Thursday, September 25, 2008

Semi Bi-polar

Mr.B was telling the class yesterday about some research he carried out while in university about Bi Polar people, and the more he talked about it, the more i noticed that we all bi-polar in a way...He stressed that the biggest difference between normal people and those who are bi polar is that they ask for normal demands but react in exaggerated ways, but how many of us fit that category!!
Just yesterday my younger brother totally freaked out about a roach that crawled in through his window, he screamed at me to go get the insecticide and i did, in about 2 minutes, and he was shouting at what took me so long, he then excessively sprayed it, and smashed it with his shoe over and over, then sprayed his whole room....Was that exaggerated?? It could apparently be seen as a bi-polar reaction, but honestly, i would have done the same thing!!

The line between sanity and insanity is very slight, and we often take little trips across the boarder once in a while...

Saturday, September 20, 2008

contemplative on the nearing prospect of university

Went for my school awards evening yesterday, and thank god i dint just win a merit award b'cuz i would have gone home depressed! LoL, I got an award for Psychology, promoting psychology in action, and best A/AS level results (A,A,B,B) ! Now that was amazing, i had no idea people failed that bad! LoL, guess i'm good at what i do!
Anyways, with the joyous contentment of achievement, also came the doughting uncertainty of the prospect of University...It was a bitter sweet night for me.
My award in psychology didnt suprise me, i knew even before they read out my name, because i love it, it is my favourite subject...almost like a calling. I would actually love to do it in university, a course in applied psychology with politics or something, but what would i do with that degree? Especially if i come back to live in East Africa. It seems like a dead end. Infact almost all my possible university choices seem like dead ends if i come back to live and work here. so maybe the question boils down to whether i really want to come back to live here, back to the mother land...
Deep down i know i have to, whether i want to or not. The truth is no other country, especialy European, really want us. All their policies on immigration etc all seem to be focused around deterring Africans from living there in the long run. plus i dont see why i have to run to the white man's land to look for my destiny, for a better way of life, cause that would mean that they've won...I feel obliged to live in Africa, and take part in its struggle from the bondage of the white man ( I believe Africa is big enough to sustain its self if we all work together, we dont need help from the white man, they've helped enough...helped themselves that is-but thats another story for another day)...despite this sense of burning duty, i feel i'm helpless, plus i gotta break free from my personal bondage first before i can help free Africa from hers. I want my University experience to be one of self discovery, of enlightenment...but i also want it to equip me with skills i can use practicaly in the real world, skills that will help me use the best of my resources, make money, gain status and security, i want to be affluent. I want to come out of Uni and create employment, not look for a job, and generate money fast. My problem is that these tend to clash. I dont know what course can fit all these requirements, so i have to pick one and compromise the other. Im in a dilemma, at the cross roads of my life and dont want to mess up by picking the wrong course and take the long route to reach my self actualisation/ fullest potential/ purpose in life/ what ever you would call it!
I need advise.
And not the "what-you-would-do-if-you were-in-my-position" advise, b'cuz your not me! I'm not you! plus that advise tends to be selfish...people always trying to live through you, and tell you to do law or whatever just cause you can and they never got the chance to, so they feel like they can live their dreams through you. I want the "best-possible-option-for-me-in-my-current position" advise, considering all of the above...Is that too much to ask for? i know we all human and selfish by nature, but i need some wise insightful advise desperately. I need a holy intervention!

Poetry Thread; "Catch the wind"

I usually post my poetry on , under the poetry/spoken word section, but seeing as i now have a net space i can call my own, might aswell post it on here too, please feel free to post comments.

well, here's my first:

Catch The Wind

The wind blows change.
Changes shape,
and flow,
but cant change what we feel,
dont have to see it to know,
that these feelings are real.
Cant know where its going
even if the wind gauge pointed so,
so dont try to chase a feeling
beacause you cant catch the wind.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Bloody Relief!

Never been so happy at the sight of menstrual blood!
Although it means that another egg never got to hatch life, its the clensing of my womb, the relief of a woman’s burden as the carrier of lest just for a little while…I wasn’t ready for that anyway!
Tab once told me she’s setting up a lil business project where girls could go check if they were pregnant without going to the hospital and causing alarm with the family doctor and possibly the family…I always thought it was stupid for girls to stress about whether they were pregnant, b’cuz it was easy to prevent that worry, USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME, or just don’t have sex! But the older I got, the more real these kind of worries became to me…I realised it really isn’t easy to do it, as it is to say it. Lust can be so intoxicating, especially if its mingled with love. You keep muttering under your breath that you cant do it, you cant without a condom, yet all the while you letting him undress you, you letting him kiss you, worse still you the first to mount him!! The mind and the body are truly two different entities!