Its been a really emotional weekend for me, but the peak of all the isht on my mind was the discovery that my brother, my younger brother, is back to the senseless habit of smoking!
It was like slap in the face that sent my glasses hurtling to the ground, smashing the view that he was okay, and he was getting through everyday life without having to use any self destructive substance. I guess i was being naively optimistic. Addiction is not that simple to get over. I had assured my self that if i can get over weed, so could he, and since weed is classified as a soft drug, which does not cause physical addiction but rather psychological addiction, it shouldn't be that hard for him to get off it. well, he has, but replaced it with cigarettes, classified as a harder drug. He's just taken a step forward and two steps back. But what angers me most is all for what?!
He says he likes the high, the excitement, but i tell him he can get much more lasting joy from other sober things in life! I think he's looking for peace, trying to fll up empty spaces in his life, which he calls boredom, he's trying to escape himself, is life, instead of being a man and facing it. Resolving those issues. He's a smart guy, after all, he knew the right things to say to us to give us the impression he's getting better. He knows the dangers and scary facts about what smoking does to you, and i dont even want to focus on that! I've instead tried to show him how much he can have, how much he can gain living a sober life...but still he continues in this senseless hedonistic behavior.
I just want to know Why? Why he's chosen to smoke yet he knows why he shouldnt.
It saddens me that my own brother is part of the alarming phenomenon of "Mentacide" , Black Sucide, The self destructive senseless behavior noticeable in most Black males aged 16-30, or as one of my favorite black psychologist Bobby.E.Wright phrased it; "deliberate and systematic destruction of a group's minds with the ultimate objective being the extirpation of the group" . I don't want my brother to fall into that category, and if thats what he has chosen, then he'd rather kill himself quickly, rather than kill him self slowly which would just prolong he's deterioration as his body and mind will die slowly, and prolong our pain of helplessly watching him kill him0self slowly. I'd rather he just get it over and done with, we mourn, and get over it, rather than be forced to live with it. I Obviously don't want to loose him, i don't want him to die, but i cant make that choice for him, and if thats what he has chosen, so be it, but he shouldn't make us suffer more than we deserve.
Hopefully it shall shock him into his senses rather than act as a catalyst to his suicide. I Know his smarter than that, I know he doesn't want to die.