makeovers with that gay dude on the style network, the dude who does style my nest…
- A new camera with professional lenses…always wanted to photograph the moon.
- Brand new camera music phone, preferably a Nokia
- A Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Kitenge…yes I want a cool African dress, one I won’t look like a granny in! lol! They look so comfy…always wanted one
- New pair of glasses and contacts…there’s nothing wrong with mine, just for the sake of accessorizing!
- I wanna get high! Just one blessed fat blunt…a wicked spot and my exclusive circle of friends
- A weeks holiday at some virgin beach island resort…ahh
- Reconnection of my internet! Make that super fast reliable internet connection for the rest of the year!
- A million shilling shopping vouchers for clothes! I could do with tweaking my look a little bit…
- One of those cool world cup yellow-green-red-black footballs! It would be motivating to improve my soccer skills if I had a cool world cup ball…lol
- I want my trampoline cover fixed. I miss jumping up n down for hours in the garden on that thing…
- Full paid scholarship to any university anywhere in the world!! Would make my university choice so much simpler!
- Paid music lessons and music instrument…maybe I should complete what I started in my childhood…not piano again, but something brassy and jazzy…
- Paid tap dancing lessons and shoes and outfit! Lol! Sounds crazy, but I have always wanted to tap dance, I even know some basic moves and basic theory behind it!
- Freedom to go out till whatever time I please; and return in any condition without many accusing questions the next morning!
- A car (I’m currently learning how to drive, and my mum said since she’s ordered for a new car, immediately it arrives the rav4 she’s got now will be mine, but all this is still ‘in the pipeline’…hmmm)
- A pair of rollerblades…I miss skating, and skateboarding needs more muscle and effort than I’m willing to put in…
- An allowance of 400,000/= shillings a month…I know its probably more than most house help earn, but I swear I once knew a kid who had a similar allowance…for doing nothing! Sweet! That gives me 100,000/= a week…I currently don’t have any allowance! I get money when I convince my mother I need it for something worthwhile.

I think I’ve covered most of it, at least for the mean time. LoL.

But on the real, I’m glad to be alive and healthy, and that much older and wiser! I’m so grateful for what I have and the people who care about me in my life. Today I celebrate my continuous physical, spiritual and mental growth as an educated African sistah, my birthday wish if that my purpose in life becomes more clear to me this year…as my cipher keeps rolling on and on and on!

P.S. getting my drink and two step on this weekend! Yeayeah! (I also perform a poem of mine at the international school talent show held at my school this coming Saturday, I have an awesome performance planned which I will blog about when I get the time…but if u don’t have anything u gotta do that night y’all better show up and show some love!)

less Internet < More Revison (in theory that is!)

2009-03-05T07:58:00.000+03:00

My internet connection got canceled this week, and my mother isn’t around to pay for it so I’ve been forced to cut down on my internet time. I suppose it’s for the better since I have mock exams coming up next week that I am not as ready for as I should be! Now I can use the time I spend online doing revision…NOT!

The once habitual routine of revision has been increasingly challenging these days, and I often have to muster all the energy and will I have to do a single topic in a single subject! Its just so boring and irrelevant and too concentrated for my mind to absorb! My failing revision routine foretells an avoidable doom - avoidable only if I can concentrate on revision for more than 30 minutes! (Which has proven to be harder than first assumed) You can’t force yourself to read and revise if you’re not in the mood, even if you do, chances are that you won’t have learnt or remembered anything!
I seriously need to improve my revision methods! (I wish they offered the whole syllabus on DVD!)

Yesterday I was trying to convince a friend of mine to let me photocopy her revision notes, and she totally refused, her reason was that during GCSE’s (like two years ago!) I photocopied her notes and got an A in the finals yet she got a B.
Mbu I fed off her hard work!! This is not only untrue but inaccurate! She was in fact at a better advantage since she wrote the notes, than me who just read through them! No one fed off the other; we both had the same revision notes and sat the same exam! It was totally fair.
She’s just hating that I’m just smarter, and got a higher grade with less effort!

Well I’m not one to beg, so I dropped it, but I swear that if I do get a higher grade than her again this year, I will rub it in her face sooo bad, and make her accept that with or without her revision notes, I’m still smarter than her! Ha-ha-freakin-HA!
I guess this means I’ve got to really revise now…

P.S. I know its evil spirited and conceited but I hope she fails! Okay not fail, but doesn’t pass as highly…

Grrr
I take that back! incase it backfires and i end up failing for wishing she fails!
LoL

The song that has been playing in my head all freakin day!

2009-02-25T18:19:00.001+03:00

If I had my way,
I'd never speak to anyone again
I gotta say, I hate people I'm so sick of them
I just can't stand the bullshit
I wishI was so far away from it
I'm just stupid and I'm angry
is it immature for me to say:

Fuck all you Motherfuckers
Fuck all you Motherfuckers
Fuck all you Motherfuckers
FUCK YOU! (x2)

eel so lame,
'cause that's the best I can do to express myself
It's always the same,
say the"F" word maybe that'll help
I'm so sick of trying to fit in,
I don't even know where to begin
I got friends but they don't know me,
but I'd tell the world to blow me

Fuck all you Motherfuckers
Fuck all you Motherfuckers
Fuck all you Motherfuckers
FUCK YOU! (x2)

And there's just one more thing that,
I have just got to sing ya
Everyone and everything

FUCK YOU!

***

Awesome song!
Band: Forces of evil
Song title: The angry anthem
One of those highlight songs in the soundtrack of my teenage life!

R.I.P Roxy...

2009-02-23T22:51:00.000+03:00

Meet Roxy.

She's a half breed between an alsatian and bull dog, named after Roxy in the Musical Chicago (a favourite)...a sasy lady who killed her husband acted by Rene zellwegger.

Meet Roxy.

She died today.
It was pretty shocking, but I guess looking back she has been quite unwell.
Sad that I never really said farewell.

My brother had noticed she, Roxy, had not been herself. She’s been acting sluggish of recent, especially yesterday. She wouldn’t eat, and had extra foul doggy breath. He spent the whole day outside with her. We called the vet that night and he said he would come over the next morning. Today after school the house help announced that she had died.

I couldn’t believe it. We knew she was ill, but ill enough to pass away?! I was shocked.

At first I couldn’t bring myself to go see its corpse. I never have been able to see dead things.
Even when they brought my father’s coffin back home for the night the day he died. I couldn’t bring myself to look into the coffin. I was taken and I stood right next to it, bowed my head as if to be looking into the coffin but my eyes were closed. Not even a glimpse in the corner of my eye. My eyes remained tightly closed.

There’s something chilling about the emptiness of corpses, something cold and menacing. Especially if the eyes are still open. And the smell of death…it’s the most sickening smell! But my brother assured me she looked like she was just asleep. And she was, apart from the stiff way her legs jutted out. Or the unresponsive way her head swung and dragged on the floor when we lifted her out of the kennel. There’s just something so creepy about that, I know she was dead but I kept telling my brother to be careful with her …the corpse, like she could still feel it. I know it sounds stupid but it makes me really uneasy.

My first response was to file charges and Sue!! Of course I’ve never actually sued anyone, but I’m wondering, do I have a case?
We’d need the vet to prove it was the food that directly caused the death of my dog, which would be difficult since the corpse is already buried as I type this out. Also my mum says court cases are expensive and are a hustle she wasn’t willing to go through or finance…I don’t know of any Ugandan animal rights groups or a board I can appeal to that checks the quality of animal feed here. Neither do I know whether we have a member of parliament for animal rights I can write and appeal too. I won’t even bother calling the manufacturers of this shit ‘cause I know they wouldn’t give a damn, or be of any help. HELP?!

I feel that justice should be served, not just to Roxy but all the dogs that have suffered at the malicious hands of crooked opportunist fat bellied capitalists and manufacturers all in the name of consumerism. All in the name of cutting costs and maximizing profits!

So we decided to bury her today, we felt it was the right thing to do.

We dug out a pit, me, my brother and the house help even offered a helping hand. So we put her in, carefully, and covered her up.

The sky was a murky blue all evening, like dirty soapy water after washing with omo…a mirror image of the gloom that hung over the household that evening. Funny how whether tends to do that, reflected moods…maybe it’s just us who project our moods unto the skies that reflect them back…

Turns out the sky wasn’t just a reflection of the gloomy feeling but was heavy with rain. After the rain, I felt much better. Standing out in the rain is so therapeutic. Especially tropical rain, with its swollen drops and rhythmic splash … I defiantly felt much better after the rain.

We carried out a mini funeral service.
We reminisced, we talked about death, we lit a candle, we engraved the tree she was buried nearby, we prayed, we were silent, we were grateful for life, we let it pass.
For death is a part of life.
We weren’t the only ones. My other dog, her brother, Bugsy (also named after a gangsta character in a musical called Bugsy Malone), seemed to be mourning too in his own way. Tell me you don’t see any emotion in his face?!

That’s why I think Animals, in fact all living things have souls. Its an vital part of life, I think…part of the reason science hasn’t discovered how to create life yet, its much complex than the physiological, its all to do with the spiritual. And you can feel it too. You can feel the presence of spirit, an aura of sorts that you can feel near trees, plants, animals…

Plus animals have personalities, if you have had any kind of pet(s) before you would surely agree with me. No Dog, cat, Fish, parrot, whatever has ever really been the same. Its more evident in dogs I think. They clearly show emotion, not human emotion but their kind of animal emotions. The fact that they recognize death, and even mourn the death of their own kind, supports this view! Its not just dogs, but elephants and primates do too!

I once had a conversation about where animals go when they die. Is there such a thing as an animal heaven, or is that a childish thought? we are all God’s creatures, he surely cares for the animals as he does for us, or does he?

Since the animals and plants were never kicked out the ‘Garden of Eden’, my theory is that they never left Eden. They still live there in mind.

Notice how animals lives are so carefree, no worries apart from survival, which the earth provides for them food shelter. no pressures like we humans face. We used to be that blissfully ignorant, in the ‘Garden of Eden’.

Unfortunately animals do struggle today, but that’s because we have encroached on their habitats and displaced them into a hostile world that has no place for them, forced them into domestication by breaking their wild spirits and bringing quite a number of them to near extinction.

Anyways, Eden has been described as heaven. As it is no longer physically on earth…its said to be in a spiritual realm of sorts. Some think its somewhere in the cosmos/“in the skies”, some think its in our minds, a state of being reached through meditation…

so lets assume animals are constantly in this state of mind, since they were never banished from Eden. What happens to their souls when they die?
Are they reborn into another form of life? Reincarnation sort of thing? Like re useable life energy that keeps the world turning or something…

Guess i'm yet to come up with a theory for that one...*Sigh*

1:28am - I swear i can hear all the dogs in the neighbourhood howling...

The curious phenomenon of alcoholism...

2009-02-21T12:53:00.000+03:00

I met up with a friend recently, a friend I had been avoiding for sometime. But since I had sorted things out between me and him and him, I saw no harm in meeting up with him.

What could happen? Apart from some flirting which I could handle…Plus he insisted.

He wanted to come over at home, but I thought it would be better to go somewhere else where shit cant just happen (thanks to the scrutinizing eye of the public)...yet not too public, somewhere we can assume the 'anonymous-couple-talking-at-a-cafe' facade, (like the extras in the movies-lol).
Somewhere near home...

So he came home, and we took a walk down to Bill’s café.
It was a good chance to talk and catch up; although quite strange at first, since I have never actually seen him in the day time!
Usually we talk on the phone, or I see him at night when we're all out.
So I took a good look at him, and was shocked at what I saw:

He actually used to be kinda cute, or maybe it was the 'alcohol goggles' and the flashy night lights that make evrything seem so cool, or maybe because it was just dark...people look different at night even if there is light you know.

In the daytime however, he looked really messed up.

He’s eyes were all squinty and kind of swollen and looked dirty, like he had just woken up and hadn’t washed his face.
His skin was oily in a venomous way, like those slimy green and black Amazon frogs…looks cool on them, but mutant scary on humans!
He looked kind of burned in some areas too…'scorched' perhaps is a better word.
He was skinny and lanky, even more so than when I last saw him, and walked in a limp tired way, I could tell he was out of shape from the lil’walk we had to the café and back…

I dont know why i hadn't seen this before. Perhaps it was the stark sunlight that made his true form and colour naked to my eye. Perhaps I just hadn’t ever really taken a good look at him!

whatever it was, it made me realize that alcohol really is poison!, and with time its evident as it takes its toll on your body.

This dude has been parteyin and going out from 7pm tp 6am almost every other day of the week for like a year now, (still in his S6 leavers vac which started at the end of 2007!)
Fastforward to now, he's still doing what he was doing a year ago; borrowing money from his parents, going out drinking, crashing in the day time, with a few errands his mother forces him to do inbetween. No studies no job, his guitar got broken sometime last year so he's been doing nothing constructive for the past year!
2008 must have been one big alcohol stained year for him.

Hope he doesn’t turn out to be like those guys in their late 20’s/early 30’s and are still living like they are 20 and just finished school. Cause thats just sad.

I mean it would be a shame if I started university before him! He’s like 3years older than me yet sometimes he acts like 3 years yonger than me.

I told him of course what a mess he was, and he should really sort out some things in his life. Though I’m sure that’s a song he’s heard way too often. Just hopes he listens to the lyrics this time.

On another note, I went out last night for a friends 18th birthday bash- legally (this time) with parents consent and all, and had a (sober) blast!
Despite the majority of people who were on the balcony puffing away on tobacco and other smokeable dry plants, and those ordering more potent drinks than the innocent sprite I was sipping, I managed to have fun and resist the temptation and danced like my feet were on fire! all without being intoxicated!

I guess I couldn’t shake off the scorched-toady-face of my friend, i kept imaging seeing him at the bottom of every glass of alcohol passed my way...

But the human mind is strange.
I’m sure a few weeks down the road I’ll find myself doin the two step with a drink in my hand.

How is it that we can genuinely want a healthy and alcohol free diet and drink ourselves silly or gobble down a cholesterol choke full serving of food without thinking twice.
Know how bad something is for our well being, but indulge in it freely and regularly.

What’s up with that?!

Random Blah: the cure to flu & hilarious adverts

2009-02-18T23:26:00.001+03:00

I managed to get over a flu that was threatening to take me under in just one day!
How? Heres my lazy girls guide to curing flu in the first few days you feel ill:

1) Drinking loads of fluids, juice, tea, water, you name it. Sure you piss like a horse but it really does work.
2) Rest does miracles! I skipped a whole day of school just to “rest” .In other words sleep in and chat all day, but it worked. Gave my body time and strength (that would have otherwise been used to just get through the day) to fight off the virus.
3) Blow your nose, don’t sniff it back in! cough, spit , do whatever you have to do to get that flem out! Your body is trying to get it out for a reason! Don’t let it build up…this is where the staying home part is necessary, because it can be embarrassing doing this in public!
4) Lozenges don’t really do much apart from relief…but they make a difference, so I advise that you stock up!

Anyways, on my sick day off, I was browsing through some blogs and discovered this hilarious post about how its national condom week in the states, it was paying tribute to what they considered awesome condom adverts, and I’d have to agree, check it out:

So I end up on YouTube, (the source of the video, in search of more funny condom commercials) and found this hilarious composition of adverts that for some reason or the other were never broadcasted. (You soon see why!).
They range from beer to phone services, and are quite funny.
Some are even brilliant!
I recommend you watch it!
My favorites are:
-the lady in the bus whom everyone is staring/waving at, because of the billboard on the bus, though she comes off thinking it was her attracting the attention!
- the beer one! Lol! Beer goggles! (personal fav)
- the one about how calls are meant 2 be private! Lol
- the one about energy efficient light bulbs, with the farting lamps.
- the ‘exciting’ camera one…

Some were just stupid though!

this is one of the reasons i'm considering advertisement as a possible career option! it looks fun!!
i could come up with these!!

Valentines blah /African Heroines continued...

2009-02-14T12:14:00.000+03:00

Valentine’s day has never touched me.
its too commercialized for any sentiment, too much hype it drowned out the genuineness for me.
I believe that love should be expressed everyday, every moment you feel it. On valentines too many people are pressured to show their love in the most lavish of ways. That’s so fake.

Anyways, since today’s theme is love, I guess it makes most sense to blog about it today. If i dont, it'll bug me!!

Love.
I don’t understand how the English language has only one word to describe a feeling so diverse as love. There is romantic love, brotherly love, and unconditional love. The most complex yet widely sought after being romantic, and the most precious yet unappreciated and abused is the unconditional one.

I love partying but I decided not to go out (wait, I’m not even aloud out, I usually sneak out! Lol!…what I mean is I decided to obey my mothers house rules). Why? Because I love my mother and since she been going through some difficult times, especially with my brother and her sisters, and work, I thought I wouldn’t add unto her problems…I think I did the right thing, even though I’m feeling shitty at the moment. Especially when this fine brotha called me asking where I was and that everyone was out (I heard them too, he wasn’t hyping), I almost decided to jump that very moment get on the 1st boda I saw, picked up a bottle of sum-something and…ahhh! Whoever said doing the right thing felt good lied. Sin sooo blissfully feels goood!!
I guess this kinda love takes sacrifice.

I love my boyfriend, but I don’t feel as inclined as to tell him every time we talk, because I don’t feel like I love him all the time. But on the whole I do, you know? I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for as long as we have (10 months). I sometimes feel like ending it, its not like we are getting married. But ending it may cause some hard feelings, which I want to avoid. I miss the excitement of the single dating game!!! I know it sounds shallow but damn, give me a break, I’m young and supposed to be having fun! This kinda love is complex, it changes. That’s why I think its an illusion, often begins with selfish interests and intentions, and hard to maintain…though it can sometimes lead to beautiful things!

I love my brother. more than anyone else in this world. But he hurts me sometimes, its only human though. He’s been sick so I spent the day with him, now I think I’m feeling sick, coming down with a cold too…*sniff*sniff*...

So I’m spending valentines at home, alone. My boyfriend is away at uni, my friends are all out having a freaking great time without me, even the neighbors are having a house party…me? I’m in bed. Sitting semi dressed (its damn hot out tonight!) in the warm glow a few scented candles (why not? They’re not just for decoration), and a hankie *sniff*sniff*, listening to my Badu and other soul sistahs…loving myself.
Okay, that sounds wrong!

Happy (or not so happy) or just plain boring (like me) valentines day!

***

Continuing on the african heroine series for black history month, presenting:

the warrior queen!

Queen Amina of Zaria
1533-1610
Nigeria

Amina was the warrior queen of Zazzau (now Zaria).
She expanded the territory of the hausa people to thier largest borders in history. She is credited with popularising the earthen city wall fortications, which became characteristic of Hausa city-states.
It is common belisf that Amina died during a military campaign at Atagara a military campaign at Ataggara near Bida in Nigeria.

No Panties!!

2009-02-14T00:13:00.000+03:00

Eizzy dont wear no panties either!!
lol, this song made my day, so i thought i would share it with yall...

peace

Black History Month this Febuary

2009-02-09T23:08:00.000+03:00

It’s black history month this February. I know that’s an American thing, and I’m not American (Uganda Oye!!), but I feel inclusive of the term 'black'. And I am a history student, who happens to feel strongly about my people.

I also believe that we are not that much different in terms of the issues we face in societies. Whether African American or simply African, we face similar issues in this modern age, such as idolizing westernized beauty (we choose the weaves and hair straightening chemicals instead of our naturally luscious kinky hair), domestic violence, mis-education, ‘tribalism’/gang culture, gold diggin’ women (these ‘go getters’ with sugar daddies) just to name a few.

Its not just us either, our parents used to be influenced by American and westernized culture too. I don’t know about you but my old man had a collection of cowboy hats that he cherished due to those old western movies they used to watch back in the village.

So you know what? Black people are black people everywhere. In Africa, in Europe, in the states, and we face similar problems and challenges.
So why not adopt Black history month and celebrate and learn more about our people too.

As an urban feminist black African female, the topic I’ve chosen to blog about every so often this month is African heroines.
in no particular order of importance or date; just a weekly supplement for all my strong African women, and people too.

Presenting:

Wangu Wa Makeri
1900
Kenyan.

She was the first and only female ‘headman’ during the entire colonial period in an area modern day Murang’a.
She was born in the second half of the 19th century into a traditional kikuyu society.
She proved to be a very powerful and authoritarian ruler and was widely supported by the female population.

Sundays

2009-02-08T23:27:00.000+03:00

Written last Sunday:

So I got bored today. After an extremely busy weekend/last four days, doing nothing the very next day is…strange.

I know, one would expect it to be a relief, but I guess I had gotten used to it.
It was like drinking one of those heart pounding intoxicating yet non-alcoholic soft drinks, then crashing after a speed race like day.

Like most days, I wake up having a mental list of things I have to do, however I forgot them after the next 20 minutes of extra sleep. Perhaps it was the idleness, the nagging conscious of work to be done, the fatigue, the unsolved shadows on the walls of the mind, the mounting exam pressure.
I don’t know what it was.
But today of all Sundays I just wanted to get high.

The opportunity was an open door I couldn’t close: an empty house, a free tomorrow morning I could do the more urgent work, a person who was willing to share the stash…
Like most Sunday afternoons, I was listening to radio. The best music is played on Sundays in my opinion, at the time the ‘Soul Survivor’ show was on was playing, and I had a few soul albums I could continue the evening with. It was so hilarious when I began really listening and analyzing what the radio show host “the Reverend of soul” and his special guest speaker from America were talking about.
For instance what the radio host and guest speaker were saying was not connecting, which hinted that they couldn’t understand each other. The American and African.

The host is also such a faker! Okay he has a nice deep radio voice but his accent is fake, like those you hear on hot 100, they make you grind your teeth just listening to them! Also when his guest would mention a song they loved, the host would claim he had it, and when he was asked to play it, he put on another song, apologized for playing the wrong song, and then completely brushed off the topic. I listened to the rest of the show waiting for him to play the track…lol. He so didn’t have it. He shouldn’t have lied about it either.

Then the reggae show started after with the host “Mystery” another fake radio presenters. Are there any real radio presenters out there anymore?( Apart from Fatboy!)
Anyway on this show, I realized that the people who always call the show are the same! At one point the host greeted a caller by their name before they even said anything! How did he know that?! Furthermore, the supposedly ignorant tone the host used didn’t help mask the tone of familiarity the callers had.

Another thing I would crack up at was the Rastafarians that would call. There’s one particular dude, who requested for the ganja planter song. However he refused to say his name, calling himself ‘Ras anonymous’. When the host questioned why he refused to give his name he said ‘Babylon was on his tale’!

Unlike every Sunday, I laughed my head off listening to the radio.
Damn…I have to do this again.

Written this Sunday:

Well, i didn’t get high again.
I guess those Sundays come once in a blue moon.
But seriously, this time round i choose not to. I don’t need to get high to enjoy a boring Sunday at home. at least that’s what i keep telling myself. We all practice a little escapism, it’s just that some methods are safer and smarter than others...

Re-cap of the week

2009-02-06T10:36:00.000+03:00

What a strange past week it has been for me! A lot has been going on in my life and with no one I can really talk to, or time to lavishly spend on blogging whenever I feel like, I’ve decided to have a bit of a rant once in a while. Just let it all out, in no particular order. Self therapy at its best! Each of the following colud be a blog entry of its own, hence the sub titles…lol.

1) I just never learn when it comes to retards! >>I had an odd visitor today, out of the blue kind of thing! Some one came to call me claiming some unknown dude was looking for me. I go to the window and don’t recognize the mysterious figure at the gate, and he didn’t look interesting mysterious, he looks like Go Away I don’t Know or want to know you mysterious. Anyways I went checked who it was. It turned out to be an “OB” (as he called himself) named Ceazer. He used to be in my class in year 9/senior 4. He was mentally disabled and I was one of the few people who treated him like a normal guy. I was nice. So apparently he had moved into the neighborhood and heard I lived here so he came to visit. Why me? Baba (another “OB”) lives just up the hill but noooo, he chose me!
I always have this problem with mentally disabled people. I’m nice to them, unlike everybody else, and as a result the end up “falling in love” with me or I become their “best-est friend”! Do you know what that can do to your reputation? Especially in the merciless-trivial-gossip-riddled-superficial social circles of high school! Plus I never felt like I was friends with these people, I just pitied them so I was nice (It’s just easier for me to be nice than cruel). Well now I know why people are never that nice to mentally retarded people…Luckily I pretended I wasn’t me and said I would pass on the message to ‘her’. Next time he comes around I’d have ‘moved houses’ or ‘gone to boarding school’. Hey, what’s a girl to do??

2) Kill Me Quick>> My delve into African literature continues! I borrowed another book today; a novel this time by Meja Mwangi (Kenyan guy) called ‘Kill Me Quick’. The opened the book and was immediately asserted with this:
Days run out for me,
Life goes from bad to worse
I was already hooked! This frank simple yet striking use of language and tone carries through in the rest of the novel, at least the first two chapters I have read, and I love it. Such modern African literature is very refreshing to me, as I am used to old British novels and plays one is forced to study in Literature at school. Somebody should change those books on the syllabus already, eish!! Anyways this tiny book (its only 151 pages and is like a small notebook) seems to have some good reading in store for me. I think I will have to start a regular book review soon…

3) Hazy left eye>> The left lens of my glasses keeps popping out! This first happened today when I sneezed. I opened my eyes and my vision was distorted in one eye, I thought there for a split second I had sneezed my left eye out! LoL, apparently this is possible, if you sneeze with your eyes open…lol. Anyways I seriously need to get them fixed. Properly. I just wonder how the screw became loose in the first place though…I guess it just shows everything is always constantly moving. I call it the rhythm of earth, of life, inanimate objects are forced to vibrate a little too…You cant fight the beat baby! LoL

4) Creepy coincident>> Yesterday was my late Aunts birthday, she died of liver cancer or some other alcohol abuse associated complication. She was the black sheep of the family on my mums side. It happened to be on this day that my brother was caught high off weed at home. He’s the new black sheep of the family, according to my mother. This wasn’t the first time its happened though, but it was as emotionally stressing on all of us. My mother was in tears, My aunt giving threatening suggestions of sending my brother ‘away’ and me frustrated and on the verge of tears at the thought of them sending my only beloved blood brother away! The lingering awareness of my late tragic aunt made the situation that more grave. But these things always happen in my family. My dad for instance died on my uncles birthday, an uncle who has also come close to death due to alcohol abuse. There’s a traceable pattern of the presence of death on birthdays. Like its almost cautioning those with reckless lives…I wonder what creepy coincident will happen on one of my birthdays…

5) I was meant to ride solo, they just bring me down!>> I hate doing group assignments these days at school! I tend to get stuck with the group of unserious students who couldn’t care less about the assignment or are easily distracted from the task at hand or are just in efficient which totally hinders the key strengths of group work! Its frustrating to be stuck in such groups! I cant be bothered to motivate them either because i wasn’t elected group leader, no one was. At this stage we should all be mature enough to function as a group, together. I used to end up doing the whole project myself, however now I just don’t give a shit! I do my own thing...could the problem be with me??

6) School Sucks>> I’m still totally unmotivated to revise and do work! I don’t know what it is, but I need to get back on track…exams arnt that far off. I hear the mock time table is out, haven’t seen it yet but I hope when I do it instills good-old-fashioned-work-ethic-based-on-the-fear-of-failure. I need something to give me a push…anything!

7) Still at the crossroads of life>> I’ve been thinking about m future this week, and I’m still confused on what exactly I want to do. But at least I have a plan for 2009/10. I’m basicly planning to go to Malaysia and do an art foundation degree. Why?

· I’m tired of books and traditional academics. A year drawing and painting sounds pretty damn good to me!
· I will meet a lot of fellow Ugandans there. This is key because I fear coming back from university and not having any friends here. I don’t want to to be out of touch. Most of my high school friends will be all over the world (disadvantage of being in an international school) and It would be awkward trying to make friends when I’m out of university, I mean most life friends are made in university, and they are the constant and realizable friends in ones adult life. Where would I even start? A bar? At work? Chat up strangers at Nandos? Aha I think not…
· Its cheap. I don’t want to break my over worked single mother paying tuition for me in the UK where they charge international students quadruple the amount UK citizens pay to go to university. Its not fair. I’d rather go to university in Africa…
· Its warm and has beautiful coast. This appeals greatly to the tropical girl I am!
· It’s a good way to buy time and really think over what I want to pursue as a career, but without having to be idle. I also get to create a professional portfolio, which gives me opportunities to further study art if the wind blows me in that direction.

8) Mrs. Lonely>> I feel so lonely these days hence the long detailed disjointed blog entry today! Since there is no one really to listen to me rant and rave and procrastinate, apart from my blog. I can’t talk to my boyfriend because we are in such different states of mind, conditions/situations, as well as locations, he wouldn’t get what I was talking about. I’ve tried, it ended up just being frustrating. More signs of the breakdown of communication between us, a red warning light in relationships. I cant talk to my family, there are dealing with enough issues as it is. I cant talk to my school friends, I just get the feeling that they don’t give a damn. You know, they type you can just have fun with, but not really bond with. I cant talk to my online buddies due to the simple fact that the ones I enjoy chatting to are never online when I am. Bad timing I guess. I cant talk to other friends eg. HIM, because he has hidden motives. I know he wants me, so I have to be careful what I say to him because such personal information can be dangerous in the hands of the wrong person…so I turn to you. Just wish you could talk back sometimes… *Sad smile*

9) UGH MTN!!! >> My MTN mobile internet is driving me up the wall! The connection is ever crashing, and chronically slow, especially when I need it most. Technology is a bitch!

10) Blazed Sunday>> I got high last Sunday afternoon. I know, I’m slipping…I wrote a funny blog entry though that evening, I didn’t manage to post it though…go figure! Hahahahigh! Will post it this Sunday…Just for laughs…

couldn't get off the sinking ship...

2009-02-02T09:13:00.001+03:00

Well I couldn’t let the ship sink.
Because he was on it,
And he wouldn’t jump off,
Despite the flashing red ringing alarm bell:
'Abandon ship, leave behind this shit!
Save yourself or die, because this ship is going down,
I repeat abandon ship!'
But he never jumped.
I couldn’t either;
because I had promised myself that I wouldn’t again,
Not until another year had passed...
“I guess everyone has their price”
Their limit.
Their breakeven point.
That silver-slick-jaded-broken-piece of an ice berg
Floating, half submerged, somewhere
In the ocean;
The wide ocean of being.

Yet Again...

2009-01-28T19:55:00.000+03:00

I never knew I would be back here again.
suffocating in this guilty pain...especially not with you, yet I’m here again;
like a bad déjà-vu, a scratch that won’t let the record play through...

So I end up back here again, guilty ‘cuz I helped cause this pain. Playing devil’s advocate, I guess I deserve what I get…Perhaps its part of my fate…or am I the one mingling with your fate. Either way, it’s a disturbing trait that plagues our relationship. Its got a hole in it, this 'ship, we’re sinking, and we're gonna die if we remain on it...you have to realise when to quit ...

I can only hold on to you for so long…we’re sinking, and I don’t want to drown, so I’m leaving…is that so wrong? If you won’t leave too, what more can I do…if I stay I’ll know I’ll be back here again...again.
its driving me insane!!
i feel like i'm stuck in a bad déjà-vu
stuck on a sinking ship handcuffed to you!

I couldn't have said it better...

2009-01-26T02:17:00.000+03:00

It always feels so special when there happens to be a song that seems to have been written for/about you (those with soundtracks for their lives would know what I’m talking about). Well, in regard to the the (SHE x HIM) + ANOTHER = DILEMMA , Erykah Badus song next lifetime total captures the essence of my love life…i couldnt have said it better...

Next Lifetime (Live Version) - Erykah Badu

NEXT LIFETIME by Erykah Badu

[chorus 1]
Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When Im already someones girl?
(repeat 2x)

Verse one:
First time that I saw you boy
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted youI really hoped you looked my way
When you smiled at me
So warm and
I could not stay
You make me feel like a itty-bitty girl
What do you do to me

Chorus 1 (repeat 2x)

I guess Ill see you next lifetime
No hard feelingsI guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im gonna be there

Verse two:
Your energy, feels so damn good to me
It picks me up dont wanna come down
You got me spinning all around
YeahYou need to know
Ive got that somebody
Youre beautiful
But it aint that kind-a party nowww

Chorus 1 (repeat 2x)

Well I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Baby well be butterflies
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
That sounds so divine

I guess Ill see you next lifetime
I guess I will now
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Wait, wait a little while

Verse three:
See it aint nothing wrong with dreaming
Boy dont get me wrong
Cause every time (every time) I see you (every single time)
I know just how strong (every single time)
That my love is for my baby
But emotions just dont lie
Well I know Im a lot of woman
But not enough to divide the pie

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
You know I want to stay around
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im so confused now

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Already
Im going to be there
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im going to look for you

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Oh
Oh baby
Im gonna be there
Im gonna be the there...

knowing without being told = feeling

2009-01-17T00:26:00.000+03:00

It always amazes me when someone close to you can sense things even if they are physically far and haven’t had any contact from you, not even talking on the phone, yet can sense when something is wrong. How do they know? How can they feel it? Almost like telepathy…human relationships are such an amazing phenomenon!

Anyways, recently that Other guy (I had blogged about in the post (She x Him)+Another=Dilemma) re-appeared in my love life of recent. I had decided 2 solve that dilemma by just distancing myself from him and focusing all my attention on Him. And it worked, he stopped calling but I didn’t feel great about it, certainly not like I had resolved anything but rather felt like I had messed things up more…
After all he had become a really close friend whom I enjoyed talking too, made me laugh, was fun to hang out with…but we had grown too close, and feelings had began to develop.

Well I lost all my numbers recently so its not like I could call him up just to check up on him, but that week for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then he called me, and when I picked up I knew who it was before he even said anything! Turns out he had gone through a difficult time during the past two weeks and when he called me needing someone to talk to, I wasn’t there for him. I felt terrible! Because he’s been there for me…so we began talking again, though he refused to tell me about what had happened. He’ll tell me in time I guess…

On the other side, my focus began to shift, and it was reflected in the reduced length and frequency of our phone calls, but it wasn’t that obvious. Then he calls me one day and tells me how weird he’s been feeling, taking it lightly I tell him he’s probably coming down with a cold, then he tells me that he has been feeling lonely all over sudden, and feels sudden bouts of love for me at random times and has the urge to call (funny thing is that he has called while I was on the phone to the other dude!) …like an intentional coincidence!

He could feel that I was being drawn to another guy, and I could feel that the other guy was going through something and that I should have been there for him, and he could feel that I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t!
Its like we all just felt these things without having to know, u know??

Me Myself and I???

2009-01-08T18:55:00.000+03:00

The issue of identity has been one I’ve thought over the majority of my teenage life. This rebirth I talked about in my new years’ theme is once again linked to this, in a way it is me pealing layers of myself to find who I truly am. I’ve learnt along the way that these layers are actually part of and to an extent make me who I am, however some of these layers are not qualities I would like to have. Others are formed by external influences (eg. Other people’s perceptions, the media, culture and society etc) which have forged me into a person, that does not connect with the inner me, hence is not truly me! do you get what i'm trying to say?

So in this search for myself I have become slightly obsessed with defining myself, in order to know who I am and hence less susceptible to the bullshit the world is constantly feeding us…

On this note, I had a very interesting History lesson about Nationalism. The ‘teenage phase’ of European nations during 18th-20th centuries, and I began to think about my own nationality as a Ugandan. An African. Most African nations and states were formed by European colonists who divided up the land for themselves, and somehow the boarders stuck, despite the fact that so many different tribes and people ended up in the same nation, yet didn’t speak the same language or share cultures etc, all that makes a nation united...

I know that before this happened, there were just many small territorial units under this or that tribe, and that the tribalistic nature of Africans (and mankind on the whole actually) would have made unification as a nation a very bloody affair (just like it was in Europe, the 1st and 2nd world war both happened in the era of nationalism, If Hitler and the Nazi era was a product of extreme nationalism, I wouldn’t want to know what would have happened in Africa! ).

Despite the possible hidden blessing the colonialists did for us by drawing out permanent boarders and creating states, although for selfish inconsiderate reasons, I still feel that Ugandans don’t have that nationalistic unity that we should have as a nation, especially compared to neighboring Tanzania, (Kenya is not the best of examples, they got similar issues when it comes to unity, but are still more nationalistic than us!)

Although it has gotten better, and more people feel more Ugandan, most people still find tribe an important aspect of their identity. I’ve heard my mother tell me numerous times how never to marry a Muganda, and how the Basoga are weird people with weird a culture, and not to even think of bringing a Northaner home! Or how the Bahima are lazy and love gossip, so that leave who? My people from the south west the only likely suitors/spouses? I thought we were all Ugandans!!

Like my country, I am torn/confused/divided about my identity! The majority of who I am, was formed by western ideas of what a young black female should be, through media, my school, my peer group etc…this was the age I used to listen to angry dark rock music, try to be sexy, strive to have straight long hair, thought local languages were ‘local’ (in the negative way, i.e. ignorant, not cool), found white dudes more attractive, even used to find my features awkward in comparison to what i thouht i should be and used to be! Thank God I opened my eyes and saw past these lies and insecurities!!

Still, I have my doubts and uncertainties of who I am. I have conflicting identities in a way, for instance, I am very pan Africanist, afro-centric, proud to be an African and I would like to give back to my people and my country, my continent one day, yet I can’t speak any African language fluently. I am very liberal not just politically but in most aspects of my life, yet I cherish the old school, and agree with some conservative and traditional things. I find men very attractive, and I’m certain I’m straight, yet I find women so sensual in every aspect, and can imagine myself being intimate with fellow female. I’m a good poet, a very visual and artistic person, opinionated and confident in my work opinions and thoughts yet I have terrible stage fright and I hate sharing my poems or art pieces… The list can go on and on…

In a way I can identify with African Americans and their struggle of identity, the situation and circumstances I grew up in such as; living in the suburb, exposed to mainstream media, going to an international school yet living in Africa and witnessing firsthand the poverty and suffering of my people, being naturally lighter skinned than the average Ugandan ‘Black person’, etc have caused a lot of conflict and confusion in the development of my identity. I live in two parallel worlds, and as a result I am a mixture of both! (I’ve been mistaken for a mixed race person many times, most people find it hard to believe I don’t have a white parent!)

There is an undeniable strength in this however! The more diverse one is, the stronger, more intellectual, more talented, open minded, flexible, adaptive and even more attractive one is! Look at the animal kingdom for instance, the more diverse a species genes are, the more likely it is to survive. When people intermarry within a family/families as often happens in small villages, the more likely their children will be born with deficiencies and underdeveloped cognitive abilities! The more mixed a person, the more attractive they are, certain features are not over emphasized, and they tend to have an exotic appearance most people find attractive!

My mother has commented before that the future belongs to the ‘Obama generation’...

Knowing who you are is a gradual process I suppose, since we are ever changing, perhaps no one never really knows who they are!?!

...Yet there are people who have such a strong sense of who they are, and are at peace and are confident about it, they are not easily shaken by bullshit! They attract people simply by being who they are, themselves.

I want to be like that!

Hope 2009 will be a year of striping away the layers, purifying and enhancing the enssentials of who i truley am...

The New Year...

2008-12-31T12:12:00.000+03:00

Instead of setting goals this year, i'm setting a theme for the year, in form of this image on the left.
My theme for 2009 is:

rebirth - I've done a lot of growing this year, and like a bud about to blossom, i want to be reborn...like a caterpillar that’s been developing in its cocoon, its about time i started to peel off the cocoon, and that’s what i wanna do with my life before i spread my petal like wings and soar...metaphors put aside, i want to put all I’ve learnt this year into practice, and that means changing and reinventing myself...
simplicity- despite the complex changes going on in the inside, i want to be as simple and collected as this beautiful oval shaped bud. This year had alot of confusion and chaos, especially in my love life, so i want a bit of stability and simplicity next year with my relationships with people (this includes love, friendship and family).

also, my colour for 2009 is going to be green! a soft young refreshing green like in this bud. It will symbolise me keeping it real and natural (check out the hair ;-)) and simple!

so thats my New Years Theme for 2009 sumed up in a picture!

***

Now, looking back at the year that was;
I will remember 2008 for:
summer love,
drunken nights out,
deceit and Revelations,
University prospectuses,
new glasses,
the inspiration of BARACK OBAMA!!!
i painted my room a deep red (yup all 4 walls!),
deaths and births,
cross roads my and my friends lives,
passion,
adventure,
losing my virginity,
gainig a new out look on life,
the year i quit smoking pot (I've been clean 9months now-not that i was addicted, just had enough),
the year i started my blog!!!
i've gained friends,
and some awards for academic achivement,
joined a Poetry society called the Lantern Meet, i had never shared my poetry with people like that before...

but if i was to sum up 2008 in one word, it would be growth.
it has been quite a colourful year for me, and i have no regrets. looking forward to 2009!

Happy New Years everyone!!

Dreadlock'd up for the new year!

2008-12-30T23:48:00.000+03:00

I finally got my dreads done today! After making my mind up earlier on this year, I got them in the end…it wasn’t easy though! But nothing worthwhile ever really is…

I first had to cut off the majority of my treated hair, I didn’t have any such attachment to it, but I must admit, its scary witnessing your hair being chopped off...all those years growing it and with one silent swift snip, the wisps of shinny treated curls that once covered your head are laying limp on the floor, leaving you ‘naked’...I have always thought females with short hair quite brave, they must be very confident in who they are, and how they look, no need for a tousle of hair to crop, hide, sweep, cover their face, distracting the eye from fully taking in their facial features…

Its not the first time I’ve erratically decided to cut my hair. Once when I was a little girl, I decided to cut a chunk of my long natural hair that my nanny and aunties had slaved over to grow. Just like that, without second thought, I decided that I wanted short hair like daddy. lol. actually thinking back, you could question my gender identification and role models (?!?)...
Well, point is, I’ve never felt too bad about cutting my hair, and have had an aesthetic preference for short hair, ever since I was a child...I think its spunky, and hence matches my character quite well, wouldn’t you agree??

Convincing my mum about the dreads the biggest obstacle, because if she doesn’t like the idea, she won’t give me money, and without the money, no dreads! So I went and did my research, pointed out women with dreads who still manage to look smart and orderly, and assuring her that I know all the implications and consequences that come with ‘such hairstyles’, and most importantly I’m not turning Rastafarian!!!

Honestly, Rastafarianism is more than a dreadlock thing, it’s a ‘conception of the heart’ like the song says, and the same goes for dreads, dreadlocks is more than just a Rastafarian thing!

To me, it’s working with what I have, building onto to make myself stronger. Let me break it down for you: I've never had my hair straightened and it lasts long, even with the chemicals, after a week and a good few washes, it starts getting tangled and knotted. I got tired of this, and tired of always braiding (it’s so tight, and I use fake hair when I already got a mass of thick hair, it just didn’t make sense to me) so I decided to work with my kinky mass of super tangled afro hair, instead of work against them.

Also, as I went through my little identity crisis this year, i realized our image of beauty (this goes for African women) is so messed up! All the weaves, extensions, coloring and fake hair just to have long Muzungu/Caucasian hair...why? When there is so much we can do with our natural hair, that is different, but beautiful all the same! Let it be kinky and wild, like our spirits, let it grow rich and dark towards the heavens! (I love South Africans for this, the way they wear thier black hair is so creative and proud)

Metaphorically, taking the knots and kinks in my hair and making them into strong long dreadlocks symbolizes taking the lemons of life and turning them into lemonade! Using those obstacles that life throws at you sometimes to build upon and make yourself stronger.

A great way to start the New Year, right? All dreadlocked up for 2009!
P.S. 1st pic is of me in plaits with my own hair, and second is of me and my dreads! I plan to grow them and make them bigger/thicker as time goes by…

I guess its about time I posted something Christmassy...

2008-12-24T00:40:00.000+03:00

Christmas lost meaning to me when I discovered that it is mostly based on a pagan ancient roman winter festival, and that Jesus wasn’t really born on the 25th December, or even any time close to that!

It all started when I discovered Santa was fake, ever since then Christmas never seemed right to me, and after I turned into a teen, my mum could no longer be bothered to keep up the Christmas tradition. Therefore, currently there’s no Christmas tree, no Christmas CD’s or music being played in the background, nothing special planed for the 25th, no gifts, nothing. We might not even go to church!!
LoL

I’m actually spending Christmas at the village, with my grandparents (who were around only a few days ago for some weddings, so it’s not like I can say I’ve missed them…) Despite the lack of city luxuries, I’m looking forward to going. At least I will be getting away from all the Christmas chaos and fakeness of the city, like the annoying promotions they drive around residential areas announcing on megaphones, or the Christmas messages in the media portraying a “white Christmas” while we’re going through one of the hottest months of this year!

And not forgetting the desperation that befalls the less fortunate during this time as they are pressured to provide something more than usual…just the other night my mum found herself surrounded by a group of threatening young men as she was driving home at night. The blocked the road, surrounded the car and tried to open it, luckily all windows were closed and she was locked in. she eventually got out of it by hooting and attracting attention then managed to maneuver her way past them. Such things only happen during Christmas in Uganda. Remember how many people died for various reasons last Christmas, either they were too drunk and fell in a ditch on the way home or were victim to a robbery that went ugly…

In the village, Christmas is a more mellow family orientated day occasion, unlike the crazy hyped commercial Christmas in the city.
We shall most probably be staying at my grandparent’s house, unfortunately our house is being rented out and the cottages at the lake are fully booked. Its strange because I’ve never actually slept at my grandparents house, only visited…at least it will be better than spending the holidays here!!

And just so I don’t seem like a spoil sport, happy holidays to all of you who do celebrate Christmas the traditional way!

(SHE x HE) + ANOTHER = DILEMMA!

2008-12-17T19:44:00.000+03:00

SHE loves him, HE loves her more.
No sweeter couple did THEY ever saw.
HIS friends congratulated him,
And OTHERS admired HER,
But No one could touch them whilst in each others arms...
Until HE had to go away to school,
HE promised to call HER everyday.
But the calls couldn't fill in the gapping hole created by HIS absense,
So ANOTHER stepped into the picture,
A friend of HIS, became a lover to HER,
HER new found guilty pleasure.
HE had no idea
SHE was having multiple ideas,
About HIM and ANOTHER…
SHE still loves HIM,
But SHE wants ANOTHER .
And SHE's also gonna have to go away soon,
Away to school too,
Leaving both behind,
THEY all know this...
HE wants to spend HER last days together
ANOTHER wants a chance with HER before she leaves,
SHE loves HIM but is in love with ANOTHER.
What a dilemma SHE’s gotten herself into!
and wonders how to get through it,
Because SHE doesn’t know what to do…

The not so promising holiday's here!

2008-12-13T23:50:00.000+03:00

Schools out at last!

This past week has been such a drag! Why is it that time slows down when you eagerly await something, so it seems like it’s taking forever! Well, its here, at last, and my holiday plan includes eating, sleeping, online marathons, watching tv, and going out to get stupid drunk…(I wish!!)
My Mums been possessed these days by some sort of spirit fascist dictator from another era who’s come back to fulfill his dominating fantasies. How can I tell? She’s drastically changed her parenting style to the very oppressive iron fist approach where she’s become supper strict about everything, and changes her mind so fast I’m convinced there is more than one person within in her . Which makes fully indulging myself in the activities mentioned above more difficult than they should be!

Just the other day, it was a Wednesday night I believe, she announced that she was confiscating my modem!! Her reason was that I was ‘addicted’ and she suspected that I was spending the whole all night on the internet when I should be asleep! She’s noticed I’ve been quite fatigued and she thinks that’s the reason, which is sooo (partly) not true!

I’ve been tired because school has been straining me, plus I’ve just recovered from a bad cough and cold, so yeah I have been feeling down, but not cause of the net! In fact most nights I’m too tired to be on it till past 1am! She then mentions that it might affect my grades. Total bullshit! I brought home a straight A report this term, like I always do! I got the modem around a month and a half ago, and if it was affecting my grades as she claims it is, I wouldn’t be getting straight A’s! But what hurts the most is that she doesn’t think I have enough discipline to say enough, let me give the net a rest. Even if I didn’t (which I do) know when to stop, “taking away” the modem won’t solve anything!

Firstly, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel when she says i'm 'addicted', like as if i have no self control and i'm so weak! I wonder if she really thinks of me like that? She has no idea the every day struggles i face and overcome daily!
Secondly, it’s the reason I decide to stay home Saturday nights instead of sneaking out to go party all night and sneak back in in the dark wee hours of the morning!
Thirdly and more seriously, I’ll be out of her iron fist grip in less than a year and when I am who’s gonna stop me? No One at all! So if I don’t learn these boundaries myself, I might end up doing really crazy stuff when I’m older and I will have to learn the hard way! She thinks she’s protecting me? She’s not, she’s making me more valuable to the outside world she’s so desperately trying to shield me from! She’s trying too hard, and when you try too hard to stop or prevent something, it so happens its more likely to happen! What you resist, persists after all! Life is ironic like that!

But she refuses to see my logic. I tried to compromise but in vain, that possession has gotten to her head! At least she’s at work most of the day and isn’t that creative with hiding places so at least I can steal the modem and get lost in the wide world web for a good few hours before they (my mother and the unsettled fascist dictator spirit that’s taken over her body and mind) come home again.

East African Music Vid's

2008-12-13T15:10:00.001+03:00

'I want you back' - XOD

OMG I love this song! Its by a Ugandan artist called XOD, and its a total break up/ i-want-you-back song, but not the typical cheesy guy stalking the light skinned video girl with attitude kinda video! That’s why i love it, its so above the typical low budget badly directed Ugandan videos we so used to, so i was totally impressed! I especially loved the stop motion effects and the symbolic imagery, it all added to the concept of the broken relationship...something most of can relate too! Also it doesn’t have the cheesy end where he gets the girl back, i mean who ever does in real life?! he just goes back into the old chest...amazing video!

'All the little things you do-oooh' - Wuhu ft. Bobi Wine

Another video i'm loving! It was shot by the east African group in MTV's making the video competition, which they won! Oh Yeah! And you can see why! The video is really good, once again the mood and atmosphere totally fit with the song! I especially love the golden tint of the video and the close up shots! Though i'm not a big Bobi wine fan (I find the high pitched ragga-inspired random squeals eg going 'gal' in the middle of rumbled lyric irritating) but he's bearable in this song! LOL! I find wuhu really cool though, she won best female i think in the recent MAMA (Mtv Africa Music Awards) recently!

Check them out! What u think?

'Words from a granary'

2008-12-10T15:51:00.001+03:00

I got stuck in the library today during the whole lunch break thanks to the sudden tropical rains! Since i wasnt in the mood of getting wet i decided to head to the nearest sheltered area from the cafeteria and thats how i ended up there...

anyways ended up finding this hidden corner of book i've never noticed before full of novels, short stories, poems and plays all written by African writers, most being east African which was rare despite living in East Africa, because most African books are by west Africans (at least the ones i've come across), so it was really interesting!

I ended up borrowing an anthology of short stories by Ugandan female writers called "Words from a granary", and what i found most interesting is the diverse style and content of the stories. At first i thought yeah, they all going to be about animals and ancestors in a folk tale sort of fashion, which i'm not saying is bad or that theres anything wrong with it, after all thats what African literature is usually about but the fact that none of them were like that and didnt fit in that stereotypical genre was what i found most appealing and interesting!

Its a good read, i've read quite a few now and these ladies have talent!

;-)

Been feeling out of sync these days...

2008-12-07T15:22:00.003+03:00

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i know that something is wrong.
I haven’t been myself these past few weeks, and its not just PMS! I've been feeling so tired, and fed up too. I don’t really care as much as i did and i'm totally un motivated and un inspired, not to mention having developed a negative attitude to most things, especially school...

I come home from school and i want to sleep, so i take a nap, and that nap turns into an all nighter and before i know it, its morning, and time to catch the school bus. Last night i fell asleep and had locked the upstairs door, so my mum couldn’t get in, they tired waking me up, knocking on the door loudly, shouting my name calling me, but i couldn’t wake up. She eventually had to break in! I sleep all night and can’t get up in the morning, and again in the evening i feel sleepy again!

This has really taken a toll on my academics, because i just can’t be bothered to do work anymore! Currently so much work has built up, and i know i should do it yet i don’t feel that alarm and urgency, and so i don’t end up doing the work. Or i may start it but not complete it!
I also can’t be bothered with getting involved in school activities. Last Friday i was meant to help with a food sale during the annual school production, but i just didn’t have the energy to do so. Though i did contribute food, i didn’t stay long to help...like i usually do!

I feel like i'm tired of school, and home life is just bad. My beloved younger brother is very ill, currently he's admitted into hospital and has spent the whole weekend there. I haven't been out in so long that some of my friends 'crazy-fun-night-out' stories are starting to get to me. I have a writers/creativity block and despite the urge to i haven’t been able to write or draw anything i've liked for various reasons. I miss my boyfriend so much at times and others i wish he wouldn’t love me so much. I feel like i have no real friends and no one to talk to, and i feel like i want to cry sometimes but i have no tears. On top of everything my mother thinks i'm intoxicated with something due to my recent fatigue-ness, but i'm so sober its depressing! Am i depressed?

I hate that term, and think its silly for people to say 'i'm depressed', after all, its all in the mind, right? Well now that i might be d e p r e s s e d , it doesn’t sound so silly to me. but i don’t think i really am depressed. i must be physically sick or something, yet i doubt going for a check-up will seriously help. Ugandan Clinics are not the most efficient!
Unless..i may be depressed unconsciously...now that’s something to think about!
Is that even possible? and why would i be depressed? things could be worse and i know it! I must be sick...or not...i don’t know!
But life seems to have darkened for me these days!

2008-12-05T09:16:00.000+03:00

I've been enchanted by the beautiful night sky of recent, especially the two stars opposite the crecent shaped moon...somehow looked like the islam symbol of the moon and star above, actually got me wondering why they chose that as the symbol...
Anyway, after some research i found out that what i've been looking at was venus and jupiter, (venus being the brightest one and directly above the crecent moon-just like in the islam sign)! plus it will be another 24 years or so till we see these two planets again so close! amazing huh? take a look tonight, wherever you are, and if that happens to be in east africa i can see how you can miss it in the dark night sky...

theres just something magical about astronomy!

Back from camping / World AIDS Day

2008-12-02T12:23:00.000+03:00

Got back from my annual class camping trip, and it was quite fun! Went to Lake Mburo and saw loads of animals ranging from hippos to buffalos and even zebras, which are now my favorite animal! The socializing part was not that great! Maybe its because I have it in my head that I’m leaving high school soon that now my class mates seem really boring! Sure I socialized, but cant say I had any meaningful or really funny conversations at all…
Overall though it was quite fun, especially the game walk and drive, oh and playing monster hunter 2 on psp on the way back! Lol

On a more important note, yesterday was WORLD AIDS DAY!! Watched a number of interesting mini documentaries, and though tired from the long road trip home, slept on a contemplative note, especially about the pressures and trends of sex on my generation today, I mean its everywhere, in the music, the commercials, books, movies…abstinence is close to impossible for the youth of today!…should go for an AIDS test one of these days, not cause I don’t know my status but to say I have and do support the fight against AIDS!
Be aware and stay alive people! Hope you had a safe world aids day!
One Love

School spirit full of shit!

2008-11-28T19:24:00.001+03:00

Posted this on facebook today; i thought it was such a classic piece! Its adressed to all those who been "tisk-tisk"ing me for not attending the school swiming gala claiming i dont have school spirit, uh puhlease!!

Today was the swimming gala: a day your forced to swim other peoples races in a crowded pool someone’s bound to have pissed in during the day, shouted at if u not cheering loud enough, and forced to stay in your school teams designated area with people you don’t like wearing a colour you hate pretending you actually care about a made up team you didn’t even choose to be in!
Worst part is, its compulsory.
Well, i only have a few more months left in school, and really couldn't be bothered to participate because i already have my conditional offers (and participating in the gala isn't part of the condition-lol) from universities, so i decided not to go to school this morning.
No big deal!?!

So my team loses points if i don’t show up, so what? its not even a gala between schools, its an inter-house gala. and these "points" have no value at all, so the team with the most points wins the trophy, so what? no one takes it home anyway! it stays in the school trophy cupboard with ribbons of the team colour and is then forgotten as it is covered in a layer of dust until the next swimming gala. A pointless game if you ask me!
and i don’t go to school to play silly games, i go to learn and get the qualifications that one needs to get ahead in the world. I don’t care at all about school teams and all that. its all fake anyway!

Plus, its not just me (I'm an optimistic pessimist , the middle way, like the balance between left and right wing politics-lol), its every single student, apart from the little ones whose enthusiasm is genuine, ah bless! Even the freakin student role models (I wont mention her name or very important official student status) of the whole school called me up yesterday and told me to do her race because of some lame excuse! That’s when i knew for sure i wasn't gonna show up. i hadn't even got in there and i'm already being told to do other peoples races? Hell no!

Don’t tell me about school spirit when no one is willing to do their race, all the able swimmers filling in for the non swimmer races, others just conveniently disappear at the time of their races or simply spend the whole day hiding out in the toilets with their psp’s and ipods! 80% of the girls at school “had their periods” today! Its not school spirit if the only reason your in the front cheering for your team is because a frustrated teacher is patrolling the back screaming at you if they catch you “not participating”!

No one really cares about their team or their school, and can you really force teens to be? With all the raging hormones, identity crisises, insecurities and all, isn’t it too much to ask of these kids? Teenagers are always gonna be teenagers, you can force them to do anything, you gotta work with them. And even the most deluded of teens knows when school spirit is faked! If it was real, I’d feel the urge to be part of it, but its not. It’s fake and full of shit! Honestly, if it wasn’t for Mr.Green breathing down our necks, this event in secondary school wouldn’t even happen! we can participate in other ways that we find relevant, notice how everybody dying to participate at dance off's? Now imagine if it was in school teams, with the colour, points and trophy system in place? Now that would generate real school spirit, plus it would be fun and its good for your physical health too! Wouldn’t that make sense than secondary school swimming gala's?

So don’t tell me I have no school spirit for not attending the gala, y’all don’t either, even if you did attend, the only difference is, that I’m cutting out the bullshit!

Tagged

2008-11-21T17:43:00.001+03:00

Okay, now that I actually got 7 blogs I follow, thought I’d give this a try,
Lemmie reiterate/repeat the whole concept of it,
This tagging is slightly different than simply posting pictures, we post 7 random facts about yourself, and 7 random people. Even if you don’t have 7 follower's, you can still tag as many of your acquaintances that you think will play this meet and greet type meme. (another meet and great game I’ll explain later)

Rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. List 7 random/wierd facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 folks and leave their links on your page.
4. Most importantly, let them know they been tagged and leave them a link to your tag post!

Oh and Tag me too!!

7 random facts about myself:
1. I’ve always wanted to learn how to tap dance and aspire to before I die!
2. I’m a pretty good swimmer (though kinda rusty these days), but absolutely failed to learn breast stroke!
3. I’m dyslexic, y’all just don’t notice thanks to spell check…despite that I write often and enjoy literature…go figure!
4. I have a birthmark on my tummy that is the same shape and size as my index finger’s finger print
5. Jill Scott’s song “A Long Walk” is my ideal romantic date!
6. I wish I lived the 90’s instead of being born then…
7. I’m only 17 but have really bad eyesight!

7 random people:
1. I tag Tia and Toya at Black Girls Like Us : - Insightful, down to earth, funny

2. I tag Sam at My pursuit of Happiness :- we go way back, young mother, damn tall chick!

3.I tag Philip at Ecclesiastical Proverbs :- he’s a “big baby”, witty, not your typical IT guy

4.I tag RBG Street Scholar Think Tank :- afro-centric, inspiring, controversial

5.I tag Hobo Teacher :- A day in the life of a teacher, hilarious, unique don’t think there’s anything out there quite like it

6.I tag Saylo at Chinese Restaurants are Fun to Prank Cal :- shenanigans, alternative view on most things, comical

7.I tag HektikLife at The Silent Podium :- opinionated, loyal blogger, the more random the more interesting!

pheew! that was alot of work!

Best damn teen movie…EVER

2008-11-21T01:02:00.000+03:00

Recently watched Juno, “the city in Alaska? No, Zeus’s wife who’s supposed to be super beautiful but mean too” and it so touched me! The characters are so real, not the stereotypical portrayal of teens at all! They were so unique, down to their dress code and language, plus they were actual teens, not grown ass actors n actresses tryin to squeeze back into the high school role, which seriously annoys me! Anyway, these guys gave such genuine performances, it truly touched me!
Its about a real issue, teen pregnancy, which I’m all too aware of these days, but in a different light…not overly dramatic but not taken that lightly either. Its cleverly witty, and really reflects the highly developed sense of humor teens got; yes we like poop jokes too! But it also goes way beyond that and is often ignored by adults…
Anyway, I totally recommend everyone watches this, its genius and was written by a blogger, go figure! That’s how u know it’s a real story, it wasn’t done for the money!
Officially at the top of my fave all time teen movies!

Death Of A Legend

2008-11-16T15:18:00.000+03:00

I could not believe it when i heard that a legend of our time, Miriam Makeba had died last week!!!
i regret not trying hard enough to go see her perform recently at the jazz fest here in Uganda, took her life for granted, thinking i'll see her "next time", now i am seriously sorry!
She's one African woman i greatly look up too, a jazz legend and political activist who wasn’t afraid to address issues like the white apartheid regime...

even more shocking is the nature in which she died, apparently she collapsed as she left the stage at a benefit concert in Castel Volturno (Italy) on Sunday and died in a Naples hospital. They say it was a heart attack...Heart attack? it sounds fishy, Miriam Makeba was healthy and well, if she was having some complications she would have noticed, it would have been known and she probably would have taken it easy and wouldn’t have planned the tour...heart attacks don’t happen out of nowhere, usually one feels some pain and has a few cardiac arrests which hint at the likeliness of a heart attack...then there are all theses rumors about someone poisoning her drink due to her provocative lyrics and messages...also when u think death in Italy, you think mafia...

I just don’t know what to think! all i know is that i shall morn this month for the death of "mama africa"!

Long live her music, messages and voice!
Viva Miriam Makeba!

The world at a glance - The world travel 2008

2008-11-16T13:54:00.000+03:00

This was the reason i was in the UK in the first place!
I was at my mums stall, trying to sell her company, thought i did quite well...and if i wasn’t at the stall i was globe hoppin, from Puerto-Rico to Jamaica to Sri-Lanka to Slovenia, it rocked! Got loads of free bee's and contacts, it really feels like i could go anywhere in the world right now! And if wasn’t globe hoppin’ i was attending seminars on the way forward for African tourism, making the most of the web and the students zone. I'm seriously considering a career in travel and tourism...although i won’t make a fortune, it defiantly promises adventure, i mean i can seriously imagine myself in those smart borderline porn star sexy flight attendant suits!
Hahaha, jus playing, but seriously if i was to pursue this career, i would do product design, creating holiday packages and all that-then going on them myself!
lol

Anyway, props to Rwanda and Tanzania, the stalls were bangin’, i really didn’t expect that, made us look bad! LoL

i would seriously recommend you all to try to participate in one of these global tourism fairs, great experience!

The Not-So-Great-Britain

2008-11-16T12:29:00.000+03:00

I'm so glad to be back home! its only after i've spent some time abroad that i really appreciate Africa! We may be one of the poorest continents (according to western standards) but we are so rich in so many ways! we are blessed but just don’t know it, you cant get the perfect climate and easy going nature of the people and lifestyle anywhere in Europe!
well, i didn't completely hate London, i liked how convenient everything was...the transport systems, the vending machines, the Starbucks at strategic positions, the layout of malls and shops. shows you the big difference organization and planed living can make! Also, there is alot of variety, whether its a restaurant meal order (forget the variety of the menu, but the single order can come in so many variations its confusing, i even began to wonder whether what i got was what was described on the menu), to the variety of people one can see in the train, from pierced Goths to dreadlocked blonds...in Africa, they would have really stood out, but there, it was quite a normal thing! I liked that about London...

However, despite it being just autumn, it was freezing! as a tropical girl it was torture! Also, it was irritating how fast everyone walked! I'm used to strolling-even when i'm heading to a class that began 5 minutes ago-lol! Keeping up on the streets of London felt like i was in a walking marathon, but i guess since it's freezing outside, the smart thing to do would be to get wherever your going fast! Strolling and icily grey whether somehow don’t go hand in hand...
Although the sun was out, you couldn’t feel it! Being a tropical girl, it was a form of slow torture...i'm so used to feeling the sun, it really was on odd sensation...not that i've never been to Europe, i have, but not often, and every time i go, i still cant get over that fact!
I also really missed home food! i guess my palette wasn't used to the London taste, and i would probably get used to it and even like it after sometime, but during the past week i sort of lost appetite...the worst part about their food is that it looks so good, but tastes like...like paper! This however doesn’t apply to all western countries, food in Greece was good, and almost everything tasted so good in Manhattan...The only exception perhaps was the British hot chocolate and pizza hut...

I also don’t get why they chose to keep the old cottages and buildings in London...yeah, some are kind of cool, but most, especially in the middle of the city, are just plain ugly!! The British are so obsessed with antiques and holding onto the past...yeah, it mayb expensive to breakdown all the buildings and replace them, but i think its more than that...i think it reminds them of their empirical power, when they truly were Great Britain and had one of the largest colonies and were the most industrialized...well, sorry for the reality check but that time is long passed, now not even the old British work ethic exists amongst the majority of brit's, in fact most jobs are taken by minority groups simply because they work harder and at the end of the day they are the ones who deliver and perform...i guess its Not-So-Great-Britain nowadays! LoL

well, let me quit whining! I had a great week in grey London, despite the evident bite marks of the credit crunch (in just the week we were there thousands of people lost their jobs due to the effects of the world economic crisis) and the freak stories in the news of babies being tortured and black teens stabbing each other to death, despite the cold and tasteless food...it was a great experience, especially in showing me how much i love home and living in Africa!

Gonna b gone for a few days...

2008-11-08T18:42:00.000+03:00

Going to snowy London in a few hours, helping my mum with the family business, she's attending the world tourism market fair this year and she needs assistance, and who better can help her than me? Plus i might as well learn the secrets’ of her trade so i can run it efficiently when its handed down to me.
I always used to see the family business as a burden, forced upon me and blocking me from pursuing my own dreams, now that i'm older i have too many dreams and don’t know which is THE dream, so i'm quite thankful of the family business now because i'll at least have something to fall back on when i'm outta uni untill i get my career together...

Still confused over what exactly i wanna do at uni...

Amywine House Rehab remix...

2008-11-08T07:38:00.000+03:00

They want to take my bro back to rehab, and i said "no, no, no!"
Yes he's been black but now he's come back, this i know, know, know
He aint got the time and i think he's doing just fine ,
They trying to take him back to rehab, i wont let him go go go!

Yay! My baby bro finally out of that place, thank God! he just spent the weekend there, (But i didn’t know that on Saturday when we dropped him off-feel silly now for crying! I think my mum had a change of heart, or maybe she never intended tp keep him there and just wanted to teach him a lesson...i dunno. Mothers work in mysterious ways!

well, ever since he's been back, he been making a few drug references, and i never know how to answer him...dont want to take on the whole "dont do drugs" severe tone, cause he gets that from everyone anyways, i know i should focus on gain, what u can gain from not doing drugs instead of fear, because people are motivated by gain, but how to do so is not as easy as i thought! You have to sound convincing otherwise you just come off sounding corny!...i need to find a new angle to address this issue that’s obviously so on his mind!

what an AMAZING day!!

2008-11-05T20:02:00.000+03:00

Today; On the 5th November 2008, history was made.
"One small step for the Black Man, One giant leap for man kind!"
Obama, a black man, became the next president of the most powerful nation of the world! I admit it was hard to believe at first, i was simply a spectator, and had my doubts whether America was really ready for Change.
The events of today proved me wrong, and what a pleasant surprise it was!

So I've been asked alot toady, what the American elections outcome means to me, after all i am not American, how can i possibly gain much? It’s not so much about him becoming president, but what it symbolizes to me;

Obama showed me that yes, indeed we can! he gave me hope, as a young ambitious African who what’s so desperately to make a difference. He showed me that if he, a black man, an ethnic minority, an African, a Kenyan, a middle working class man, a father of two daughters, a democrat, can become president of the superpower of the west! Then I can too!

Obama showed me that dreams do come true! Around a centaury ago, a black man could not even vote, and it was a dream as Martin Luther King Jr prophesized to see a black man become president. Today, a black man is president! Obama is in this light, a messier! he has fulfilled that dream, proving dreams come true!

Obama himself represents the conciliation of the white race and black (as well as other ethnic minorities), being half black, (Kenyan to be exact-Proudly east African) and half white, he is truly a global president! and to me, a son of Africa, and so much more...

Most overwhelmingly, this gives me hope for my motherland, for Africa the dark continent. it gives me hope that one day, our dream for a peaceful, prosperous, promising Africa will come true one day...after all, Africans were taken from their land to foreign lands where they were used and abused as slaves. and they have struggled and faced hardship, faced oppression and racisms, and today they rule the most powerful country in the world!

The biggest victory for me, was the victory of change! it really showed the power of the people, and i will forever have respect for America for that, despite her problems, the people have power! and always have...eg the Americans revolution against the British, it inspired the French which sparked off the French revolution (one of my most favorite moments in history-ever), similarly, Obama's win will inspire so many of us, and spark revolution in our lives!

what an amazing over whelming moment that was for me when it dawned on that Obama had won!

Now, i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself, i am fully aware that he is simply the face of his party, and hence most of the power lies behind the face of Obama and in the democrat party. Yet i am still very expectant! Obama may just be the president, but at least he is one with character!
I believe he got where he is because of two things:
1. The situation in America - The unpopularity, disappointment and failure of the bush administration and republican party greatly attributed to this! In a way it was more of a vote against Bush for most...
2- he deserved it due to his personal skills, as a an inspirational orator, a natural leader etc
and all this accumulated into his support and victory!

I look forward to the next 4 years, where i hope he proves to the world who great a change we can make!

God bless Obama!
God bless America!
God bless the human race!
God blessed today!

I dont cry...

2008-11-02T09:13:00.000+03:00

...But i did yesterday.
My brother was checked in at Serenity Centre (A rehab for alcoholics and drug users) for 6 bloody months! and he's only 15.
What hurt me most, was leaving him there, at some strange house with strange people locked up, all alone. my heart broke as we were led out the door and they locked up, looking back through the bars at my baby brother standing alone, half concealed by shadows, watching us leave him...
Honestly, I didnt think it was necessary for us to check him in! He's gonna miss sitting his exams and will have to re-do the whole year, everyone is now gonna put this lable on him, a junkie, a drug addict and he wont ever be treated the same by our family, friends, school...if life was hard for him before, it will be harder for him now. And it was just weed, everyone hgoes through that stage, was it really such a big deal...i honestly dont know...
My mum thinks so. she couldnt handle it, she works too hard to maintain a good enough life for us, too hard she hardly has time to parent us, but its okay, cause we're older now, and she needs us to grow up fast. i dont blame her, even if people say she's responsible for our upbringing. shes done the best she can, and when she broke down in the car in front of us (The only time i've seen her cry like that was when my father died), i knew it was too much for her to deal with right now. she couldnt bring him home...

maybe i should start from the beginning.
yesterday, my brother went missing, actually, before that, he had told me he was going to a friends house to ask about a skateboard ramp (we had made and was being fixed up) since it was near by, i let him go. I know for a fact its a 5 to 10 minute walk at max for a fact, so i called him up around 30 minutes later and he had apparently just reached...fishy. i thought to myself, and asked his friend if he looked like he had been smoking, he said no...later on in the day, i had gone to meet my boyfriend, but had left my bro at a cousins house...a few minutes later my mum calls and she's asking where he is, because hes not at my cousins house or home and his phone is off. so we go looking for him, we go to all the possible places he could be, his friends house, internet cafes, home etc, and no one has seen him, so my mum keeps driving around...some guy says he's seen him on the road a few minutes ago, we keep driving back and forth till i spot him with a dazed expression on his face, and my mum pulls up the car.

he had been smoking weed, and first told us some bullshit stories untill he finally gave up the act, because we both knew. at first my mum was angry as hell, went to the police, she wanted to have whoever had done this to her son arrested! thing is, they couldnt do much because its not like its one person responsible, its a whole network, furthermore the felt that it wasnt them to blame but my brother, and my um too. they were rough with her, but she realized its not them, but him who had the problem, so she took him for detox and after a chat with center manager she decided to leave him there and chek him in...
it all happend so fast, all in one day, it was so much to take in. so much to deal with so i cryed.
i dont know why, but it did make me feel better.

pillow texts

2008-11-01T00:20:00.000+03:00

I was gonna title this post pillow talk but we weren’t talking, we were texting, lol, the concept stays the same regardless!
been long since i had a good txt chat, like back in my early high school days, when i just got my phone and started noticing the different ways girls talk to boys...
Anyways, it was a not-so-random pleasant surprise! The dude who sits behind me in the bus had asked for my number and i saw no harm in it. i didn’t ask for his because i knew he would text me...he waited a day before actually texted which is so typical! and the conversation followed line, like he did everything from the book! I admit however cheesy it might have got, i kind of enjoyed it! Got me blushing like a twelve year old girl with a crush! Maybe i'm lacking romance in my life! The love is there, but as a romantist, (I got that from my grandmother), love is so bare without the lavish embroidered gown of romance!
well, it was just some innocent flirting, nothing more, just pillow talk...i mean pillow texts
LoL

a good friday

2008-11-01T00:01:00.000+03:00

How often is the last day of the month a friday?! Gosh, it feels good!
hence i dub today as Good Friday!
LMAO
(I'm just in one of those moods!)

I told my brother to go kill himslef

2008-10-28T08:45:00.000+03:00

Its been a really emotional weekend for me, but the peak of all the isht on my mind was the discovery that my brother, my younger brother, is back to the senseless habit of smoking!
It was like slap in the face that sent my glasses hurtling to the ground, smashing the view that he was okay, and he was getting through everyday life without having to use any self destructive substance. I guess i was being naively optimistic. Addiction is not that simple to get over. I had assured my self that if i can get over weed, so could he, and since weed is classified as a soft drug, which does not cause physical addiction but rather psychological addiction, it shouldn't be that hard for him to get off it. well, he has, but replaced it with cigarettes, classified as a harder drug. He's just taken a step forward and two steps back. But what angers me most is all for what?!
He says he likes the high, the excitement, but i tell him he can get much more lasting joy from other sober things in life! I think he's looking for peace, trying to fll up empty spaces in his life, which he calls boredom, he's trying to escape himself, is life, instead of being a man and facing it. Resolving those issues. He's a smart guy, after all, he knew the right things to say to us to give us the impression he's getting better. He knows the dangers and scary facts about what smoking does to you, and i dont even want to focus on that! I've instead tried to show him how much he can have, how much he can gain living a sober life...but still he continues in this senseless hedonistic behavior.
I just want to know Why? Why he's chosen to smoke yet he knows why he shouldnt.
It saddens me that my own brother is part of the alarming phenomenon of "Mentacide" , Black Sucide, The self destructive senseless behavior noticeable in most Black males aged 16-30, or as one of my favorite black psychologist Bobby.E.Wright phrased it; "deliberate and systematic destruction of a group's minds with the ultimate objective being the extirpation of the group" . I don't want my brother to fall into that category, and if thats what he has chosen, then he'd rather kill himself quickly, rather than kill him self slowly which would just prolong he's deterioration as his body and mind will die slowly, and prolong our pain of helplessly watching him kill him0self slowly. I'd rather he just get it over and done with, we mourn, and get over it, rather than be forced to live with it. I Obviously don't want to loose him, i don't want him to die, but i cant make that choice for him, and if thats what he has chosen, so be it, but he shouldn't make us suffer more than we deserve.

Hopefully it shall shock him into his senses rather than act as a catalyst to his suicide. I Know his smarter than that, I know he doesn't want to die.

my best friend just had her baby!!

2008-10-28T08:18:00.000+03:00

Although i was feelin horrible last Sunday, like all the life was slowly seeping through me, one of my close friends was in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to new life...on Sunday 26th October 2008, at around 3-4pm, Francesca was born, 38weeks early!
I was sooo excited, feeling like an aunty, all grown up, at that stage where your friends are having kids...but in actual fact, she's just 17 so she should be the one feeling grown up...too fast...
But this child has proven time and time again, it wants to be born! I honestly had my doubts, because of alot of complications on her mothers part, but although she’s pre mature, she's a fighter, she was in the incubator for only 2 days! She's a strong baby girl, just like her mother, she's a fighter...Gosh, i can already imagine me telling her these stories when she's older. The only thing that saddens me is that i wont be around on her first birthday! I'll be in some cold European country tryin to develop my intellect!
But i wish her, Francesca and that asshole who is her father (gotta give him a lil' respect i suppose) all the best, all my blessing, all my love.

The birth of a baby, whether premature or overdue or unexpected or planned for, is always such a beautiful thing. I dedicate this poem to her, (Its not mine, but a AfricanHipHop.com family member, and friend, who wrote it, and i think it fits this occasion so well)

STARS

And as you grew inside my womb
New galaxies were born
The sun came to kiss the moon
Roses blossomed on bloody thorns
Angels thanked the heavens
For blessing this earth with you

I stared and cried and smiled
For I understood that now we
Have been blessed too…

Copyright 2008 Poetic Seraph

the biggest question after "Is there a God?"

2008-10-25T20:01:00.002+03:00

Is it possible to love two people?
poligamists would say yes, but i always thought that was a sort of status thing, the more women, the bigger the man, plus there is usuly the first wife or head wife, who is held a little higher than the others which shows that perhaps they are loved more than the others.
Is it possible to love two people equaly?
A child would say yes, its impossible at times to pick the one parent a child loves more, but thats a different kind of love. I'm talking about romantic love.It bugs me how the english language has so many synonyms for one word, but just one word is used to describe a multitude of emotions! you can love a 10 different children, but can you love 10 different lovers? There are different kinds of love, and it seems with those come different limits of how many people you can love. otherwise its called cheating!
who made up these rules anyway?! In the end isn't it all love?
These questions lead me to the timless question of what love really is?... especially romantic love...

High School Drama

2008-10-15T13:26:00.000+03:00

Thought these mellow-dramatic high school days where over, with the gossip and rumours and ego clashes...being in my final year of high school, i thought such things would be slowly fizzling out of my everyday life into fuzzy still frame memories of high school. And what gets me most is that it aint even happening in school, but in my social life out of school. Damn! Guess you cant escape high school drama whatever stage in life your in...

Anyway some punk been spreading a rumour that I fcuk'd him "4 times" , and he been telling all my boyfriends friends!! well there is some truth to that, i did have a crazy night with him but that was before i started going out with my boyfi and it didnt involve any sex of any kind!!! plus my boyfriend already knows that. But what hurt most was that although he's an a$$hole, i tryed to be nice to him, never insulted or blew him off, i was real civil to him…but I guess a$$holes like him consider kindness as a weakness. When I talked to him he didn’t even admit it was him but started blaming others, anyways at this point I didn’t care, I just wanted him to stop, so I told him I don’t hate him or want beef, but I got nothing to say to him and don’t want this thing to blow up, he agreed and said we were cool.

Then he called my boyfriend and left a threatening message.

That’s when I knew it was more than just about me. I saw they had some ego-centric kind of score to settle, and I was just the excuse. A “Helen of Troy” of sorts. They defiantly have some bad history between them even before I got into the picture! So I’ve decided to handle it quietly, get my self out of it and move on, after all, its not true and it don’t phase me, so like the sexy Collie Buddz so passionately sings “I’m blind to you haters!”

Vist form a long lost friend

2008-10-09T18:20:00.000+03:00

I'm amazed almost everyday how this "law of attraction" actually works! I've been thinkin about this friend of mine for sometime, me and another friend were even planning to "stage an intervention" and go rescue her or something, then yesterday, I got several people asking about her, and so naturally, I go home with her still on my mind...then once I get home, just chilling listening to music, I get an anonymous text and surprise surprise, its Sam!! Apparently he had just got herself a new sim card and she texted me immediately it was activated! Coincidence or the law of attraction?

Anyway, It was a pleasant surprise! We hooked up at a friends house. Glad to know firstly, that she's alive-for real, I hadn't heard from her in around two months! Also to know she's okay, not great but okay...which is good! LoL

I really didn’t want her to go back, for her sake, but she had some valid points. You just cant "walk out" of an abusive relationship like that and expect there to be no shock waves...still, I think she shouldn’t have gone back, and the rest would fall into place, but yet again, there’s a lot I don't know about their relationship, she would probably know better...

As short lived our meeting may have been, it brought great relief and hope.

I don’t usually pray, but when I do feel humbled enough to get down on bent knee, she'll be in my prayers, because that’s what you do when a situation is out of your control and you desperately want to make a difference...you pray.

So I will pray for dear Sam.

Technology is a bitch!!

2008-10-07T08:32:00.000+03:00

Irresistible, with its slick metallic colours, strong framework with flirtatious curves, its modernity never fails to impress, its effectiveness is hard to ignore, once you start to use it you cant live without it...
Forget pets! Technology is mans best friend...and its when you've become so dependent on it, like your phone might as well be attached to your hand as a 6th (multifuntional) finger, is when it fails you!! Almost like it had planed to freeze up or black out when you needed it most! ...but i cant help but keep coming back for more, its got me entangled in its wires, i'm right in the middle of its keypad ...technology is a bitch, buh we all know that i'm technology's bitch!

Semi Bi-polar

2008-09-25T07:45:00.000+03:00

Mr.B was telling the class yesterday about some research he carried out while in university about Bi Polar people, and the more he talked about it, the more i noticed that we all bi-polar in a way...He stressed that the biggest difference between normal people and those who are bi polar is that they ask for normal demands but react in exaggerated ways, but how many of us fit that category!!
Just yesterday my younger brother totally freaked out about a roach that crawled in through his window, he screamed at me to go get the insecticide and i did, in about 2 minutes, and he was shouting at what took me so long, he then excessively sprayed it, and smashed it with his shoe over and over, then sprayed his whole room....Was that exaggerated?? It could apparently be seen as a bi-polar reaction, but honestly, i would have done the same thing!!

The line between sanity and insanity is very slight, and we often take little trips across the boarder once in a while...

contemplative on the nearing prospect of university

2008-09-20T23:03:00.000+03:00

Went for my school awards evening yesterday, and thank god i dint just win a merit award b'cuz i would have gone home depressed! LoL, I got an award for Psychology, promoting psychology in action, and best A/AS level results (A,A,B,B) ! Now that was amazing, i had no idea people failed that bad! LoL, guess i'm good at what i do!
Anyways, with the joyous contentment of achievement, also came the doughting uncertainty of the prospect of University...It was a bitter sweet night for me.
My award in psychology didnt suprise me, i knew even before they read out my name, because i love it, it is my favourite subject...almost like a calling. I would actually love to do it in university, a course in applied psychology with politics or something, but what would i do with that degree? Especially if i come back to live in East Africa. It seems like a dead end. Infact almost all my possible university choices seem like dead ends if i come back to live and work here. so maybe the question boils down to whether i really want to come back to live here, back to the mother land...
Deep down i know i have to, whether i want to or not. The truth is no other country, especialy European, really want us. All their policies on immigration etc all seem to be focused around deterring Africans from living there in the long run. plus i dont see why i have to run to the white man's land to look for my destiny, for a better way of life, cause that would mean that they've won...I feel obliged to live in Africa, and take part in its struggle from the bondage of the white man ( I believe Africa is big enough to sustain its self if we all work together, we dont need help from the white man, they've helped enough...helped themselves that is-but thats another story for another day)...despite this sense of burning duty, i feel i'm helpless, plus i gotta break free from my personal bondage first before i can help free Africa from hers. I want my University experience to be one of self discovery, of enlightenment...but i also want it to equip me with skills i can use practicaly in the real world, skills that will help me use the best of my resources, make money, gain status and security, i want to be affluent. I want to come out of Uni and create employment, not look for a job, and generate money fast. My problem is that these tend to clash. I dont know what course can fit all these requirements, so i have to pick one and compromise the other. Im in a dilemma, at the cross roads of my life and dont want to mess up by picking the wrong course and take the long route to reach my self actualisation/ fullest potential/ purpose in life/ what ever you would call it!
I need advise.
And not the "what-you-would-do-if-you were-in-my-position" advise, b'cuz your not me! I'm not you! plus that advise tends to be selfish...people always trying to live through you, and tell you to do law or whatever just cause you can and they never got the chance to, so they feel like they can live their dreams through you. I want the "best-possible-option-for-me-in-my-current position" advise, considering all of the above...Is that too much to ask for? i know we all human and selfish by nature, but i need some wise insightful advise desperately. I need a holy intervention!

Poetry Thread; "Catch the wind"

2008-09-20T15:23:00.000+03:00

I usually post my poetry on africanhiphop.com , under the poetry/spoken word section, but seeing as i now have a net space i can call my own, might aswell post it on here too, please feel free to post comments.
Bless

well, here's my first:

Catch The Wind

The wind blows change.
Changes shape,
path,
and flow,
but cant change what we feel,
dont have to see it to know,
that these feelings are real.
Cant know where its going
even if the wind gauge pointed so,
so dont try to chase a feeling
beacause you cant catch the wind.

Bloody Relief!

2008-09-15T18:08:00.000+03:00

Never been so happy at the sight of menstrual blood!
Although it means that another egg never got to hatch life, its the clensing of my womb, the relief of a woman’s burden as the carrier of life...at lest just for a little while…I wasn’t ready for that anyway!
Tab once told me she’s setting up a lil business project where girls could go check if they were pregnant without going to the hospital and causing alarm with the family doctor and possibly the family…I always thought it was stupid for girls to stress about whether they were pregnant, b’cuz it was easy to prevent that worry, USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME, or just don’t have sex! But the older I got, the more real these kind of worries became to me…I realised it really isn’t easy to do it, as it is to say it. Lust can be so intoxicating, especially if its mingled with love. You keep muttering under your breath that you cant do it, you cant without a condom, yet all the while you letting him undress you, you letting him kiss you, worse still you the first to mount him!! The mind and the body are truly two different entities!