Salvation (Part one)

It all started the day my notorious younger brother was caught sneaking back into the house, bloodshot eyes and sheepish grin, in the middle of the fuckin day!

The sheriff gave him an option at the show down, either they were to deal with this the easy way or hard way…luckily he wasn’t too doped up to decide to go down the hard way, and turned himself in. Hes sentence: regular attendance to church fellowships, and I was appointed the probation officer who had to make sure he actually attended these fellowships.

At times I didn’t know who the felony was, me or him? Because we both ended up having to attend church fellowships. No excuses…but I guess it was better than him being locked up, so I’m not complaining. But I was pretty pissed off having to sacrifice my Tuesday and Thursday evenings just to keep an eye on him. After all I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be serving the punishment!

You know how they say that good things can come out of bad things/situations sometimes. Well, I guess it applies to this particular situation, because it ended up being me who found salvation!!

The more I went for these fellowships, the more I started to gain out of them. Somethings they said really did strike me, and got me thinking about this whole religion thing. Hell, I felt like I was on to something , I even ended up inviting them! (yeah, maybe God can help clarify how to sort out my little love triangle mess) anyways, the more I attended, and listened and participated, the more I started asking myself whether I was missing out on something…

Currently I did feel like I was missing something. The prospect of going out and alcohol getting high and partying had started to pale…maybe my mum’s strict house rules and policy towards night life is starting to get to me…maybe its because every time I used to sneak out, and despite how long I would stay out, it just wasn’t ever really that much fun! (I mean if you take away the intoxication and hype…is whats left really fun?)…maybe its because the high never lasted, never is as sweet as it was, and left you with an empty douche bag feeling along with a throbbing head and nauseous feeling the next morning? Maybe I’ve gotten over the demand characteristics peer pressure and the media evoke in teens? Somehow that shit just doesn’t do it for me. Yesterday a friend was inviting me for a drink up at her crib (parents were out) and it was so possible for me to go, but I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home.

That’s not saying I now prefer to spend my weekend nights at home, in fact sometimes I would much rather be out having good old senseless, possibly-harmful, underage sinful fun! Its just easier to chose that. That’s just the way it is in the 21 century. And I’ve just been feeling like I have a choice between plain old nothing and nothing (which seems like something), and I’m tired of that…

I’m seeking something more…a new high perhaps? (LSD-lol?!)…GoD?? Maybe I need a new puppy!?

Theres one particular sermon someone was giving, about the power of belief. He asked us what would have happened if Jesus had jumped (that time the devil led him to the cliff and challenged him to jump, after all he was God’s son and there would have been angles to catch him). I had never thought of the significance of his not jumping. If he had…he would have fallen, and died. Son of God would have committed suicide and died a poor foolish man. No doubt. Its just like how whenever we call god out asking him to prove himself:

“GoD! Throw a thunderbolt or something, I dare you! Give me a sign you exist….*Nothing*….yeah, that’s what I thought!!”

(You know those moments!) nothing ever does happen. Why? Because God doesn’t need to prove himself to us mere mortals! He used to, back in the day, but even then, when people could see, hear, feel God, they still never got it, we would still doubt him, and still preferred to turn to man made idols. We still don’t get it even today!

How can something prove itself if you doubt it even exists? Doubt is powerful, its mentally crippling! If you don’t believe you can do something, chances are that you wont! Even if you can, and are capable of something, if you don’t believe you can, you wont! Its exactly the same way with God. If you doubt him, doubt his existence, doubt his power, he definitely wont be able to be present in your life, if you don’t let him. How do you expect to welcome someone into your house if you keep the door shut and locked? Then you sulk and claim that you have no friends, and no one ever comes to visit! LoL!

It all comes down to belief. Faith is the most stressed and emphasized thing in Christianity because faith is belief without doubt. Even the smallest bit of doubt can put great limitations on yourself…and God. And the devil knows this all too well....

He’s been using this since the beginning of time! The snake in the garden of Eden planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind…she began to question God. God had told Adam that he would provide all they ever needed, everything in the garden was theirs, they just had to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Apparently Eve wasn’t yet created when he told this to Adam. So she began to question if he even ever said it at all…she began to question whether they did really have it all, what God was keeping from them…suddenly the forbidden fruit which she had never even taken much notice of started to look tempting. See the power of doubt? It can change the way you look at things, turn your whole world upside down! And as Eve fell for the temptation and let the doubt get the best of her, so have many other people in the bible, even Jesus the son of God had to face the same temptation and doubt, we do so too, quite a lot these days!

The devil still uses the same old tricks, and we to often still fall for them!

This particular sermon really got me thinking (as you can obliviously see- scroll up). If all it takes is blind faith, all I have to do is believe it without a shimmer of doubt, and all of the things of the kingdom of God, eternal peace and enlightenment shall be at my finger tips…I thought why not!?

Its not like I’ve got anything of much worth going for me here on earth. I thought, if he is willing to take me as I am, the habitual sinner, indecisive, selfish, gullible little girl that I am, forgive me, love me unconditionally, bless me and let me grow, bloom, and flower…why shouldn’t I let him. Let go and Let God. Why not?...sound pretty fuckin’ awesome to me!!!

So...

Its been a while.

So instead of doing one of those looong catching up posts I’ll just break it down, for you, but mainly for me, because I cant be bothered to type it all out. Infact, most of what I want to say isn’t even in coherent paragraph essay form, so I’ll just compile various thoughts, flashbacks and facebook statuses. :-P

I’ve never liked nickeback, it borderlines corny country too much and most of their songs all sound the same, but heard a particular song I actually liked, it went something like “I like you best with your pants round your feet…dirt on your knees”…? Anyone know what it’s called?


I think we have the oldest multichoice decoder ever, you remember the first bulky black ones? No wonder why it keeps hanging if you change the channels too fast!


Exam Results come out 20th August…*biting fingernails*


We have a mouse in the house!! (I say mouse, not rat cause its small n very fast, but could be a baby rat, but haven’t yet gotten close enough to it to confirm) it chewed the PS2 cable, luckily it still works but if you make the slightest movement (difficult not to when you’re playing PS2!), it blacks out!...so annoying!


I got saved. (clap for me!!) lol. Seriously, it was quite an experience, one that deserves a blog post of its own…watch this space.


Decided to pick up music again, got myself a good old Yamaha acoustic, (which I’m yet to pimp out), and thought I would expand my limited C/G/F/D chord knowledge, so signed up to some lessons at Kampala music school (Place hasn’t changed at all from close to 14/15 years ago when I used to be forced to go for piano lessons as a kid, like all ‘good-little-suburbian-girls’ it was so nostalgic!) was praying to get a cool teacher, instead got an eccentric dude who apparently is the head of a church choir yet cant sing to save his life! LoL at least he’s not boring!


I need a GOOD CD burner that can convert music 2 mp3, is user friendly, with flexible playlists, reliable and fast!...is that too much 2 ask 4?!


There was a random puppy hanging around our gate few days ago. So we let it in, it was so thin, and wouldn’t eat…we washed it, called the vet who gave it some shots, prayed over it, and let it fall asleep on our porch. Next morning, checked up on it immediately I got out of bed, it was dead. I only new it for a day, but omg, can never get used to the sight of dead dogs. Especially puppies. Another dead dog addition to the back yard. Though it got me thinking…partly inspired this.


Dedicated to J***** - “…Who gave you permission to rearrange me? Certainly not me! Who told you it was alright to love me? Certainly not me! I was not looking for a love affair…” Certainly -Erykah badu. Like seriously dude?! WTF?!


Oh btw, not telling the people close to me (whom do not read this blog) that I’ve picked up guitar…not even my boyfy, decided to keep it a closet habit until I get good…probably for the next month…trying to avoid those awkward "Play-for-me" moments


Now I truely believe that corruption in this country has become institutionalized!!! its a shame theres no other way to get things done other than slipping some money under the counter!


Recently I’ve had the urge to go camping! Turns out my youth fellowship I now religiously attend is organizing one, only problem is that I don’t really know people there, which I don’t mind, but I doubt any of the other girls are willing to really rough it and spend the night in a tent with me…but figured that since this opportunity just randomly came up, I shall also randomly find a girl to spend the night with (in a tent I mean!)


Whatever happened to Johnny Knoxville? And the whole jackass crew for that matter? After that dude died, I mean?... Saw some clip of Stevo totally trashed on some talk show…funny but not cool..who shows up for an interview talk show wasted? ! seriously! And did Bam Magera finally get married? Gosh I miss those shows!


Remember how I was praising Ngozi Okonjo Iwela for taking Nigeria (which was the first African country) out of debt? Well, I recently heard their current financial minister announce they were back in the red zone. Damn. One step forward, two steps back!


My uncle gets out of rehab this week. He was supposed to be released on Thursday but they don’t release people on the weekends because they end up binging and and returning the following Monday for another 6 months! Eish!


Situation is a bitch. Unfair how kids younger than my young brother are allowed to go out yet I, the “technically adult”, has a curfew of midnight, and that’s on good nights, most times I’m expected to keep my ass at home! Why?!


Now would be a good time to be abducted by aliens. If you’re out there, I’m ready. Seriously.


My GCSE (O’Level) and AS level certificates got fucked up. And Cambridge doesn’t send copies of the original. I had never realized how much importance we put to damn pieces of paper. This has seriously made university applications that much more difficult! …anyone know of a person or place with good graphic skills who can help reconstruct my certificates, so at least I have ”photocopies” of the originals…(have them scanned but they need some work)…HELP?!


Finished Jny23’s painting today...next? ;-)


Saw my neighbor pull off some hardcore twisted upside down yoga positions today…damn, felt like I was the one going through the workout just watching him! (topless-heehee!)


Casual sex…hmmm. I feel like I’m not getting the whole story behind this ‘phenomena’. There must be strings attached that no one ever mentions…

I guess it sort of ended up being a long-ish post!

ah well...

The Real Shit!!!

Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

This is anti-autotune, death of the ringtone
This ain’t for Itunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably with a fat ass who can sing a song
Wrong, this ain’t politically correct
This might offend my political connects
My rap’s don’t have melodies
This shit make jackers wanna go n commit felonies
Ah, get your chain tooken
I may do it myself, I’m so Brooklyn
I know we facin a recession
But the music yall makin gonna make it the great depression
Ah, or your lack of aggression
Pull your skirt back down, grow a set men
Ah, ah.. nigga this just violent
This is death of autotune, ah moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin….begin

Holdup, this ain’t a number 1 record
This is practically assault with a deadly weapon
I made this just for Flex n Mrs. C,
I want niggas to feel threatened
Stop your blood clot crying
The kid the dog everybody dying
No lyin, your niggas’ jeans too tight
Your colors too bright, your voice too light
I might wear black four years straight,
I might bring back Versace shades,
This ain’t for Z100
Ye told me to kill yall to keep it 100
This is for Hot 9-7
The shit for clue for Khaled, for we the best n’
Nigga this shit violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence…

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

Holdup, this shit need a verse from Jeezy…ay!
I might send this to the mixtape Weezy
Get somebody from BMF to talk on this
Give this to a Blood, let a Crip walk on it
Get me foul to style on this
I just don’t need nobody to smile on this
You niggas singin too much,
Get back to rap you T-Pain’n too much
Ah, I’m a multi-millionaire
So how is it I’m still the hardest nigga here?
I don’t be in the project hallway
Talkin’ bout how I be in the project all day
That sounds stupid to me,
If you a gangsta, this is how you prove it to me
Yeah, just get violent
This is death of autotune, moment of silence

la da da da… hey hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No I.D. on the track let the story begin…begin… begin

OMG!

All hail Jay-Z!!

Couldn't have said it any better!

The live band, raw un-tuned la da da da, the punch lines, flow, wake-up-call lyrics, chiller-top-nigga-swagga,the explostions, the REALness...I loved it!

Now for all those who dont know, this is real hiphop! not hipPOP or hipHYPE like y'all used to listening too! Damn.

*Standing Ovation*

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

I had an extremely enlightening conversation today, surprisingly, it was with my mother.

You know how I was bitching about how messed up the system is and African politics is in my last post?
Well, Willpress had rightly mentioned in the comments that: “Unfortunately the most important term in African politics is "the grassroots".”
That’s true, and the reason I thought someone like me, despite how passionate I am about the matter, would never have a chance to ‘fix things’ in politics in my own country.
However, after talking to my mum, I suddenly realized that the situation may not be as hopeless as I first thought it to be…although it could just be my mother talking (you know how mothers are, with their comforting lies).
She stated that perhaps the biggest reason African politicians are as selfish and apathetic to problems of poverty and corruption is because they know it all too well.

Most African politicians, especially here, are from humble backgrounds and have experienced poverty, on a personal level, so that once they are in power, the do as much to disassociate themselves with it. They reach a point where seeing their people suffer in familiar poverty stricken situations, it simply no longer touches them! It sounds absurd at first (seriously, these are the people who should know very well what issues the common man is faced with) but it makes perfect sense if you think about it.

Its like how we (well, the TV generation) are apathetic about things like violence, because we see it all the time on TV, from a young age, such as in cartoons like Tom and Jerry (which is an extremely violent cartoon, amongst others children find delight in), pre-teen slap stick comedy (I never found the humour in this by the way) to adult action movies, so by the time you see a dead person on the road in the midst of an accident or mob justice scene, its (sometimes) shocking at first but you forget about it after you edge past the small crowd and commotion!
By the time you reach home you’ve most likely forgotten about it! No big deal, after all you’ve seen worse and more dramatic on TV!

I often laugh at my mum when she gasps in shock when watching an action flick, or when she crys during a sad true life drama! LoL, I mean, its not that I don’t feel the moment, its just that I’ve seen too many to make me jump or shed a tear. I’ve become used to it. Apathetic, even. ( I now have to watch horrors and thrillers at night inorder to feel the least bit spooked!)
It’s sorta the same thing with our current politicians.

Perhaps then there is hope; for the new generation of educated suburban youth (like myself), who are just acquaintances of poverty. Who have always had what they wanted (in moderation of'course) so they are not greedy once in a position of wealth, who are still shocked and horrified at stories of famine, most importantly who have new green ideas on changing and redirecting their nations!?


Today’s headlines read:
“FAMINE KILLS 35, Three million on the brink of starvation as crisis deepens” (Daily Monitor July 8 2009).
And to think, I skipped dinner today because I was full…

As expected, these areas were in the north and east, I say this because where I’m from (the west) people may not be that wealthy, but they always have food to eat. I also can’t ignore the fact that the big shot politicians and people in government (President included) are also from the west. You just can’t help but get the feeling that they don’t care…which is a damn shame and beats the point of having a government! I mean really, if a government cannot deal with basic need such as hunger, then really what are they doing?

Some claim the problems lie with the locals of that area, or that the harvest seasons have not been good due to climate changes, but that is not the real cause of this.

My mum was telling me how when she was at university, brimful of ideas and concepts (much like me these days) she did her final thesis on appropriate land use, focusing on how the locals could use the land, and various soils to grow different commercial produce to sell and make a living. Great idea, no?
Well, at the end of her project, an irritated muzeyi enlightened her that despite her concern and ideas, it wasn’t gonna change much. He assured her; “Don’t you think we’ve tried that? we have, and produced a lot of produce but it all perished! Look at our roads! Which pick up will bother to travel this far to collect our produce to take to sell?”
And rightly so pointed out that the REAL problem was not with land use but with the lack of infrastructure and available markets, which really is something they can’t do much about!

The issue of climate change too can be blamed on our governments!
The rate of deforestation and use of unsustainable methods of living is not given enough importance, yet it’s so vital!
Even more saddening is that Africa still hasn’t really caught on to this! I’ve heard people blame the big European countries and USA for causing global warming, and although they have greatly contributed to it, so have we!

When are we going to stop blaming the white man (I admit, there is indeed a certain thrill about doing so) and take responsibility! I mean we can continue to blame them, but it’s not like they will be tried in the international courts of justice (for one they run the courts-lol), and at the end of the day, they are still way better off than us!
In the recent past, Africans have taken up the role of their white masters and yet still continue to rape Africa! WTF is up with that?
Before the independence era, many of our ‘white masters’ thought we wouldn’t be able to run things without them, sadly, it seems we keep proving them right!... But that’s another topic for another day…

So back to the issue at hand, there are numerous sustainable environmentally friendly methods the government can use to battle famine and poverty, for instance instead of cutting down firewood, like in most Asian countries like India, they use biogas digesters, which turns human excrement, cow dung, or kitchen garbage into fuel that can be used for cooking or generating electricity.
I mean if the government could afford to buy brand new expensive cars for CHOGUM, they surely can afford giving each village household a cow and these biogas digesters?! Its cheap, sustainable, and environmentally friendly, it not only tackles the issue of producing energy, but also is an excellent way to deal with waste (Which is another problem most African countries face). This would help reduce the rate of deforestation, which would stabilize the climate too.

Things have changed. We've been fucked and have fucked up too, and we need to fix it; originally most indigenous peoples (all over the world) rarely would stay in one place for long, because it would deplete the resources of the area, so they would move around, give the area time to replenish itself, and so a balance was kept. Now that civilization has forced us to settle, you find that people over use their land and do not give it time to replenish itself, and by altering this system, we cause problems such as famine. Now we need to fix it.

Its not rocket science. Hell if I can see this, I wonder why they can’t. Or perhaps they do, but just don’t care?? …Famine in Uganda? How? When the solution is so clear…?

You know I would rather live under an effective dictatorship for a few years than a so called democratic government that doesn’t do much. I know this is random but despite Hitler and Stalin’s harsh policies and crazy ideologies, they did what needed to be done, and neither Germany nor Russia can deny that they wouldn’t be where they were if it wasn’t for them.

Is it just me or is Uganda messed up?
Perhaps we need a dictator, not as absolute or crazy like Hitler or Stalin, but an enlightened dictator …like Paul Kagame…

Are we (yes you and me) really that helpless or have we just gotten too used to the way things are?

Have we reached a state of “Ichabod”??

(Yeah, new word 4 your ass!)
I know I've been blogging some long-ass-heavy-shit recently, bare with me as it get it outta my system! i shall be back to my triva shallow self soon...lol!
*Bless*

The "P" word / From Poetry to Politics...

Ushered at Justice Ogoola’s launch of his poetry anthology this past Friday (had nothing better to do, naturally) and couldn’t help noticing that the higher the status of the person(guest) the ruder and uncivilized they were! I found it embarrassing how a Judge or member of parliament can complain about standing in a queue to register before being escorted to their seats, exclaiming that they “weren’t used to such order”, WTF?! What do they do in parliament or court here? Scrabble for seats? LoL! And these are ment to be the "well traveled, intellectual, learned and cultured" group of Ugandans!

I have a lot of faith in politics, I believe and often quote the saying that everything (well most things) is political, and I’ve noticed that in Africa ,to bring about great change, one has to get involved in politics at one point or another, whether they like it or not. Also I believe there is a “great politician” in most of the greatest people in the world…but politicians like ours shoot down my whole concept of Politics! (I don’t blame President Obama for choosing west Africa, Ghana for his first visit to Africa over East Africa, Kenya!)

Although there is no academic consensus on the exact definition of "Politics", to me Politics is (or should be) the best method of collecting, organizing, using and governing a country’s resources (inclusive of manpower, natural resources etc) for the betterment of the people of that nation. Unfortunately, people have taken politics to be more of the the skill of gaining and maintaining power, which I personally feel beats the whole point of it. Power comes with leadership, which is merely a means of bettering the nation. Ideally, politics should be Righteous not Sleezy!
Yet again, so should being a religious leaders, yet these days when you think priest you think homosexual pedophilic molester! …damn, the world really is coming to an end!

A while ago I had wanted to do law, and get into the work of governance of my nation. Then I grew a little older and wiser? Tainted? Jaded? Not quite sure, but I thought against it.
Too often I have noticed that although people get into law and government for the right reasons, they quickly compromise their morals due to the crafty corruption riddled nature of African politics today. They go from being a man/woman for the people to becoming fat, egotistic animal-farm like pigs! Even if I was to join a big organization, like the UN or World Bank, the ridiculous level of procedures and in-between-stuff debase their efforts to a little more than nothing. They are simply not that practical, and you often find that their efforts are intercepted midway by this or that which prevent people from really benefiting from them.

During my GCSE’s /O Levels I joined and participated in the model united nations, which is held evry year at the UN quarters in Nairobi. (I was the Environmental delegate for Colombia) Basically its run entirely by teenagers and runs exactly like the actual real UN.
We wrote proposals, debated them out in the different chambers, a press corp. that produced a daily newspaper (also student run), dressed up, learnt all the proper UN debate lingo and procedures, (I even got my badge clipped for chewing gum! LoL) we even had pretend emergency situations in which we would be required to quickly think up of solutions!
It was fun, an unforgettable experience, but I realized that all the UN do is talk, draw up proposals, argue over the smallest most times insignificant things, are biased more by nation interests than the betterment of the world as a whole, and at the end of it all, they don’t really take effective action!

To make it worse, the comfy job which often offers the opportunity to work abroad and a fat salary eventually get to people, and they no longer care whether what they are doing really is helping people on the ground, back home. I don’t want to be caught up in that, that’s why I often say wherever life takes me, I will always come back home, and constantly remind myself not to get to comfy, there’s a lot of work to be done!

Still amidst all the bullshit, certain individuals manage to get things done. For instance today on the African Voices show on the BBC, they interviewed an African woman I have come to admire; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. She’s the former Minister of Finance and Minister of Foreign Affairs of Nigeria, current managing director of the World Bank. Despite the big titles, she seems to be a humble yet passionate Africanist lady. I did some more research on her and I‘ve found her inspirational. I admire her for two reasons:

1) She left her comfy World Bank job in Washington to come back to better serve her country as finance minister (2003-2006)

2) During her time as finance minister, she introduced some economic reforms which enabled greater fiscal transparency to combat corruption (a great problem a lot of African nations are failing to solve) Her reforms basically introduced the publishing of government spending/budget/allocation of money basically, which this enabled the people to see how much money was allocated to their local governments, and hence give them grounds on which to question why there were still pot holes in the roads, why the public schools were so under equipped, why their salaries haven’t risen and the general standard of life is worse despite the money being pumped into the area. This also puts pressure on the local governments to perform, and makes corruption harder to cover up. Excellent policy isn’t it?
After all, true change often comes from the bottom up, from the inside out...

So perhaps there is hope for politics, especially in Africa, although we are far from reaching the political ideals I mentioned before hand…

I was just wondering, whether it would be worth getting into politics.

Being a young African woman, who feels more comfortable speaking English than her own mother tongue, suburban born and raised…sometimes I feel helpless in the struggle to build and improve Africa, even in my own country.

Sometimes I wish I was born in the freedom fighter days, (born conveniently as a man) when all I had to do to join the struggle was to pick up a Gun.

words 4 the day:

Life is but reason.
When we lose reason its like we're dead...

quoted from an SMS from TimTim