Sunday, December 20, 2009

Verbal constipation...brace yourself!

My mental pathways have been clogged with thoughts, emotions, memories, half digested experiences, a little bit of THC and alcohol for a while now. It’s starting to ache, and as painfully awkward as it may be blogging again, it needs to be done.

So excuse me as I bang and scratch at the cubical walls of my blog, pant, rant, moan and groan, I really need to take a dump, off my mind, and let it swirl on the page half submerged so I can look at it. Smell my own shit, acknowledge it, detox and move on.

That’s what blogs are for after all. Your own personal cubical where you can scratch things into the wall and fill it with your shit, just more hygienic…but as therapeutic as taking a daily dump.

P.S. We all go through that crude phase when poop never ceases to amuse, don't act like you don't know what i'm on about. Enjoying good poop jokes n metaphors requires an rare sense of humor, one that is imaginatively comic yet twisted. I don’t blame if most of you are slightly cringing right now...Last time I checked I was the youngest blogger here, at least in this part of the blogsville, so let the child play damn it. ^_^

PART ONE: THE FART…a long and whiny one at that…

Although I’ve retaind my highschool poop jokes, I’m all grown up. Well, in the process. Just finished my first semester, it wasn’t as hard as I thought but the work load was crazy! I thought the whole point I decided to step back and do a foundation year was to buy time to chill out, especially since I didn’t get my gap year and my senior break that’s supposed to be at least half a year was cut short! Its ironic now that since I’m starting my degree for real now next year in mid February, my foundation class is signed up for an exchange program to go finish sem2 in the UK! WTF! Now I feel like blowing off my degree just to go party, ahem study ahem, in the UK with friends for a month! But when weighed against finishing school quickly and having a month of fun in the UK, I would chose finishing school quickly! Having a taste of living on my own on my own turns with my own atm card and shit has given me more motivation to start my own life and cut my parental strings completely!

They say the freedom was better than breathing. They were right. Its…exhilarating, even when your broke and stuck at home, the fact that I’m free to roam, just pick up and walk out, or bring in whoever I please is exhilarating! Still I’m not yet completely free…the bars have been lifted but I’m still shackled to my mother, and of recent after the skype incident, shes made her chain awfully short.

Most parents are meant to wash their hands of their children when they turn eighteen and move away for university. Not mine. I still go through that afterschool conversation. “How was school. Fine. Anything new? No. Have you finished your homework?. Yes. Good.” Just this time its not over the dining table (Ha more like dinner on the couch infront of the TV as she sits at the table) and she doesn’t becon me to her room to talk, but instead calls every single fucking day! Everyday, I still have nothing new to say…even if I did, I wouldn’t tell her. I wish I could, but I’ve tried and it upset her, so I just tell her what she wants to hear, keep her blood pressure regular. I’m still operating undercover, just that since I’m over seas, its less extreme, but I’m not free from the fascist dictatorship yet.

Infact her Excellency is planning a months vist here. A MONTH! Couldn’t have picked a worse time, especially with Christmas and new years, instead of having crazy fun for once on new years, I shall most likely be in bed at home, because my mother will be around and disapproves of seasonal jolly making, especially when it involved boys and intoxicants. I could scream! Well, in order not to lose my mind, I’ve devised a plan to take her touring around Malaysia. Perhaps the change of scenery will help fight off the sinking depression of having my mother and celibate “you-know-you-can-get-cancer-from-that” aunty here for Christmas. AND new years.

After that, infact the day they leave I’ll pack up and go on a road trip, go live at a surfer town, was thinking particularly of desaru, I hear they have amazing coast line. Since when did I surf? Well apparently I coast (on a skateboard) like a surfer, someone recommended I try it out, I may be a natural. ;-) plus I LOVE ocean. When I get back, plan to be off for even more coastline when my friends get back and go to the infamous party island of langkawi where alcohol is cheaper than water. Can u sense the big grin creeping up my face just thinking about that? It still sucks that my holiday will but cut a month short. (The time my mother is here does not count as holiday). Note to all potential or young parents who may just happen to be browsing through, leave your kids the fuck alone when they go to university, okay?!?

sheeesh!


Friday, October 23, 2009

My Laptop Crashed...

need i say more....
:-(

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Going Blond? (and no i'm not bitching again)

I think I have a condition...ike that dude in the movie The curious case of Benjamin Button…although the difference is that although I may think like a 80 year old woman, I don’t look like one…lol. Seriously, I have had several remarks form various un-connected sources how I’m too old for my age.

I was watching old reruns of the Simpsons and they happened to show that episode where flanders realizes he is 60 something but hasn’t lived a day in his life, then they go to Vegas…(for you losers who don’t watch Simpsons or if you forgot or if you haven’t realized the importance of me landing on this particular episode! CLICK HERE BEFORE YOU READ ANYMORE)…to make it worse Everybody loves Raymond came on next and it was the episode when he goes through his mid life crisis…!!! (I felt like i was turning into a flounders of sorts :-S )

It felt like a sign.
You know, like when everything around you seems to be directly referring to a situation your currently going through?
I’m a sensitive person, I pick up on things happening around me, I deep think. I think I think too much, and that’s part of the problem! At my age I should technically be going wild: eighteen, apartment, university, not in the same country with relatives…yet I’m just going through the motions of life, cautiously…like a freaking 59 year old in the ending phase of their career.

Oxytim warned me about this. How I used to tell him all the crazy things I want to do when I leave home, and he would always say that I would be surprised that I wasn’t going to do even half the things he mentioned…I think I now see his point. Its hard to shake off old habits and behaviors you pick up when living at home. Like not getting too drunk because you know you’re going to face your mother at the end of the night, of getting nervous when it gets past midnight when you go out or looking around for that odd relative who may happen to see you and tell your mother. Now theres no mother in the picture anymore, but I still haven’t shaken off these habits…its strangling me!

Naturally I have a very bohemian spirit, I have impulses, but I act too much with head and not my heart…I partly blame the subjects I was so into during school: history, psychology and literature have made me too analytical! But mostly I blame this on upbringing. I used to rebel against what they wanted to mold me into back home, not because I’m big headed (okay maybe I am) but because I realized early that people always try to project their unfulfilled dreams onto you, then claim they want the best for you, which is a lie, the want you to be what they could not or want to be but aren’t quite close, hence really its not about what’s best for you, its about whats best for them, but since they cant do/have it they project it on a loved one or someone they think deserve it. Although most times its not really whats best for you.

My mother used to by me dresses when I was young and I would refuse to wear them, even on Sunday mornings, because frankly they were itchy, stiff and just didn’t feel right. And thus began my obsession with pants/trousers and shorts…and fear of dresses too! LoL! I’ve always been strong willed, but recently I think I was beginning to fold under my mothers will. You know how bakiga women are. They tough, and to make it worse, she’s a single parent too!

Cant believe I actually agreed to go to a Christian camp, for like a whole freaking week! And never used it as an opportunity to spend a week away from home doing some serious partying! That’s what I would have done like 2 years ago. Its amazing how much someone can change in just a year!

I might as well mention now that the being saved thing has officially gone out the window. The church thing only works when there is reinforcement from a pressure group, eg, like the fellowship I had began to attend. I really did try though…
I’ve gone from attending fellowship twice a week to living in an apartment with stoners…one is bound to drop and pick up habits.

Anyways, I think the universe has been trying to tell me something…I’m too old for my age. Its beyond being mature, its now being just plain senile! I don’t want to hit like 40 something and realize I missed out on my childhood!! If I’m already getting my mid life crisis now, what about when I turn 40?

Its like as if I’m married with my bu rings and long distance boyfriend, dress like I’ve lost my figure, don’t let go and do impulsive things like as if I may dislocate my hip or have med’s to take in the morning…Maybe I’m just deep thinking again, but I think I’ve struck a nerve. I don’t want to miss out on my “childhood”.

Forget next years resolution, as of now I’m going to go “blond”! Be stupidly impulsive, get high like I don’t have anything to do tomorrow (even if its just a Thursday night)…leave the house semi naked, it gets damn hot here anyways…speak my mind and say inappropriate stuff, I’m used to awkward moments anyways…wear heals and do the make-up thing (okay think I’ve taken it too far there, lol, Hell nooo!...maybe just a little….noooo….yesss???)…try a chemically based drug like cocaine, E, LSD, acid…have these blood pumping experience in shady areas, (like in sex on fire-Kings of Leon) one night stands I think they call them…lol. (I know my boyfriend may well possibly read this so just joking about the last comment there…but seriously, I wonder what they are like…). I’m going to get that tattoo I’ve been talking about, and piercings as well, and a sisha bong…

I have this urge to write a bucket list of sorts. If I was to die today it would be a damn shame because I basically haven’t done shit in life. Just think about shit mob!

I live in Babylon, was born and raised in Babylon, its about time I got to know the place, get one of those “I heart Babylon” tourist T-shirts. See, taste, experience Sodom, before all goes to hell…then maybe I can walk away from it all together without turning back one last time…see I think that dude had unfinished business there, that’s why he turned back and was turned to salt…(what part of the bible is that btw?, I should look it up before I start making up stuff! lol). I don’t want to get old and feel like I have unfinished business as well…

I think it’s time I got a life(outside my head). Moving out of the analytical thinking part of my brain and going to dwell more on the animalistic impulsive part.
As long as it feels good...

I’m tired of the restricted life. I’m pulling an Anikin Skywalker and moving to the darkside…hope I don’t emerge as a darth vader though… :-S

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Having a Dead Prez moment over independence day...

Uganda Oye?!?!

What a joke, the majority of Ugandans I know aren’t even patriotic but were only psyched up about independence day because of opportunity to booze!
Shows you how strongly we feel about our country, it kinda pissed me off, because no one wanted to talk politics that day.

No one wanted to discuss why we don’t have one main language in Uganda, I googled it and it said it was English, what bullshit! Do you know how hard it is to explain that to fellow Africans from more progressive African nations, that I can not communicate to someone from the north or east of my own country?!
That people still die from diseases that are curable?!
That part of the country is in famine yet there is more than enough food?!
That our leader encourages and makes more opportunities for foreigners to invest in our country but not for local Ugandans. ?!
That our bank systems are scams.?!

Last night would have been the perfect night to talk about this shit, but people would rather go clubbing. So what could I do? I cant discuss this shit by myself. So I pushed it to the back of my mind and went out “celebrate ” independence in KL (Kuala Lumpur)

The celebrations were being held at a Nigerian place called “Goody Foody”…I know…Sounds like a fucking supermarket or food court at some dingy mall! LoL, anyways, despite the wack name people turned up in numbers! What sucked most was that they all knew each other, and were all on about their own shit, and I just kinda sat there…

The people I came with were like “just come, meet fellow Ugandans”…I did I guess, first stared, said hi, shouted some inaudible words over booming music, then they asked to dance looking all druged up and like their hands were gonna go all over the wrong places…I wasn’t in the mood for that shit so I said no….went out after a while to get some fresh air and then just stayed there…I don’t count having sex with clothes on with a guy whose name you’re going to forget in the morning “meeting fellow Ugandans”.

It’s not that I’m not a wet blanket or stuck up but I really do find that shit weak, it doesn’t stir even a bit of excitement in me so why pretend that it does just for social approval. Fuck that. Call me stuck up if you want. Its just not me…plus niggas weren’t even fly or nothing…lol.

I meet some ladies too, but with them it never went past the hello…somehow I don’t really connect with fellow Ugandan women…okay not all but most.
I don’t know why either…for instance, I think I was the only chick in sandals that night. LoL. Okay I know, who wear slippers to a damn club but why the hell do women wear stupidly uncomfortable heels to club? That night I saw like several pairs of heels of under the table and a bunch of barefoot ladies….only if they knew how dirty the floors are! LoL. Its hypocritical if you ask me…you were heels just so that when you walk your ass moves in an appeasing way for men to later take them off when you get too high to walk let alone dance because your feet are killing you. I don’t know about y’all but I love my feet, and hate uncomfortable shoes with a passion…

I still wonder though why I don’t easily connect with my people?! The new person I meet yesterday and actually connected with was a 17 year old Korean girl. (at campus though, not at the club) That’s kinda fucked up huh? At least to them I’m black no doubt…you have no idea how annoying it is to be called a “white” when I’m clearly not.
Only if I knew what people define as “black”, maybe I could work on it…but the thing is there is no definite definition, and the most commonly agreed upon, or stereotypes of what a black woman should be is damn degradable.

If being a black young woman today means wearing fake European hair, uncomfortable shoes, having sex with clothes on with strangers in clubs, being loud rude and gossipy, listening to bad yet popular music, being materialistic and manipulative…if that’s what is considered a fine young black woman I don’t think i want to be one.

I believe that its the cultures we adopt that shall blind us, its the choices we make that shall guide us. I want to be who i am because of the choices i made, not because of the cultures I've adopted because no offence but some cultural customs are ridiculous....especially African ones.

This post would have been so much better if I had stayed home with a couple of brilliant minds, smoked some thought provoking herb, put on some beats, and talked politics…in my PJ’z…

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

People say...

Since I’ve got here, I’ve heard alot about the groups of people here, from a lot of various people, Okay, these could all just be stereotypical but there is no smoke without fire, right?

...things like:

Nigerian men are rich, but really arrogant and violent. If there’s a bar fight somewhere, it must be a Nigerian, if someone felt like buying drinks for the whole club, must be Nigerian…

People from Botswana (what do you call a person from Botswana???) are fast, sex is easy come easy go with them, and so apparently are STD’s….

Don’t fuck with 9ja boys, or Chinese women, most have Chinese guys or guys-who-wanna-be-their-guys, and they have connections with the yakuza mafia, and they can really fuck you up just for looking at one in the wrong way!

Malays are lazy people, they run on African time too! LoL!

Ugandan girls give good head/blowjobs/fellatio …. ?!?!

damn, now i have a reputation to up hold...lol.

P.S. Finally set up my private blog Eizzy Uncensored, y'all are welcome to read it but on condition that:

> i dont know you in real life and if i do i wont proberbly ever see you in real life again

>No family or people connected to any family member in anyway, that especially excludes people who work in new vision or the ugandan press and the tourisim industry

>No boyfriends or before mentiond "him"s

>no people from my church back home (watoto former KPC)

>people i know on facebook.

I think that about covers it!

seriously though, its just easier to share stuff with people i dont really know...or know very well. Inbetween means uncertianty, possible friend or foe and hence not to be trusted. I'll keep this blog up and running though, though may change the focus of the content to more genral reader friendly things...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

RaNdOm musings, Decisions and Things...

Have you ever had the urge to just walk up to some random but seemingly cool person and just spill the beans, pour your heart out, tell them all, the hilarious random thoughts, strange realizations, deep secrets, childhood memories, family drama…just blurt it out, unwound and boundless from social constraints and norms of proper conversation making…regardless to the fact that they wont even know what your talking about or frankly care…?
Yeah, in that unpunctuated fashion too.

I guess that’s why we blog (those of us who fill our blogs with personal/fantasy content that is). Our blogs don’t give us the that WTF look, and aren’t inconvenienced by us in any way either! That’s partly the reason I think the service industry would be so much better if it was run entirely by robots. From the immigration and URA offices to Dominos pizzeria and supermarket stores. I mean no one really WaNtS to do those kind of jobs anyway, I mean if a dude didn’t have the option to do melancholy jobs like being a janitor, imagine what he would be doing? (well, that and if we lived in a society where we succeeded in life not on the connections and money we had but on merit, passion and hard work…) …in a parallel universe maybe.

If you can follow my train of thought here, and understand what I’m saying….drop me a comment. LoL

And no that’s not a cheap endorsement to get you to comment on my blog. (Its actually a clever jedi trick but if I explained it it wouldn’t work)

As you can probably already tell, my current state of mind is heavily concentrated.
I need a place to pour it out without any sieve diluting its…its…I dunno what it is, but till I figure it out, I wanna keep it the way it is!
I’ve decided.
This lil’platform I got here shall undergo a makeover…less personal blah more citizen journalistic material….
Thought it would be appropriate to end this era of my blog with the first topic I ever posted about: BlooD.

I’ve always thought theres a certain beauty about periods. Perhaps its because my first experience with the menstrual cycle was not a terrifying, omg-I think-I’m-dying-moment…I knew exactly what I was happening. Early sex education really is helpful you know, but it sure does take out the fun of the whole experience.
Well around the same time a year later, I still find periods beautiful. Still not pregnant either, but maybe that’s just because I just haven’t been having sex this time round.

^_^

Sunday, September 27, 2009

On & On & On & On....

So i've been thinking of deleting or more like "deactivating" this blog...then I read my sidebar badu quote and remembered that i gotta keep this chiper rolling...On & On & On & On...

Then i thought of making it private because theres been alot on my mind and just putting it out there may be a little risky, never know whos reading, then i realised no one hardly ever visits my page and for those of you who do, like 99% dont know me in the real world so i was like yeah fuck it....still, an aunty or two do know i have a blog out their somewhere....to go ahead and share red pepper intimate details of the inner workings and happenings of my life or not???

Anyways, felt like a RaNdOm post so hey, here goes:

Toying with the idea of getting a tattoo, actually always wanted one but i'm very sure now. If i could i would get Kat from Miami ink to do it because shes fuckin awesome, but hey, any decent place would do...

I love this Erykah Ankh, like i love all things BaDu, but more especially i love the way Emek designed this...so symbolic! Its represents alot of things but what strikes me most is the joining of man and woman, life and death, immortality...balance. Its a beautiful symbol from the earliest (recorded) african civilizations, and i love how Emek managed to incorporate an angelic afro in there too! ...instead of "erykah" though, i would have the word "Kirabo", another one of my names that mean gift, the joining of man and woman, life and death, all these are gifts, and as a woman, a life giver, i am a gift.

I think i'd live it on either my leg just above my ankle or behind my neck extending to my lower back...now i would have it there no doubt but my dreads arnt long enough yet and it sure would attract alot of attention, especially back home...

Then of course is the issue of my mum's disapproval...she just may chop off my entire leg...so the tattoo may have to wait till i'm done with school and dont need her financially...lol.
Yes children are evil like that. Didnt you read King Lear? its like a second nature to us after we grow up and get minds of our own, thats why animals abandon thier kids after they old enough to survive for their own....

If your into urban poster art culture you have to check Emek out, he's like my all time favourite graphic designer /mentor who does the most amazing art work from audio slave, the distillers to Dave Mathews band including badu of course...he's work is political, versatile and genius! (He's parents were both artists so it sorta explains he's amazing talents).

anyways...i had lot more to say but still contemplating whether to make this blog private or not...
Its not so much about having followers, though its cool to get peoples opinions and view on stuff, but more about having an e-journal with my life in easy to browse archives, PLUS you can put images, videos, music and links too, as opposed to the traditional paper and pen.....think i'll stick with my digital ink!


hmmmmmm

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The sweetest "I-Miss-You" ...EVER! ^_^

Izzy.k: brb
Izzy.k: need to...nevermind
oxy_tim: r u back?
Izzy.k: i'm back!
oxy_tim: cool
Izzy.k: miss me? :-)
oxy_tim: not exactly
Izzy.k: lol...

oxy_tim: my heart was collapsing,
oxy_tim: my brain was transfixed
oxy_tim: my muscles werent responding
oxy_tim: only my eyes,
oxy_tim: they kept on looking
oxy_tim: at the blank screen
oxy_tim: just awainting the buzz, the ping
oxy_tim: before life would rebegin
oxy_tim: then liz came back it
oxy_tim: *in
oxy_tim: mind body and soul,
oxy_tim: i knew wat i was lacking
oxy_tim: {if thats wat u call missing} then yes i did miss u

***
Awwww! the sweetest most sponteneous poetic reply i've ever got...just had to post it on my blog in its raw form with all its essensce so that i can go back and read it again, and then blush to myself...
^_^

Thursday, September 17, 2009

This one is for Baba...

LOL!!!

This had mullmeister written all over it...

...if you liked, check this blog out, its not all blasphemous, lol, its got a bunch of interesting stuff, great to go through when your in the mood for a little dark humour...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

following my dreams...or just dreaming?

Finally started Uni this week. A month late. My class is dope though, most of the assignments are fun, like taking photos of real life objects that look like letters and making the alphabet in these series of photos (Typography class) but alot of work, like 40 drawings on human anatomy, 20 in pencil, 20 in colour pencil (Illustration class). I’m not complaining though, I mean I don’t have any textbooks or anything!!

Although it has taken a toll on my hours of sleep and blogging time…

I’m doing professional design (visual communication) if your wondering. What for? So I could become an art director or something cool like that. maybe I’ll take King on his offer if it still stands…

Most of my family still doesn’t get why I’m doing this course. Everybody would be much more at peace if I was doing law or some other traditional course like that. Its an age old question though, whether creativity and art is really worth it, or if its just for those who cant do real things like ‘science’.
Psh.
Well this short video explains what I was going to say in writing, in form of an experiment. (Scientists know all about experimentation)…lol.
I saved you the long read, so the least you could do is check this out...



"rad to the power of sick!!" LoL...cool. all shot on a phone camera btw...

* * *

Theres no other feeling in the world as satisfying and worthwhile (at least to me) as creation.
Giving life to something...from text.....to dreams... (babies too-lol)

Trying to make a career out of that.
Following my dreams...or just dreaming???

Saturday, August 29, 2009

only if i could just show you instead of tell you...

I’ve been in transit for the past week, so haven’t had time to blog, or write or do much apart from eat sleep and shuffle about…even if I had the chance to steal a few minutes of my cyber time, I wouldn’t know where to start, what to mention and what to leave out…I tried, but after typing out a decent sized paragraph I would backspace it all…perhaps if I had another medium other than writing…

If I could film the past few days and add a video post onto this blog I would post one of those first person view scenes (but my torso, legs, arms and hands on this laptop would still be included in the shot, okay unless I was eating or something, but it would still remain in the shot somehow…after all, it is portable…lol) and this would remain constant, like a frame, but everything else would be moving and happening in fast forward and the backdrop ever-changing but less fluid than the foreground, more like stop motion…

It would go from my unusually empty bedroom in Uganda in the begging of the scene, semi packed luggage spewed on the floor and it’d be raining outside (it really was when I left). I would start typing something then get interrupted by background sound of the car to the airport hooting and my mum shouting about missing the fight…

Fast-forward through the journey in-between, a kaleidoscope of airport scenes from the lake fly infested Ugandan one to the dazzling lights and aerotrain (in the freaking airport) in Malaysia, not forgetting the 2 day stopover in U.A.E, the road trip and changing colour of sand between Duabi and Al Ain… till it slows down to this very moment:

Seated in the living room of my semi furnished messy apartment, stack of cardboard boxes of DIY furniture and kitchen appliances in the back, 2pm, Malaysia, raining outside. (it really did, and it felt sort of eerie because the last time it rained I was at home in Uganda, now I’m at my new home, in Malaysia…felt somehow significant…)


(Note to self: I really should get a camcorder…)




P.S. Cant believe I almost forgot to mention, I live in a place called Cyberjaya (its like a student town, with a suburbia-like feel…shall blog about it later), and the apartment estate I live in is called Cyber Heights…seriously…CYBER HEIGHTS …*Delighted LoL*…can’t get enough of saying that!






Cyber Heights…

O(^_^)o

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Infidelity.

Some sins sometimes feel too big to forgive. With chronic consequences like Adam and Eve…

How do you begin to explain or justify the inexcusable…

Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day; when you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces?

Make it look like I was framed when reality is that I set myself up, and fell for it too.

It wasn’t premeditated but preventable…I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way!


How do you explain (even to yourself) that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were sober as a priest?

Shit happens…when you let it.
Why, now that’s the unexplained part…

How do I always end up the heartless bitch yet I started off with good intentions?!

How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?...or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate?

Now I know why the conservatives encourage youth not to get into relationships (especially sexual ones) at a young age, (but my big headed smart ass had to find this out-well more like confirm since I was warned-the hard way ) and not to date a lot but rather settle down with one person quickly…experience in love is scaring.

Growing pains perhaps…or battle wounds?

Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too…

Friday, August 7, 2009

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT OF GREAT IMPORTNCE

OMG OMG OMG!!!!
Guess what y'all?
I heard this from the Normzo :
Did you know that today August 7, 2009 at 12 hours 34 minutes and 56 seconds the time
The date will be: 12:34:56 07/08/09
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
This will never happen in our life again!!!
The immense significance of this fact is too much for my tiny female adolocent brain to comprehend...
Go figure!!!

WHY wont they GROW !?!

I started growing my dreadlocks January this year (actually already had my first twist last week of December last year), and it’s now midyear and they're not as long as I hoped they would be by now...I thought hair was meant to grow faster in dreadlocks?!

I’ve read up on maintaining them and all, got the non-residue shampoo and wax, wash once regularly and attempt a palm roll when they get messy and when they get too messy I go for retwisting (doing it all by myself would take ridiculously long!)...maybe I’m missing a step or something? Or just need to be patient...it’s just disappointing where I’m at with my hair.

I want to get them a bit thicker, fuller and even (what’s up with the 'knotty bump/lump' after the retwist that marks sort of the last time I twisted them-is that normal?)

I hear 27th comrade has dreads...is that true? How long did it take for you to grow them to shoulder length, or to hold a puff? Did u have knotty bumps in them too after retwist? What twist technique do you use to touch up on them when they get messy? What saloon do you go to for retwisting???

My mum is always bugging me to get my dreads out and get a perm like "other normal girls". I'm not normal. And I’m determined to show her that dreads can be just as elegant as permed hair! ts proven to be quite hard (no one told me they needed this much maintenance!), but I’m not giving up on it!

It’s not that I’m being difficult or rebellious in any way. That’s not why I chose to lock my hair instead of perm it.

I chose dreads because frankly its one of the most real and healthy hairstyles one can have! I've tried most other black female hairstyles before (apart from weaves or extensions), and had some issues with them:

My biggest problem with perms is the chemicals, that stuff burns and makes hair thin and break at a certain length and smells nasty (or so according to my experience with it). Plus it just doesn’t feel right...African hair is meant to be thick, textured...not flat and limp...and since I’m light skinned, this particular hairstyle would not help my "muzungu reputation" which I try so hard to smother! LoL!

That automatically kicks out weaves for me, if I already feel fake (and bald) with straightened hair, imagine how being in a weave would be like! Hot and itchy (or so I’ve heard). The worst weaves tho are those afro ones…seriously, if your black, an afro comes easy, you don’t need to get a fake afro weave?! WTF?! And as for hot combing intense heat is not got to apply to hair…I’ve never been comfortable with that smell of burning hair! Plus it doesn’t last very long…if you want to straighten your hair, do it right…its like if you want to kill yourself, don’t cut your wrists and think a little blood will bring death, blow your brains out!!!

Which takes me to braids. Now these are pretty cool, and I had my hair in them a lot before…its just that I hate how every braider always wants to do the tiny sized ones (even if you ask them to do it big, they never do them that big) and oh my goodness does it hurt like hell! Not to mention that it takes ages too! Too much braiding also thins hair. There’s a time after braiding my scalp and hair line broke out in tiny painful bumps…it looked horrible and hurt too but it was just my scalps way of saying that my braids were too tight , my body was rejecting my hairstyle. So I listened and never did them again…

Had short hair too but it just gets boring…that’s when I decided on dreads…no chemicals, its not tight, and its my natural hair, which knots naturally anyways if I leave it!


I know that being black is not about kinky hair and head wraps or wearing African print and traditional outfits....but hell, it sure does help!!!

Seriously, that’s just what people who have never been called muzungu in their lives say to console confused souls like us(me?)...as much as we would like to claim we solely define who we are, society, environment/situation and media also affect the shaping of our identity (more than we would like to admit)!

Since self-image/ the way we present ourselves is meant to be a self reflection of who one is, not to mention its all the rage these days; why not use it to strengthen our identity and define who we are?

There’s a time in my life when I didn’t care what I looked like, (Tomboy days) but now I realize that that was oh so naïve! I’ve learnt not to underestimate image, psychology proves that non verbal communication which includes image as well as body language is several times stronger than verbal communication! I’ve actually witnessed and experienced this now and can testify to it. Its not so much how they look physically but the way someone presents themselves, that matters a lot, and also says a lot about them.

Since people can’t see who you are on the inside, you have to find a way to translate it on the outside, and to synchronize your interior with your exterior is the true art of living peacefully and at one with yourself A.K.A the art of keeping it real…A bit like feng shui (pronounced ‘fung shway’)- arranging and rearranging yourself till you’re in touch with your inner Qi (pronounced ‘chi’) and hence achieve a sense of balance, peace and positive energy ! *Chinese monk like Gong sounds in the distance* LoL!

Anyways, I just feel like the whole straight wanabe-white hair thing is fake, a side effect of colonization, like why is straightened hair more sophisticated and classy than natural kinky hair? Why is it considered more difficult? Because keeping African hair straight also has its problems…maybe the reason African hair is difficult is because we keep treating it like white hair?! It really annoys me! (like the whole light skinned African woman phenomenon).

Our aesthetics have really been molested by the west! I’m not saying that those of you African women with wanabe-white hair are fake (no offense intended), just victims of conditioning…or perhaps it’s just me being a ‘teenager’ trying to define boundaries and being extreme as I’ve very often been told by ‘adults’. (this means you can’t pull this comment btw, I’ve just blocked and countered it. BOOYAH!)

Have you ever stopped and wondered why you wear certain things in a certain way? Or why you like certain things? Sometimes the answers you come up with are…controversial…uncomfortable to admit true…or just bring up more questions (like in my case)?!

Either way it’s always enlightening.

Check this out, got it from Malcolm (without the X) LoL.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Open-Mindedness

And now a chaser of logic for my previous double shots of religion/spirituality....

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Salvation (part 2)

One of my life mottos has been that I will try anything, at least once. This has consequently made my bucket list pretty damn long! But it has also provided me with opportunities to experience so many things that have undoubtedly scared as well as enlightened me.

I’m only 18. I’m not claiming to have ‘been there, done that, got the slovenlier T-shirt’, but the few years I’ve been alive have definitely been interesting…

Sticking to the motto, I thought I would give getting saved a try. I know most peoples reaction to ‘getting saved’ is a cringe they often (unsuccessfully) try to conceal. I was like that too, because we’ve all heard the stories of crazy jesus freaks and saved fanatics who went over the edge of sanity, we’ve heard of the pedophilic pastors molesting young boys, we’ve heard of the corruption and misuse of the church money, we’ve heard of (seen and know) the hypocrites who live sinful lives but still attend church every Sunday as well as those who are condemning and ‘holier than thou’ …its enough to make one lose faith in the church, Christianity, God even!
But I’ve tried drugs and other things often shunned upon by society, so getting saved wouldn’t be much different, considering what I’ve tried in the past!

Plus if religion is the opium of the masses, and reality is grim and stained, I would quite frankly prefer to be high and deluded off religion than sober and somber !!

There is a reason religion is likened to a drug. And I’m not just meaning Christianity. There’s just something so uplifting, peaceful, inspiring and mind blowing about it. I believe being high is a beautiful thing. So far, there are two ways I know how to get into this blissful slice of hevean. The first is drugs. The second is a spiritual relationship with God (who ever he is to you, to me the Christian God).

The only reason it would be more advisable to choose the latter not the first is: Drugs may take you to that level, but it doesn’t last, and the more you use, the father away you get from it…you start to having ‘bad trips’, and the biological/physiological/psychological/social side effects start to kick in, then it becomes hell! It’s all fake and illusion…But with God, it’s real, and can last forever. Although it does have its side effects too, just look up II timothy ch1 vs 8, II Corinthians ch1 vs 6, Romans Ch8 Vs 18 ( where did I get all this? The brilliant concordance at the back of the amplified bible, its like a mini biblical exycolpedia which refers you to relevant parts in the bible. I recommend it!)

I’m yet to reach a constant high in Christ…will let you know and compare if my hypothesis is right. (^_^) LoL

The whole experience of getting saved was pretty cool. Although it was at first a half conscience decision. LoL, actually what happened was that they told us to close our eyes and bow our heads…then raise your hand if your not saved. Being the smartass I was I didn’t, knowing that they were gonna call em up to get saved…then they asked those who had lost faith and basicly thought church was full of bull…I did…then they told us to stand up and come to the front. I thought about just seating my ass back down but since by now everyone was looking, I thought I would just go. I’ve never gone up to the front of the church (I have a permanent seat at the back row) so I thought it couldn’t get so bad. So I went.

Closed my eyes the whole time, because it would have been scarier to have them open. My heart was pounding and as I was listening to what was going on, a rise of mummers began to build. Everyone was I guess saying their own prayer to god (for us?) …no music or instruments, just voices…some dude was saying incoherent things near the front (tongues?)…the someone came to me, held my hands and prayed over me. He told me to focus only on his words…it all reached a passionate climax then slowly faded, the voices, the prayer…It felt pretty awesome. The only way I can describe it is as ‘an energy’. Like at a concert, just as the performer comes on stage…that build up mummer of voices…excitement…everyone’s attention and focus on one thing…a collective energy.

It was the first time I had ever felt something at church (apart from drooping eye lids, sleep induced from utter boredom and irritation at sitting for long hours in a crowded place – the reason I don’t go to church on big holidays like Christmas or Easter).
For the first time I felt something . The presence of God? My first dose (more like taste) of a spiritual high? Salvation?

I think I’m on to something…do u??

Friday, July 31, 2009

Salvation (Part one)

It all started the day my notorious younger brother was caught sneaking back into the house, bloodshot eyes and sheepish grin, in the middle of the fuckin day!

The sheriff gave him an option at the show down, either they were to deal with this the easy way or hard way…luckily he wasn’t too doped up to decide to go down the hard way, and turned himself in. Hes sentence: regular attendance to church fellowships, and I was appointed the probation officer who had to make sure he actually attended these fellowships.

At times I didn’t know who the felony was, me or him? Because we both ended up having to attend church fellowships. No excuses…but I guess it was better than him being locked up, so I’m not complaining. But I was pretty pissed off having to sacrifice my Tuesday and Thursday evenings just to keep an eye on him. After all I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be serving the punishment!

You know how they say that good things can come out of bad things/situations sometimes. Well, I guess it applies to this particular situation, because it ended up being me who found salvation!!

The more I went for these fellowships, the more I started to gain out of them. Somethings they said really did strike me, and got me thinking about this whole religion thing. Hell, I felt like I was on to something , I even ended up inviting them! (yeah, maybe God can help clarify how to sort out my little love triangle mess) anyways, the more I attended, and listened and participated, the more I started asking myself whether I was missing out on something…

Currently I did feel like I was missing something. The prospect of going out and alcohol getting high and partying had started to pale…maybe my mum’s strict house rules and policy towards night life is starting to get to me…maybe its because every time I used to sneak out, and despite how long I would stay out, it just wasn’t ever really that much fun! (I mean if you take away the intoxication and hype…is whats left really fun?)…maybe its because the high never lasted, never is as sweet as it was, and left you with an empty douche bag feeling along with a throbbing head and nauseous feeling the next morning? Maybe I’ve gotten over the demand characteristics peer pressure and the media evoke in teens? Somehow that shit just doesn’t do it for me. Yesterday a friend was inviting me for a drink up at her crib (parents were out) and it was so possible for me to go, but I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home.

That’s not saying I now prefer to spend my weekend nights at home, in fact sometimes I would much rather be out having good old senseless, possibly-harmful, underage sinful fun! Its just easier to chose that. That’s just the way it is in the 21 century. And I’ve just been feeling like I have a choice between plain old nothing and nothing (which seems like something), and I’m tired of that…

I’m seeking something more…a new high perhaps? (LSD-lol?!)…GoD?? Maybe I need a new puppy!?

Theres one particular sermon someone was giving, about the power of belief. He asked us what would have happened if Jesus had jumped (that time the devil led him to the cliff and challenged him to jump, after all he was God’s son and there would have been angles to catch him). I had never thought of the significance of his not jumping. If he had…he would have fallen, and died. Son of God would have committed suicide and died a poor foolish man. No doubt. Its just like how whenever we call god out asking him to prove himself:

“GoD! Throw a thunderbolt or something, I dare you! Give me a sign you exist….*Nothing*….yeah, that’s what I thought!!”

(You know those moments!) nothing ever does happen. Why? Because God doesn’t need to prove himself to us mere mortals! He used to, back in the day, but even then, when people could see, hear, feel God, they still never got it, we would still doubt him, and still preferred to turn to man made idols. We still don’t get it even today!

How can something prove itself if you doubt it even exists? Doubt is powerful, its mentally crippling! If you don’t believe you can do something, chances are that you wont! Even if you can, and are capable of something, if you don’t believe you can, you wont! Its exactly the same way with God. If you doubt him, doubt his existence, doubt his power, he definitely wont be able to be present in your life, if you don’t let him. How do you expect to welcome someone into your house if you keep the door shut and locked? Then you sulk and claim that you have no friends, and no one ever comes to visit! LoL!

It all comes down to belief. Faith is the most stressed and emphasized thing in Christianity because faith is belief without doubt. Even the smallest bit of doubt can put great limitations on yourself…and God. And the devil knows this all too well....

He’s been using this since the beginning of time! The snake in the garden of Eden planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind…she began to question God. God had told Adam that he would provide all they ever needed, everything in the garden was theirs, they just had to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Apparently Eve wasn’t yet created when he told this to Adam. So she began to question if he even ever said it at all…she began to question whether they did really have it all, what God was keeping from them…suddenly the forbidden fruit which she had never even taken much notice of started to look tempting. See the power of doubt? It can change the way you look at things, turn your whole world upside down! And as Eve fell for the temptation and let the doubt get the best of her, so have many other people in the bible, even Jesus the son of God had to face the same temptation and doubt, we do so too, quite a lot these days!

The devil still uses the same old tricks, and we to often still fall for them!

This particular sermon really got me thinking (as you can obliviously see- scroll up). If all it takes is blind faith, all I have to do is believe it without a shimmer of doubt, and all of the things of the kingdom of God, eternal peace and enlightenment shall be at my finger tips…I thought why not!?

Its not like I’ve got anything of much worth going for me here on earth. I thought, if he is willing to take me as I am, the habitual sinner, indecisive, selfish, gullible little girl that I am, forgive me, love me unconditionally, bless me and let me grow, bloom, and flower…why shouldn’t I let him. Let go and Let God. Why not?...sound pretty fuckin’ awesome to me!!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

So...

Its been a while.

So instead of doing one of those looong catching up posts I’ll just break it down, for you, but mainly for me, because I cant be bothered to type it all out. Infact, most of what I want to say isn’t even in coherent paragraph essay form, so I’ll just compile various thoughts, flashbacks and facebook statuses. :-P



I’ve never liked nickeback, it borderlines corny country too much and most of their songs all sound the same, but heard a particular song I actually liked, it went something like “I like you best with your pants round your feet…dirt on your knees”…? Anyone know what it’s called?


I think we have the oldest multichoice decoder ever, you remember the first bulky black ones? No wonder why it keeps hanging if you change the channels too fast!


Exam Results come out 20th August…*biting fingernails*


We have a mouse in the house!! (I say mouse, not rat cause its small n very fast, but could be a baby rat, but haven’t yet gotten close enough to it to confirm) it chewed the PS2 cable, luckily it still works but if you make the slightest movement (difficult not to when you’re playing PS2!), it blacks out!...so annoying!


I got saved. (clap for me!!) lol. Seriously, it was quite an experience, one that deserves a blog post of its own…watch this space.


Decided to pick up music again, got myself a good old Yamaha acoustic, (which I’m yet to pimp out), and thought I would expand my limited C/G/F/D chord knowledge, so signed up to some lessons at Kampala music school (Place hasn’t changed at all from close to 14/15 years ago when I used to be forced to go for piano lessons as a kid, like all ‘good-little-suburbian-girls’ it was so nostalgic!) was praying to get a cool teacher, instead got an eccentric dude who apparently is the head of a church choir yet cant sing to save his life! LoL at least he’s not boring!


I need a GOOD CD burner that can convert music 2 mp3, is user friendly, with flexible playlists, reliable and fast!...is that too much 2 ask 4?!


There was a random puppy hanging around our gate few days ago. So we let it in, it was so thin, and wouldn’t eat…we washed it, called the vet who gave it some shots, prayed over it, and let it fall asleep on our porch. Next morning, checked up on it immediately I got out of bed, it was dead. I only new it for a day, but omg, can never get used to the sight of dead dogs. Especially puppies. Another dead dog addition to the back yard. Though it got me thinking…partly inspired this.


Dedicated to J***** - “…Who gave you permission to rearrange me? Certainly not me! Who told you it was alright to love me? Certainly not me! I was not looking for a love affair…” Certainly -Erykah badu. Like seriously dude?! WTF?!


Oh btw, not telling the people close to me (whom do not read this blog) that I’ve picked up guitar…not even my boyfy, decided to keep it a closet habit until I get good…probably for the next month…trying to avoid those awkward "Play-for-me" moments


Now I truely believe that corruption in this country has become institutionalized!!! its a shame theres no other way to get things done other than slipping some money under the counter!


Recently I’ve had the urge to go camping! Turns out my youth fellowship I now religiously attend is organizing one, only problem is that I don’t really know people there, which I don’t mind, but I doubt any of the other girls are willing to really rough it and spend the night in a tent with me…but figured that since this opportunity just randomly came up, I shall also randomly find a girl to spend the night with (in a tent I mean!)


Whatever happened to Johnny Knoxville? And the whole jackass crew for that matter? After that dude died, I mean?... Saw some clip of Stevo totally trashed on some talk show…funny but not cool..who shows up for an interview talk show wasted? ! seriously! And did Bam Magera finally get married? Gosh I miss those shows!


Remember how I was praising Ngozi Okonjo Iwela for taking Nigeria (which was the first African country) out of debt? Well, I recently heard their current financial minister announce they were back in the red zone. Damn. One step forward, two steps back!


My uncle gets out of rehab this week. He was supposed to be released on Thursday but they don’t release people on the weekends because they end up binging and and returning the following Monday for another 6 months! Eish!


Situation is a bitch. Unfair how kids younger than my young brother are allowed to go out yet I, the “technically adult”, has a curfew of midnight, and that’s on good nights, most times I’m expected to keep my ass at home! Why?!


Now would be a good time to be abducted by aliens. If you’re out there, I’m ready. Seriously.


My GCSE (O’Level) and AS level certificates got fucked up. And Cambridge doesn’t send copies of the original. I had never realized how much importance we put to damn pieces of paper. This has seriously made university applications that much more difficult! …anyone know of a person or place with good graphic skills who can help reconstruct my certificates, so at least I have ”photocopies” of the originals…(have them scanned but they need some work)…HELP?!


Finished Jny23’s painting today...next? ;-)


Saw my neighbor pull off some hardcore twisted upside down yoga positions today…damn, felt like I was the one going through the workout just watching him! (topless-heehee!)


Casual sex…hmmm. I feel like I’m not getting the whole story behind this ‘phenomena’. There must be strings attached that no one ever mentions…

I guess it sort of ended up being a long-ish post!
ah well...

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Real Shit!!!

Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

This is anti-autotune, death of the ringtone
This ain’t for Itunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera,
bring a blonde
Preferably with a fat ass who can sing a song

Wrong, this ain’t politically correct
This might offend my political connects
My rap’s don’t have melodies
This shit make jackers wanna go n commit felonies
Ah, get your chain tooken
I may do it myself, I’m so Brooklyn
I know we facin a recession
But the music yall makin gonna make it the great depression

Ah, or your lack of aggression
Pull your skirt back down, grow a set men
Ah, ah.. nigga this just violent
This is death of autotune, ah moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin….begin

Holdup, this ain’t a number 1 record
This is
practically assault with a deadly weapon
I made this just for Flex n Mrs. C,
I want niggas to feel threatened
Stop your blood clot crying
The kid the dog everybody dying
No lyin, your niggas’ jeans too tight
Your colors too bright, your voice too light
I might wear black four years straight,
I might bring back Versace shades,
This ain’t for Z100
Ye told me to kill yall to keep it 100
This is for Hot 9-7
The shit for clue for Khaled, for we the best n’
Nigga this shit violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence…

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

Holdup, this shit need a verse from Jeezy…ay!
I might send this to the mixtape
Weezy
Get somebody from BMF to talk on this
Give this to a Blood, let a Crip walk on it
Get me foul to style on this
I just don’t need nobody to smile on this
You niggas singin too much,
Get back to rap you T-Pain’n too much

Ah, I’m a multi-millionaire
So how is it I’m still the hardest nigga here?
I don’t be in the project hallway
Talkin’ bout how I be in the project all day
That sounds stupid to me,
If you a gangsta, this is how you prove it to me
Yeah, just get violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

OMG!

All hail Jay-Z!!

Couldn't have said it any better!

The live band, raw un-tuned la da da da, the punch lines, flow, wake-up-call lyrics, chiller-top-nigga-swagga,the explostions, the REALness...I loved it!

Now for all those who dont know, this is real hiphop! not hipPOP or hipHYPE like y'all used to listening too! Damn.

*Standing Ovation*

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

I had an extremely enlightening conversation today, surprisingly, it was with my mother.

You know how I was bitching about how messed up the system is and African politics is in my last post?
Well, Willpress had rightly mentioned in the comments that: “Unfortunately the most important term in African politics is "the grassroots".”
That’s true, and the reason I thought someone like me, despite how passionate I am about the matter, would never have a chance to ‘fix things’ in politics in my own country.
However, after talking to my mum, I suddenly realized that the situation may not be as hopeless as I first thought it to be…although it could just be my mother talking (you know how mothers are, with their comforting lies).
She stated that perhaps the biggest reason African politicians are as selfish and apathetic to problems of poverty and corruption is because they know it all too well.

Most African politicians, especially here, are from humble backgrounds and have experienced poverty, on a personal level, so that once they are in power, the do as much to disassociate themselves with it. They reach a point where seeing their people suffer in familiar poverty stricken situations, it simply no longer touches them! It sounds absurd at first (seriously, these are the people who should know very well what issues the common man is faced with) but it makes perfect sense if you think about it.

Its like how we (well, the TV generation) are apathetic about things like violence, because we see it all the time on TV, from a young age, such as in cartoons like Tom and Jerry (which is an extremely violent cartoon, amongst others children find delight in), pre-teen slap stick comedy (I never found the humour in this by the way) to adult action movies, so by the time you see a dead person on the road in the midst of an accident or mob justice scene, its (sometimes) shocking at first but you forget about it after you edge past the small crowd and commotion!
By the time you reach home you’ve most likely forgotten about it! No big deal, after all you’ve seen worse and more dramatic on TV!

I often laugh at my mum when she gasps in shock when watching an action flick, or when she crys during a sad true life drama! LoL, I mean, its not that I don’t feel the moment, its just that I’ve seen too many to make me jump or shed a tear. I’ve become used to it. Apathetic, even. ( I now have to watch horrors and thrillers at night inorder to feel the least bit spooked!)
It’s sorta the same thing with our current politicians.

Perhaps then there is hope; for the new generation of educated suburban youth (like myself), who are just acquaintances of poverty. Who have always had what they wanted (in moderation of'course) so they are not greedy once in a position of wealth, who are still shocked and horrified at stories of famine, most importantly who have new green ideas on changing and redirecting their nations!?


Today’s headlines read:
“FAMINE KILLS 35, Three million on the brink of starvation as crisis deepens” (Daily Monitor July 8 2009).
And to think, I skipped dinner today because I was full…

As expected, these areas were in the north and east, I say this because where I’m from (the west) people may not be that wealthy, but they always have food to eat. I also can’t ignore the fact that the big shot politicians and people in government (President included) are also from the west. You just can’t help but get the feeling that they don’t care…which is a damn shame and beats the point of having a government! I mean really, if a government cannot deal with basic need such as hunger, then really what are they doing?

Some claim the problems lie with the locals of that area, or that the harvest seasons have not been good due to climate changes, but that is not the real cause of this.

My mum was telling me how when she was at university, brimful of ideas and concepts (much like me these days) she did her final thesis on appropriate land use, focusing on how the locals could use the land, and various soils to grow different commercial produce to sell and make a living. Great idea, no?
Well, at the end of her project, an irritated muzeyi enlightened her that despite her concern and ideas, it wasn’t gonna change much. He assured her; “Don’t you think we’ve tried that? we have, and produced a lot of produce but it all perished! Look at our roads! Which pick up will bother to travel this far to collect our produce to take to sell?”
And rightly so pointed out that the REAL problem was not with land use but with the lack of infrastructure and available markets, which really is something they can’t do much about!

The issue of climate change too can be blamed on our governments!
The rate of deforestation and use of unsustainable methods of living is not given enough importance, yet it’s so vital!
Even more saddening is that Africa still hasn’t really caught on to this! I’ve heard people blame the big European countries and USA for causing global warming, and although they have greatly contributed to it, so have we!

When are we going to stop blaming the white man (I admit, there is indeed a certain thrill about doing so) and take responsibility! I mean we can continue to blame them, but it’s not like they will be tried in the international courts of justice (for one they run the courts-lol), and at the end of the day, they are still way better off than us!
In the recent past, Africans have taken up the role of their white masters and yet still continue to rape Africa! WTF is up with that?
Before the independence era, many of our ‘white masters’ thought we wouldn’t be able to run things without them, sadly, it seems we keep proving them right!... But that’s another topic for another day…

So back to the issue at hand, there are numerous sustainable environmentally friendly methods the government can use to battle famine and poverty, for instance instead of cutting down firewood, like in most Asian countries like India, they use biogas digesters, which turns human excrement, cow dung, or kitchen garbage into fuel that can be used for cooking or generating electricity.
I mean if the government could afford to buy brand new expensive cars for CHOGUM, they surely can afford giving each village household a cow and these biogas digesters?! Its cheap, sustainable, and environmentally friendly, it not only tackles the issue of producing energy, but also is an excellent way to deal with waste (Which is another problem most African countries face). This would help reduce the rate of deforestation, which would stabilize the climate too.

Things have changed. We've been fucked and have fucked up too, and we need to fix it; originally most indigenous peoples (all over the world) rarely would stay in one place for long, because it would deplete the resources of the area, so they would move around, give the area time to replenish itself, and so a balance was kept. Now that civilization has forced us to settle, you find that people over use their land and do not give it time to replenish itself, and by altering this system, we cause problems such as famine. Now we need to fix it.

Its not rocket science. Hell if I can see this, I wonder why they can’t. Or perhaps they do, but just don’t care?? …Famine in Uganda? How? When the solution is so clear…?

You know I would rather live under an effective dictatorship for a few years than a so called democratic government that doesn’t do much. I know this is random but despite Hitler and Stalin’s harsh policies and crazy ideologies, they did what needed to be done, and neither Germany nor Russia can deny that they wouldn’t be where they were if it wasn’t for them.

Is it just me or is Uganda messed up?
Perhaps we need a dictator, not as absolute or crazy like Hitler or Stalin, but an enlightened dictator …like Paul Kagame…

Are we (yes you and me) really that helpless or have we just gotten too used to the way things are?

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

(Yeah, new word 4 your ass!)
I know I've been blogging some long-ass-heavy-shit recently, bare with me as it get it outta my system! i shall be back to my triva shallow self soon...lol!
*Bless*

Saturday, July 4, 2009

The "P" word / From Poetry to Politics...

Ushered at Justice Ogoola’s launch of his poetry anthology this past Friday (had nothing better to do, naturally) and couldn’t help noticing that the higher the status of the person(guest) the ruder and uncivilized they were! I found it embarrassing how a Judge or member of parliament can complain about standing in a queue to register before being escorted to their seats, exclaiming that they “weren’t used to such order”, WTF?! What do they do in parliament or court here? Scrabble for seats? LoL! And these are ment to be the "well traveled, intellectual, learned and cultured" group of Ugandans!

I have a lot of faith in politics, I believe and often quote the saying that everything (well most things) is political, and I’ve noticed that in Africa ,to bring about great change, one has to get involved in politics at one point or another, whether they like it or not. Also I believe there is a “great politician” in most of the greatest people in the world…but politicians like ours shoot down my whole concept of Politics! (I don’t blame President Obama for choosing west Africa, Ghana for his first visit to Africa over East Africa, Kenya!)

Although there is no academic consensus on the exact definition of "Politics", to me Politics is (or should be) the best method of collecting, organizing, using and governing a country’s resources (inclusive of manpower, natural resources etc) for the betterment of the people of that nation. Unfortunately, people have taken politics to be more of the the skill of gaining and maintaining power, which I personally feel beats the whole point of it. Power comes with leadership, which is merely a means of bettering the nation. Ideally, politics should be Righteous not Sleezy!
Yet again, so should being a religious leaders, yet these days when you think priest you think homosexual pedophilic molester! …damn, the world really is coming to an end!

A while ago I had wanted to do law, and get into the work of governance of my nation. Then I grew a little older and wiser? Tainted? Jaded? Not quite sure, but I thought against it.
Too often I have noticed that although people get into law and government for the right reasons, they quickly compromise their morals due to the crafty corruption riddled nature of African politics today. They go from being a man/woman for the people to becoming fat, egotistic animal-farm like pigs! Even if I was to join a big organization, like the UN or World Bank, the ridiculous level of procedures and in-between-stuff debase their efforts to a little more than nothing. They are simply not that practical, and you often find that their efforts are intercepted midway by this or that which prevent people from really benefiting from them.

During my GCSE’s /O Levels I joined and participated in the model united nations, which is held evry year at the UN quarters in Nairobi. (I was the Environmental delegate for Colombia) Basically its run entirely by teenagers and runs exactly like the actual real UN.
We wrote proposals, debated them out in the different chambers, a press corp. that produced a daily newspaper (also student run), dressed up, learnt all the proper UN debate lingo and procedures, (I even got my badge clipped for chewing gum! LoL) we even had pretend emergency situations in which we would be required to quickly think up of solutions!
It was fun, an unforgettable experience, but I realized that all the UN do is talk, draw up proposals, argue over the smallest most times insignificant things, are biased more by nation interests than the betterment of the world as a whole, and at the end of it all, they don’t really take effective action!

To make it worse, the comfy job which often offers the opportunity to work abroad and a fat salary eventually get to people, and they no longer care whether what they are doing really is helping people on the ground, back home. I don’t want to be caught up in that, that’s why I often say wherever life takes me, I will always come back home, and constantly remind myself not to get to comfy, there’s a lot of work to be done!

Still amidst all the bullshit, certain individuals manage to get things done. For instance today on the African Voices show on the BBC, they interviewed an African woman I have come to admire; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. She’s the former Minister of Finance and Minister of Foreign Affairs of Nigeria, current managing director of the World Bank. Despite the big titles, she seems to be a humble yet passionate Africanist lady. I did some more research on her and I‘ve found her inspirational. I admire her for two reasons:

1) She left her comfy World Bank job in Washington to come back to better serve her country as finance minister (2003-2006)

2) During her time as finance minister, she introduced some economic reforms which enabled greater fiscal transparency to combat corruption (a great problem a lot of African nations are failing to solve) Her reforms basically introduced the publishing of government spending/budget/allocation of money basically, which this enabled the people to see how much money was allocated to their local governments, and hence give them grounds on which to question why there were still pot holes in the roads, why the public schools were so under equipped, why their salaries haven’t risen and the general standard of life is worse despite the money being pumped into the area. This also puts pressure on the local governments to perform, and makes corruption harder to cover up. Excellent policy isn’t it?
After all, true change often comes from the bottom up, from the inside out...

So perhaps there is hope for politics, especially in Africa, although we are far from reaching the political ideals I mentioned before hand…

I was just wondering, whether it would be worth getting into politics.

Being a young African woman, who feels more comfortable speaking English than her own mother tongue, suburban born and raised…sometimes I feel helpless in the struggle to build and improve Africa, even in my own country.

Sometimes I wish I was born in the freedom fighter days, (born conveniently as a man) when all I had to do to join the struggle was to pick up a Gun.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

words 4 the day:

Life is but reason.
When we lose reason its like we're dead...


quoted from an SMS from TimTim

Friday, June 26, 2009

Jacko finally dead!


So i'm guessing y'all already heard about Micheal Jackson...

yeah, he finaly kicked the bucket. Honestly, i'm surprised he lived till 50! damn! but it was about time, dude was like the living dead...so outta touch with reality, he currently looked like a corpse, tryna steal young boy's childhood cause he didnt have one, showing up in court in PJ's...dude was losing it. he's better off dead! Just hope it wasnt like viagra or something that caused his cardiac aresst! LoL

Now, I'm not hating, just being real. I liked his music, definatly has some classics, like waaaay back then, but i cant honestly say i've listened to his music of recent! have you? Dont lie, when was the last time you listened to MJ (radio doesnt count)...yeah, thats what i thought. So i dont feel like calling him the 'greatest ever', when i didnt think that yesterday, just cause he died!

The truth is, MJ died looong ago. it all startd around age 5 when he decided to become white. I've never honestly really connected with his music. he is(was) only the king of pop afterall...no offence. Pop is flaky music, you just dance and click your fingers to it, not like its he deep or purposeful. (Hell, even the queer Elton john said more than MJ!!)
Anyways, he sure did create a stir, i'll give him props for that, and he revolutionised dance, music videos, and the style of pop music back then...but he aint the only one. Saying he's "THE greatest musicain ever" is a serious hype.

well, musically (which is the only way i respect MJ) this whole dead thing is really good publicity! Think about it, he will now move from "legend" to an "Icon", a level you can only reach when your dead. Also, there will be no more wacko stories about him molesting young boys, he will be immortalised as "The King Of Pop" and everyone will over look the pedophile, race traitor, mentally unstable faggot he truely was. it was the best possible career move.
BTW Did he ever do his last show ever yet? the one in UK i think?...could he even still dance or sing? (no offence again...just saying)

And its funny people should say stuff like, 'he's joined Tupac and Biggie in a better place' because they proberbly in hell! LoL! Seriously, Biggie did even say himself:

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodiesDressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies..."

and i doubt there's a separate heaven for musicians, which is based on how good you were, or how many records you sold. Infact i suspect most of those proclaimed semi-gods we call celebrities dont end up in the best of places. If you believe in such places...lol...reports state that he was already dead when paramedics found him, even though they took him to hospital and tried to revive him. i doubt its possible to pray for mercy while having a heart attack. Just saying.

I know its proper to show respect for the dead, so regardless, R.I.P Jacko

P.S. I wonder what his corpse would look like after a while? would it turn black again? LoL, didnt he have to have recent medication to maintain his white skin or something?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Rape me

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me again

am i the only one .IIIII [3x]
am i the Only one...

Hate me
Do it and do it again
Waste me
Rape me, my friend

am i the only one .IIIII [3x]
am ithe Only one...


My favorite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
I appreciate your concern
You're gonna stink and burn

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me, again

am i the only one ?, IIIII [3x]
am i the Only one?...

Rape me! (Rape me!)[8x]
Rape me!
One of my favorite Nirvana songs.

Been listening to them alot recently, its nice to listen to your old music, the CD's at the back of your CD case that you used to be at the front a few years ago. Somehow it doesn’t sound the same as it did, despite how many times you've listened to certain songs, it somehow always has new meaning, especially when you take a good long while before you listening to it again. (This only applies to good music though, and not blond wigged pop stars, they shall always be as shallow and cheesy every single time you listen to them.

Anyways, i've particularly been drawn to Rape Me of recent. Then, it used to be about virginity..."Am I the only one? i-i-i-i-i I'm i the only one?!" LoL! Now its about how manipulative those you call your friends are. I've suddenly realised how most people i call friends, arnt really friends. okay they are, but in the most shallow-est degree. Like Kurt Cobain at the time he wrote this, i've been feeling raped. Not just by those i call friends, but by life too. Some shit that has happened has left me feeling fucked, used abused and discarded.

Okay perhaps not as badly as it happened to Kurt but i can relate.

"Hate me, Do it and do it again, Waste me, Rape me, my friend"

Like Kurt i'm not pitying myself neither am i asking 4 pity, in a way i'm used to it. life is a bitch, she has her moments sometimes, but most time she just fucks with you! so what the hell, 'do it and do it again'.

I know that part about my favorite inside source is about how the media fucked him up, but to me it also means how the people closest to you are like 'an inside source' they are in a position to seriously expose you, they relish your vulnerability and insecurities "...kiss your open sores" and use those to really poke at you. those that are evil at least. and most people are, just to varying extents.

Perhaps i'm just in a really anti social mood, but it seems like everyone is a rapist...

some friend recently sent me a text like "I really want you, blah blah blah" and he ment it sexually, but thought it was funny or charming or sexy, i dunno. i felt so violated. wtf, sexually wanting me doesn’t mean shit to me! It might as well have been coming from a boda boda guy! I’ve totally re-evaluated our friendship, and he’s just another rapist.

Then yesterday, I was mingling with some guys, made an innocent enough comment about sex, and then this dude makes some loud comment about how i'm just “flaunting my 18-ness” and tryna act and get involved in adult things, said it in a really harsh way and i felt embarrassed. He was right I suppose, but I felt like he forcefully took a part of me (my so called“18-ness”) and exposed it. He didn’t have to do that.
(And now apparently i discover that limewire has created a hole in my firewall, for the whole wide web to fuck me through if they please! eish...thanx babis 4 lettin me know)

Perhaps I was asking for it..."Rape me"...like when women wear provocative sexually suggestive things and some guys use that to justify the rape.

Perhaps I’m just vulnerable at the moment.

Perhaps its this damn menstrual cycle!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The coin with the silver lining...

The car slowed as it reached the junction, waiting for the traffic light to turn Green. She looked over to her daughter, seated beside her in the front, and noticed she looked uncomfortable. As she began to inquire what was wrong, she followed her daughters gaze; that’s when she noticed the miniscule scrawny hands extended to her, slightly cupped together, the beggar’s gesture. She slightly held her breath and quickly fumbled over the buttons that pulled up the car windows.

“I hate these beggar children!” she exclaimed with a grimace. Her face screwed up out of edgy unease rather than anger. The sight of the malnourished tattered street children, some as young as two, struck deep in her. It hurt her. Made the car, the clothes, the lifestyle she and her family had seem obscene in comparison. Yet she knew there were much richer, right here, like the overweight lady in the Cream Mercedes in front of them, flashing her golden bangles and rings that draped her oversized hand that was crocked out of the car window. Or the man in the dark suite, laughing loudly on his blackberry in the car that towered behind them.
They seemed oblivious to the half naked begging child. It reminded them too much of the poverty they desperately escaped. The poverty they knew too well. So they conveniently avert their eyes. Roll up their windows to shut them out, at least for a while, until the traffic moved again.

But no matter how high the car, despite tightly sealed tinted windows and loud music over the car radio, they were unable to shut out the nagging yet faint voices of the beggars. “Mama…mama…aunty…lukumi…aunty…lukumi…”

Young and unexposed to the harshness of life, her daughter pleaded; “Mum, just give them 500 shillings…please, he’ll go away…just a single coin”. If she wouldn’t do it for the beggar child, she would do it for her daughter. To ease the discomfort from her face; it wasn’t making the situation any easier to deal with either. After all, what did she care what the street urchin did with the money. He could go buy drugs for all she cared; at least he would be able to escape his godforsaken existence just for a little while.

So she pulled her large Gucci bag to her laps and scratched for a coin in her purse, amongst large 20 and 50 thousand notes. She eventually pulled out a 200 shilling coin. That would do. As she began to roll down her window slowly, the street child became excited at her response. She had heard his pleas. He began to grab for the single simmering coin.The coin with a silver lining. His heightened reaction stuck panic in her, the feel of his boney, grimy fingers on her lotioned hand made her jump. She spastically tossed the coin.

It flew over the boys head and struck the ground in the middle of adjacent road. Increased heart beat made her deaf to her daughters screams, as he scrambled for it, on hands and bare feet, it struck. Like a single heart beat. Then speed off, departing with his life, flinging his bloody body to the side pavement. He lay, lifelessly limp, a dirty bundle covered in capitalist shit, clutching the shiny coin to his chest.

The man in the car behind began hooting impatiently at them.
The light had turned Green.




WRITERS NOTE: Decided to write something a little longer than my short poems...i guess i have more time on my hands these days. I didnt know where to blog this, but i figured 'in the middle' would be appropriate, after all, its about art...and stuff. lol. But since it looks odd there because its more text than that page is used too, i shall post it here too. Why? because i can. (and witnessed a similar occurance, but less graphic...hence it can apply to my "real life blog")

Bless

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Done. What now??

Graduated on Friday!
Officially done with high school!! YaY!
Although I’ve been in the same bloody school since primary, (I’m certain this has had irreversible negative effects on my socio-psychological wellbeing, but I’m yet to figure out what exactly) I am grateful for having had the chance to finish basic schooling, especially in an international school. I was literally counting down the days to graduation, now that I’m done, I don’t really know how to feel...I thought it was gonna be happening, mad crazy fun times, yet on Thursday night, I felt depressed.

Not that I really enjoyed school, but it was a constant in my life. Now without class or exams, I don’t really know what to do with myself. To make it worse don’t really know where I’m going. I know by this point I should but I still don’t, and knowing that is further adding to my panic! I guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind. The biggest issue being:

University.
Ideal in theory, but in real life its damn complicated! I know what I want to do, a course in media art and design that takes the more practical side. Animation, film, an aspect of entrepreneurship, hopefully shall lead me to advertising.
Okay what then: Where? If I could go anyplace I would want to go to Chicago or California (Just because i've always wanted to go there, lol), but failed to find the course I want in the universities there. Also that mean I have to sit SAT’s and possibly TOFFEL, and I’m so done with tests, especially maths! Plus its bloody expensive, especially for my mum. With my back ground, I would qualify for UK, but I find it a depressing cold grey country, no offence, never imagined myself there.
Where do I see myself? South Africa perhaps, but they don’t have the sort of course I want to do, and theres that whole race issue. Plus for international students you have to pay like four times the amount than local students (in the UK for instance), also making it bloody expensive, especially for my single mum.

Its just a degree. Don’t want to run her broke, she still has my bro to put through school. Okay, you may argue that since she put us through an international school, she must have the money. But I discovered its not exactly the case. I noticed sometime back that we never got invoices for school fees…turns out my dad had signed a contract with the school and paid all school fee’s for my brother and I, till the last class. He’s dead now, so didn’t get a chance to see me graduate. But I owe him my 13/14 years of schooling, even if he died like 6 years ago.

So what now? Scholarships?
Not as easy as it sounds, rarely given out to international student, in the uk, its note even for the whole tuition fee, just a small percentage, and usually you apply in your second year. Plus I don’t want to go there anyways!

To make this worse, my mum is determined on Malaysia.
Malaysia is okay I guess, its just its reputation of accepting people with the worst grades and having very racist Asians especially to blacks that I’m not comfortable with. Also, it has a harsh drug policy. I act like that doesn’t bother me when people bring it up but it doesn’t sit nicely with me. I like my freedom. Want to be able to smoke if I wanna smoke. Not that I smoke. Just saying. And if it has such a bad reputation, whats the point of even studying abroad, if its not to raise ones prestige and increase chances of employment. Might as well study here! Oh, I here Malaysia has too many Ugandans. Not that that bothers me, its just that I don’t want to be automatically put in a group, just because I’m Ugandan, I must be in the Ugandan group.

I dunno, perhaps I’m too picky.
I have the A’s and B’s, even the well rounded resume/cv/personal statement but I guess that’s not enough.
I feel like I was lied too, all that talk on how important grades were was bullshit.
Its so much more complicated than just knowing what I want to be and studying for the grades.

At first I had wanted a gap year, but now I need to get out of the house as soon as possible!
I cant wait for jan intakes, I gotta go this year! And I think I think theres still hope, before i settle for malaysia (grimaces)...

Germany.
I know I don’t speak German (yet), but the offers for international students are really fair! International students pay the same fees as German students - approximately £850 a year. In the UK, they pay an average of £9,540 a year!! Almost quadruple the amount! WTF!
Also its funny but now I think about it, I know quite a number of Germans, and its always no question with them where to go for university.(BTW, why is it that most biracial people in Uganda are half German? Whats up with that?!)

So anyways, I’ve been asking a lot of questions and doing some research, and think I’m gonna try Germany…preferably somewhere cosmopolitan and nigger friendly, like Munich…anyone with any relevant info on studying in Germany, would be nice to hear what you gotta say! Especially on life there, the stuff they don’t tell you on the websites!
Also wondering whether I should aim for a university or art academy…after all I want a specific course that most traditional universities don’t offer (Visual communication/multimedia art and design- the more experimental and research based the better)…are the awarded certificates the same in the end?

wünschen mir Glück!
LoL
*Bless*