Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I told my brother to go kill himslef

Its been a really emotional weekend for me, but the peak of all the isht on my mind was the discovery that my brother, my younger brother, is back to the senseless habit of smoking!
It was like slap in the face that sent my glasses hurtling to the ground, smashing the view that he was okay, and he was getting through everyday life without having to use any self destructive substance. I guess i was being naively optimistic. Addiction is not that simple to get over. I had assured my self that if i can get over weed, so could he, and since weed is classified as a soft drug, which does not cause physical addiction but rather psychological addiction, it shouldn't be that hard for him to get off it. well, he has, but replaced it with cigarettes, classified as a harder drug. He's just taken a step forward and two steps back. But what angers me most is all for what?!
He says he likes the high, the excitement, but i tell him he can get much more lasting joy from other sober things in life! I think he's looking for peace, trying to fll up empty spaces in his life, which he calls boredom, he's trying to escape himself, is life, instead of being a man and facing it. Resolving those issues. He's a smart guy, after all, he knew the right things to say to us to give us the impression he's getting better. He knows the dangers and scary facts about what smoking does to you, and i dont even want to focus on that! I've instead tried to show him how much he can have, how much he can gain living a sober life...but still he continues in this senseless hedonistic behavior.
I just want to know Why? Why he's chosen to smoke yet he knows why he shouldnt.
It saddens me that my own brother is part of the alarming phenomenon of "Mentacide" , Black Sucide, The self destructive senseless behavior noticeable in most Black males aged 16-30, or as one of my favorite black psychologist Bobby.E.Wright phrased it; "deliberate and systematic destruction of a group's minds with the ultimate objective being the extirpation of the group" . I don't want my brother to fall into that category, and if thats what he has chosen, then he'd rather kill himself quickly, rather than kill him self slowly which would just prolong he's deterioration as his body and mind will die slowly, and prolong our pain of helplessly watching him kill him0self slowly. I'd rather he just get it over and done with, we mourn, and get over it, rather than be forced to live with it. I Obviously don't want to loose him, i don't want him to die, but i cant make that choice for him, and if thats what he has chosen, so be it, but he shouldn't make us suffer more than we deserve.

Hopefully it shall shock him into his senses rather than act as a catalyst to his suicide. I Know his smarter than that, I know he doesn't want to die.

my best friend just had her baby!!

Although i was feelin horrible last Sunday, like all the life was slowly seeping through me, one of my close friends was in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to new life...on Sunday 26th October 2008, at around 3-4pm, Francesca was born, 38weeks early!
I was sooo excited, feeling like an aunty, all grown up, at that stage where your friends are having kids...but in actual fact, she's just 17 so she should be the one feeling grown up...too fast...
But this child has proven time and time again, it wants to be born! I honestly had my doubts, because of alot of complications on her mothers part, but although she’s pre mature, she's a fighter, she was in the incubator for only 2 days! She's a strong baby girl, just like her mother, she's a fighter...Gosh, i can already imagine me telling her these stories when she's older. The only thing that saddens me is that i wont be around on her first birthday! I'll be in some cold European country tryin to develop my intellect!
But i wish her, Francesca and that asshole who is her father (gotta give him a lil' respect i suppose) all the best, all my blessing, all my love.

The birth of a baby, whether premature or overdue or unexpected or planned for, is always such a beautiful thing. I dedicate this poem to her, (Its not mine, but a AfricanHipHop.com family member, and friend, who wrote it, and i think it fits this occasion so we


And as you grew inside my womb
New galaxies were born
The sun came to kiss the moon
Roses blossomed on bloody thorns
Angels thanked the heavens
For blessing this earth with you

I stared and cried and smiled
For I understood that now we
Have been blessed too…

Copyright 2008 Poetic Seraph

Saturday, October 25, 2008

the biggest question after "Is there a God?"

Is it possible to love two people?
poligamists would say yes, but i always thought that was a sort of status thing, the more women, the bigger the man, plus there is usuly the first wife or head wife, who is held a little higher than the others which shows that perhaps they are loved more than the others.
Is it possible to love two people equaly?
A child would say yes, its impossible at times to pick the one parent a child loves more, but thats a different kind of love. I'm talking about romantic love.It bugs me how the english language has so many synonyms for one word, but just one word is used to describe a multitude of emotions! you can love a 10 different children, but can you love 10 different lovers? There are different kinds of love, and it seems with those come different limits of how many people you can love. otherwise its called cheating!
who made up these rules anyway?! In the end isn't it all love?
These questions lead me to the timless question of what love really is?... especially romantic love...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

High School Drama

Thought these mellow-dramatic high school days where over, with the gossip and rumours and ego clashes...being in my final year of high school, i thought such things would be slowly fizzling out of my everyday life into fuzzy still frame memories of high school. And what gets me most is that it aint even happening in school, but in my social life out of school. Damn! Guess you cant escape high school drama whatever stage in life your in...

Anyway some punk been spreading a rumour that I fcuk'd him "4 times" , and he been telling all my boyfriends friends!! well there is some truth to that, i did have a crazy night with him but that was before i started going out with my boyfi and it didnt involve any sex of any kind!!! plus my boyfriend already knows that. But what hurt most was that although he's an a$$hole, i tryed to be nice to him, never insulted or blew him off, i was real civil to him…but I guess a$$holes like him consider kindness as a weakness. When I talked to him he didn’t even admit it was him but started blaming others, anyways at this point I didn’t care, I just wanted him to stop, so I told him I don’t hate him or want beef, but I got nothing to say to him and don’t want this thing to blow up, he agreed and said we were cool.

Then he called my boyfriend and left a threatening message.

That’s when I knew it was more than just about me. I saw they had some ego-centric kind of score to settle, and I was just the excuse. A “Helen of Troy” of sorts. They defiantly have some bad history between them even before I got into the picture! So I’ve decided to handle it quietly, get my self out of it and move on, after all, its not true and it don’t phase me, so like the sexy Collie Buddz so passionately sings “I’m blind to you haters!”

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Vist form a long lost friend

I'm amazed almost everyday how this "law of attraction" actually works! I've been thinkin about this friend of mine for sometime, me and another friend were even planning to "stage an intervention" and go rescue her or something, then yesterday, I got several people asking about her, and so naturally, I go home with her still on my mind...then once I get home, just chilling listening to music, I get an anonymous text and surprise surprise, its Sam!! Apparently he had just got herself a new sim card and she texted me immediately it was activated! Coincidence or the law of attraction?

Anyway, It was a pleasant surprise! We hooked up at a friends house. Glad to know firstly, that she's alive-for real, I hadn't heard from her in around two months! Also to know she's okay, not great but okay...which is good! LoL

I really didn’t want her to go back, for her sake, but she had some valid points. You just cant "walk out" of an abusive relationship like that and expect there to be no shock waves...still, I think she shouldn’t have gone back, and the rest would fall into place, but yet again, there’s a lot I don't know about their relationship, she would probably know better...

As short lived our meeting may have been, it brought great relief and hope.

I don’t usually pray, but when I do feel humbled enough to get down on bent knee, she'll be in my prayers, because that’s what you do when a situation is out of your control and you desperately want to make a difference...you pray.

So I will pray for dear Sam.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Technology is a bitch!!

Irresistible, with its slick metallic colours, strong framework with flirtatious curves, its modernity never fails to impress, its effectiveness is hard to ignore, once you start to use it you cant live without it...
Forget pets! Technology is mans best friend...and its when you've become so dependent on it, like your phone might as well be attached to your hand as a 6th (multifuntional) finger, is when it fails you!! Almost like it had planed to freeze up or black out when you needed it most! ...but i cant help but keep coming back for more, its got me entangled in its wires, i'm right in the middle of its keypad ...technology is a bitch, buh we all know that i'm technology's bitch!