I think I have a condition...ike that dude in the movie The curious case of Benjamin Button…although the difference is that although I may think like a 80 year old woman, I don’t look like one…lol. Seriously, I have had several remarks form various un-connected sources how I’m too old for my age.
I was watching old reruns of the Simpsons and they happened to show that episode where flanders realizes he is 60 something but hasn’t lived a day in his life, then they go to Vegas…(for you losers who don’t watch Simpsons or if you forgot or if you haven’t realized the importance of me landing on this particular episode! CLICK HERE BEFORE YOU READ ANYMORE)…to make it worse Everybody loves Raymond came on next and it was the episode when he goes through his mid life crisis…!!! (I felt like i was turning into a flounders of sorts :-S )
It felt like a sign.
You know, like when everything around you seems to be directly referring to a situation your currently going through?
I’m a sensitive person, I pick up on things happening around me, I deep think. I think I think too much, and that’s part of the problem! At my age I should technically be going wild: eighteen, apartment, university, not in the same country with relatives…yet I’m just going through the motions of life, cautiously…like a freaking 59 year old in the ending phase of their career.
Oxytim warned me about this. How I used to tell him all the crazy things I want to do when I leave home, and he would always say that I would be surprised that I wasn’t going to do even half the things he mentioned…I think I now see his point. Its hard to shake off old habits and behaviors you pick up when living at home. Like not getting too drunk because you know you’re going to face your mother at the end of the night, of getting nervous when it gets past midnight when you go out or looking around for that odd relative who may happen to see you and tell your mother. Now theres no mother in the picture anymore, but I still haven’t shaken off these habits…its strangling me!
Naturally I have a very bohemian spirit, I have impulses, but I act too much with head and not my heart…I partly blame the subjects I was so into during school: history, psychology and literature have made me too analytical! But mostly I blame this on upbringing. I used to rebel against what they wanted to mold me into back home, not because I’m big headed (okay maybe I am) but because I realized early that people always try to project their unfulfilled dreams onto you, then claim they want the best for you, which is a lie, the want you to be what they could not or want to be but aren’t quite close, hence really its not about what’s best for you, its about whats best for them, but since they cant do/have it they project it on a loved one or someone they think deserve it. Although most times its not really whats best for you.
My mother used to by me dresses when I was young and I would refuse to wear them, even on Sunday mornings, because frankly they were itchy, stiff and just didn’t feel right. And thus began my obsession with pants/trousers and shorts…and fear of dresses too! LoL! I’ve always been strong willed, but recently I think I was beginning to fold under my mothers will. You know how bakiga women are. They tough, and to make it worse, she’s a single parent too!
Cant believe I actually agreed to go to a Christian camp, for like a whole freaking week! And never used it as an opportunity to spend a week away from home doing some serious partying! That’s what I would have done like 2 years ago. Its amazing how much someone can change in just a year!
I might as well mention now that the being saved thing has officially gone out the window. The church thing only works when there is reinforcement from a pressure group, eg, like the fellowship I had began to attend. I really did try though…
I’ve gone from attending fellowship twice a week to living in an apartment with stoners…one is bound to drop and pick up habits.
Anyways, I think the universe has been trying to tell me something…I’m too old for my age. Its beyond being mature, its now being just plain senile! I don’t want to hit like 40 something and realize I missed out on my childhood!! If I’m already getting my mid life crisis now, what about when I turn 40?
Its like as if I’m married with my bu rings and long distance boyfriend, dress like I’ve lost my figure, don’t let go and do impulsive things like as if I may dislocate my hip or have med’s to take in the morning…Maybe I’m just deep thinking again, but I think I’ve struck a nerve. I don’t want to miss out on my “childhood”.
Forget next years resolution, as of now I’m going to go “blond”! Be stupidly impulsive, get high like I don’t have anything to do tomorrow (even if its just a Thursday night)…leave the house semi naked, it gets damn hot here anyways…speak my mind and say inappropriate stuff, I’m used to awkward moments anyways…wear heals and do the make-up thing (okay think I’ve taken it too far there, lol, Hell nooo!...maybe just a little….noooo….yesss???)…try a chemically based drug like cocaine, E, LSD, acid…have these blood pumping experience in shady areas, (like in sex on fire-Kings of Leon) one night stands I think they call them…lol. (I know my boyfriend may well possibly read this so just joking about the last comment there…but seriously, I wonder what they are like…). I’m going to get that tattoo I’ve been talking about, and piercings as well, and a sisha bong…
I have this urge to write a bucket list of sorts. If I was to die today it would be a damn shame because I basically haven’t done shit in life. Just think about shit mob!
I live in Babylon, was born and raised in Babylon, its about time I got to know the place, get one of those “I heart Babylon” tourist T-shirts. See, taste, experience Sodom, before all goes to hell…then maybe I can walk away from it all together without turning back one last time…see I think that dude had unfinished business there, that’s why he turned back and was turned to salt…(what part of the bible is that btw?, I should look it up before I start making up stuff! lol). I don’t want to get old and feel like I have unfinished business as well…
I think it’s time I got a life(outside my head). Moving out of the analytical thinking part of my brain and going to dwell more on the animalistic impulsive part.
As long as it feels good...
I’m tired of the restricted life. I’m pulling an Anikin Skywalker and moving to the darkside…hope I don’t emerge as a darth vader though… :-S