Yet Again...

I never knew I would be back here again.
suffocating in this guilty pain...especially not with you, yet I’m here again;
like a bad déjà-vu, a scratch that won’t let the record play through...

So I end up back here again, guilty ‘cuz I helped cause this pain. Playing devil’s advocate, I guess I deserve what I get…Perhaps its part of my fate…or am I the one mingling with your fate. Either way, it’s a disturbing trait that plagues our relationship. Its got a hole in it, this 'ship, we’re sinking, and we're gonna die if we remain on it...you have to realise when to quit ...

I can only hold on to you for so long…we’re sinking, and I don’t want to drown, so I’m leaving…is that so wrong? If you won’t leave too, what more can I do…if I stay I’ll know I’ll be back here again...again.
its driving me insane!!
i feel like i'm stuck in a bad déjà-vu
stuck on a sinking ship handcuffed to you!

I couldn't have said it better...

It always feels so special when there happens to be a song that seems to have been written for/about you (those with soundtracks for their lives would know what I’m talking about). Well, in regard to the the (SHE x HIM) + ANOTHER = DILEMMA , Erykah Badus song next lifetime total captures the essence of my love life…i couldnt have said it better...

Next Lifetime (Live Version) - Erykah Badu

NEXT LIFETIME by Erykah Badu

[chorus 1]
Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When Im already someones girl?
(repeat 2x)

Verse one:
First time that I saw you boy
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted youI really hoped you looked my way
When you smiled at me
So warm and
I could not stay
You make me feel like a itty-bitty girl
What do you do to me

Chorus 1 (repeat 2x)

I guess Ill see you next lifetime
No hard feelingsI guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im gonna be there

Verse two:
Your energy, feels so damn good to me
It picks me up dont wanna come down
You got me spinning all around
YeahYou need to know
Ive got that somebody
Youre beautiful
But it aint that kind-a party nowww

Chorus 1 (repeat 2x)

Well I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Baby well be butterflies
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
That sounds so divine

I guess Ill see you next lifetime
I guess I will now
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Wait, wait a little while

Verse three:
See it aint nothing wrong with dreaming
Boy dont get me wrong
Cause every time (every time) I see you (every single time)
I know just how strong (every single time)
That my love is for my baby
But emotions just dont lie
Well I know Im a lot of woman
But not enough to divide the pie

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
You know I want to stay around
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im so confused now

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Already
Im going to be there
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Im going to look for you

Chorus 1
I guess Ill see you next lifetime
Oh
Oh baby
Im gonna be there
Im gonna be the there...

knowing without being told = feeling

It always amazes me when someone close to you can sense things even if they are physically far and haven’t had any contact from you, not even talking on the phone, yet can sense when something is wrong. How do they know? How can they feel it? Almost like telepathy…human relationships are such an amazing phenomenon!

Anyways, recently that Other guy (I had blogged about in the post (She x Him)+Another=Dilemma) re-appeared in my love life of recent. I had decided 2 solve that dilemma by just distancing myself from him and focusing all my attention on Him. And it worked, he stopped calling but I didn’t feel great about it, certainly not like I had resolved anything but rather felt like I had messed things up more…
After all he had become a really close friend whom I enjoyed talking too, made me laugh, was fun to hang out with…but we had grown too close, and feelings had began to develop.

Well I lost all my numbers recently so its not like I could call him up just to check up on him, but that week for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then he called me, and when I picked up I knew who it was before he even said anything! Turns out he had gone through a difficult time during the past two weeks and when he called me needing someone to talk to, I wasn’t there for him. I felt terrible! Because he’s been there for me…so we began talking again, though he refused to tell me about what had happened. He’ll tell me in time I guess…

On the other side, my focus began to shift, and it was reflected in the reduced length and frequency of our phone calls, but it wasn’t that obvious. Then he calls me one day and tells me how weird he’s been feeling, taking it lightly I tell him he’s probably coming down with a cold, then he tells me that he has been feeling lonely all over sudden, and feels sudden bouts of love for me at random times and has the urge to call (funny thing is that he has called while I was on the phone to the other dude!) …like an intentional coincidence!

He could feel that I was being drawn to another guy, and I could feel that the other guy was going through something and that I should have been there for him, and he could feel that I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t!
Its like we all just felt these things without having to know, u know??

Me Myself and I???

The issue of identity has been one I’ve thought over the majority of my teenage life. This rebirth I talked about in my new years’ theme is once again linked to this, in a way it is me pealing layers of myself to find who I truly am. I’ve learnt along the way that these layers are actually part of and to an extent make me who I am, however some of these layers are not qualities I would like to have. Others are formed by external influences (eg. Other people’s perceptions, the media, culture and society etc) which have forged me into a person, that does not connect with the inner me, hence is not truly me! do you get what i'm trying to say?

So in this search for myself I have become slightly obsessed with defining myself, in order to know who I am and hence less susceptible to the bullshit the world is constantly feeding us…

On this note, I had a very interesting History lesson about Nationalism. The ‘teenage phase’ of European nations during 18th-20th centuries, and I began to think about my own nationality as a Ugandan. An African. Most African nations and states were formed by European colonists who divided up the land for themselves, and somehow the boarders stuck, despite the fact that so many different tribes and people ended up in the same nation, yet didn’t speak the same language or share cultures etc, all that makes a nation united...

I know that before this happened, there were just many small territorial units under this or that tribe, and that the tribalistic nature of Africans (and mankind on the whole actually) would have made unification as a nation a very bloody affair (just like it was in Europe, the 1st and 2nd world war both happened in the era of nationalism, If Hitler and the Nazi era was a product of extreme nationalism, I wouldn’t want to know what would have happened in Africa! ).

Despite the possible hidden blessing the colonialists did for us by drawing out permanent boarders and creating states, although for selfish inconsiderate reasons, I still feel that Ugandans don’t have that nationalistic unity that we should have as a nation, especially compared to neighboring Tanzania, (Kenya is not the best of examples, they got similar issues when it comes to unity, but are still more nationalistic than us!)

Although it has gotten better, and more people feel more Ugandan, most people still find tribe an important aspect of their identity. I’ve heard my mother tell me numerous times how never to marry a Muganda, and how the Basoga are weird people with weird a culture, and not to even think of bringing a Northaner home! Or how the Bahima are lazy and love gossip, so that leave who? My people from the south west the only likely suitors/spouses? I thought we were all Ugandans!!

Like my country, I am torn/confused/divided about my identity! The majority of who I am, was formed by western ideas of what a young black female should be, through media, my school, my peer group etc…this was the age I used to listen to angry dark rock music, try to be sexy, strive to have straight long hair, thought local languages were ‘local’ (in the negative way, i.e. ignorant, not cool), found white dudes more attractive, even used to find my features awkward in comparison to what i thouht i should be and used to be! Thank God I opened my eyes and saw past these lies and insecurities!!

Still, I have my doubts and uncertainties of who I am. I have conflicting identities in a way, for instance, I am very pan Africanist, afro-centric, proud to be an African and I would like to give back to my people and my country, my continent one day, yet I can’t speak any African language fluently. I am very liberal not just politically but in most aspects of my life, yet I cherish the old school, and agree with some conservative and traditional things. I find men very attractive, and I’m certain I’m straight, yet I find women so sensual in every aspect, and can imagine myself being intimate with fellow female. I’m a good poet, a very visual and artistic person, opinionated and confident in my work opinions and thoughts yet I have terrible stage fright and I hate sharing my poems or art pieces… The list can go on and on…

In a way I can identify with African Americans and their struggle of identity, the situation and circumstances I grew up in such as; living in the suburb, exposed to mainstream media, going to an international school yet living in Africa and witnessing firsthand the poverty and suffering of my people, being naturally lighter skinned than the average Ugandan ‘Black person’, etc have caused a lot of conflict and confusion in the development of my identity. I live in two parallel worlds, and as a result I am a mixture of both! (I’ve been mistaken for a mixed race person many times, most people find it hard to believe I don’t have a white parent!)

There is an undeniable strength in this however! The more diverse one is, the stronger, more intellectual, more talented, open minded, flexible, adaptive and even more attractive one is! Look at the animal kingdom for instance, the more diverse a species genes are, the more likely it is to survive. When people intermarry within a family/families as often happens in small villages, the more likely their children will be born with deficiencies and underdeveloped cognitive abilities! The more mixed a person, the more attractive they are, certain features are not over emphasized, and they tend to have an exotic appearance most people find attractive!

My mother has commented before that the future belongs to the ‘Obama generation’...

Knowing who you are is a gradual process I suppose, since we are ever changing, perhaps no one never really knows who they are!?!

...Yet there are people who have such a strong sense of who they are, and are at peace and are confident about it, they are not easily shaken by bullshit! They attract people simply by being who they are, themselves.

I want to be like that!

Hope 2009 will be a year of striping away the layers, purifying and enhancing the enssentials of who i truley am...