I’ve been in transit for the past week, so haven’t had time to blog, or write or do much apart from eat sleep and shuffle about…even if I had the chance to steal a few minutes of my cyber time, I wouldn’t know where to start, what to mention and what to leave out…I tried, but after typing out a decent sized paragraph I would backspace it all…perhaps if I had another medium other than writing…
If I could film the past few days and add a video post onto this blog I would post one of those first person view scenes (but my torso, legs, arms and hands on this laptop would still be included in the shot, okay unless I was eating or something, but it would still remain in the shot somehow…after all, it is portable…lol) and this would remain constant, like a frame, but everything else would be moving and happening in fast forward and the backdrop ever-changing but less fluid than the foreground, more like stop motion…
It would go from my unusually empty bedroom in Uganda in the begging of the scene, semi packed luggage spewed on the floor and it’d be raining outside (it really was when I left). I would start typing something then get interrupted by background sound of the car to the airport hooting and my mum shouting about missing the fight…
Fast-forward through the journey in-between, a kaleidoscope of airport scenes from the lake fly infested Ugandan one to the dazzling lights and aerotrain (in the freaking airport) in Malaysia, not forgetting the 2 day stopover in U.A.E, the road trip and changing colour of sand between Duabi and Al Ain… till it slows down to this very moment:
Seated in the living room of my semi furnished messy apartment, stack of cardboard boxes of DIY furniture and kitchen appliances in the back, 2pm, Malaysia, raining outside. (it really did, and it felt sort of eerie because the last time it rained I was at home in Uganda, now I’m at my new home, in Malaysia…felt somehow significant…)
(Note to self: I really should get a camcorder…)
P.S. Cant believe I almost forgot to mention, I live in a place called Cyberjaya (its like a student town, with a suburbia-like feel…shall blog about it later), and the apartment estate I live in is called Cyber Heights…seriously…CYBER HEIGHTS …*Delighted LoL*…can’t get enough of saying that!
Cyber Heights…
O(^_^)o
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Infidelity.
Some sins sometimes feel too big to forgive. With chronic consequences like Adam and Eve…
How do you begin to explain or justify the inexcusable…
Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day; when you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces?
Make it look like I was framed when reality is that I set myself up, and fell for it too.
It wasn’t premeditated but preventable…I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way!
How do you explain (even to yourself) that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were sober as a priest?
Shit happens…when you let it.
Why, now that’s the unexplained part…
How do I always end up the heartless bitch yet I started off with good intentions?!
How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?...or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate?
Now I know why the conservatives encourage youth not to get into relationships (especially sexual ones) at a young age, (but my big headed smart ass had to find this out-well more like confirm since I was warned-the hard way ) and not to date a lot but rather settle down with one person quickly…experience in love is scaring.
Growing pains perhaps…or battle wounds?
Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too…
How do you begin to explain or justify the inexcusable…
Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day; when you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces?
Make it look like I was framed when reality is that I set myself up, and fell for it too.
It wasn’t premeditated but preventable…I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way!
How do you explain (even to yourself) that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were sober as a priest?
Shit happens…when you let it.
Why, now that’s the unexplained part…
How do I always end up the heartless bitch yet I started off with good intentions?!
How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?...or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate?
Now I know why the conservatives encourage youth not to get into relationships (especially sexual ones) at a young age, (but my big headed smart ass had to find this out-well more like confirm since I was warned-the hard way ) and not to date a lot but rather settle down with one person quickly…experience in love is scaring.
Growing pains perhaps…or battle wounds?
Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too…
Friday, August 7, 2009
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT OF GREAT IMPORTNCE
OMG OMG OMG!!!!
Guess what y'all?
Did you know that today August 7, 2009 at 12 hours 34 minutes and 56 seconds the time
The date will be: 12:34:56 07/08/09
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
This will never happen in our life again!!!
The immense significance of this fact is too much for my tiny female adolocent brain to comprehend...
Go figure!!!
WHY wont they GROW !?!
I started growing my dreadlocks January this year (actually already had my first twist last week of December last year), and it’s now midyear and they're not as long as I hoped they would be by now...I thought hair was meant to grow faster in dreadlocks?!I’ve read up on maintaining them and all, got the non-residue shampoo and wax, wash once regularly and attempt a palm roll when they get messy and when they get too messy I go for retwisting (doing it all by myself would take ridiculously long!)...maybe I’m missing a step or something? Or just need to be patient...it’s just disappointing where I’m at with my hair.
I want to get them a bit thicker, fuller and even (what’s up with the 'knotty bump/lump' after the retwist that marks sort of the last time I twisted them-is that normal?)
I hear 27th comrade has dreads...is that true? How long did it take for you to grow them to shoulder length, or to hold a puff? Did u have knotty bumps in them too after retwist? What twist technique do you use to touch up on them when they get messy? What saloon do you go to for retwisting???
My mum is always bugging me to get my dreads out and get a perm like "other normal girls". I'm not normal. And I’m determined to show her that dreads can be just as elegant as permed hair! ts proven to be quite hard (no one told me they needed this much maintenance!), but I’m not giving up on it!
It’s not that I’m being difficult or rebellious in any way. That’s not why I chose to lock my hair instead of perm it.
I chose dreads because frankly its one of the most real and healthy hairstyles one can have! I've tried most other black female hairstyles before (apart from weaves or extensions), and had some issues with them:
My biggest problem with perms is the chemicals, that stuff burns and makes hair thin and break at a certain length and smells nasty (or so according to my experience with it). Plus it just doesn’t feel right...African hair is meant to be thick, textured...not flat and limp...and since I’m light skinned, this particular hairstyle would not help my "muzungu reputation" which I try so hard to smother! LoL!
That automatically kicks out weaves for me, if I already feel fake (and bald) with straightened hair, imagine how being in a weave would be like! Hot and itchy (or so I’ve heard). The worst weaves tho are those afro ones…seriously, if your black, an afro comes easy, you don’t need to get a fake afro weave?! WTF?! And as for hot combing intense heat is not got to apply to hair…I’ve never been comfortable with that smell of burning hair! Plus it doesn’t last very long…if you want to straighten your hair, do it right…its like if you want to kill yourself, don’t cut your wrists and think a little blood will bring death, blow your brains out!!!
Which takes me to braids. Now these are pretty cool, and I had my hair in them a lot before…its just that I hate how every braider always wants to do the tiny sized ones (even if you ask them to do it big, they never do them that big) and oh my goodness does it hurt like hell! Not to mention that it takes ages too! Too much braiding also thins hair. There’s a time after braiding my scalp and hair line broke out in tiny painful bumps…it looked horrible and hurt too but it was just my scalps way of saying that my braids were too tight , my body was rejecting my hairstyle. So I listened and never did them again…
Had short hair too but it just gets boring…that’s when I decided on dreads…no chemicals, its not tight, and its my natural hair, which knots naturally anyways if I leave it!
I know that being black is not about kinky hair and head wraps or wearing African print and traditional outfits....but hell, it sure does help!!!
Seriously, that’s just what people who have never been called muzungu in their lives say to console confused souls like us(me?)...as much as we would like to claim we solely define who we are, society, environment/situation and media also affect the shaping of our identity (more than we would like to admit)!
Since self-image/ the way we present ourselves is meant to be a self reflection of who one is, not to mention its all the rage these days; why not use it to strengthen our identity and define who we are?
There’s a time in my life when I didn’t care what I looked like, (Tomboy days) but now I realize that that was oh so naïve! I’ve learnt not to underestimate image, psychology proves that non verbal communication which includes image as well as body language is several times stronger than verbal communication! I’ve actually witnessed and experienced this now and can testify to it. Its not so much how they look physically but the way someone presents themselves, that matters a lot, and also says a lot about them.
Since people can’t see who you are on the inside, you have to find a way to translate it on the outside, and to synchronize your interior with your exterior is the true art of living peacefully and at one with yourself A.K.A the art of keeping it real…A bit like feng shui (pronounced ‘fung shway’)- arranging and rearranging yourself till you’re in touch with your inner Qi (pronounced ‘chi’) and hence achieve a sense of balance, peace and positive energy ! *Chinese monk like Gong sounds in the distance* LoL!
Anyways, I just feel like the whole straight wanabe-white hair thing is fake, a side effect of colonization, like why is straightened hair more sophisticated and classy than natural kinky hair? Why is it considered more difficult? Because keeping African hair straight also has its problems…maybe the reason African hair is difficult is because we keep treating it like white hair?! It really annoys me! (like the whole light skinned African woman phenomenon).
Our aesthetics have really been molested by the west! I’m not saying that those of you African women with wanabe-white hair are fake (no offense intended), just victims of conditioning…or perhaps it’s just me being a ‘teenager’ trying to define boundaries and being extreme as I’ve very often been told by ‘adults’. (this means you can’t pull this comment btw, I’ve just blocked and countered it. BOOYAH!)
Have you ever stopped and wondered why you wear certain things in a certain way? Or why you like certain things? Sometimes the answers you come up with are…controversial…uncomfortable to admit true…or just bring up more questions (like in my case)?!
Either way it’s always enlightening.
Check this out, got it from Malcolm (without the X) LoL.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Salvation (part 2)
One of my life mottos has been that I will try anything, at least once. This has consequently made my bucket list pretty damn long! But it has also provided me with opportunities to experience so many things that have undoubtedly scared as well as enlightened me.
I’m only 18. I’m not claiming to have ‘been there, done that, got the slovenlier T-shirt’, but the few years I’ve been alive have definitely been interesting…
Sticking to the motto, I thought I would give getting saved a try. I know most peoples reaction to ‘getting saved’ is a cringe they often (unsuccessfully) try to conceal. I was like that too, because we’ve all heard the stories of crazy jesus freaks and saved fanatics who went over the edge of sanity, we’ve heard of the pedophilic pastors molesting young boys, we’ve heard of the corruption and misuse of the church money, we’ve heard of (seen and know) the hypocrites who live sinful lives but still attend church every Sunday as well as those who are condemning and ‘holier than thou’ …its enough to make one lose faith in the church, Christianity, God even!
But I’ve tried drugs and other things often shunned upon by society, so getting saved wouldn’t be much different, considering what I’ve tried in the past!
Plus if religion is the opium of the masses, and reality is grim and stained, I would quite frankly prefer to be high and deluded off religion than sober and somber !!
There is a reason religion is likened to a drug. And I’m not just meaning Christianity. There’s just something so uplifting, peaceful, inspiring and mind blowing about it. I believe being high is a beautiful thing. So far, there are two ways I know how to get into this blissful slice of hevean. The first is drugs. The second is a spiritual relationship with God (who ever he is to you, to me the Christian God).
The only reason it would be more advisable to choose the latter not the first is: Drugs may take you to that level, but it doesn’t last, and the more you use, the father away you get from it…you start to having ‘bad trips’, and the biological/physiological/psychological/social side effects start to kick in, then it becomes hell! It’s all fake and illusion…But with God, it’s real, and can last forever. Although it does have its side effects too, just look up II timothy ch1 vs 8, II Corinthians ch1 vs 6, Romans Ch8 Vs 18 ( where did I get all this? The brilliant concordance at the back of the amplified bible, its like a mini biblical exycolpedia which refers you to relevant parts in the bible. I recommend it!)
I’m yet to reach a constant high in Christ…will let you know and compare if my hypothesis is right. (^_^) LoL
The whole experience of getting saved was pretty cool. Although it was at first a half conscience decision. LoL, actually what happened was that they told us to close our eyes and bow our heads…then raise your hand if your not saved. Being the smartass I was I didn’t, knowing that they were gonna call em up to get saved…then they asked those who had lost faith and basicly thought church was full of bull…I did…then they told us to stand up and come to the front. I thought about just seating my ass back down but since by now everyone was looking, I thought I would just go. I’ve never gone up to the front of the church (I have a permanent seat at the back row) so I thought it couldn’t get so bad. So I went.
Closed my eyes the whole time, because it would have been scarier to have them open. My heart was pounding and as I was listening to what was going on, a rise of mummers began to build. Everyone was I guess saying their own prayer to god (for us?) …no music or instruments, just voices…some dude was saying incoherent things near the front (tongues?)…the someone came to me, held my hands and prayed over me. He told me to focus only on his words…it all reached a passionate climax then slowly faded, the voices, the prayer…It felt pretty awesome. The only way I can describe it is as ‘an energy’. Like at a concert, just as the performer comes on stage…that build up mummer of voices…excitement…everyone’s attention and focus on one thing…a collective energy.
It was the first time I had ever felt something at church (apart from drooping eye lids, sleep induced from utter boredom and irritation at sitting for long hours in a crowded place – the reason I don’t go to church on big holidays like Christmas or Easter).
For the first time I felt something . The presence of God? My first dose (more like taste) of a spiritual high? Salvation?
I think I’m on to something…do u??
I’m only 18. I’m not claiming to have ‘been there, done that, got the slovenlier T-shirt’, but the few years I’ve been alive have definitely been interesting…
Sticking to the motto, I thought I would give getting saved a try. I know most peoples reaction to ‘getting saved’ is a cringe they often (unsuccessfully) try to conceal. I was like that too, because we’ve all heard the stories of crazy jesus freaks and saved fanatics who went over the edge of sanity, we’ve heard of the pedophilic pastors molesting young boys, we’ve heard of the corruption and misuse of the church money, we’ve heard of (seen and know) the hypocrites who live sinful lives but still attend church every Sunday as well as those who are condemning and ‘holier than thou’ …its enough to make one lose faith in the church, Christianity, God even!
But I’ve tried drugs and other things often shunned upon by society, so getting saved wouldn’t be much different, considering what I’ve tried in the past!
Plus if religion is the opium of the masses, and reality is grim and stained, I would quite frankly prefer to be high and deluded off religion than sober and somber !!
There is a reason religion is likened to a drug. And I’m not just meaning Christianity. There’s just something so uplifting, peaceful, inspiring and mind blowing about it. I believe being high is a beautiful thing. So far, there are two ways I know how to get into this blissful slice of hevean. The first is drugs. The second is a spiritual relationship with God (who ever he is to you, to me the Christian God).
The only reason it would be more advisable to choose the latter not the first is: Drugs may take you to that level, but it doesn’t last, and the more you use, the father away you get from it…you start to having ‘bad trips’, and the biological/physiological/psychological/social side effects start to kick in, then it becomes hell! It’s all fake and illusion…But with God, it’s real, and can last forever. Although it does have its side effects too, just look up II timothy ch1 vs 8, II Corinthians ch1 vs 6, Romans Ch8 Vs 18 ( where did I get all this? The brilliant concordance at the back of the amplified bible, its like a mini biblical exycolpedia which refers you to relevant parts in the bible. I recommend it!)
I’m yet to reach a constant high in Christ…will let you know and compare if my hypothesis is right. (^_^) LoL
The whole experience of getting saved was pretty cool. Although it was at first a half conscience decision. LoL, actually what happened was that they told us to close our eyes and bow our heads…then raise your hand if your not saved. Being the smartass I was I didn’t, knowing that they were gonna call em up to get saved…then they asked those who had lost faith and basicly thought church was full of bull…I did…then they told us to stand up and come to the front. I thought about just seating my ass back down but since by now everyone was looking, I thought I would just go. I’ve never gone up to the front of the church (I have a permanent seat at the back row) so I thought it couldn’t get so bad. So I went.
Closed my eyes the whole time, because it would have been scarier to have them open. My heart was pounding and as I was listening to what was going on, a rise of mummers began to build. Everyone was I guess saying their own prayer to god (for us?) …no music or instruments, just voices…some dude was saying incoherent things near the front (tongues?)…the someone came to me, held my hands and prayed over me. He told me to focus only on his words…it all reached a passionate climax then slowly faded, the voices, the prayer…It felt pretty awesome. The only way I can describe it is as ‘an energy’. Like at a concert, just as the performer comes on stage…that build up mummer of voices…excitement…everyone’s attention and focus on one thing…a collective energy.
It was the first time I had ever felt something at church (apart from drooping eye lids, sleep induced from utter boredom and irritation at sitting for long hours in a crowded place – the reason I don’t go to church on big holidays like Christmas or Easter).
For the first time I felt something . The presence of God? My first dose (more like taste) of a spiritual high? Salvation?
I think I’m on to something…do u??
Friday, July 31, 2009
Salvation (Part one)
It all started the day my notorious younger brother was caught sneaking back into the house, bloodshot eyes and sheepish grin, in the middle of the fuckin day!
The sheriff gave him an option at the show down, either they were to deal with this the easy way or hard way…luckily he wasn’t too doped up to decide to go down the hard way, and turned himself in. Hes sentence: regular attendance to church fellowships, and I was appointed the probation officer who had to make sure he actually attended these fellowships.
At times I didn’t know who the felony was, me or him? Because we both ended up having to attend church fellowships. No excuses…but I guess it was better than him being locked up, so I’m not complaining. But I was pretty pissed off having to sacrifice my Tuesday and Thursday evenings just to keep an eye on him. After all I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be serving the punishment!
You know how they say that good things can come out of bad things/situations sometimes. Well, I guess it applies to this particular situation, because it ended up being me who found salvation!!
The more I went for these fellowships, the more I started to gain out of them. Somethings they said really did strike me, and got me thinking about this whole religion thing. Hell, I felt like I was on to something , I even ended up inviting them! (yeah, maybe God can help clarify how to sort out my little love triangle mess) anyways, the more I attended, and listened and participated, the more I started asking myself whether I was missing out on something…
Currently I did feel like I was missing something. The prospect of going out and alcohol getting high and partying had started to pale…maybe my mum’s strict house rules and policy towards night life is starting to get to me…maybe its because every time I used to sneak out, and despite how long I would stay out, it just wasn’t ever really that much fun! (I mean if you take away the intoxication and hype…is whats left really fun?)…maybe its because the high never lasted, never is as sweet as it was, and left you with an empty douche bag feeling along with a throbbing head and nauseous feeling the next morning? Maybe I’ve gotten over the demand characteristics peer pressure and the media evoke in teens? Somehow that shit just doesn’t do it for me. Yesterday a friend was inviting me for a drink up at her crib (parents were out) and it was so possible for me to go, but I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home.
That’s not saying I now prefer to spend my weekend nights at home, in fact sometimes I would much rather be out having good old senseless, possibly-harmful, underage sinful fun! Its just easier to chose that. That’s just the way it is in the 21 century. And I’ve just been feeling like I have a choice between plain old nothing and nothing (which seems like something), and I’m tired of that…
I’m seeking something more…a new high perhaps? (LSD-lol?!)…GoD?? Maybe I need a new puppy!?
Theres one particular sermon someone was giving, about the power of belief. He asked us what would have happened if Jesus had jumped (that time the devil led him to the cliff and challenged him to jump, after all he was God’s son and there would have been angles to catch him). I had never thought of the significance of his not jumping. If he had…he would have fallen, and died. Son of God would have committed suicide and died a poor foolish man. No doubt. Its just like how whenever we call god out asking him to prove himself:
“GoD! Throw a thunderbolt or something, I dare you! Give me a sign you exist….*Nothing*….yeah, that’s what I thought!!”
(You know those moments!) nothing ever does happen. Why? Because God doesn’t need to prove himself to us mere mortals! He used to, back in the day, but even then, when people could see, hear, feel God, they still never got it, we would still doubt him, and still preferred to turn to man made idols. We still don’t get it even today!
How can something prove itself if you doubt it even exists? Doubt is powerful, its mentally crippling! If you don’t believe you can do something, chances are that you wont! Even if you can, and are capable of something, if you don’t believe you can, you wont! Its exactly the same way with God. If you doubt him, doubt his existence, doubt his power, he definitely wont be able to be present in your life, if you don’t let him. How do you expect to welcome someone into your house if you keep the door shut and locked? Then you sulk and claim that you have no friends, and no one ever comes to visit! LoL!
It all comes down to belief. Faith is the most stressed and emphasized thing in Christianity because faith is belief without doubt. Even the smallest bit of doubt can put great limitations on yourself…and God. And the devil knows this all too well....
He’s been using this since the beginning of time! The snake in the garden of Eden planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind…she began to question God. God had told Adam that he would provide all they ever needed, everything in the garden was theirs, they just had to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Apparently Eve wasn’t yet created when he told this to Adam. So she began to question if he even ever said it at all…she began to question whether they did really have it all, what God was keeping from them…suddenly the forbidden fruit which she had never even taken much notice of started to look tempting. See the power of doubt? It can change the way you look at things, turn your whole world upside down! And as Eve fell for the temptation and let the doubt get the best of her, so have many other people in the bible, even Jesus the son of God had to face the same temptation and doubt, we do so too, quite a lot these days!
The devil still uses the same old tricks, and we to often still fall for them!
This particular sermon really got me thinking (as you can obliviously see- scroll up). If all it takes is blind faith, all I have to do is believe it without a shimmer of doubt, and all of the things of the kingdom of God, eternal peace and enlightenment shall be at my finger tips…I thought why not!?
Its not like I’ve got anything of much worth going for me here on earth. I thought, if he is willing to take me as I am, the habitual sinner, indecisive, selfish, gullible little girl that I am, forgive me, love me unconditionally, bless me and let me grow, bloom, and flower…why shouldn’t I let him. Let go and Let God. Why not?...sound pretty fuckin’ awesome to me!!!
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