Verbal constipation...brace yourself!

My mental pathways have been clogged with thoughts, emotions, memories, half digested experiences, a little bit of THC and alcohol for a while now. It’s starting to ache, and as painfully awkward as it may be blogging again, it needs to be done.

So excuse me as I bang and scratch at the cubical walls of my blog, pant, rant, moan and groan, I really need to take a dump, off my mind, and let it swirl on the page half submerged so I can look at it. Smell my own shit, acknowledge it, detox and move on.

That’s what blogs are for after all. Your own personal cubical where you can scratch things into the wall and fill it with your shit, just more hygienic…but as therapeutic as taking a daily dump.

P.S. We all go through that crude phase when poop never ceases to amuse, don't act like you don't know what i'm on about. Enjoying good poop jokes n metaphors requires an rare sense of humor, one that is imaginatively comic yet twisted. I don’t blame if most of you are slightly cringing right now...Last time I checked I was the youngest blogger here, at least in this part of the blogsville, so let the child play damn it. ^_^

PART ONE: THE FART…a long and whiny one at that…

Although I’ve retaind my highschool poop jokes, I’m all grown up. Well, in the process. Just finished my first semester, it wasn’t as hard as I thought but the work load was crazy! I thought the whole point I decided to step back and do a foundation year was to buy time to chill out, especially since I didn’t get my gap year and my senior break that’s supposed to be at least half a year was cut short! Its ironic now that since I’m starting my degree for real now next year in mid February, my foundation class is signed up for an exchange program to go finish sem2 in the UK! WTF! Now I feel like blowing off my degree just to go party, ahem study ahem, in the UK with friends for a month! But when weighed against finishing school quickly and having a month of fun in the UK, I would chose finishing school quickly! Having a taste of living on my own on my own turns with my own atm card and shit has given me more motivation to start my own life and cut my parental strings completely!

They say the freedom was better than breathing. They were right. Its…exhilarating, even when your broke and stuck at home, the fact that I’m free to roam, just pick up and walk out, or bring in whoever I please is exhilarating! Still I’m not yet completely free…the bars have been lifted but I’m still shackled to my mother, and of recent after the skype incident, shes made her chain awfully short.

Most parents are meant to wash their hands of their children when they turn eighteen and move away for university. Not mine. I still go through that afterschool conversation. “How was school. Fine. Anything new? No. Have you finished your homework?. Yes. Good.” Just this time its not over the dining table (Ha more like dinner on the couch infront of the TV as she sits at the table) and she doesn’t becon me to her room to talk, but instead calls every single fucking day! Everyday, I still have nothing new to say…even if I did, I wouldn’t tell her. I wish I could, but I’ve tried and it upset her, so I just tell her what she wants to hear, keep her blood pressure regular. I’m still operating undercover, just that since I’m over seas, its less extreme, but I’m not free from the fascist dictatorship yet.

Infact her Excellency is planning a months vist here. A MONTH! Couldn’t have picked a worse time, especially with Christmas and new years, instead of having crazy fun for once on new years, I shall most likely be in bed at home, because my mother will be around and disapproves of seasonal jolly making, especially when it involved boys and intoxicants. I could scream! Well, in order not to lose my mind, I’ve devised a plan to take her touring around Malaysia. Perhaps the change of scenery will help fight off the sinking depression of having my mother and celibate “you-know-you-can-get-cancer-from-that” aunty here for Christmas. AND new years.

After that, infact the day they leave I’ll pack up and go on a road trip, go live at a surfer town, was thinking particularly of desaru, I hear they have amazing coast line. Since when did I surf? Well apparently I coast (on a skateboard) like a surfer, someone recommended I try it out, I may be a natural. ;-) plus I LOVE ocean. When I get back, plan to be off for even more coastline when my friends get back and go to the infamous party island of langkawi where alcohol is cheaper than water. Can u sense the big grin creeping up my face just thinking about that? It still sucks that my holiday will but cut a month short. (The time my mother is here does not count as holiday). Note to all potential or young parents who may just happen to be browsing through, leave your kids the fuck alone when they go to university, okay?!?

sheeesh!

following my dreams...or just dreaming?

Finally started Uni this week. A month late. My class is dope though, most of the assignments are fun, like taking photos of real life objects that look like letters and making the alphabet in these series of photos (Typography class) but alot of work, like 40 drawings on human anatomy, 20 in pencil, 20 in colour pencil (Illustration class). I’m not complaining though, I mean I don’t have any textbooks or anything!!

Although it has taken a toll on my hours of sleep and blogging time…

I’m doing professional design (visual communication) if your wondering. What for? So I could become an art director or something cool like that. maybe I’ll take King on his offer if it still stands…

Most of my family still doesn’t get why I’m doing this course. Everybody would be much more at peace if I was doing law or some other traditional course like that. Its an age old question though, whether creativity and art is really worth it, or if its just for those who cant do real things like ‘science’.
Psh.
Well this short video explains what I was going to say in writing, in form of an experiment. (Scientists know all about experimentation)…lol.
I saved you the long read, so the least you could do is check this out...



"rad to the power of sick!!" LoL...cool. all shot on a phone camera btw...

* * *

Theres no other feeling in the world as satisfying and worthwhile (at least to me) as creation.
Giving life to something...from text.....to dreams... (babies too-lol)

Trying to make a career out of that.

Following my dreams...or just dreaming???

only if i could just show you instead of tell you...

I’ve been in transit for the past week, so haven’t had time to blog, or write or do much apart from eat sleep and shuffle about…even if I had the chance to steal a few minutes of my cyber time, I wouldn’t know where to start, what to mention and what to leave out…I tried, but after typing out a decent sized paragraph I would backspace it all…perhaps if I had another medium other than writing…

If I could film the past few days and add a video post onto this blog I would post one of those first person view scenes (but my torso, legs, arms and hands on this laptop would still be included in the shot, okay unless I was eating or something, but it would still remain in the shot somehow…after all, it is portable…lol) and this would remain constant, like a frame, but everything else would be moving and happening in fast forward and the backdrop ever-changing but less fluid than the foreground, more like stop motion…

It would go from my unusually empty bedroom in Uganda in the begging of the scene, semi packed luggage spewed on the floor and it’d be raining outside (it really was when I left). I would start typing something then get interrupted by background sound of the car to the airport hooting and my mum shouting about missing the fight…

Fast-forward through the journey in-between, a kaleidoscope of airport scenes from the lake fly infested Ugandan one to the dazzling lights and aerotrain (in the freaking airport) in Malaysia, not forgetting the 2 day stopover in U.A.E, the road trip and changing colour of sand between Duabi and Al Ain… till it slows down to this very moment:

Seated in the living room of my semi furnished messy apartment, stack of cardboard boxes of DIY furniture and kitchen appliances in the back, 2pm, Malaysia, raining outside. (it really did, and it felt sort of eerie because the last time it rained I was at home in Uganda, now I’m at my new home, in Malaysia…felt somehow significant…)


(Note to self: I really should get a camcorder…)




P.S. Cant believe I almost forgot to mention, I live in a place called Cyberjaya (its like a student town, with a suburbia-like feel…shall blog about it later), and the apartment estate I live in is called Cyber Heights…seriously…CYBER HEIGHTS …*Delighted LoL*…can’t get enough of saying that!






Cyber Heights…

O(^_^)o

Open-Mindedness

And now a chaser of logic for my previous double shots of religion/spirituality....

Salvation (part 2)

One of my life mottos has been that I will try anything, at least once. This has consequently made my bucket list pretty damn long! But it has also provided me with opportunities to experience so many things that have undoubtedly scared as well as enlightened me.

I’m only 18. I’m not claiming to have ‘been there, done that, got the slovenlier T-shirt’, but the few years I’ve been alive have definitely been interesting…

Sticking to the motto, I thought I would give getting saved a try. I know most peoples reaction to ‘getting saved’ is a cringe they often (unsuccessfully) try to conceal. I was like that too, because we’ve all heard the stories of crazy jesus freaks and saved fanatics who went over the edge of sanity, we’ve heard of the pedophilic pastors molesting young boys, we’ve heard of the corruption and misuse of the church money, we’ve heard of (seen and know) the hypocrites who live sinful lives but still attend church every Sunday as well as those who are condemning and ‘holier than thou’ …its enough to make one lose faith in the church, Christianity, God even!
But I’ve tried drugs and other things often shunned upon by society, so getting saved wouldn’t be much different, considering what I’ve tried in the past!

Plus if religion is the opium of the masses, and reality is grim and stained, I would quite frankly prefer to be high and deluded off religion than sober and somber !!

There is a reason religion is likened to a drug. And I’m not just meaning Christianity. There’s just something so uplifting, peaceful, inspiring and mind blowing about it. I believe being high is a beautiful thing. So far, there are two ways I know how to get into this blissful slice of hevean. The first is drugs. The second is a spiritual relationship with God (who ever he is to you, to me the Christian God).

The only reason it would be more advisable to choose the latter not the first is: Drugs may take you to that level, but it doesn’t last, and the more you use, the father away you get from it…you start to having ‘bad trips’, and the biological/physiological/psychological/social side effects start to kick in, then it becomes hell! It’s all fake and illusion…But with God, it’s real, and can last forever. Although it does have its side effects too, just look up II timothy ch1 vs 8, II Corinthians ch1 vs 6, Romans Ch8 Vs 18 ( where did I get all this? The brilliant concordance at the back of the amplified bible, its like a mini biblical exycolpedia which refers you to relevant parts in the bible. I recommend it!)

I’m yet to reach a constant high in Christ…will let you know and compare if my hypothesis is right. (^_^) LoL

The whole experience of getting saved was pretty cool. Although it was at first a half conscience decision. LoL, actually what happened was that they told us to close our eyes and bow our heads…then raise your hand if your not saved. Being the smartass I was I didn’t, knowing that they were gonna call em up to get saved…then they asked those who had lost faith and basicly thought church was full of bull…I did…then they told us to stand up and come to the front. I thought about just seating my ass back down but since by now everyone was looking, I thought I would just go. I’ve never gone up to the front of the church (I have a permanent seat at the back row) so I thought it couldn’t get so bad. So I went.

Closed my eyes the whole time, because it would have been scarier to have them open. My heart was pounding and as I was listening to what was going on, a rise of mummers began to build. Everyone was I guess saying their own prayer to god (for us?) …no music or instruments, just voices…some dude was saying incoherent things near the front (tongues?)…the someone came to me, held my hands and prayed over me. He told me to focus only on his words…it all reached a passionate climax then slowly faded, the voices, the prayer…It felt pretty awesome. The only way I can describe it is as ‘an energy’. Like at a concert, just as the performer comes on stage…that build up mummer of voices…excitement…everyone’s attention and focus on one thing…a collective energy.

It was the first time I had ever felt something at church (apart from drooping eye lids, sleep induced from utter boredom and irritation at sitting for long hours in a crowded place – the reason I don’t go to church on big holidays like Christmas or Easter).
For the first time I felt something . The presence of God? My first dose (more like taste) of a spiritual high? Salvation?

I think I’m on to something…do u??

Salvation (Part one)

It all started the day my notorious younger brother was caught sneaking back into the house, bloodshot eyes and sheepish grin, in the middle of the fuckin day!

The sheriff gave him an option at the show down, either they were to deal with this the easy way or hard way…luckily he wasn’t too doped up to decide to go down the hard way, and turned himself in. Hes sentence: regular attendance to church fellowships, and I was appointed the probation officer who had to make sure he actually attended these fellowships.

At times I didn’t know who the felony was, me or him? Because we both ended up having to attend church fellowships. No excuses…but I guess it was better than him being locked up, so I’m not complaining. But I was pretty pissed off having to sacrifice my Tuesday and Thursday evenings just to keep an eye on him. After all I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be serving the punishment!

You know how they say that good things can come out of bad things/situations sometimes. Well, I guess it applies to this particular situation, because it ended up being me who found salvation!!

The more I went for these fellowships, the more I started to gain out of them. Somethings they said really did strike me, and got me thinking about this whole religion thing. Hell, I felt like I was on to something , I even ended up inviting them! (yeah, maybe God can help clarify how to sort out my little love triangle mess) anyways, the more I attended, and listened and participated, the more I started asking myself whether I was missing out on something…

Currently I did feel like I was missing something. The prospect of going out and alcohol getting high and partying had started to pale…maybe my mum’s strict house rules and policy towards night life is starting to get to me…maybe its because every time I used to sneak out, and despite how long I would stay out, it just wasn’t ever really that much fun! (I mean if you take away the intoxication and hype…is whats left really fun?)…maybe its because the high never lasted, never is as sweet as it was, and left you with an empty douche bag feeling along with a throbbing head and nauseous feeling the next morning? Maybe I’ve gotten over the demand characteristics peer pressure and the media evoke in teens? Somehow that shit just doesn’t do it for me. Yesterday a friend was inviting me for a drink up at her crib (parents were out) and it was so possible for me to go, but I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home.

That’s not saying I now prefer to spend my weekend nights at home, in fact sometimes I would much rather be out having good old senseless, possibly-harmful, underage sinful fun! Its just easier to chose that. That’s just the way it is in the 21 century. And I’ve just been feeling like I have a choice between plain old nothing and nothing (which seems like something), and I’m tired of that…

I’m seeking something more…a new high perhaps? (LSD-lol?!)…GoD?? Maybe I need a new puppy!?

Theres one particular sermon someone was giving, about the power of belief. He asked us what would have happened if Jesus had jumped (that time the devil led him to the cliff and challenged him to jump, after all he was God’s son and there would have been angles to catch him). I had never thought of the significance of his not jumping. If he had…he would have fallen, and died. Son of God would have committed suicide and died a poor foolish man. No doubt. Its just like how whenever we call god out asking him to prove himself:

“GoD! Throw a thunderbolt or something, I dare you! Give me a sign you exist….*Nothing*….yeah, that’s what I thought!!”

(You know those moments!) nothing ever does happen. Why? Because God doesn’t need to prove himself to us mere mortals! He used to, back in the day, but even then, when people could see, hear, feel God, they still never got it, we would still doubt him, and still preferred to turn to man made idols. We still don’t get it even today!

How can something prove itself if you doubt it even exists? Doubt is powerful, its mentally crippling! If you don’t believe you can do something, chances are that you wont! Even if you can, and are capable of something, if you don’t believe you can, you wont! Its exactly the same way with God. If you doubt him, doubt his existence, doubt his power, he definitely wont be able to be present in your life, if you don’t let him. How do you expect to welcome someone into your house if you keep the door shut and locked? Then you sulk and claim that you have no friends, and no one ever comes to visit! LoL!

It all comes down to belief. Faith is the most stressed and emphasized thing in Christianity because faith is belief without doubt. Even the smallest bit of doubt can put great limitations on yourself…and God. And the devil knows this all too well....

He’s been using this since the beginning of time! The snake in the garden of Eden planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind…she began to question God. God had told Adam that he would provide all they ever needed, everything in the garden was theirs, they just had to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Apparently Eve wasn’t yet created when he told this to Adam. So she began to question if he even ever said it at all…she began to question whether they did really have it all, what God was keeping from them…suddenly the forbidden fruit which she had never even taken much notice of started to look tempting. See the power of doubt? It can change the way you look at things, turn your whole world upside down! And as Eve fell for the temptation and let the doubt get the best of her, so have many other people in the bible, even Jesus the son of God had to face the same temptation and doubt, we do so too, quite a lot these days!

The devil still uses the same old tricks, and we to often still fall for them!

This particular sermon really got me thinking (as you can obliviously see- scroll up). If all it takes is blind faith, all I have to do is believe it without a shimmer of doubt, and all of the things of the kingdom of God, eternal peace and enlightenment shall be at my finger tips…I thought why not!?

Its not like I’ve got anything of much worth going for me here on earth. I thought, if he is willing to take me as I am, the habitual sinner, indecisive, selfish, gullible little girl that I am, forgive me, love me unconditionally, bless me and let me grow, bloom, and flower…why shouldn’t I let him. Let go and Let God. Why not?...sound pretty fuckin’ awesome to me!!!

So...

Its been a while.

So instead of doing one of those looong catching up posts I’ll just break it down, for you, but mainly for me, because I cant be bothered to type it all out. Infact, most of what I want to say isn’t even in coherent paragraph essay form, so I’ll just compile various thoughts, flashbacks and facebook statuses. :-P

I’ve never liked nickeback, it borderlines corny country too much and most of their songs all sound the same, but heard a particular song I actually liked, it went something like “I like you best with your pants round your feet…dirt on your knees”…? Anyone know what it’s called?


I think we have the oldest multichoice decoder ever, you remember the first bulky black ones? No wonder why it keeps hanging if you change the channels too fast!


Exam Results come out 20th August…*biting fingernails*


We have a mouse in the house!! (I say mouse, not rat cause its small n very fast, but could be a baby rat, but haven’t yet gotten close enough to it to confirm) it chewed the PS2 cable, luckily it still works but if you make the slightest movement (difficult not to when you’re playing PS2!), it blacks out!...so annoying!


I got saved. (clap for me!!) lol. Seriously, it was quite an experience, one that deserves a blog post of its own…watch this space.


Decided to pick up music again, got myself a good old Yamaha acoustic, (which I’m yet to pimp out), and thought I would expand my limited C/G/F/D chord knowledge, so signed up to some lessons at Kampala music school (Place hasn’t changed at all from close to 14/15 years ago when I used to be forced to go for piano lessons as a kid, like all ‘good-little-suburbian-girls’ it was so nostalgic!) was praying to get a cool teacher, instead got an eccentric dude who apparently is the head of a church choir yet cant sing to save his life! LoL at least he’s not boring!


I need a GOOD CD burner that can convert music 2 mp3, is user friendly, with flexible playlists, reliable and fast!...is that too much 2 ask 4?!


There was a random puppy hanging around our gate few days ago. So we let it in, it was so thin, and wouldn’t eat…we washed it, called the vet who gave it some shots, prayed over it, and let it fall asleep on our porch. Next morning, checked up on it immediately I got out of bed, it was dead. I only new it for a day, but omg, can never get used to the sight of dead dogs. Especially puppies. Another dead dog addition to the back yard. Though it got me thinking…partly inspired this.


Dedicated to J***** - “…Who gave you permission to rearrange me? Certainly not me! Who told you it was alright to love me? Certainly not me! I was not looking for a love affair…” Certainly -Erykah badu. Like seriously dude?! WTF?!


Oh btw, not telling the people close to me (whom do not read this blog) that I’ve picked up guitar…not even my boyfy, decided to keep it a closet habit until I get good…probably for the next month…trying to avoid those awkward "Play-for-me" moments


Now I truely believe that corruption in this country has become institutionalized!!! its a shame theres no other way to get things done other than slipping some money under the counter!


Recently I’ve had the urge to go camping! Turns out my youth fellowship I now religiously attend is organizing one, only problem is that I don’t really know people there, which I don’t mind, but I doubt any of the other girls are willing to really rough it and spend the night in a tent with me…but figured that since this opportunity just randomly came up, I shall also randomly find a girl to spend the night with (in a tent I mean!)


Whatever happened to Johnny Knoxville? And the whole jackass crew for that matter? After that dude died, I mean?... Saw some clip of Stevo totally trashed on some talk show…funny but not cool..who shows up for an interview talk show wasted? ! seriously! And did Bam Magera finally get married? Gosh I miss those shows!


Remember how I was praising Ngozi Okonjo Iwela for taking Nigeria (which was the first African country) out of debt? Well, I recently heard their current financial minister announce they were back in the red zone. Damn. One step forward, two steps back!


My uncle gets out of rehab this week. He was supposed to be released on Thursday but they don’t release people on the weekends because they end up binging and and returning the following Monday for another 6 months! Eish!


Situation is a bitch. Unfair how kids younger than my young brother are allowed to go out yet I, the “technically adult”, has a curfew of midnight, and that’s on good nights, most times I’m expected to keep my ass at home! Why?!


Now would be a good time to be abducted by aliens. If you’re out there, I’m ready. Seriously.


My GCSE (O’Level) and AS level certificates got fucked up. And Cambridge doesn’t send copies of the original. I had never realized how much importance we put to damn pieces of paper. This has seriously made university applications that much more difficult! …anyone know of a person or place with good graphic skills who can help reconstruct my certificates, so at least I have ”photocopies” of the originals…(have them scanned but they need some work)…HELP?!


Finished Jny23’s painting today...next? ;-)


Saw my neighbor pull off some hardcore twisted upside down yoga positions today…damn, felt like I was the one going through the workout just watching him! (topless-heehee!)


Casual sex…hmmm. I feel like I’m not getting the whole story behind this ‘phenomena’. There must be strings attached that no one ever mentions…

I guess it sort of ended up being a long-ish post!

ah well...

The "P" word / From Poetry to Politics...

Ushered at Justice Ogoola’s launch of his poetry anthology this past Friday (had nothing better to do, naturally) and couldn’t help noticing that the higher the status of the person(guest) the ruder and uncivilized they were! I found it embarrassing how a Judge or member of parliament can complain about standing in a queue to register before being escorted to their seats, exclaiming that they “weren’t used to such order”, WTF?! What do they do in parliament or court here? Scrabble for seats? LoL! And these are ment to be the "well traveled, intellectual, learned and cultured" group of Ugandans!

I have a lot of faith in politics, I believe and often quote the saying that everything (well most things) is political, and I’ve noticed that in Africa ,to bring about great change, one has to get involved in politics at one point or another, whether they like it or not. Also I believe there is a “great politician” in most of the greatest people in the world…but politicians like ours shoot down my whole concept of Politics! (I don’t blame President Obama for choosing west Africa, Ghana for his first visit to Africa over East Africa, Kenya!)

Although there is no academic consensus on the exact definition of "Politics", to me Politics is (or should be) the best method of collecting, organizing, using and governing a country’s resources (inclusive of manpower, natural resources etc) for the betterment of the people of that nation. Unfortunately, people have taken politics to be more of the the skill of gaining and maintaining power, which I personally feel beats the whole point of it. Power comes with leadership, which is merely a means of bettering the nation. Ideally, politics should be Righteous not Sleezy!
Yet again, so should being a religious leaders, yet these days when you think priest you think homosexual pedophilic molester! …damn, the world really is coming to an end!

A while ago I had wanted to do law, and get into the work of governance of my nation. Then I grew a little older and wiser? Tainted? Jaded? Not quite sure, but I thought against it.
Too often I have noticed that although people get into law and government for the right reasons, they quickly compromise their morals due to the crafty corruption riddled nature of African politics today. They go from being a man/woman for the people to becoming fat, egotistic animal-farm like pigs! Even if I was to join a big organization, like the UN or World Bank, the ridiculous level of procedures and in-between-stuff debase their efforts to a little more than nothing. They are simply not that practical, and you often find that their efforts are intercepted midway by this or that which prevent people from really benefiting from them.

During my GCSE’s /O Levels I joined and participated in the model united nations, which is held evry year at the UN quarters in Nairobi. (I was the Environmental delegate for Colombia) Basically its run entirely by teenagers and runs exactly like the actual real UN.
We wrote proposals, debated them out in the different chambers, a press corp. that produced a daily newspaper (also student run), dressed up, learnt all the proper UN debate lingo and procedures, (I even got my badge clipped for chewing gum! LoL) we even had pretend emergency situations in which we would be required to quickly think up of solutions!
It was fun, an unforgettable experience, but I realized that all the UN do is talk, draw up proposals, argue over the smallest most times insignificant things, are biased more by nation interests than the betterment of the world as a whole, and at the end of it all, they don’t really take effective action!

To make it worse, the comfy job which often offers the opportunity to work abroad and a fat salary eventually get to people, and they no longer care whether what they are doing really is helping people on the ground, back home. I don’t want to be caught up in that, that’s why I often say wherever life takes me, I will always come back home, and constantly remind myself not to get to comfy, there’s a lot of work to be done!

Still amidst all the bullshit, certain individuals manage to get things done. For instance today on the African Voices show on the BBC, they interviewed an African woman I have come to admire; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. She’s the former Minister of Finance and Minister of Foreign Affairs of Nigeria, current managing director of the World Bank. Despite the big titles, she seems to be a humble yet passionate Africanist lady. I did some more research on her and I‘ve found her inspirational. I admire her for two reasons:

1) She left her comfy World Bank job in Washington to come back to better serve her country as finance minister (2003-2006)

2) During her time as finance minister, she introduced some economic reforms which enabled greater fiscal transparency to combat corruption (a great problem a lot of African nations are failing to solve) Her reforms basically introduced the publishing of government spending/budget/allocation of money basically, which this enabled the people to see how much money was allocated to their local governments, and hence give them grounds on which to question why there were still pot holes in the roads, why the public schools were so under equipped, why their salaries haven’t risen and the general standard of life is worse despite the money being pumped into the area. This also puts pressure on the local governments to perform, and makes corruption harder to cover up. Excellent policy isn’t it?
After all, true change often comes from the bottom up, from the inside out...

So perhaps there is hope for politics, especially in Africa, although we are far from reaching the political ideals I mentioned before hand…

I was just wondering, whether it would be worth getting into politics.

Being a young African woman, who feels more comfortable speaking English than her own mother tongue, suburban born and raised…sometimes I feel helpless in the struggle to build and improve Africa, even in my own country.

Sometimes I wish I was born in the freedom fighter days, (born conveniently as a man) when all I had to do to join the struggle was to pick up a Gun.

Stirring Revolution…

Don’t you just hate people who walk into a room and instead of appreciating the flowers on the table they immediately comment on the dirt under the table? Who instead of greeting you they frown upon you and ask why you are still in your PJ’s? C’mon it’s a Saturday morning…

Self proclaimed ‘intellectuals’ who love quarrelling about everything you do, but can’t stand it when you argue back or try to justify yourself? Who are always talking about healthily lifestyles diet and exercise, lecturing you about how you should cut down on the salt, yet are overweight? Who can’t take a joke, and think their annoying play fighting is amusing? Who believe that because you’ve messed up once or twice you’re a criminal, who must not be trusted ever again, and sentence you to solitary confinement, moreover without solid evidence, a reasonable or valid reason and a fair trial? Who feel like they don’t need to explain themselves just because they are older than you? Who refuse to try to understand your individual differences, and simply take them as forms of rebellion against what is right and proper according to them. Who feel righteous yet cast darker shadows than you? Who are always asking you in an accusing tone if you’ve been smoking when you’ve clearly been clean for months now.

WHO CAN MANAGE TO GET THIS UNDER YOUR SKIN!!!

Gone for a little while...

I'm heading back to school tomorrow, and moving into the exam gear as I a go through the last leg of my high school life, aka final exam period!

I'm not nervous at all, which is a bad thing because the pressure usually helps me keep in check, and as a result I feel like I have been chilling too much.
But its not too late, my first exam is on the 18th May...my last 11 June, the in between from now and then I'm making a effort to abandon my blog and leave Blogsville for a while. It gets distracting, and I am easily distracted!

so adieus amigos, see you at the other end!

I'll leave you with a poem, untitled...just came to me as I was revising the other day, my thoughts on the eve of exams:

My mind is laced
With a hunger for knowledge, I chase
Enlightenment, so through words I forage,
Searching… for what I do not know,
Yet yearn to know.
Searching… for the light
To fight off the encroaching darkness of ignorance.
Searching… for the light
That bleached the colour of my innocence ;
Enough to expose my nakedness
But not enough to dispel the surrounding darkness.
It faded, at the edge of the unknown
Left me, naked,
Vulnerable as an animal of prey.
So I attempt to cloth myself in these pages
But even suits of degrees studded with shimmering masters and PhD’s
are not enough to cover gaping holes of questions
That the light burnt into my mind;
Causing a quenchless thirst for knowledge,
A lifetime of mental dehydration,
Is the scholars fate,
Only through death will it satiate.

R.I.P Roxy...

Meet Roxy.

She's a half breed between an alsatian and bull dog, named after Roxy in the Musical Chicago (a favourite)...a sasy lady who killed her husband acted by Rene zellwegger.

Meet Roxy.

She died today.
It was pretty shocking, but I guess looking back she has been quite unwell.
Sad that I never really said farewell.

My brother had noticed she, Roxy, had not been herself. She’s been acting sluggish of recent, especially yesterday. She wouldn’t eat, and had extra foul doggy breath. He spent the whole day outside with her. We called the vet that night and he said he would come over the next morning. Today after school the house help announced that she had died.

I couldn’t believe it. We knew she was ill, but ill enough to pass away?! I was shocked.

At first I couldn’t bring myself to go see its corpse. I never have been able to see dead things.
Even when they brought my father’s coffin back home for the night the day he died. I couldn’t bring myself to look into the coffin. I was taken and I stood right next to it, bowed my head as if to be looking into the coffin but my eyes were closed. Not even a glimpse in the corner of my eye. My eyes remained tightly closed.

There’s something chilling about the emptiness of corpses, something cold and menacing. Especially if the eyes are still open. And the smell of death…it’s the most sickening smell! But my brother assured me she looked like she was just asleep. And she was, apart from the stiff way her legs jutted out. Or the unresponsive way her head swung and dragged on the floor when we lifted her out of the kennel. There’s just something so creepy about that, I know she was dead but I kept telling my brother to be careful with her …the corpse, like she could still feel it. I know it sounds stupid but it makes me really uneasy.

My first response was to file charges and Sue!! Of course I’ve never actually sued anyone, but I’m wondering, do I have a case?
We’d need the vet to prove it was the food that directly caused the death of my dog, which would be difficult since the corpse is already buried as I type this out. Also my mum says court cases are expensive and are a hustle she wasn’t willing to go through or finance…I don’t know of any Ugandan animal rights groups or a board I can appeal to that checks the quality of animal feed here. Neither do I know whether we have a member of parliament for animal rights I can write and appeal too. I won’t even bother calling the manufacturers of this shit ‘cause I know they wouldn’t give a damn, or be of any help. HELP?!

I feel that justice should be served, not just to Roxy but all the dogs that have suffered at the malicious hands of crooked opportunist fat bellied capitalists and manufacturers all in the name of consumerism. All in the name of cutting costs and maximizing profits!

So we decided to bury her today, we felt it was the right thing to do.

We dug out a pit, me, my brother and the house help even offered a helping hand. So we put her in, carefully, and covered her up.

The sky was a murky blue all evening, like dirty soapy water after washing with omo…a mirror image of the gloom that hung over the household that evening. Funny how whether tends to do that, reflected moods…maybe it’s just us who project our moods unto the skies that reflect them back…

Turns out the sky wasn’t just a reflection of the gloomy feeling but was heavy with rain. After the rain, I felt much better. Standing out in the rain is so therapeutic. Especially tropical rain, with its swollen drops and rhythmic splash … I defiantly felt much better after the rain.

We carried out a mini funeral service.
We reminisced, we talked about death, we lit a candle, we engraved the tree she was buried nearby, we prayed, we were silent, we were grateful for life, we let it pass.
For death is a part of life.
We weren’t the only ones. My other dog, her brother, Bugsy (also named after a gangsta character in a musical called Bugsy Malone), seemed to be mourning too in his own way. Tell me you don’t see any emotion in his face?!

That’s why I think Animals, in fact all living things have souls. Its an vital part of life, I think…part of the reason science hasn’t discovered how to create life yet, its much complex than the physiological, its all to do with the spiritual. And you can feel it too. You can feel the presence of spirit, an aura of sorts that you can feel near trees, plants, animals…

Plus animals have personalities, if you have had any kind of pet(s) before you would surely agree with me. No Dog, cat, Fish, parrot, whatever has ever really been the same. Its more evident in dogs I think. They clearly show emotion, not human emotion but their kind of animal emotions. The fact that they recognize death, and even mourn the death of their own kind, supports this view! Its not just dogs, but elephants and primates do too!

I once had a conversation about where animals go when they die. Is there such a thing as an animal heaven, or is that a childish thought? we are all God’s creatures, he surely cares for the animals as he does for us, or does he?

Since the animals and plants were never kicked out the ‘Garden of Eden’, my theory is that they never left Eden. They still live there in mind.

Notice how animals lives are so carefree, no worries apart from survival, which the earth provides for them food shelter. no pressures like we humans face. We used to be that blissfully ignorant, in the ‘Garden of Eden’.

Unfortunately animals do struggle today, but that’s because we have encroached on their habitats and displaced them into a hostile world that has no place for them, forced them into domestication by breaking their wild spirits and bringing quite a number of them to near extinction.

Anyways, Eden has been described as heaven. As it is no longer physically on earth…its said to be in a spiritual realm of sorts. Some think its somewhere in the cosmos/“in the skies”, some think its in our minds, a state of being reached through meditation…

so lets assume animals are constantly in this state of mind, since they were never banished from Eden. What happens to their souls when they die?
Are they reborn into another form of life? Reincarnation sort of thing? Like re useable life energy that keeps the world turning or something…

Guess i'm yet to come up with a theory for that one...*Sigh*

1:28am - I swear i can hear all the dogs in the neighbourhood howling...

Been feeling out of sync these days...

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i know that something is wrong.
I haven’t been myself these past few weeks, and its not just PMS! I've been feeling so tired, and fed up too. I don’t really care as much as i did and i'm totally un motivated and un inspired, not to mention having developed a negative attitude to most things, especially school...

I come home from school and i want to sleep, so i take a nap, and that nap turns into an all nighter and before i know it, its morning, and time to catch the school bus. Last night i fell asleep and had locked the upstairs door, so my mum couldn’t get in, they tired waking me up, knocking on the door loudly, shouting my name calling me, but i couldn’t wake up. She eventually had to break in! I sleep all night and can’t get up in the morning, and again in the evening i feel sleepy again!

This has really taken a toll on my academics, because i just can’t be bothered to do work anymore! Currently so much work has built up, and i know i should do it yet i don’t feel that alarm and urgency, and so i don’t end up doing the work. Or i may start it but not complete it!
I also can’t be bothered with getting involved in school activities. Last Friday i was meant to help with a food sale during the annual school production, but i just didn’t have the energy to do so. Though i did contribute food, i didn’t stay long to help...like i usually do!

I feel like i'm tired of school, and home life is just bad. My beloved younger brother is very ill, currently he's admitted into hospital and has spent the whole weekend there. I haven't been out in so long that some of my friends 'crazy-fun-night-out' stories are starting to get to me. I have a writers/creativity block and despite the urge to i haven’t been able to write or draw anything i've liked for various reasons. I miss my boyfriend so much at times and others i wish he wouldn’t love me so much. I feel like i have no real friends and no one to talk to, and i feel like i want to cry sometimes but i have no tears. On top of everything my mother thinks i'm intoxicated with something due to my recent fatigue-ness, but i'm so sober its depressing! Am i depressed?

I hate that term, and think its silly for people to say 'i'm depressed', after all, its all in the mind, right? Well now that i might be d e p r e s s e d , it doesn’t sound so silly to me. but i don’t think i really am depressed. i must be physically sick or something, yet i doubt going for a check-up will seriously help. Ugandan Clinics are not the most efficient!
Unless..i may be depressed unconsciously...now that’s something to think about!
Is that even possible? and why would i be depressed? things could be worse and i know it! I must be sick...or not...i don’t know!
But life seems to have darkened for me these days!