The New Year...

Instead of setting goals this year, i'm setting a theme for the year, in form of this image on the left.
My theme for 2009 is:

rebirth - I've done a lot of growing this year, and like a bud about to blossom, i want to be reborn...like a caterpillar that’s been developing in its cocoon, its about time i started to peel off the cocoon, and that’s what i wanna do with my life before i spread my petal like wings and soar...metaphors put aside, i want to put all I’ve learnt this year into practice, and that means changing and reinventing myself...
simplicity- despite the complex changes going on in the inside, i want to be as simple and collected as this beautiful oval shaped bud. This year had alot of confusion and chaos, especially in my love life, so i want a bit of stability and simplicity next year with my relationships with people (this includes love, friendship and family).

also, my colour for 2009 is going to be green! a soft young refreshing green like in this bud. It will symbolise me keeping it real and natural (check out the hair ;-)) and simple!

so thats my New Years Theme for 2009 sumed up in a picture!

***

Now, looking back at the year that was;
I will remember 2008 for:
summer love,
drunken nights out,
deceit and Revelations,
University prospectuses,
new glasses,
the inspiration of BARACK OBAMA!!!
i painted my room a deep red (yup all 4 walls!),
deaths and births,
cross roads my and my friends lives,
passion,
adventure,
losing my virginity,
gainig a new out look on life,
the year i quit smoking pot (I've been clean 9months now-not that i was addicted, just had enough),
the year i started my blog!!!
i've gained friends,
and some awards for academic achivement,
joined a Poetry society called the Lantern Meet, i had never shared my poetry with people like that before...

but if i was to sum up 2008 in one word, it would be growth.
it has been quite a colourful year for me, and i have no regrets. looking forward to 2009!

Happy New Years everyone!!

Dreadlock'd up for the new year!

I finally got my dreads done today! After making my mind up earlier on this year, I got them in the end…it wasn’t easy though! But nothing worthwhile ever really is…

I first had to cut off the majority of my treated hair, I didn’t have any such attachment to it, but I must admit, its scary witnessing your hair being chopped off...all those years growing it and with one silent swift snip, the wisps of shinny treated curls that once covered your head are laying limp on the floor, leaving you ‘naked’...I have always thought females with short hair quite brave, they must be very confident in who they are, and how they look, no need for a tousle of hair to crop, hide, sweep, cover their face, distracting the eye from fully taking in their facial features…

Its not the first time I’ve erratically decided to cut my hair. Once when I was a little girl, I decided to cut a chunk of my long natural hair that my nanny and aunties had slaved over to grow. Just like that, without second thought, I decided that I wanted short hair like daddy. lol. actually thinking back, you could question my gender identification and role models (?!?)...
Well, point is, I’ve never felt too bad about cutting my hair, and have had an aesthetic preference for short hair, ever since I was a child...I think its spunky, and hence matches my character quite well, wouldn’t you agree??

Convincing my mum about the dreads the biggest obstacle, because if she doesn’t like the idea, she won’t give me money, and without the money, no dreads! So I went and did my research, pointed out women with dreads who still manage to look smart and orderly, and assuring her that I know all the implications and consequences that come with ‘such hairstyles’, and most importantly I’m not turning Rastafarian!!!

Honestly, Rastafarianism is more than a dreadlock thing, it’s a ‘conception of the heart’ like the song says, and the same goes for dreads, dreadlocks is more than just a Rastafarian thing!

To me, it’s working with what I have, building onto to make myself stronger. Let me break it down for you: I've never had my hair straightened and it lasts long, even with the chemicals, after a week and a good few washes, it starts getting tangled and knotted. I got tired of this, and tired of always braiding (it’s so tight, and I use fake hair when I already got a mass of thick hair, it just didn’t make sense to me) so I decided to work with my kinky mass of super tangled afro hair, instead of work against them.

Also, as I went through my little identity crisis this year, i realized our image of beauty (this goes for African women) is so messed up! All the weaves, extensions, coloring and fake hair just to have long Muzungu/Caucasian hair...why? When there is so much we can do with our natural hair, that is different, but beautiful all the same! Let it be kinky and wild, like our spirits, let it grow rich and dark towards the heavens! (I love South Africans for this, the way they wear thier black hair is so creative and proud)

Metaphorically, taking the knots and kinks in my hair and making them into strong long dreadlocks symbolizes taking the lemons of life and turning them into lemonade! Using those obstacles that life throws at you sometimes to build upon and make yourself stronger.

A great way to start the New Year, right? All dreadlocked up for 2009!
P.S. 1st pic is of me in plaits with my own hair, and second is of me and my dreads! I plan to grow them and make them bigger/thicker as time goes by…

I guess its about time I posted something Christmassy...

Christmas lost meaning to me when I discovered that it is mostly based on a pagan ancient roman winter festival, and that Jesus wasn’t really born on the 25th December, or even any time close to that!

It all started when I discovered Santa was fake, ever since then Christmas never seemed right to me, and after I turned into a teen, my mum could no longer be bothered to keep up the Christmas tradition. Therefore, currently there’s no Christmas tree, no Christmas CD’s or music being played in the background, nothing special planed for the 25th, no gifts, nothing. We might not even go to church!!
LoL

I’m actually spending Christmas at the village, with my grandparents (who were around only a few days ago for some weddings, so it’s not like I can say I’ve missed them…) Despite the lack of city luxuries, I’m looking forward to going. At least I will be getting away from all the Christmas chaos and fakeness of the city, like the annoying promotions they drive around residential areas announcing on megaphones, or the Christmas messages in the media portraying a “white Christmas” while we’re going through one of the hottest months of this year!

And not forgetting the desperation that befalls the less fortunate during this time as they are pressured to provide something more than usual…just the other night my mum found herself surrounded by a group of threatening young men as she was driving home at night. The blocked the road, surrounded the car and tried to open it, luckily all windows were closed and she was locked in. she eventually got out of it by hooting and attracting attention then managed to maneuver her way past them. Such things only happen during Christmas in Uganda. Remember how many people died for various reasons last Christmas, either they were too drunk and fell in a ditch on the way home or were victim to a robbery that went ugly…

In the village, Christmas is a more mellow family orientated day occasion, unlike the crazy hyped commercial Christmas in the city.
We shall most probably be staying at my grandparent’s house, unfortunately our house is being rented out and the cottages at the lake are fully booked. Its strange because I’ve never actually slept at my grandparents house, only visited…at least it will be better than spending the holidays here!!

And just so I don’t seem like a spoil sport, happy holidays to all of you who do celebrate Christmas the traditional way!

(SHE x HE) + ANOTHER = DILEMMA!

SHE loves him, HE loves her more.
No sweeter couple did THEY ever saw.
HIS friends congratulated him,
And OTHERS admired HER,
But No one could touch them whilst in each others arms...
Until HE had to go away to school,
HE promised to call HER everyday.
But the calls couldn't fill in the gapping hole created by HIS absense,
So ANOTHER stepped into the picture,
A friend of HIS, became a lover to HER,
HER new found guilty pleasure.
HE had no idea
SHE was having multiple ideas,
About HIM and ANOTHER…
SHE still loves HIM,
But SHE wants ANOTHER .
And SHE's also gonna have to go away soon,
Away to school too,
Leaving both behind,
THEY all know this...
HE wants to spend HER last days together
ANOTHER wants a chance with HER before she leaves,
SHE loves HIM but is in love with ANOTHER.
What a dilemma SHE’s gotten herself into!
and wonders how to get through it,
Because SHE doesn’t know what to do…

The not so promising holiday's here!

Schools out at last!

This past week has been such a drag! Why is it that time slows down when you eagerly await something, so it seems like it’s taking forever! Well, its here, at last, and my holiday plan includes eating, sleeping, online marathons, watching tv, and going out to get stupid drunk…(I wish!!)
My Mums been possessed these days by some sort of spirit fascist dictator from another era who’s come back to fulfill his dominating fantasies. How can I tell? She’s drastically changed her parenting style to the very oppressive iron fist approach where she’s become supper strict about everything, and changes her mind so fast I’m convinced there is more than one person within in her . Which makes fully indulging myself in the activities mentioned above more difficult than they should be!

Just the other day, it was a Wednesday night I believe, she announced that she was confiscating my modem!! Her reason was that I was ‘addicted’ and she suspected that I was spending the whole all night on the internet when I should be asleep! She’s noticed I’ve been quite fatigued and she thinks that’s the reason, which is sooo (partly) not true!

I’ve been tired because school has been straining me, plus I’ve just recovered from a bad cough and cold, so yeah I have been feeling down, but not cause of the net! In fact most nights I’m too tired to be on it till past 1am! She then mentions that it might affect my grades. Total bullshit! I brought home a straight A report this term, like I always do! I got the modem around a month and a half ago, and if it was affecting my grades as she claims it is, I wouldn’t be getting straight A’s! But what hurts the most is that she doesn’t think I have enough discipline to say enough, let me give the net a rest. Even if I didn’t (which I do) know when to stop, “taking away” the modem won’t solve anything!

Firstly, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel when she says i'm 'addicted', like as if i have no self control and i'm so weak! I wonder if she really thinks of me like that? She has no idea the every day struggles i face and overcome daily!
Secondly, it’s the reason I decide to stay home Saturday nights instead of sneaking out to go party all night and sneak back in in the dark wee hours of the morning!
Thirdly and more seriously, I’ll be out of her iron fist grip in less than a year and when I am who’s gonna stop me? No One at all! So if I don’t learn these boundaries myself, I might end up doing really crazy stuff when I’m older and I will have to learn the hard way! She thinks she’s protecting me? She’s not, she’s making me more valuable to the outside world she’s so desperately trying to shield me from! She’s trying too hard, and when you try too hard to stop or prevent something, it so happens its more likely to happen! What you resist, persists after all! Life is ironic like that!

But she refuses to see my logic. I tried to compromise but in vain, that possession has gotten to her head! At least she’s at work most of the day and isn’t that creative with hiding places so at least I can steal the modem and get lost in the wide world web for a good few hours before they (my mother and the unsettled fascist dictator spirit that’s taken over her body and mind) come home again.

East African Music Vid's

'I want you back' - XOD

OMG I love this song! Its by a Ugandan artist called XOD, and its a total break up/ i-want-you-back song, but not the typical cheesy guy stalking the light skinned video girl with attitude kinda video! That’s why i love it, its so above the typical low budget badly directed Ugandan videos we so used to, so i was totally impressed! I especially loved the stop motion effects and the symbolic imagery, it all added to the concept of the broken relationship...something most of can relate too! Also it doesn’t have the cheesy end where he gets the girl back, i mean who ever does in real life?! he just goes back into the old chest...amazing video!

'All the little things you do-oooh' - Wuhu ft. Bobi Wine

Another video i'm loving! It was shot by the east African group in MTV's making the video competition, which they won! Oh Yeah! And you can see why! The video is really good, once again the mood and atmosphere totally fit with the song! I especially love the golden tint of the video and the close up shots! Though i'm not a big Bobi wine fan (I find the high pitched ragga-inspired random squeals eg going 'gal' in the middle of rumbled lyric irritating) but he's bearable in this song! LOL! I find wuhu really cool though, she won best female i think in the recent MAMA (Mtv Africa Music Awards) recently!

Check them out! What u think?

'Words from a granary'

I got stuck in the library today during the whole lunch break thanks to the sudden tropical rains! Since i wasnt in the mood of getting wet i decided to head to the nearest sheltered area from the cafeteria and thats how i ended up there...

anyways ended up finding this hidden corner of book i've never noticed before full of novels, short stories, poems and plays all written by African writers, most being east African which was rare despite living in East Africa, because most African books are by west Africans (at least the ones i've come across), so it was really interesting!

I ended up borrowing an anthology of short stories by Ugandan female writers called "Words from a granary", and what i found most interesting is the diverse style and content of the stories. At first i thought yeah, they all going to be about animals and ancestors in a folk tale sort of fashion, which i'm not saying is bad or that theres anything wrong with it, after all thats what African literature is usually about but the fact that none of them were like that and didnt fit in that stereotypical genre was what i found most appealing and interesting!

Its a good read, i've read quite a few now and these ladies have talent!

;-)

Been feeling out of sync these days...

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i know that something is wrong.
I haven’t been myself these past few weeks, and its not just PMS! I've been feeling so tired, and fed up too. I don’t really care as much as i did and i'm totally un motivated and un inspired, not to mention having developed a negative attitude to most things, especially school...

I come home from school and i want to sleep, so i take a nap, and that nap turns into an all nighter and before i know it, its morning, and time to catch the school bus. Last night i fell asleep and had locked the upstairs door, so my mum couldn’t get in, they tired waking me up, knocking on the door loudly, shouting my name calling me, but i couldn’t wake up. She eventually had to break in! I sleep all night and can’t get up in the morning, and again in the evening i feel sleepy again!

This has really taken a toll on my academics, because i just can’t be bothered to do work anymore! Currently so much work has built up, and i know i should do it yet i don’t feel that alarm and urgency, and so i don’t end up doing the work. Or i may start it but not complete it!
I also can’t be bothered with getting involved in school activities. Last Friday i was meant to help with a food sale during the annual school production, but i just didn’t have the energy to do so. Though i did contribute food, i didn’t stay long to help...like i usually do!

I feel like i'm tired of school, and home life is just bad. My beloved younger brother is very ill, currently he's admitted into hospital and has spent the whole weekend there. I haven't been out in so long that some of my friends 'crazy-fun-night-out' stories are starting to get to me. I have a writers/creativity block and despite the urge to i haven’t been able to write or draw anything i've liked for various reasons. I miss my boyfriend so much at times and others i wish he wouldn’t love me so much. I feel like i have no real friends and no one to talk to, and i feel like i want to cry sometimes but i have no tears. On top of everything my mother thinks i'm intoxicated with something due to my recent fatigue-ness, but i'm so sober its depressing! Am i depressed?

I hate that term, and think its silly for people to say 'i'm depressed', after all, its all in the mind, right? Well now that i might be d e p r e s s e d , it doesn’t sound so silly to me. but i don’t think i really am depressed. i must be physically sick or something, yet i doubt going for a check-up will seriously help. Ugandan Clinics are not the most efficient!
Unless..i may be depressed unconsciously...now that’s something to think about!
Is that even possible? and why would i be depressed? things could be worse and i know it! I must be sick...or not...i don’t know!
But life seems to have darkened for me these days!

I've been enchanted by the beautiful night sky of recent, especially the two stars opposite the crecent shaped moon...somehow looked like the islam symbol of the moon and star above, actually got me wondering why they chose that as the symbol...
Anyway, after some research i found out that what i've been looking at was venus and jupiter, (venus being the brightest one and directly above the crecent moon-just like in the islam sign)! plus it will be another 24 years or so till we see these two planets again so close! amazing huh? take a look tonight, wherever you are, and if that happens to be in east africa i can see how you can miss it in the dark night sky...

theres just something magical about astronomy!

Back from camping / World AIDS Day

Got back from my annual class camping trip, and it was quite fun! Went to Lake Mburo and saw loads of animals ranging from hippos to buffalos and even zebras, which are now my favorite animal! The socializing part was not that great! Maybe its because I have it in my head that I’m leaving high school soon that now my class mates seem really boring! Sure I socialized, but cant say I had any meaningful or really funny conversations at all…
Overall though it was quite fun, especially the game walk and drive, oh and playing monster hunter 2 on psp on the way back! Lol



On a more important note, yesterday was WORLD AIDS DAY!! Watched a number of interesting mini documentaries, and though tired from the long road trip home, slept on a contemplative note, especially about the pressures and trends of sex on my generation today, I mean its everywhere, in the music, the commercials, books, movies…abstinence is close to impossible for the youth of today!…should go for an AIDS test one of these days, not cause I don’t know my status but to say I have and do support the fight against AIDS!
Be aware and stay alive people! Hope you had a safe world aids day!
One Love

School spirit full of shit!

Posted this on facebook today; i thought it was such a classic piece! Its adressed to all those who been "tisk-tisk"ing me for not attending the school swiming gala claiming i dont have school spirit, uh puhlease!!

Today was the swimming gala: a day your forced to swim other peoples races in a crowded pool someone’s bound to have pissed in during the day, shouted at if u not cheering loud enough, and forced to stay in your school teams designated area with people you don’t like wearing a colour you hate pretending you actually care about a made up team you didn’t even choose to be in!
Worst part is, its compulsory.
Well, i only have a few more months left in school, and really couldn't be bothered to participate because i already have my conditional offers (and participating in the gala isn't part of the condition-lol) from universities, so i decided not to go to school this morning.
No big deal!?!

So my team loses points if i don’t show up, so what? its not even a gala between schools, its an inter-house gala. and these "points" have no value at all, so the team with the most points wins the trophy, so what? no one takes it home anyway! it stays in the school trophy cupboard with ribbons of the team colour and is then forgotten as it is covered in a layer of dust until the next swimming gala. A pointless game if you ask me!
and i don’t go to school to play silly games, i go to learn and get the qualifications that one needs to get ahead in the world. I don’t care at all about school teams and all that. its all fake anyway!

Plus, its not just me (I'm an optimistic pessimist , the middle way, like the balance between left and right wing politics-lol), its every single student, apart from the little ones whose enthusiasm is genuine, ah bless! Even the freakin student role models (I wont mention her name or very important official student status) of the whole school called me up yesterday and told me to do her race because of some lame excuse! That’s when i knew for sure i wasn't gonna show up. i hadn't even got in there and i'm already being told to do other peoples races? Hell no!

Don’t tell me about school spirit when no one is willing to do their race, all the able swimmers filling in for the non swimmer races, others just conveniently disappear at the time of their races or simply spend the whole day hiding out in the toilets with their psp’s and ipods! 80% of the girls at school “had their periods” today! Its not school spirit if the only reason your in the front cheering for your team is because a frustrated teacher is patrolling the back screaming at you if they catch you “not participating”!

No one really cares about their team or their school, and can you really force teens to be? With all the raging hormones, identity crisises, insecurities and all, isn’t it too much to ask of these kids? Teenagers are always gonna be teenagers, you can force them to do anything, you gotta work with them. And even the most deluded of teens knows when school spirit is faked! If it was real, I’d feel the urge to be part of it, but its not. It’s fake and full of shit! Honestly, if it wasn’t for Mr.Green breathing down our necks, this event in secondary school wouldn’t even happen! we can participate in other ways that we find relevant, notice how everybody dying to participate at dance off's? Now imagine if it was in school teams, with the colour, points and trophy system in place? Now that would generate real school spirit, plus it would be fun and its good for your physical health too! Wouldn’t that make sense than secondary school swimming gala's?

So don’t tell me I have no school spirit for not attending the gala, y’all don’t either, even if you did attend, the only difference is, that I’m cutting out the bullshit!

Tagged

Okay, now that I actually got 7 blogs I follow, thought I’d give this a try,
Lemmie reiterate/repeat the whole concept of it,
This tagging is slightly different than simply posting pictures, we post 7 random facts about yourself, and 7 random people. Even if you don’t have 7 follower's, you can still tag as many of your acquaintances that you think will play this meet and greet type meme. (another meet and great game I’ll explain later)

Rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. List 7 random/wierd facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 folks and leave their links on your page.
4. Most importantly, let them know they been tagged and leave them a link to your tag post!

Oh and Tag me too!!

7 random facts about myself:
1. I’ve always wanted to learn how to tap dance and aspire to before I die!
2. I’m a pretty good swimmer (though kinda rusty these days), but absolutely failed to learn breast stroke!
3. I’m dyslexic, y’all just don’t notice thanks to spell check…despite that I write often and enjoy literature…go figure!
4. I have a birthmark on my tummy that is the same shape and size as my index finger’s finger print
5. Jill Scott’s song “A Long Walk” is my ideal romantic date!
6. I wish I lived the 90’s instead of being born then…
7. I’m only 17 but have really bad eyesight!

7 random people:
1. I tag Tia and Toya at Black Girls Like Us : - Insightful, down to earth, funny



2. I tag Sam at My pursuit of Happiness :- we go way back, young mother, damn tall chick!


3.I tag Philip at Ecclesiastical Proverbs :- he’s a “big baby”, witty, not your typical IT guy


4.I tag RBG Street Scholar Think Tank :- afro-centric, inspiring, controversial


5.I tag Hobo Teacher :- A day in the life of a teacher, hilarious, unique don’t think there’s anything out there quite like it



6.I tag Saylo at Chinese Restaurants are Fun to Prank Cal :- shenanigans, alternative view on most things, comical


7.I tag HektikLife at The Silent Podium :- opinionated, loyal blogger, the more random the more interesting!


pheew! that was alot of work!

Best damn teen movie…EVER

Recently watched Juno, “the city in Alaska? No, Zeus’s wife who’s supposed to be super beautiful but mean too” and it so touched me! The characters are so real, not the stereotypical portrayal of teens at all! They were so unique, down to their dress code and language, plus they were actual teens, not grown ass actors n actresses tryin to squeeze back into the high school role, which seriously annoys me! Anyway, these guys gave such genuine performances, it truly touched me!
Its about a real issue, teen pregnancy, which I’m all too aware of these days, but in a different light…not overly dramatic but not taken that lightly either. Its cleverly witty, and really reflects the highly developed sense of humor teens got; yes we like poop jokes too! But it also goes way beyond that and is often ignored by adults…
Anyway, I totally recommend everyone watches this, its genius and was written by a blogger, go figure! That’s how u know it’s a real story, it wasn’t done for the money!
Officially at the top of my fave all time teen movies!

Death Of A Legend

I could not believe it when i heard that a legend of our time, Miriam Makeba had died last week!!!
i regret not trying hard enough to go see her perform recently at the jazz fest here in Uganda, took her life for granted, thinking i'll see her "next time", now i am seriously sorry!
She's one African woman i greatly look up too, a jazz legend and political activist who wasn’t afraid to address issues like the white apartheid regime...

even more shocking is the nature in which she died, apparently she collapsed as she left the stage at a benefit concert in Castel Volturno (Italy) on Sunday and died in a Naples hospital. They say it was a heart attack...Heart attack? it sounds fishy, Miriam Makeba was healthy and well, if she was having some complications she would have noticed, it would have been known and she probably would have taken it easy and wouldn’t have planned the tour...heart attacks don’t happen out of nowhere, usually one feels some pain and has a few cardiac arrests which hint at the likeliness of a heart attack...then there are all theses rumors about someone poisoning her drink due to her provocative lyrics and messages...also when u think death in Italy, you think mafia...

I just don’t know what to think! all i know is that i shall morn this month for the death of "mama africa"!

Long live her music, messages and voice!
Viva Miriam Makeba!

The world at a glance - The world travel 2008

This was the reason i was in the UK in the first place!
I was at my mums stall, trying to sell her company, thought i did quite well...and if i wasn’t at the stall i was globe hoppin, from Puerto-Rico to Jamaica to Sri-Lanka to Slovenia, it rocked! Got loads of free bee's and contacts, it really feels like i could go anywhere in the world right now! And if wasn’t globe hoppin’ i was attending seminars on the way forward for African tourism, making the most of the web and the students zone. I'm seriously considering a career in travel and tourism...although i won’t make a fortune, it defiantly promises adventure, i mean i can seriously imagine myself in those smart borderline porn star sexy flight attendant suits!
Hahaha, jus playing, but seriously if i was to pursue this career, i would do product design, creating holiday packages and all that-then going on them myself!
lol

Anyway, props to Rwanda and Tanzania, the stalls were bangin’, i really didn’t expect that, made us look bad! LoL

i would seriously recommend you all to try to participate in one of these global tourism fairs, great experience!

The Not-So-Great-Britain

I'm so glad to be back home! its only after i've spent some time abroad that i really appreciate Africa! We may be one of the poorest continents (according to western standards) but we are so rich in so many ways! we are blessed but just don’t know it, you cant get the perfect climate and easy going nature of the people and lifestyle anywhere in Europe!
well, i didn't completely hate London, i liked how convenient everything was...the transport systems, the vending machines, the Starbucks at strategic positions, the layout of malls and shops. shows you the big difference organization and planed living can make! Also, there is alot of variety, whether its a restaurant meal order (forget the variety of the menu, but the single order can come in so many variations its confusing, i even began to wonder whether what i got was what was described on the menu), to the variety of people one can see in the train, from pierced Goths to dreadlocked blonds...in Africa, they would have really stood out, but there, it was quite a normal thing! I liked that about London...

However, despite it being just autumn, it was freezing! as a tropical girl it was torture! Also, it was irritating how fast everyone walked! I'm used to strolling-even when i'm heading to a class that began 5 minutes ago-lol! Keeping up on the streets of London felt like i was in a walking marathon, but i guess since it's freezing outside, the smart thing to do would be to get wherever your going fast! Strolling and icily grey whether somehow don’t go hand in hand...
Although the sun was out, you couldn’t feel it! Being a tropical girl, it was a form of slow torture...i'm so used to feeling the sun, it really was on odd sensation...not that i've never been to Europe, i have, but not often, and every time i go, i still cant get over that fact!
I also really missed home food! i guess my palette wasn't used to the London taste, and i would probably get used to it and even like it after sometime, but during the past week i sort of lost appetite...the worst part about their food is that it looks so good, but tastes like...like paper! This however doesn’t apply to all western countries, food in Greece was good, and almost everything tasted so good in Manhattan...The only exception perhaps was the British hot chocolate and pizza hut...

I also don’t get why they chose to keep the old cottages and buildings in London...yeah, some are kind of cool, but most, especially in the middle of the city, are just plain ugly!! The British are so obsessed with antiques and holding onto the past...yeah, it mayb expensive to breakdown all the buildings and replace them, but i think its more than that...i think it reminds them of their empirical power, when they truly were Great Britain and had one of the largest colonies and were the most industrialized...well, sorry for the reality check but that time is long passed, now not even the old British work ethic exists amongst the majority of brit's, in fact most jobs are taken by minority groups simply because they work harder and at the end of the day they are the ones who deliver and perform...i guess its Not-So-Great-Britain nowadays! LoL

well, let me quit whining! I had a great week in grey London, despite the evident bite marks of the credit crunch (in just the week we were there thousands of people lost their jobs due to the effects of the world economic crisis) and the freak stories in the news of babies being tortured and black teens stabbing each other to death, despite the cold and tasteless food...it was a great experience, especially in showing me how much i love home and living in Africa!

Gonna b gone for a few days...

Going to snowy London in a few hours, helping my mum with the family business, she's attending the world tourism market fair this year and she needs assistance, and who better can help her than me? Plus i might as well learn the secrets’ of her trade so i can run it efficiently when its handed down to me.
I always used to see the family business as a burden, forced upon me and blocking me from pursuing my own dreams, now that i'm older i have too many dreams and don’t know which is THE dream, so i'm quite thankful of the family business now because i'll at least have something to fall back on when i'm outta uni untill i get my career together...

Still confused over what exactly i wanna do at uni...

Amywine House Rehab remix...

They want to take my bro back to rehab, and i said "no, no, no!"
Yes he's been black but now he's come back, this i know, know, know
He aint got the time and i think he's doing just fine ,
They trying to take him back to rehab, i wont let him go go go!

Yay! My baby bro finally out of that place, thank God! he just spent the weekend there, (But i didn’t know that on Saturday when we dropped him off-feel silly now for crying! I think my mum had a change of heart, or maybe she never intended tp keep him there and just wanted to teach him a lesson...i dunno. Mothers work in mysterious ways!

well, ever since he's been back, he been making a few drug references, and i never know how to answer him...dont want to take on the whole "dont do drugs" severe tone, cause he gets that from everyone anyways, i know i should focus on gain, what u can gain from not doing drugs instead of fear, because people are motivated by gain, but how to do so is not as easy as i thought! You have to sound convincing otherwise you just come off sounding corny!...i need to find a new angle to address this issue that’s obviously so on his mind!

what an AMAZING day!!

Today; On the 5th November 2008, history was made.
"One small step for the Black Man, One giant leap for man kind!"
Obama, a black man, became the next president of the most powerful nation of the world! I admit it was hard to believe at first, i was simply a spectator, and had my doubts whether America was really ready for Change.
The events of today proved me wrong, and what a pleasant surprise it was!

So I've been asked alot toady, what the American elections outcome means to me, after all i am not American, how can i possibly gain much? It’s not so much about him becoming president, but what it symbolizes to me;

Obama showed me that yes, indeed we can! he gave me hope, as a young ambitious African who what’s so desperately to make a difference. He showed me that if he, a black man, an ethnic minority, an African, a Kenyan, a middle working class man, a father of two daughters, a democrat, can become president of the superpower of the west! Then I can too!

Obama showed me that dreams do come true! Around a centaury ago, a black man could not even vote, and it was a dream as Martin Luther King Jr prophesized to see a black man become president. Today, a black man is president! Obama is in this light, a messier! he has fulfilled that dream, proving dreams come true!

Obama himself represents the conciliation of the white race and black (as well as other ethnic minorities), being half black, (Kenyan to be exact-Proudly east African) and half white, he is truly a global president! and to me, a son of Africa, and so much more...

Most overwhelmingly, this gives me hope for my motherland, for Africa the dark continent. it gives me hope that one day, our dream for a peaceful, prosperous, promising Africa will come true one day...after all, Africans were taken from their land to foreign lands where they were used and abused as slaves. and they have struggled and faced hardship, faced oppression and racisms, and today they rule the most powerful country in the world!

The biggest victory for me, was the victory of change! it really showed the power of the people, and i will forever have respect for America for that, despite her problems, the people have power! and always have...eg the Americans revolution against the British, it inspired the French which sparked off the French revolution (one of my most favorite moments in history-ever), similarly, Obama's win will inspire so many of us, and spark revolution in our lives!

what an amazing over whelming moment that was for me when it dawned on that Obama had won!

Now, i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself, i am fully aware that he is simply the face of his party, and hence most of the power lies behind the face of Obama and in the democrat party. Yet i am still very expectant! Obama may just be the president, but at least he is one with character!
I believe he got where he is because of two things:
1. The situation in America - The unpopularity, disappointment and failure of the bush administration and republican party greatly attributed to this! In a way it was more of a vote against Bush for most...
2- he deserved it due to his personal skills, as a an inspirational orator, a natural leader etc
and all this accumulated into his support and victory!

I look forward to the next 4 years, where i hope he proves to the world who great a change we can make!

God bless Obama!
God bless America!
God bless the human race!
God blessed today!

I dont cry...

...But i did yesterday.
My brother was checked in at Serenity Centre (A rehab for alcoholics and drug users) for 6 bloody months! and he's only 15.
What hurt me most, was leaving him there, at some strange house with strange people locked up, all alone. my heart broke as we were led out the door and they locked up, looking back through the bars at my baby brother standing alone, half concealed by shadows, watching us leave him...
Honestly, I didnt think it was necessary for us to check him in! He's gonna miss sitting his exams and will have to re-do the whole year, everyone is now gonna put this lable on him, a junkie, a drug addict and he wont ever be treated the same by our family, friends, school...if life was hard for him before, it will be harder for him now. And it was just weed, everyone hgoes through that stage, was it really such a big deal...i honestly dont know...
My mum thinks so. she couldnt handle it, she works too hard to maintain a good enough life for us, too hard she hardly has time to parent us, but its okay, cause we're older now, and she needs us to grow up fast. i dont blame her, even if people say she's responsible for our upbringing. shes done the best she can, and when she broke down in the car in front of us (The only time i've seen her cry like that was when my father died), i knew it was too much for her to deal with right now. she couldnt bring him home...

maybe i should start from the beginning.
yesterday, my brother went missing, actually, before that, he had told me he was going to a friends house to ask about a skateboard ramp (we had made and was being fixed up) since it was near by, i let him go. I know for a fact its a 5 to 10 minute walk at max for a fact, so i called him up around 30 minutes later and he had apparently just reached...fishy. i thought to myself, and asked his friend if he looked like he had been smoking, he said no...later on in the day, i had gone to meet my boyfriend, but had left my bro at a cousins house...a few minutes later my mum calls and she's asking where he is, because hes not at my cousins house or home and his phone is off. so we go looking for him, we go to all the possible places he could be, his friends house, internet cafes, home etc, and no one has seen him, so my mum keeps driving around...some guy says he's seen him on the road a few minutes ago, we keep driving back and forth till i spot him with a dazed expression on his face, and my mum pulls up the car.

he had been smoking weed, and first told us some bullshit stories untill he finally gave up the act, because we both knew. at first my mum was angry as hell, went to the police, she wanted to have whoever had done this to her son arrested! thing is, they couldnt do much because its not like its one person responsible, its a whole network, furthermore the felt that it wasnt them to blame but my brother, and my um too. they were rough with her, but she realized its not them, but him who had the problem, so she took him for detox and after a chat with center manager she decided to leave him there and chek him in...
it all happend so fast, all in one day, it was so much to take in. so much to deal with so i cryed.
i dont know why, but it did make me feel better.

pillow texts

I was gonna title this post pillow talk but we weren’t talking, we were texting, lol, the concept stays the same regardless!
been long since i had a good txt chat, like back in my early high school days, when i just got my phone and started noticing the different ways girls talk to boys...
Anyways, it was a not-so-random pleasant surprise! The dude who sits behind me in the bus had asked for my number and i saw no harm in it. i didn’t ask for his because i knew he would text me...he waited a day before actually texted which is so typical! and the conversation followed line, like he did everything from the book! I admit however cheesy it might have got, i kind of enjoyed it! Got me blushing like a twelve year old girl with a crush! Maybe i'm lacking romance in my life! The love is there, but as a romantist, (I got that from my grandmother), love is so bare without the lavish embroidered gown of romance!
well, it was just some innocent flirting, nothing more, just pillow talk...i mean pillow texts
LoL

a good friday

How often is the last day of the month a friday?! Gosh, it feels good!
hence i dub today as Good Friday!
LMAO
(I'm just in one of those moods!)

I told my brother to go kill himslef

Its been a really emotional weekend for me, but the peak of all the isht on my mind was the discovery that my brother, my younger brother, is back to the senseless habit of smoking!
It was like slap in the face that sent my glasses hurtling to the ground, smashing the view that he was okay, and he was getting through everyday life without having to use any self destructive substance. I guess i was being naively optimistic. Addiction is not that simple to get over. I had assured my self that if i can get over weed, so could he, and since weed is classified as a soft drug, which does not cause physical addiction but rather psychological addiction, it shouldn't be that hard for him to get off it. well, he has, but replaced it with cigarettes, classified as a harder drug. He's just taken a step forward and two steps back. But what angers me most is all for what?!
He says he likes the high, the excitement, but i tell him he can get much more lasting joy from other sober things in life! I think he's looking for peace, trying to fll up empty spaces in his life, which he calls boredom, he's trying to escape himself, is life, instead of being a man and facing it. Resolving those issues. He's a smart guy, after all, he knew the right things to say to us to give us the impression he's getting better. He knows the dangers and scary facts about what smoking does to you, and i dont even want to focus on that! I've instead tried to show him how much he can have, how much he can gain living a sober life...but still he continues in this senseless hedonistic behavior.
I just want to know Why? Why he's chosen to smoke yet he knows why he shouldnt.
It saddens me that my own brother is part of the alarming phenomenon of "Mentacide" , Black Sucide, The self destructive senseless behavior noticeable in most Black males aged 16-30, or as one of my favorite black psychologist Bobby.E.Wright phrased it; "deliberate and systematic destruction of a group's minds with the ultimate objective being the extirpation of the group" . I don't want my brother to fall into that category, and if thats what he has chosen, then he'd rather kill himself quickly, rather than kill him self slowly which would just prolong he's deterioration as his body and mind will die slowly, and prolong our pain of helplessly watching him kill him0self slowly. I'd rather he just get it over and done with, we mourn, and get over it, rather than be forced to live with it. I Obviously don't want to loose him, i don't want him to die, but i cant make that choice for him, and if thats what he has chosen, so be it, but he shouldn't make us suffer more than we deserve.

Hopefully it shall shock him into his senses rather than act as a catalyst to his suicide. I Know his smarter than that, I know he doesn't want to die.

my best friend just had her baby!!

Although i was feelin horrible last Sunday, like all the life was slowly seeping through me, one of my close friends was in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to new life...on Sunday 26th October 2008, at around 3-4pm, Francesca was born, 38weeks early!
I was sooo excited, feeling like an aunty, all grown up, at that stage where your friends are having kids...but in actual fact, she's just 17 so she should be the one feeling grown up...too fast...
But this child has proven time and time again, it wants to be born! I honestly had my doubts, because of alot of complications on her mothers part, but although she’s pre mature, she's a fighter, she was in the incubator for only 2 days! She's a strong baby girl, just like her mother, she's a fighter...Gosh, i can already imagine me telling her these stories when she's older. The only thing that saddens me is that i wont be around on her first birthday! I'll be in some cold European country tryin to develop my intellect!
But i wish her, Francesca and that asshole who is her father (gotta give him a lil' respect i suppose) all the best, all my blessing, all my love.

The birth of a baby, whether premature or overdue or unexpected or planned for, is always such a beautiful thing. I dedicate this poem to her, (Its not mine, but a AfricanHipHop.com family member, and friend, who wrote it, and i think it fits this occasion so well)

STARS

And as you grew inside my womb
New galaxies were born
The sun came to kiss the moon
Roses blossomed on bloody thorns
Angels thanked the heavens
For blessing this earth with you

I stared and cried and smiled
For I understood that now we
Have been blessed too…

Copyright 2008 Poetic Seraph

the biggest question after "Is there a God?"

Is it possible to love two people?
poligamists would say yes, but i always thought that was a sort of status thing, the more women, the bigger the man, plus there is usuly the first wife or head wife, who is held a little higher than the others which shows that perhaps they are loved more than the others.
Is it possible to love two people equaly?
A child would say yes, its impossible at times to pick the one parent a child loves more, but thats a different kind of love. I'm talking about romantic love.It bugs me how the english language has so many synonyms for one word, but just one word is used to describe a multitude of emotions! you can love a 10 different children, but can you love 10 different lovers? There are different kinds of love, and it seems with those come different limits of how many people you can love. otherwise its called cheating!
who made up these rules anyway?! In the end isn't it all love?
These questions lead me to the timless question of what love really is?... especially romantic love...

High School Drama

Thought these mellow-dramatic high school days where over, with the gossip and rumours and ego clashes...being in my final year of high school, i thought such things would be slowly fizzling out of my everyday life into fuzzy still frame memories of high school. And what gets me most is that it aint even happening in school, but in my social life out of school. Damn! Guess you cant escape high school drama whatever stage in life your in...

Anyway some punk been spreading a rumour that I fcuk'd him "4 times" , and he been telling all my boyfriends friends!! well there is some truth to that, i did have a crazy night with him but that was before i started going out with my boyfi and it didnt involve any sex of any kind!!! plus my boyfriend already knows that. But what hurt most was that although he's an a$$hole, i tryed to be nice to him, never insulted or blew him off, i was real civil to him…but I guess a$$holes like him consider kindness as a weakness. When I talked to him he didn’t even admit it was him but started blaming others, anyways at this point I didn’t care, I just wanted him to stop, so I told him I don’t hate him or want beef, but I got nothing to say to him and don’t want this thing to blow up, he agreed and said we were cool.

Then he called my boyfriend and left a threatening message.

That’s when I knew it was more than just about me. I saw they had some ego-centric kind of score to settle, and I was just the excuse. A “Helen of Troy” of sorts. They defiantly have some bad history between them even before I got into the picture! So I’ve decided to handle it quietly, get my self out of it and move on, after all, its not true and it don’t phase me, so like the sexy Collie Buddz so passionately sings “I’m blind to you haters!”

Vist form a long lost friend

I'm amazed almost everyday how this "law of attraction" actually works! I've been thinkin about this friend of mine for sometime, me and another friend were even planning to "stage an intervention" and go rescue her or something, then yesterday, I got several people asking about her, and so naturally, I go home with her still on my mind...then once I get home, just chilling listening to music, I get an anonymous text and surprise surprise, its Sam!! Apparently he had just got herself a new sim card and she texted me immediately it was activated! Coincidence or the law of attraction?

Anyway, It was a pleasant surprise! We hooked up at a friends house. Glad to know firstly, that she's alive-for real, I hadn't heard from her in around two months! Also to know she's okay, not great but okay...which is good! LoL

I really didn’t want her to go back, for her sake, but she had some valid points. You just cant "walk out" of an abusive relationship like that and expect there to be no shock waves...still, I think she shouldn’t have gone back, and the rest would fall into place, but yet again, there’s a lot I don't know about their relationship, she would probably know better...

As short lived our meeting may have been, it brought great relief and hope.

I don’t usually pray, but when I do feel humbled enough to get down on bent knee, she'll be in my prayers, because that’s what you do when a situation is out of your control and you desperately want to make a difference...you pray.

So I will pray for dear Sam.

Technology is a bitch!!

Irresistible, with its slick metallic colours, strong framework with flirtatious curves, its modernity never fails to impress, its effectiveness is hard to ignore, once you start to use it you cant live without it...
Forget pets! Technology is mans best friend...and its when you've become so dependent on it, like your phone might as well be attached to your hand as a 6th (multifuntional) finger, is when it fails you!! Almost like it had planed to freeze up or black out when you needed it most! ...but i cant help but keep coming back for more, its got me entangled in its wires, i'm right in the middle of its keypad ...technology is a bitch, buh we all know that i'm technology's bitch!

Semi Bi-polar

Mr.B was telling the class yesterday about some research he carried out while in university about Bi Polar people, and the more he talked about it, the more i noticed that we all bi-polar in a way...He stressed that the biggest difference between normal people and those who are bi polar is that they ask for normal demands but react in exaggerated ways, but how many of us fit that category!!
Just yesterday my younger brother totally freaked out about a roach that crawled in through his window, he screamed at me to go get the insecticide and i did, in about 2 minutes, and he was shouting at what took me so long, he then excessively sprayed it, and smashed it with his shoe over and over, then sprayed his whole room....Was that exaggerated?? It could apparently be seen as a bi-polar reaction, but honestly, i would have done the same thing!!

The line between sanity and insanity is very slight, and we often take little trips across the boarder once in a while...

contemplative on the nearing prospect of university

Went for my school awards evening yesterday, and thank god i dint just win a merit award b'cuz i would have gone home depressed! LoL, I got an award for Psychology, promoting psychology in action, and best A/AS level results (A,A,B,B) ! Now that was amazing, i had no idea people failed that bad! LoL, guess i'm good at what i do!
Anyways, with the joyous contentment of achievement, also came the doughting uncertainty of the prospect of University...It was a bitter sweet night for me.
My award in psychology didnt suprise me, i knew even before they read out my name, because i love it, it is my favourite subject...almost like a calling. I would actually love to do it in university, a course in applied psychology with politics or something, but what would i do with that degree? Especially if i come back to live in East Africa. It seems like a dead end. Infact almost all my possible university choices seem like dead ends if i come back to live and work here. so maybe the question boils down to whether i really want to come back to live here, back to the mother land...
Deep down i know i have to, whether i want to or not. The truth is no other country, especialy European, really want us. All their policies on immigration etc all seem to be focused around deterring Africans from living there in the long run. plus i dont see why i have to run to the white man's land to look for my destiny, for a better way of life, cause that would mean that they've won...I feel obliged to live in Africa, and take part in its struggle from the bondage of the white man ( I believe Africa is big enough to sustain its self if we all work together, we dont need help from the white man, they've helped enough...helped themselves that is-but thats another story for another day)...despite this sense of burning duty, i feel i'm helpless, plus i gotta break free from my personal bondage first before i can help free Africa from hers. I want my University experience to be one of self discovery, of enlightenment...but i also want it to equip me with skills i can use practicaly in the real world, skills that will help me use the best of my resources, make money, gain status and security, i want to be affluent. I want to come out of Uni and create employment, not look for a job, and generate money fast. My problem is that these tend to clash. I dont know what course can fit all these requirements, so i have to pick one and compromise the other. Im in a dilemma, at the cross roads of my life and dont want to mess up by picking the wrong course and take the long route to reach my self actualisation/ fullest potential/ purpose in life/ what ever you would call it!
I need advise.
And not the "what-you-would-do-if-you were-in-my-position" advise, b'cuz your not me! I'm not you! plus that advise tends to be selfish...people always trying to live through you, and tell you to do law or whatever just cause you can and they never got the chance to, so they feel like they can live their dreams through you. I want the "best-possible-option-for-me-in-my-current position" advise, considering all of the above...Is that too much to ask for? i know we all human and selfish by nature, but i need some wise insightful advise desperately. I need a holy intervention!

Poetry Thread; "Catch the wind"

I usually post my poetry on africanhiphop.com , under the poetry/spoken word section, but seeing as i now have a net space i can call my own, might aswell post it on here too, please feel free to post comments.
Bless

well, here's my first:

Catch The Wind

The wind blows change.
Changes shape,
path,
and flow,
but cant change what we feel,
dont have to see it to know,
that these feelings are real.
Cant know where its going
even if the wind gauge pointed so,
so dont try to chase a feeling
beacause you cant catch the wind.

Bloody Relief!

Never been so happy at the sight of menstrual blood!
Although it means that another egg never got to hatch life, its the clensing of my womb, the relief of a woman’s burden as the carrier of life...at lest just for a little while…I wasn’t ready for that anyway!
Tab once told me she’s setting up a lil business project where girls could go check if they were pregnant without going to the hospital and causing alarm with the family doctor and possibly the family…I always thought it was stupid for girls to stress about whether they were pregnant, b’cuz it was easy to prevent that worry, USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME, or just don’t have sex! But the older I got, the more real these kind of worries became to me…I realised it really isn’t easy to do it, as it is to say it. Lust can be so intoxicating, especially if its mingled with love. You keep muttering under your breath that you cant do it, you cant without a condom, yet all the while you letting him undress you, you letting him kiss you, worse still you the first to mount him!! The mind and the body are truly two different entities!